Starting Chemo, November 2013 Group

Thanks for the vote of confidence, Bec.   Really though, I don't think I'm the strongest of us; far from it. I haven't had to deal with any of the stuff that so many of you  have throughout this ordeal; no kids to worry about or take care of, no need to worry about whether to work or not, no real financial concerns (thanks to Aflac, lol,) my husband's been healthy for the most part, and I think that where chemo SE's are concerned, I've gotten off WAY easier than some of you have. All I've had to do was what I felt like doing, and no one has asked anything of me except that I take care of myself, and everyone among my family and friends has been 100% supportive and kind.

I'm not the strongest, I've just been pretty much pampered and sheltered. It's really easy to appear strong when you have very few stress factors to cope with. 

Amazon, I'm scared that YOU are right about it being the oxycodone, and the reason that worries me is because I've still got the one treatment to get through. I can just imagine that luck will have it that Sunday I will wake up feeling just fine, no depression, I'll get my last taxotere treatment on Monday, and next Thursday be right back on the oxy again, KNOWING that it's only going to mean that I'll have to deal with the depression again once the physical pain is gone. Arggghhh!!  

But maybe, like you said, if I wean myself off it, instead of just stopping it all suddenly it won't be quite as bad next time. 

Truth be told, last weekend I probably didn't NEED it round the clock, pain-wise. I had reached the point where the pain was mostly bearable for most of the day and I really only needed the oxy at night when I had kind of had all I could take of the pain, so for two or three days I only had one each day. I wasn't *comfortable*  by any stretch of the imagination, but I wasn't in agony, either--I was okay. Also, no depression. But...dealing with the pain all day would make me SERIOUSLY grouchy by the end of the day---and I'm pretty much never grouchy at my sweet husband who has done everything he possibly could to make this BC ordeal bearable for me. Maybe I had stuck with that routine....deal with the pain during the day, take an oxy at night if needed, I'd have been okay.

But,  the previous Sunday, the 16th, was my hubby's birthday, the big 4-0, too (yep I robbed the cradle,) and we had put off celebrating his birthday completely because I was feeling so lousy from chemo. Sooooo..... this past weekend I resolved that I was gonna put on the happy face all weekend while we celebrated a week late; went out to dinner with his parents, did a lot of shopping, watched movies together, etc. I really wanted him to have a good and fun belated-birthday weekend that WASN'T all bout my stupid breast cancer, so for the weekend, I took the stupid oxycodone on schedule -- enough to keep myself comfy and cheerful so that I wouldn't be in pain and get snappish and grouchy at him. (At least THAT was a success. He had a great weekend, and truly, so did I.)

Then Monday I just didn't take any oxycodone and I didn't get the pain but I did get the depression-- right after breakfast. And here I am.

So yeah. I'm hoping that it's mostly the chemo and that the oxy was masking my depression up until Monday. 

And, that's possible, because my husband reminded me that I DID have a little bout with this exact same sort of depression after my second TC treatment. He remembered it, and once he mentioned it I did too, because for a couple of days there, it seemed that COFFEE was depressing me: I'd wake up in the morning feeling fine, have my breakfast, then a cup of coffee, and become horribly depressed shortly afterward.

That was also right after going off hydrocodone, BUT, at that point I had been taking a grand total of two 5 mg hydro's per day for a grand total of four days. I've been on that amount of hydrocodone after dental issues a number of times, also after my two biopsies, and of course after my BMX, and never had any sort of depression after stopping it, so I tend to think that was a matter of hydrocodone masking depression that was already there.

I was also --now that I really think about it -- really depressed after my first TC treatment, but that time the depression was overshadowed --and seemed a part of---the fact that I was sick, running fevers of as much as 103.7, and we were snowed in and I couldn't get to the doctor's office, plus my husband was sick at the same time, so he couldn't take care of me and I couldn't take care of him. 

I also had a couple of hours of the same depression one morning when I had taken an ativan to get to sleep the night before, and managed to convince myself that it was the ativan that had depressed me, but I've taken it since then for nausea several times and no depression, so apparently that wasn't it.

The depression part of it those times didn't last as long and wasn't as extreme, but the dose of Taxotere was less both of those treatments, too, because there was also cytoxan. I also didn't get numb fingers and toes and burning feet and crampy thighs and almost constant indigestion with THOSE two treatments.

Hah, maybe I'm actually suffering from cytoxan withdrawals. Wouldn't THAT be ironic?

Anyway, I guess there is nothing I can do about it and I'm honestly just thinking out loud now, really.

Depression or no depression, I KNOW that there is no way I can go through another round of taxotere without painkillers, and I'm not sure that tramadol would touch that pain, though I might give it a try if my NP thinks it's a good idea.

It's making me dread my last treatment though, in a way I hadn't before, because if I get through this horrible feeling this time, I SERIOUSLY don't want to just have to get through it yet again after the next one. Nausea I can handle. Pain I can handle --- with painkillers. I can deal with the constipation, the chemo-brain, the bald head, the eye twitching and constant watering, the runny nose, the sore feet, numb toes and fingers, etc. I can deal with any and all of the various side effects I've experienced through this (well, maybe not those 103 degree fevers and horrible chills,) but THIS one, whether it's a chemo side effect, an opiate side effect, or the cumulative result of all I've gone through, THIS one I can't handle. If I'm not better by Monday I'm gonna be seriously hoping the NP or Dr. Rockstar has a good answer....because it's not as if I can sit down and pull my hair out over it, because THAT's been gone for months. Hah.

Thank you guys for your support and insights and caring; it helps more than you know. 

On the lighter side, my husband started his klonipin prescription tonight and he's now lying on the den sofa "feeling pretty mellow." He LOOKS pretty mellow, for the first time in many months, and I'm really happy--thru my self-centered depression haha---to see him looking non-stressed and happy, I had been worried about him; he's only 40 but his dad has had 2 heart attacks, his mom has a pacemaker, and he himself has high cholesterol and between my breast cancer and his job he's been under a ridiculous amount of stress. Seeing him give me a goofy smile and hearing him say he feels mellow makes it all at least a LITTLE bit better. Love that man.

Lisa, I am sorry you had a rough week.  I have been on an anti depressant since the day I was diagnosed. It has helped me tremendously.  You need to give yourself a break.  You have the perfect storm of emotions going on.  I felt emotional at the end of chemo because I felt like I still wanted more treatment to kill the cancer.  Sick, huh?  Also you have been through a lot and it is like PTSD.  Anticipating life post treatment is scary. With regard to the hydros, I had knee surgery a few years back and they gave me those; I cried all the time.  But you have to take the if you need them and deal with the fallout later.  Lastly, you are right.  Many women in stage II and III are doing fine. So,give yourself a break.

Pam, I know you have a tough decision about your treatment.  Young may be weak for,a while, but it would,be worth it.

Quirky, Par, Bec  it is so normal to want to be there for our kids.  It is hard when we have to balance our own needs with theirs.  I, too, was glad to see my girls go back to school after spring break. They made it difficult to sleep and relax.  

I wish my eyebrows and lashes were growing back in!  For once I am glad I wear glasses.

Going back to,work,has been good for me.  It makes me think,of,other things, but I am really tired.  I also,think I am coming down with a cold.  All the kids have a cold.  I plan on sleeping late tomorrow and resting all weekend.

Lisa, You are going to be Ok but right now your brain and body is in a muddle of chemicals. (Amazon, you are there too...) I really notoced it ,my last infusion at how my emotional state changed significantly and not for the better. In hindsight it seems obvious, my body was a toxic stew, and I got to be with my thoughts of pain and discomfort 24/7. It really really sucked. I fianlly had to be at peace with it and stop fighting and questioning how I felt. I finally let myself be sick and be grouchy because both ARE part of the SE's. (I labeled the grouchy as emotional chemo...It helped the Mr deal with it...we can laugh about it now, but it was not pretty).

You will get through this Lisa. Let yourself be sick! You deserve that, right?

You sound better LIsa137!  I LOVE this site!  You all are so inspiring and sweet and encouraging and you all have been through the same things that each of us goes through!  VERY reassuring and helpful!  Makes me happy!

Hang in there Lisa - will pray for you Monday and it IS THE LAST ONE!!!  Thank God for that!  You too Amazon!  You both have been through the ringer!

OMG! I didn't post this but thought worth sharing - my psychologist hit on me!  With the wig on!  ewwwhhh!!!  He told me about wanting to 'bang his wife' when he goes on vacation as his kids are always around...then he said a little later how great I look and no one would ever know I had been ill and how attractive I was...

I didn't think much of it but when I told my husband he said that was totally out of line...I was just thinking he was being nice to the poor cancer patient thing with the wig...maybe he was...but anyhow I can't go back to him now.  My husband would have a fit.  He was wanting to go 'talk to him'...

All this to say, this site has been the most help...not the two different psychologists I saw...they really didn't help in any way...sadly.  And he talked about himself a lot instead of dealing with my issues which bothered me...

You all are the 'best girlfriends' out there!  We really are a sisterhood of misery and pain and we can all become a sisterhood of hope and happiness!  Soon!  Hang in there!

It's my oldest daughters 24 birthday today and she is pregnant and due in June...I have lots to hope for! Counting all of my blessings each and every day...at least we weren't ran over by a bus right?  We have a fighting chance!!!

Oh Audra, you must have come out of treatment hot, not just from hot flashes! What a scumbag, but at least it IS flattering, no? Report the sucker to the state. They compile complaints. Congratulations on your coming grandchild!

This entire thing is hard emotionally. I fell apart when rads got hard. I was psyched up for chemo, but expected radiation to be easy, then when it got hard I fell apart. I just couldn't take one more difficulty. I'm coping with incredible night sweats. Woke up over and over last night, drenched one side of my pillow with sweat, turned it over. When that was wet I went to another pillow, had to turn that over, not to mention taking off my pj shirt and getting up for a drink because of dehydration. Suspect I'm going to ask for Effexor!

Lisa, as for watching tv, once again, don't be so hard on yourself. Chemo fries nerves, right? That means it effects our brains. Face it, chemo makes us dumb. When I was 7 weeks out I read a book for the first time, yeah me! It was a rather stupid romance book, but it was my first book. It was the first time I had the concentration to get through anything longer than a magazine article. I was so proud of myself, and I'm normally a reader of hard economics treatises. Watching tv doesn't necessarily mean you're depressed, although sure, why wouldn't you be depressed? Ten weeks PFC and I'm finally doing more brain-challenging stuff, but I get tired and retreat to playing candy crush. Ugh, what a time waster, but it kept my (impaired) mind amused enough during treatment not to dwell too much on how very very hard it is. Every cell of your body is being poisoned and attacked. Your poor husband thinks you're depressed because you're not yourself, heck, you're not yourself because what makes you you is being killed and having to be rebuilt over and over. You've been run over by a truck 7 times and on Monday you have to put yourself on the highway in front of those headlights one more time. Yee haw, why aren't you thrilled?

The depressed feeling kicked back in about two hours ago, just out of the blue, for no apparent reason, and I realized that it does start about the same TIME each day. I just got up earlier today and so felt better longer lol.

I'm leaning hard toward believing at the moment that it's the taxotere. Did you know that if you go to "search" and search for yourself by member name, you can see every post you've ever made?

 I just got done checking out my old posts, and turns out, I've complained here about feeling depressed for no obvious reason after all three of my taxotere treatments, starting at about the same time in the taxotere cycle, and the first time was quite a few days after I'd taken any sort of painkillers (only took minimal hydrocodone for 2 days that round,) so maybe I can stop blaming them, now.

 This time has been much worse (to the point I've basically been unable--or unwilling--to function this week) and lasted much longer, BUT the taxotere dose was stronger this time, and the pain was much worse and lasted much longer too, so I reckon it figures that the depression would be worse and last longer, as well.

Of course this means I will be right here 2 to 3 weeks from now whining about being depressed, so y'all feel free to kick me in the butt and tell me it's the taxotere and that I'll get over it in due time. Most times, a good kick in the butt is mostly what I need, anyway. And yikes, if it goes the way the others have, it will be worse and last even longer next time, so be prepared for me to whine constantly and make a complete nuisance of myself. I love y'all. 

Pat, I do think I probably have had some low-level depression for a while, even before my cancer diagnosis, which is part of why my husband thinks I may need to be on antidepressants for a while and maybe get some therapy. Over the past couple of years we've been almost completely out of our social loop -- and we're musicians and have barely even jammed with any of our friends, much less participated in a band or played many shows--and it's mainly because I was always the one who "pushed" for us to do those things. He'd moan and complain about having to go to practices and such, but he's the one who is the REAL musician and of course he'd have a great time once we got there, and he loved every second of it. But lately---two years, maybe 3?---I just haven't been pushing us anymore; and we talked about it not long before my diagnosis because he was like "what's up with this? I miss playing!" and we came to the conclusion that I'd just lost my enthusiasm or something. Which is ridiculous, because when we're out jamming or doing a show, I'm loving every second of it, too. The conversation led to other things, activities and such, that I'd quietly dropped for  no apparent reason and he thinks I'm depressed, and I don't really disagree.

Right now he's sitting in the den with a guitar (you can't swing a dead cat in this house without hitting a guitar, bass fiddle, fiddle, resonator guitar, banjo, or mandolin; the house is full of instruments that are hardly getting played,) and he's playing and singing Tom Petty's "Free Fallin'." Beautifully, I might add. I love the weekends when he's home and doing that sort of thing. My cat is lying on the bed beside me purring, and his purr is weird; he sounds like a car with a loose belt, and always has. My little dog is under the blanket asleep; I have no idea why she doesn't smother, but that's where she likes to sleep. The big silly dog is outside and it's been raining, so she's going to come into the house any second now with mud all the way up to her chest and covering her snout--she's a digger. And in a weird sort of way, despite my depression, I'm incredibly content.

Audra: Happy birthday to your daughter! Do you know whether the baby is a boy or girl, and what his or her name will be? (I am fascinated by names, and naming trends, and name meanings and origins and all that, so I'm always interested in the names new parents choose! I've actually considered--seriously--writing a book about names--something more than the typical baby names and their meanings book. I just might do that ....)

Here is another the pic. Enjoy!

Amazon, that is cool that you have the tree... Love the pics. Maybe we can now live hundreds of years too, lol. 

Coincidentally, we have a flower that blooms in our yard--they came with the house, we didn't plant them. It's a pretty pink flower and blooms for months and months, and when we went searching for it on Google to figure out what it was, it turned out to be Madagascar Periwinkle, which is what the chemo drug Navelbine (and maybe some others) is made from. My Stage IV friend is on Navelbine and has been for several years; it's probably what made her bone, liver, and lung mets go away completely and has kept them away for a couple of years now. 

jab, my legs haven't worked right THIS time, so I can  only imagine what the next round is going to be like. My knees feel really weird if I have to go up or down any steps at all--almost like they are limp and might bend backward at any point, and my thighs feel like I've done too many deep knee bends (hahahah) and I get painful but very short-lasting cramps every time I go from standing to sitting. I can walk around fine, but standing in one place is my least favorite thing to do and has been for well over a week. Also my thighs just feel *swollen* which is a really weird feeling....and kind of squishy which is even weirder. I also (this is just weird) often have the sensation that I'm wearing damp clothes across my butt---and I often check, but nope, it's just a sensation.

Oh well. The next round is the LAST round, so everything I deal with I'll at least be able to remind myself that once it's gone this time, it'll be gone for good. Tell ya what though, I went into chemo thinking it would be the A/C rounds that would be tough, but taxotere has been no walk in the park, that's for sure. If I had to choose one set of chemo to re-do, it would definitely be the A/C. Taxotere has not been kind to me.

Pat, I don't feel like  y'all have passed me by. I feel like you've blazed a trail for me to follow, and see you as living proof that I, too, can make it through this in (mostly) one piece. Ya'll are the lights at the end of the tunnel. 

And I so feel for those of you who've had to deal with infections and setbacks. I've had such a smooth and easy road in comparison to some that I hate to even complain (though I obviously do complain anyway, lol.) 

And to wallymama, who is kind of doing this in reverse order and still has surgery to deal with while the rest of us are finishing up; hopefully you won't feel passed by either, but will instead feel fortunate to have a lot of us who have already dealt with surgery and recovery to hold your hand and help you deal with that.

It's good to have people who are going thru things at the same time as you, to share the experience, but it's equally good to have people who are ahead of you and can tell say "Yep, been there, done that, and you can do it too." 

I think it works out pretty well, really.

It's an amused and ironic sort of pessimism, Pat; we don't really mean it. It's hard to explain, other than to say that I think everyone here is afraid of jinxing things by being TOO optimistic, so we "fool the devil" by pretending to expect the worst, and we wink. But then, I can really only speak for North Carolina; the rest of the south is a different beast. I'm not sure why we're different, but NC has (mostly) never been quite so stuck in the past as the rest of the south has been. At least, not in EVERY way.

Nice to hear that you like bluegrass; I play bass, and bluegrass and traditional country are about the only things I can really play--though I listen to almost anything and everything. My husband is the real musician; he started out playing blues guitar and somehow wound up in college majoring in classical guitar, and wound up in bluegrass himself, which is how we met.

Right now I live in the more southeastern area of the state, in Wilson County, but I grew up about 30 minutes north of Raleigh, in Franklin and Granville counties (we moved around a LOT.) I'm about an hour away from there now, but it's amazing how FLAT it is here compared to Raleigh and points west. I miss the hills so much sometimes. That's been one of the nice things about going to Raleigh for my chemo treatments; I get to see some hills. Of course, having said that NC isn't so stuck in the past as the rest of the south, I have to say that the town where we now live, Stantonsburg,  along with most of rural Wilson County, is really about 50 years behind the times. Everyone knows everyone, it's legal and accepted behavior to ride around the town in a golf cart, the pharmacist calls me up on the phone to tell me when my doctor has called me in a prescription (in case I've forgotten,) and an amazing number of adults (and kids) ride around on bicycles--the old-fashioned kind with "apple" and "banana" seats, not the modern ones, and no one's wearing stretchy shorts and helmets to do it. It's like living in Mayberry. Then again, the "city" of Wilson decided a few years ago that they didn't think cable and phone companies were being very fair to their citizens and amazed everyone by running fiber optic cable throughout the entire city and to every school in the county, so they might be behind the times but they've got the fastest internet and cheapest cable tv around.

So far as adventurers vs. stay-putters go, I've got the blood of both sorts in me: I've studied my family tree extensively and exhaustively, and on my mom's side, both her parents had ALL their ancestors within 50 miles of Raleigh since sometime in the 1700's. My dad's ancestors, on the other hand, though he himself was born in New York, all went west, so I've got ancestors buried everywhere from Iowa to Colorado to California. I should do a cemetery tour someday....

You could have moved here and done fine though; North Carolina is full of people who aren't from North Carolina. People like to move here, for whatever reason; lots of opportunities, I guess, and we are, for the most part, ridiculously friendly. I lived in Raleigh for a while some years ago when I was single, in an apartment building, and met all my neighbors (and had way too much fun with them,) and I never met a single person who was actually FROM Raleigh. Even here in tiny little Stantonsburg, our next door neighbors are from Long Island. How they wound up HERE I have no idea.    

It was raining here this morning too, but now the sun is out; I took a nap and when I fell asleep it was cloudy but when I woke up it was sunny, so I asked my husband how long I'd been asleep and "It IS still Saturday, right?"  

I'm pretty impressed by people who have kept up the long walks through chemo, too. I kept meaning too, but it was so COLD here... I do not like cold. The best we managed was the occasional walk 'round the block, but we've probably done more walking in Target, Best Buy, and PetSmart than anywhere else over the winter. I'm so glad to see spring coming, finally.... It's been a long rough winter.

LOL jab, that is hilarious about the throw'd roll. I haven't spent much time in Greenville, so I'll have to ask around to see if that treasure is still there.  It doesn't surprise me; this area is full of what I personally consider rather odd eateries. My favorite -- story wise, not food wise-- is a local place that's extremely popular, but if you go in there and order a chili dog, what you are going to get is a hot dog bun with chili on it. No hot dog. My husband told me about it not long ago, but he was actually telling me about someone who wasn't familiar with the place and had ordered two chili dogs and "got ten miles down the road" before he found out he just had bread and chili. My husband was amused and I was like... wait, there's no HOT DOG in the chili dog? I found it hilarious, and he accused me of mocking the chili dog lol. "It's like a sloppy joe...only sloppier." I was truly in tears laughing at the entire thing. Finally I asked him "So you mean all these years, at any time when you asked me what's for supper, I could have just thrown some chili onto a hot dog bun and told you we were having chili dogs and you'd have been perfectly happy with that?" He said "yes." That's 10 years of missed opportunities right there, folks. I asked him what you'd get if you walked in and ordered a chili cheese dog and he said "Okay  now you're just over-thinking it."  The entire thing still makes me laugh, but at least I know that if I want a hot dog with chili, I'd better order it exactly that way or I'm gonna wind up with a sloppy joe with extra sloppy.

wally, lisa: I will be thinking of you tomorrow!!! 

Wally: I like the poster. Yes, we CAN do it!

I am still dealing with some chemo SE's as it is only day 6 PFC. The bone/joint pain subsided a bit, so I am trying to see if  or for how long I can go without pain meds. 

To add to the indignities of things, my bum rash is back! Darn it! I didn't get it much last time round, but why did it come back? 

After my last Taxotere treatment I developed some rash on my right hand, now my hands are fine, but my behind suffers.

On the other hand, the weather is much better today. It finally feels like spring. 

I hope I can go for a walk with my son today and enjoy the sun a bit. 

Good luck tomorrow Wallymama, and good luck with the SE's in the days following.

I go for my last treatment tomorrow, and this is the first time I'm going while still really dealing with side effects from the LAST treatment, so I don't expect it to be gentle on me this time 'round. I think I'm mentally prepared, as much as possible, for a rough ride, and knowing it's the last time round will help I think---though it will also contribute to my anxiety. Chemo has been my life since November and now I've got to get into a new frame of mind (rads) soon, and focus on that. Change, in case y'all haven't figured this out yet, is not easy for me.

Amazon, I had the butt rash last time too; it didn't last long and wasn't too bad, but I felt...insulted by it. On the other hand, the round before that, the rash was in a nearby but much more sensitive area if you get what I mean, and I reckon if I had to choose, I'd rather have it on my butt. 

Dr. Rockstar said that he might not give me the Neulasta shot this go-round; my white cells have held up remarkably well throughout this anyway. He said he might just prescribe me a pre-emptive round of antibiotics (Levaquin I think,) instead. But, based on the confirmation call on Thursday for the appointment tomorrow, I'll be seeing the NP instead of him, so I don't know if she'll have gotten that memo or not. Honestly I'd personally rather have the Neulasta shot---the antibiotics are a pain in the butt and I've had enough of those lately-- but it does mean a second trip to Raleigh on Tuesday and another missed day of work for my husband...although Aflac pays enough for each of my chemo treatments to make up for his missed days, anyway. We'll see, I guess. 

I think tomorrow I won't even take my book or my tablet. I think I may just take my iPod and headphones and close my eyes and think back over this entire experience and try to make some sense of it. I really hope we get my favorite chemo nurse---she was my first chemo nurse -- but we'll probably get the perfectly competent one who has no personality whatsoever lol.

Weird that it's the last time. Really weird.

lisa: My butt rash also extends to other near by sensitive regions, I just didn't quite specify it before. I hope it's not going to stay with me for long. And yes, it's an insult! 

Taking something with you tomorrow to your treatment like an ipad and headphones is a great idea. It'll give you something to do, something to occupy your mind with. I had my iphone and headphones with me last time. I ended up playing a song for my nurse called: 

'Look on the Bright Side of Life' by Monty Python. It's funny and ironic. I had such a blast playing it for the chemo unit as a farewell song. 

Make it your day if you can!