lack of family support

happyhappy10 · March 2014

Hi everyone,

I did a search on these boards looking for "lack of family support", it is out there, but they are posted within other threads. I thought I'd start a thread, as some of us are going through it. I don't know about you, but I'm ashamed to even speak of it. To say that my parents are not supportive, and have even become distant, makes me feel like I'm portraying them as heartless people, which they are not. I think they scared and un-informed. (Un-informed because they don't keep up with what's going on with me).

This lack of family support is causing me WAY more stress than my cancer, or Stage 0/pre-cancer, or what my parents think...no-cancer, despite every mamo/biopsy/mri that results in even more suspicious activity, and even more tests. Everytime I go in, it's something new they want to biopsy or look at.

I have never been needy, been indepedent for 25 years, never been sick. Bottom line is I don't want my mother there at pre-op, ( I have extreme anxiety before being put to sleep), and I don't want her there, which stresses me out, b/c she will get offended! I have read here on the message boards to have someone stay with you overnight when you get out of surgery, because you may not be able to find the call-button, and just to have an advocate there to speak for you while you can't speak for yourself. My mother proceeded to tell me that it was unnecessary as I would be in a hospital and the nurses are suppose to take care of me. A member of the family, who I spoke to about this, and who knows everything I'm doing and why I'm doing what I'm doing, said she would be there for me, but she doesn't want to step on my mother's toes. (Gosh, sounds like we ALL need a therapy session!)

I am to the point of changing my "decision making while I'm under" to this family member because she knows what I'm doing and why I'm doing it, and if questions are asked during surgery, she will know how I would answer. But I think my parents would get pissed off (or maybe, deep down, relieved).

I have read a couple posts of people who have more drastic stages, and I feel for them. I just to want to give them a hug, and just sit with them for a bit.

Anyone have lack of family support? What did you do about it? How do you cope?

edwards750 · March 2014

No I didn't happy. I was blessed to have husband, sister in law, sister and brothers and friends right there with me but to be fair I only had a lumpectomy so I was in and out in no time. I got plenty of support via phone calls, food, etc. so can't complain. I understand your mother would not appreciate your advocate being someone other than her but I would explain to her in the most tactful way you can muster that this other person is the one you have chosen. Obviously nothing negative about not choosing your mother but be positive like you are doing it for her. Its tough when you already have enough on your plate to be dealing with a situation like this but it is what it is. Good luck. Keep us posted. Diane

TB90 · March 2014

Happy: I too can relate. My DH and DS have been fantastic, along with friends, co-workers, etc. so I definitely have lots of support. But my sister has been so absent through all of this. It breaks my heart and although I know she loves me, she certainly has an odd way of showing it. I think it is so difficult to imagine how family can so miss the mark when it comes to supporting us through breast cancer. Once she finally calls and asks me how I am doing and after I give her a big piece of my mind, I will then try to understand what she was thinking. I need to tell her how I feel, but will then be open to trying to understand how she justified her behavior. I don't need her support right now so can just leave this to deal with when it surfaces.

My recommendation to you would be to talk with them. I know it is so hard to let people know exactly what you need from them at a time when we want people to get it and not have to be told. But unfortunately, so many people just do not know what to do. This is the time to be meeting your needs, so it is ok to tell people exactly what you need from them. Be specific. It is better to have these difficult conversations than to let things fester (like I am doing with my sister . Especially if their behavior is affecting your treatment, recovery, emotional well-being, etc. Take care of yourself and for once, put your needs in front of others'.

Leealice · March 2014

My Dad died a few years ago and my mom is no help. She is full of drama and I have keep her at arms length during this process. She lives out of state so it's a little easier. I had her visit once and all she wanted to do was go shopping and out to eat when I wasn't feeling well from chemo

Instead I take my sisters or friends to chemo and rely on them. They have been wonderful, supportive, positive and loving which is what I need right now. Time for me to be selfish. My mom's feelings were hurt at first but I think she is over it. When I talked to her this week she asked if I was all done with chemo and I had 2 more to go. Everyone who is close to me knows that. I got off the phone and cried that my own mother isn't keeping up with it but makes me realize I'm relying on the right people

TB90 · March 2014

Leealice: So sorry about your mom. If my mom was still alive, I could have described her exactly as you did yours. I try to believe that they are doing the best they can given whatever has happened in their lives. I want and need to believe this but it does not mean that we have to tolerate their behavior and you are doing exactly what you need to do for yourself. Good for you!

I have girlfriends from all across Canada as we moved a lot and I receive the most amazing emails at the most perfect moments. They remember every little detail and have added so much to my life. My sister does not even know my actual dx or tx. Hmmmm

farmerlucy · March 2014

My parents, then 78 and 72, pretty much check out when there is a problem. After my diagnosis I literally didn't hear from them for a couple months. I think that is the only way my dad knows how to deal with things. At this late date I know it is unlikely anything will change so I just accept it. My DH was my rock. My kids basically continued on with their self-centered 20 something lives like nothing happened. I am so grateful for that. It taught me that if the worst were to happen they'd be ok.

TB90 · March 2014

Farmerlucy: That is a blessing in disguise.

MrsDarcy · March 2014

Leealice, although my parents have been by my side since my dx, I still feel your pain because my sister is the one who let me down (like TB90). I always say "we can pick our friends but we can't pick our families". You have to do what makes you feel good and comfortable. Remember that. You have a big enough battle to tackle right now - turn to those you know that "have your back". (((Hugs)))

P.s. TB90- my sister and yours sound alike. Sadly.

midnight1327 · March 2014

Hi there, i feel so sad reading your posts with the lack of family support you have had. iMy 77 year old mother drove 8 hours from one end of island to the other to be with me and brought my friend and took me to apointments. my sisters were both very supportive, they never came down then, but later one did, the other could not afford it, but was there and rang and texed. i could not have better support and i have a wonderful husband who goes to all my appointments, he did not go to my rads ones, but all the doctor ones. i wish you ladies had that. i really feel bad for you ladies, makes me want to cry for you. BIG HUGS TO YOU ALL.

TB90 · March 2014

Midnight: Your response made me cry. I think I am trying to minimize the affect my sister is having on me. But I have a younger brother who phones all the time to make me laugh. I dreamt the other night that he was my sister and that we kind of "beat up" my real sister. Amazing what our subconscious does. You have a gift. Cherish your family and never take them for granted.

lack of family support

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