Very overwhelmed

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mrsam1025
mrsam1025 Member Posts: 4
edited June 2014 in Just Diagnosed

About five months ago my wife's 82 year old mother was diagnosed with breast cancer. Her doctors told us it's extremely rare and they had to figure out a new treatment protocol because they don't see this particular type of breast cancer in women of her age. There is no breast cancer in her family. She had a breast removed and is now on medication. So far she seems to be doing okay but I don't know what to think about it since it's recent. I've spent a ton of time on these forums and am heartbroken and impressed at the same time reading all the stories and trying to learn as much as possible. I appreciate this amazing community that shares so much. 

Two weeks ago we discoverd that my wife now has breast cancer. I'll admit I'm a little fried mentally as it seems like an actual nightmare much like most people reading this post have experienced. We're going to the oncologist tomorrow after seeing the sugeon today. DCIS, IDC, lymph nodes involved and other aspects we will find out soon (she had a biopsy and two tumors removed). Her surgery is already scheduled as they plan to remove one of her breasts but hopefully not the other. Genetic testing and a pet scan are also on the schedule. Unlike her mother they will be doing chemo and radiation after surgery. I've been reading about chemo all day and can't really digest anymore. Although we don't know her specific chemo protocol I'm trying to figure out how to best be there for her. Her profession and passion in life has been to help others. She has always put others before herself even when it wasn't really fair and sometimes detrimental to herself. But that's who she is. I'm an agressive researcher as is she and we will continue to be as well educated as possible. But the side effects of the chemo short and long term have me very concerned. I'll be there for her 100% emotionally, physically and any other way she needs. How else can I help her? I feel pretty overwhelmed and somewhat helpless. I'm also helping care for my own parents. One has Parkinson's and the other is just getting over an illness.  I'm handling the parents the best I can and consider myself lucky they're all (somewhat) okay. The situation with my wife is the hardest part yet. Sorry for the long post. I hope they cure bc as soon as possible!  Thank you :)

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  • Ariom
    Ariom Member Posts: 6,197
    edited March 2014

    Hello mrsam!

    I am so sorry! I can understand you feeling fried, by all that has been happening around you, but have to say that unfortunately, men like you, aren't always the norm here.  

    Your wife will appreciate your total commitment to her, when she undergoes her treatment and surgery. I have a husband who was, and is a rock for me and although I didn't have to have the treatments your wife is facing, my Husband was there for me every step of the way. He researched and familiarized himself with my Dx, he was the other set of ears at my appointments, catching all the bits that I missed because I was in a fog. He was there, right after my Mastectomy and made the comment I will never forget, when looking at my non reconstructed chest for the first time "Oh wow! That  will heal really well!" "You don't need two boobs to be gorgeous!" From that moment forward, I have had no issue with my changed body, his acceptance, boosted my confidence beyond words and we are closer than ever

    There will be others along who can give you answers about the treatments that I am not familiar with. I wish you and your wife all the very best on this journey. This part is very tough, while you are waiting to get a plan in place. Come here often and ask anything. Everyone here is so supportive and willing to help if needed. Take care!

     

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  • Delvzy
    Delvzy Member Posts: 527
    edited March 2014

    Hi I understand your feelings and can relate to them very well. My husband was so stressed when I was diagnosed that he burst a blood vessel and ended up with a black eye. He was a rock for me did all the housework and looked after my 5 year old son. I had 3 different types of breast cancer and 2 tumours I have just gone 5 1/2 years and I was a person who also studied my disease and went with both conventional and alternative medicine . It worked very well for me with very little sickness during chemo and few side effects from 5 years of hormone treatment (now finished) best of luck with your treatment and feel free to ask anything Jude  

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  • mrsam1025
    mrsam1025 Member Posts: 4
    edited March 2014

    Hi Ariom, 

    Thank you for taking the time to read and respond to my post. Some family members and I were having discussion about breast cancer tonight. One member is an attorney and he was telling us about a recent case. The wife is 36 and she and her husband have three children. She has aggressive breast cancer and that is one of the main reasons he filed for divorce. I know there are a lot of bad people in the world as well as some who are just scared. But this case makes no sense to me. I'm nowhere near perfect but that's just wrong. The only thing that matters to me is that my wife is okay. I don't care if she has two boobs like you mentioned. Your husband is very supportive (and very impressive) and I'm trying to be the same way. I know how important that can be. I've learned it's not easy being the spouse or caretaker or support system. However it's nowhere near as hard as being the patient and I try to be aware of that everyday. As I learn more I'm sure I'll post again especially once I have a better foundation in terms of understanding what's really happening. Take care too. Never give up :)

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  • mrsam1025
    mrsam1025 Member Posts: 4
    edited March 2014

    Hi Jude, 

    Thank you too for responding. I'm very happy to hear how well you're doing especially after all you've been through. One thing, in particular, that you mentioned is very important to me. You talked about very little sickness during chemo AND you used both conventional and alternative medicine. We don't know what her chemo protocol will be until she heals from her upcoming surgery. So I have a good five weeks to try to learn about how to help minimize the side effects from the chemo and what alternative medicine(s) might help. Do you have any advice on where I can look to learn more? Thanks! 

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  • Ariom
    Ariom Member Posts: 6,197
    edited March 2014

    You're welcome mrsam! I wish you both, all the very best!

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  • mdg
    mdg Member Posts: 3,571
    edited March 2014

    I am so sorry you find yourself here but you will find friendship and the support you need to help you through this.  Your wife is lucky to have you!

    Chemo is not always as bad as it seems.  I was a lucky one and got through it will no major side effects.  I exercised daily through all of chemo and still managed to get up and get my 4 year old out the door every morning for pre-school.  I also cooked dinner for my family almost every night.  Some people do fine through chemo and I hope your wife will be one of them.

    You may also want to contact a local cancer support organization and see if they have any services that may be helpful since you have so much going on.  

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  • Cuetang
    Cuetang Member Posts: 575
    edited March 2014

    mrsam-- I'm sorry that you and your wife have to join us here, but glad you are reaching out.  I think you're doing what you need to do, being there for her to lean on and an extra pair of ears and learning all you can about the terminology and various treatment options/plans.  On these boards, I've seen a lot of people recommend the book "breast cancer husband".  My husband is more of an internet research guy, so he wouldn't read it, but I wanted to present it as an option if you wanted to look into it.

    My husband ended up attending all my doctors appointments and picked up the slack in the household because I was too much in a daze to care about some of the things.  He listened to what doctors said as I was still reeling over the "wtf, I have cancer" moments.  He let me sulk, but also cheered me up as well.  He supported all my decisions, including a double mastectomy and said "look, you being here with me is more important than you keeping your boobs that tried to kill you." 

    All of a sudden you're thrown into this weird stressful world with a whole host of options/terminologies and "damned if you do and damned if you don't moments.  Don't hesitate to throw out questions on the various boards -- someone will provide you an answer or their experience to things.  Good luck.

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