Advice for dealing with mother in law with cancer?

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Crispus
Crispus Member Posts: 1
edited June 2014 in Managing Side Effects of Breast Cancer and Its Treatment

Not really sure where to post this...

My mother-in-law lives in Poland, and she's dealt with cancer a few times over the past two decades.  It keeps coming back.  She's had a double masectomy, but she now has tumors on her chest again, and apparently something on her liver as well.  The tumors on her chest have been bleeding fairly regularly, but she's been managing it by just covering them with bandages.  My wife (who is over there visiting with our 1-year-old son at the moment) said she saw one last night, and it was about the size of a tennis ball.

My MIL is refusing the doctor's recommendations of radiotherapy, since she feels that chemo nearly killed her last time she took it.  So, she's tried treating the tumor with 'sound therapy' and by placing herbal leaves on it.  She also hasn't been eating or sleeping much, saying she's not very hungry.  My wife said she's actually rather pleased with how thin she's become.

My MIL is slated to fly to the US to stay with my family for 6 weeks, leaving Poland this Thursday.  However, her tumor is apparently starting to bleed more profusely and more frequently, so my wife is becoming uncertain whether she should risk flying.  She wants her mother to see another doctor, and my wife wants to accompany her so she can talk to the doctor herself, but her mother refuses to go and accuses my wife of trying to manipulate her.  We think she's scared or trying to protect her daughter, but that her stubbornness on this matter may kill her.

I guess I'm just looking to see if anyone has an opinion as to whether it would be safe for her to fly here, given her current state.  No idea what stage this cancer is, since she refuses to talk about it to anyone, her daughter included. We're really not sure whether to let her come here, at this point, and we're increasingly frustrated by her refusal to do anything to improve her health (including eating!).

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  • Moiralf
    Moiralf Member Posts: 1,056
    edited March 2014

    You can't make her do something she doesn't want to do. I don't have any advice on the flying thing but can I suggest you put this in the stage 4 forum on the thread "Not stage 4 but have questions" This is a thread that is very helpful in answering those type of questions. I as sure your MIL is stage 4 and without treatment will progress to more cancer. Whether she takes treatment for that is her choice, hard as that is for  you and your wife. There are many questions that need answering to know exactly what your MIL is facing and if she is not prepared to go to a doctor/oncologist you are facing the prospect of simply letting the disease take it's natural course.

    Post in the thread I suggested and you might get more advice and certainly more support. There is also a thread for caregivers of stage 4 cancer women. That might be helpful too.

    Moira

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  • sandilee
    sandilee Member Posts: 1,843
    edited March 2014

      I think you and your wife should let your MIL make her own decisions regarding her cancer care, in general.  But I also think it's entirely you and your wife's decision whether or not you feel comfortable putting her up in your home.  

      If your wife is unsure whether she can make the trip, I do think a trip to the doctor to verify that she is well enough is not unreasonable.  I don't think your wife wants the responsibility of her health failing while she is traveling in her care, and I don't blame her.   I think I'd ask your wife to have an honest conversation and tell her that you are both concerned she won't make the trip back and forth, and you need some reasurance from a medical professional.  It's not manipulation-  it's just your wife looking after her mom's, and her own, welfare.

      If your MIL doesn't agree, then perhaps your wife should come home without bringing her mom. If your MIL really doesn't want any more doctor care, that is her choice, but it's not really fair of her to put the burden on your wife or you, imo.

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  • encyclias
    encyclias Member Posts: 302
    edited March 2014

    I am sure you and your wife dearly love your MIL.  But on a more practical issue, does your MIL have medical insurance which is recognized in the US or is she part of your personal policy?  If not, who is going to be responsible for any doctor, hospital bills she may end up with?  Who is going to pay up-front at the hospital to get her admitted if necessary, or to pay for her scans and lab work, doctor visits, radiation treatments? 

    I do hope all works out for you and your MIL and one way or another, she will get the care she needs.

    Carol

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