February 2014 Starting Chemo Club

Gatorgal - I am at a weird place too. Middle of chemo, not working right now. Too much time on my hands. I find it hard sometimes to find something to do, other than obsess about this BC thing. Friends have been great, very supportive. You are right, though - it gets lonely. I don't want to keep texting or talking to them about my treatments because I don't want to "dwell" in it; however, I do still get anxiety. Some days are better than others. I don't know if we're feeling the exact same thing, but I understand. I get the "call me if you need anything" A LOT. I think they are sincere in trying to help, but unless you've been through this, you really cannot comprehend the plethora of mixed emotions one goes through on this journey. It is overwhelming.

Finally starting to physically feel a little better. Still have the sore throat - I think it is a mouth sore starting to form or has formed in my throat as I do not feel any bacteria/viral symptoms. Of course, as I start to feel better, I have #4 dd on Friday. Thankful it's the last dd, but then moving on to 12 taxol treatments seems like forever. Also, nervous about how my body will react to #4. Good day, everyone! 

@Gatorgal89 I feel the same way.  I am a very private person so I considered myself as only having 2 REAL FRIENDS.  Both have abandoned me.  One only calls for an update and the other doesnt call at all.  This journey has helped me realize that all I really have in this world unconditionally are God and my children.  Very humbling experience indeed.  Still I must say that I have gotten more support from the brave women on this site than I have gotten from my so called friends.  I thank everyone here for any kind words, suggestions, and for just allowing me to vent when I needed to.  Thank you all!

Thanks @Lago, I have been looking for a support partner and will check into this ASAP!

Imerman's Angels will also match care givers too. It might take a little time to find the right match so be sure to sign up sooner rather than later.

Jules it happens more often then you realize.
2 women in my building (I live in a high rise) used to move to the other side of the elevator when I was going through treatment and wore a scarf... because you know breast cancer is contagious.

nj- #3 for me is thurs. Sorry for the set back but glad the transfusion made you feel better. 

Now that we are on this topic I have to vent. One of my other "good" friends called to ask how I was just before my second AC and I was telling her how nervous I was because of how hard the last time was. Her response, don't worry your body will eventually get used to it, followed by... I know it must be hard but it's better than the alternative right?

I get it that people may not know what to say. But how on earth would anyone think that your body gets used to poison?!?!?!?! And of course it's better than death, but that doesn't make me happy to be going through it!!!! Makes me wonder why she called

(Deep breath.....) I feel better!!! Thanks ladies

Hi Ladies

Gearing up for this Thursday, will be my 3rd TAC....that will mark the half way point. I really don't want to go, does this get any easier?? Dh and I were talking and we realized that my 4th tx is going to fall on our 10th anniversary. Really??

The friend thing is hard, I have one friend that swore up and down she was going to be there for me and I have not heard from her since that time. I have another friend that hasn't been that flakey, but I know that when we talk and I give her any updates it is hard for her hear about it. I also have a family member that has pulled back partly due to her own life of drama and partly because she can't handle me being sick.

I also at times feel a certain amount of pressure to "be strong" and "fight like a warrior", or the other one "stay positive". It's like people want you to be like this more for themselves than for yourself. IT makes them feel better because it is too hard to see the other side. This board is a beautiful thing because ALL sides are here and they are accepted and understood.

tangandchris you need to feel how you need to feel. This "fight like a warrior" is just a campaign slogan for the pink walks. There are days when you just want to be tired, annoyed and have a hissy fit... It's normal and don't feel like you are failing at being a cancer survivor. I was just talking to a woman today  (volunteer work) that said chemo really wiped her out some days. I asked what chemo she was on. She didn't remember. I asked her if it was red. She said yes. I told her that's the red devil. It's the really strong stuff and it wipes most people out. But she was done with treatment and looked good. You'll get there too.

I have been lucky so far. Family and friends have been great. One friend wants to help so bad it is almost overwhelming for me.  A little suffocating. I know it is because she cares.  I however most of the time just need my  space.  But that is no different than before BC.  I initially only told family and a few select friends.  I did not want to handle other peoples emotions as well as my own.  Now that I am bald, and rocking the bald head, it is obvious that something is going on.  Some days I just want to curl up in a ball and lay there.  Today is a good day!  Hugs to you all

jbokland - great picture!  love it!

This is me and my surgeon just before I went in for my third lumpectomy (I am in the white). She wears one of these hats in different colors to every surgery, but she told me that patients get hats with cats or flowers, only she gets the Bitch hat. When she told me I had to go under the knife for the third time in 8 weeks, I told her I was only going to do it if we wore matching hats. Sure enough....

As for friends, I've found that most have been pretty great, although one sent me a text message back in November from work that she hoped all was going well and would call me when she got home that night. I didn't hear from her again until last week! We've been friends for over 30 years. Others have touched me beyond belief with their kindness. My MIL didn't even come to visit me once. A friend of my daughter's does the Avon Walk, and she sells items to help raise funds. She sent me a bag of scarves and bracelets and car magnets, etc, and refused to take a dime from me. And this from a girl who is saving up for her October wedding. People have sent me meals and restaurant gift certificates so I don't have to worry about cooking.

Sometimes people don't know what to say, so they don't say anything.

Tang, you weren't a downer at all. You're right, though. Kindness has come at me from the oddest directions, and those I thought I could count on haven't been around. My mother always said that everyone is your friend when you're having a party. It's when you really NEED a friend that you find out who the real ones are.

One thing that broke my heart was my brother. We had a falling out a few years ago and I wasn't even sure if he knew that I had been diagnosed. One day last month he came to the house to take my mother to lunch (she lives with us, but I begged her not to tell him), so I answered the door without my headscarf, just to see his reaction, gave him what me daughter calls "The Full Anakin" for you Star Wars fans. In the back of my mind, I had this crazy idea that we would fall sobbing into one another's arms and make up immediately, but nothing of the sort happened. We were as cold and civil to one another as we have been since the argument  when we've been forced to see one another. I haven't heard from him since.

Edited to Add: jbokland, I absolutely FLOVE that picture.

gahhh... For julesny.... I call it draino!!

princessrn my goal was to finish chemo before I turned 50... and I did stay on schedule and finished 2 weeks before my birthday. Too bad I felt like crap. I was very bloated (chemo made me retain so much water I looked pregnant. Many of my shoes woudln't fit). I was very stiff and my nail lifting problems were getting worse. The following year I went back to the same restaurant so I could really enjoy the meal. 

lago. ... Good idea. Food tastes crappy now anyway!!  I love the Parrish in Boston. And have great memories. So I won't go there until I'm done and can taste things again. 

JulesNY.. I go today too but only Herceptin, chemo lite as I call it. It doesn't seem to bother me. 

gatorgal-idont have any input on taxol, I don't start till april, will you beon weekly taxol? Thereis a weekly taxol group too. 

Whati do want to say is nothing is dumb! Every feeling, or question comes from a very vulnerable place, we are here foryou! Glad tohear you found a mentor match too.