Post Surgery Mixed Emotions

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Amy8
Amy8 Member Posts: 3
edited June 2014 in Mental Health: Because Cancer Doesn't Just Affect Your Breasts

Hi Everyone, I am BRCA 1 positive and had a preventative double mastectomy 3 weeks ago.  I put off the procedure for 4 year because I was afraid of the surgery but more importantly, the pain that comes along with the entire process. A couple months ago, I decided it was now or never so I made appointments to meet with various doctors, had all of my pre-op appointments and scheduled the appointment.  I was scared up until the last minute but kept telling myself I was doing this "for life."  (Being BRCA 1 positive means I had an 87% chance of getting breast cancer).  The surgery itself was scary but I had confidence in my doctors so that was somewhat of a help.  The hospital staff was amazing and when I left, everything seemed to be right on track.  In the past three weeks, I've been doing everything the plastic surgeon and the breast surgeon have been telling me to do and both say I'm healing beautifully.  The problem I'm having is that emotionally, I'm not doing as well.  The pain is bearable (I'm off all of the prescribed medications) and the exercises are helping with the range of motions in my upper body but I recently found out that the pathology report showed stage 0, pre cancerous cells.  The doctor said I had the surgery at the right time because it was just a matter of time before I would get a breast cancer diagnosis.  That in itself is scary especially since I had a breast MRI two weeks before the surgery and that came out clean.  Are there others out there who had mixed emotions (sad, depressed, relief, etc) and would start crying when thinking of all they went thru?  The doctor's say it's normal to feel this way but it would be nice to talk to others who have experienced this.  Thank you!

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  • farmerlucy
    farmerlucy Member Posts: 3,985
    edited February 2014

    Oh Amy- thank goodness you had the surgery when you did. I had a PBMX and invasive was found. I would have been thrilled with Stage 0.  Also, after my mx I fell into a dark place. My PCP has a theory that the loss of the breast tissues triggers something in the brain. He said he was treating four ladies just like me for anxiety and depression. Plus I'm sure your activity level is not back to what it was and that can make one blue. What you are feeling is perfectly normal. You have been through a great deal of trauma. Be gentle with yourself. Feel whatever you feel. Cry whenever you want. 

    Big cyber hug to you.

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  • vbishop
    vbishop Member Posts: 616
    edited February 2014

    Hi Amy8 -

    I am happy that you are healing well physically from your surgery.  I am sorry you are having a rough go at in emotionally.  Fortunately, it is something your doctor has seen and can help you with.

    As for me, I never got weepy post surgery...but I did get bitchy two weeks before my exchange surgery.  I wanted to get it over with!  I wanted my life back!  I wanted to get my upper body strength back!  I wanted to know what my new "normal" was going to look like.  Patience is not my strong suit...can you tell? Fortunately, I have family that helped me pull my head out of my fanny and move on.  After all, I am so blessed and luckier than most....so far.

    I believe everything happens in life the way it is suppose to, in the order it is suppose to.  What we do with it is up to us....

    Hang in there!  And know you have a guardian angel watching over you :)

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  • Amy8
    Amy8 Member Posts: 3
    edited February 2014

    Hi Farmerlucy.  Thank you for the reply. I never would have thought that the loss of the breast tissues could trigger something in the brain.  Definitely something to inquire about.  All I know is that I've been fine mentally until a week ago and I don't understand the sudden change in emotions.   It's almost like as soon as the pain became bearable, I was out of bed, walking and doing the exercises the doctor's gave me, BAM, the mixed emotions started.   I'm trying to be gentle with myself but I have others who are pressuring me to go back to work and do more than I'm doing.  Yesterday was the first day since my surgery that I felt like the real me was coming back to life.  But this morning, I woke up and all of these emotions came at me all at once and all I could do was cry.  And you are correct in that my activity level is not back to what it was.  I drove outside my development for the first time today.  It felt good but my arms were sore from all the turns - lol. 

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  • HanksMom1
    HanksMom1 Member Posts: 7
    edited February 2014

    Hello Everyone!

    I had a lumpectomy (left) on 1/31. Today is my follow-up to get all the details for staging, grading, and therapy.  I am very nervous. In fact, I have been very positive and showing a "happy" face in public, but this past weekend I was hosting my own pity party and am still having the effects.  All I want to do is sit & cry.  The pain is a constant reminder of what I have, and sometimes I wonder & worry about treatments, how long I will go through this, if it will reoccur, and just the FACT of having BC. I rarely sleep at night without melatonin and noise to settle my mind.  I'm just not understanding why it is happening NOW. I am usually a very positive person.

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  • farmerlucy
    farmerlucy Member Posts: 3,985
    edited February 2014

    My counselor and Stephen Minister who is a cancer social worker in her day job urged me not to put on the happy face for everyone. This whole thing is a process. The fear of recurrence is so tough in the early days. Slowly, miraculously you learn to live with it.

    Hanksmom good luck today. Please let us know how everything goes.

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  • farmerlucy
    farmerlucy Member Posts: 3,985
    edited February 2014

    the book "after breast cancer" by Heather Hill Schnipper is wonderful and is like $13 on Amazon.

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  • farmerlucy
    farmerlucy Member Posts: 3,985
    edited February 2014

    Amy I was just remembering how I felt when I found out the surprised dx. I was so devastated. For crying out loud I had just cut off my own breasts to avoid it and still it caught up with me. I was sooooo angry at God. Gentle hug.

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  • Amy8
    Amy8 Member Posts: 3
    edited February 2014

    Hanksmom - how did it go?

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  • LPBoston
    LPBoston Member Posts: 89
    edited March 2014

    Amy - I am almost a year out of having a double mastectomy with tram flap reconstruction - went through chemo and was allergic to the taxotere but had to be desensitized in order to have it anyways - for the past year I just kept moving forward - took 6 weeks off for the surgery but worked full time through chemo just to get through it all - I felt if I stopped I would just curl up and die with the emotions and depression.  I right now feel like I have hit a wall trying to be strong for myself and everyone else around me so the emotional rollercoaster and depression is all part of it.  If you can, try to talk to someone - I am sure your family and friends are there for you but that isn't enough - you need to talk to a professional to help you organize and prioritize your thoughts - something I have not done yet but feel I really need to do to get through this. Thanks for putting your honesty out there - I feel there isn't anywhere to go or anyone to talk to except this forum to be able to vent and everyone understands!  Thinking of you and when you want to cry - cry, it helps!!!!  If you want to yell - Scream!!!

    Prayers from someone who totally understands.

    LPBoston

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  • kazey48
    kazey48 Member Posts: 9
    edited March 2014

    Hi, I'm new to the forum and just came across this thread. Lots of the things that have been said echoed for me, feeling overwhelmed, not able to 'get on with things', 'move on' and all that stuff. Someone mentioned a book that was good and it made me think of a book I've found that makes me feel normal. It tells us that we're not mad when we go through the emotional rollercoaster of breast cancer and can't just get on with life like we did before! It's by a psychologist who's had breast cancer herself, so knows what she's talking about. It's called Emotional Support through Breast Cancer by Dr Cordelia Galgut, but it's not at all doctory, it just tells it like it is. I carry it round with me a lot of the time and read bits to remind me that I'm not going mad! Have a look on Amazon, it's $9.99 and is on Kindle as well.

    Kazey

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited March 2014

    Kazey...Thanks for the book recommendation, Emotional Support through Breast Cancer.  I am scheduled for my BMX on April 3rd and felt as if I was handling things quite well until I had a sudden outburst yesterday - (poor hubby).  I just purchased the Kindle version and after just a quick read through, I already feel validated for my emotions.  Just taking one day, one moment and one minute at a time.  Thank you again.

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  • kazey48
    kazey48 Member Posts: 9
    edited March 2014

    Great, I'm glad you've got it and that it helped. I was so relieved to find this book and I'm now telling everyone about it because there's nothing else like it that I know of. I'm spreading the word, because I know there are so many of us out there that need this support. Do let others know what you think and let me know how you get on.

    Kazey x

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