Telling your kids

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Rads14
Rads14 Member Posts: 8
edited July 2014 in Mental Health: Because Cancer Doesn't Just Affect Your Breasts

hi there:) I am new to message boards but the hardest thing for me right now is that my two girls, ages 9 and 11 do not know. My husband had a life threatening injury a few years ago, and that was really hard on our family. My girls went through it all beautifully through the support of wonderful family and friends in our church and community.  It was a very stressful and highly emotional time but we weathered it together.  When I got my bc diagnosis, the first concern was causing them any more anxiety. My bc was early stage and I had a lumpectomy, and now doing accellerated radiation. I have been doing very well emotionally, for the most part and I only have 8 more days. Our plan is to tell the girls and then other when school ends in June...I also have not told anyone except family and a few very trustworthy friends.  The worst would be them hearing from a friend who overheard it from someone else, but the few that know have completely honored my privacy.   should I have told them by now?? It is hard to tell if I am doing the right thing.   Thanks in advance for sharing if you have had similar issue. 

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  • Maureen1
    Maureen1 Member Posts: 614
    edited March 2014

    So very sorry you've had to join us...telling my kids was the hardest thing I think I had to do so I know what a difficult emotional struggle it was for me to decide "when and how" to tell them. My kids are older but regardless of age, it's the mother in me that wanted to protect them from the fear and uncertainty, and, to make it tougher, their grandma died of breast cancer the month I was diagnosed so I waited until I had all my pathology and a treatment plan to start the conversations. All I can tell you is that I knew when the time was right, I told each of them 1:1, not together, and I did my best to be honest but hopeful. They took their cue from me, I talked about what my doctor said, I am a "healthy woman who has breast cancer and now I'm a survivor". That's how they saw me - a healthy woman and a survivor... and as time has gone by and I've completed surgeries and treatments breast cancer has not been as present in our lives...I wish you the best - good luck and (((Hugs))) Maureen

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  • Rads14
    Rads14 Member Posts: 8
    edited March 2014

    thanks so much Maureen:))) your words are so comforting as I can tell we have been through similar emotions. How difficult that must have been losing a mother to bc while facing it as a mother! I like the words you used , healthy and survivor. I will keep that and use it for sure. One of my closest friends said exactly what you said...I will know when I am ready. So glad you have come out on top! <3

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  • Moderators
    Moderators Member Posts: 25,912
    edited March 2014

    Hello Rads, and welcome to Breastcancer.org, although we're sorry that you've had to find this community.

    As well as the help and experiences you'll hear from other members, like Maureen, the main Breastcancer.org has a section on Telling Family and Friends About Breast Cancer that includes advice for talking with both younger and older children. 

    Best wishes to you, and your family,

    • The Mods

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  • Sinsin
    Sinsin Member Posts: 358
    edited March 2014

    I have a 5 year old boy in pre-k and a 2 year old daughter. We had to say something to our son because of the changes that were happening and are going to happen, such as all the doctor appointments, the surgery, treatment, hair falling out, etc. We simply told him one night that momma was sick and that was why I was going to so many doctor appointments. He accepted that easily and as things change we simply inform him in a simple manner and answer his questions. I also, informed his teacher so that she was aware of the situation, in case he had any behavior changes at school over this. So far, he's done remarkably well and in fact, has handled it the best out of all of us! LOL I started chemo and informed him last night that I my hair would fall out from my medicine and after asking why, he matter of factly responded with "Well, Mom. At least you won't have to worry about combing your hair anymore! Won't that be easy?" I wanted to fall laughing. :) 

     I think it important that you be honest with them without needing to go into detail. It may not be easy, but who said this road was? Good luck!

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  • mdg
    mdg Member Posts: 3,571
    edited March 2014

    My son was 4 when I was diagnosed and I didn't know what to do.  I did not tell him anything until a few days before my BMX.  I kept it simple and just said I had a boo boo in my chest and the dr has to take it out so that I stay healthy.  He accepted that...didn't ask anything.  I had to do chemo but I chose to use the Cold Caps and was able to keep my long hair through chemo.  My son never saw me look much different.  He is now 7 and still does not know.  I have thought about how/when to tell him and I still dread that day.  I do plan on telling him but I may wait until he asks what cancer is.  At least by then he will know I have been healthy and normal so hopefully it will spare him worry or fear. 

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  • beatrice00
    beatrice00 Member Posts: 103
    edited March 2014

    I never told my 5-year old and 3-year old. Grandpa told them that I was going to the doctor for "long check-ups" and they accepted that. It turns out that my daughter figured something out. Her kindergarted teacher told me at the parent teacher conference that she told the class that I was having lung surgery! Kids always know if something is up. I won't tell them exactly what happened until they are much older. I have thyroid cancer surgery coming up in May and I will be going for another " long check-up". 

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  • Rads14
    Rads14 Member Posts: 8
    edited June 2014

    I haven't been on this site in a while and wanted to update everyone on how things went. First off, I am very thankful for the early detection and for being spared from chemo and any further treatment being needed than what I had. 

    This month, after school was out...My husband and I did finally find the perfect moment to talk to our two girls about what happened and it went more beautifully than I could've dreamed. We were sitting at dinner and my older daughter offered to say the prayer. Her prayer ended about thankfulness for all of our health. That was my cue! My husband and I told them about my breast cancer and even though my older daughter cried and asked all the questions we expected, it was so nice to be able to be open about it. My younger daughter was the one that pulled it all together when she told her sister that all of our loved ones in heaven were up there with God comforting us ....and then she asked if we could all pray together.  It took my breath away. And then we went out for ice cream! 

    I know my story has a much simpler ending than some, but if anyone else has my situation I hope I can be a resource of comfort or real help to someone with kids who may not know what to do.  I am extremely thankful for this website and the ladies on it....it has been a huge resource and comfort!!!

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  • Swimmom2
    Swimmom2 Member Posts: 169
    edited July 2014

    when I told my daughter (11) - the first person she shared it with seemed random to me, a girl in her home room that she is friendly with but not close to and never does play dates with. My daughter comes home from school and says I told claire* (not here real name) about your surgery and she said her mom had the same thing and is fine and doing great, so I feel so much less worried about you.

    I'm not religious, but it seemed like divine intervention to me!

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