Grieving!

Hi Sherpard girl,

Yes, most definitely you are grieving. It is a sad and difficult time. The sudden and unexpected drastic turn our lives take is one kind of death and we must find the way forward. That takes time and often outside help. Getting counselling saved my sanity when I was first dx.

I had one lump and chose a mastectomy due to size of lump and my breast size. My lymph nodes did show cancer but there was no indication that I had mets in my spine. It caused me no pain but I did do radiation on it. Like you that put me stage 4 from dx. that is a huge dx. Most women at least have the early stage level to go through before ever finding themselves stage 4. The small percentage that go straight to stage 4 from dx is about 6%. Lucky us, But we have to go straight to shock and awe with no warning.

You will find a way to get past this stage and move onto the more positive parts of life again. Playing the waiting game is part of what we all do now. Sorry to say that but it is true but we get busy with living too. It takes time to deal with and that is where you are right now but once you get over the shock and stop reeling from one docs appt to the next you can find your feet again and get some balance back. Get that help that you would be offering to others. Use it, fight back and get some life back. But be kind to yourself as well. It wouldn't be achieved all at once but one day at a time you can take back some degree of control. Remember that you are right at the beginning and with all the drugs and treatments we have there can be lots of very good life ahead. I'm over 6 years out now and in many ways my life is "normal", I've done heaps of things that have made me very happy.  I've had a chance to reevaluate my life and make some damn good choices to enjoy my life and the people around me. BUT it took quite some time, a really good counsellor that I  saw for about 6 months in the beginning and again whenever I needed to, and the knowledge that I was getting treatment and it was working. I've had progression but I still working  and mostly I'm the same as I was before, physically at least. There are bumps in the road but there are in any life so these are just mine to deal with. But it can be done, life does go on and it can be very good if you are determined enough to fight for it. That is the only fight I ever see with cancer, the fight to live in the moment and not let cancer take away my life through fear and worry.

IT TAKES TIME so give yourself time, and be kind to yourself and get help. You say you have been there to give help well now be strong and reach out and get that help for yourself. That will be your first step in not waiting but taking control and stepping forward.

Come here when you need to and I hope you know that on the stage 4 forum there is a lot of very positive and strong women who can help, just by being there to listen. But they have lots of very good knowledge and advice too.

Stay strong.

Moira

I haven't been in this battle long... just about 34 hours to be exact. 

I just want to say that it's OK to grieve.... it's OK to cry. It's OK to even be ticked off at God. He has big shoulders. He can take it.

You're not alone in your battle. Accept the support and comfort of those on here that are waging the same war.

You can still be a blessing to others as you fight your fight.

I'm also going bright and early Monday morning for a MRI to see if the cancer is localized to my left breast or not. I imagine that I will have a bone scan done soon.

It's scary.... but I am also living with HIV. I got it from my 1st (now deceased) husband. He got it from his IV clotting factor.

If I have learned anything over the past 20+years is that God is in control. He can see the big picture that I can't. 

(((HUGS))) and prayers. Hang in there. 

Dear Moira,

     You have articulated the challenges better than I but I too am part of the 6% that went straight to stage 4.  It seemed so cruel since I am in the medical profession and had had a clear mammogram 8 weeks before I felt a lump.  Yep, it was a huge shock at Christmas.  It seems as if this web site is one of the few place where one of us can hear feedback that reflects the reality of  the live we lead.   And yet there is joy and there is strength and a little angst that we have no choice but to be brave.  Stay strong and keep up the good reports to those of us who need to hear your advice.  thanks Carolyn from Tn/Fl