2014 Divorce Anyone?
It's been an interesting but tough road. I didn't file for divorce until 4 years after DX, but I know that being DX'd was the beginning and impetus for my divorce. I'm wondering how many others have been, and are in the same situation, and would like to share and exchange the trials and tribulations 
Comments
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Wen.…sending you hugs and strength. Wish there was something more that I can say or do....
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Thank-you VR, My heartfelt appreciation.
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Hi Wen. Yep, in your boat with you. Not divorcing yet but am separated with no expectation of reconciliation. Mostly, our arrangement is to keep our 15 yo son in the same school. Probably after he is finished, we will split. No doubt that the dx and subsequent issues was the final straw. To the amazement of family and friends, I am ok with it. It is at least a stress reduction for me.
How do you feel?
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Hi Moni, I'm feel mostly OK. It's a huge stressor making me wonder if that's bad for a recurrence. I know it's just bad in general to live under constant stress for years one end. It took me forever to give myself permission to leave the person I've known with since I was 17 and have been married to for nearly 41 years. I've come to terms knowing that I am doing the right thing for me, no regrets. That does not mean that I'm not sad and overwhelmed at times. I do notice that I am quite joyful with my friends and even at work. I have the support of friends and family (including my children). I guess I couldn't ask for more. Are you still living in the same house with your spouse?
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OMG! I've also known the DH since I was 17 and our relationship will hit 41 years this summer! Wen....I think it takes a lot of courage and strength to do what you are doing. In recent years, I've had two close friends throw the towel in. Make no mistake about it...tough decision to make, but both have moved on...not so easy, but it was their choice and....you'd be surprised at the out pouring of support that they received. There were also some nasty comments made about them....I never could have believed that other women could be so judgmental. Hold your head high...see the view beyond the mountains and good luck traveling the terrain. What awaits you is the serenity your tired feet and mind will soak up once you arrive..and happiness? Its also there awaiting you!!!
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Hi Wen! No we do not live together, he moved in with his parents about 4.5 hours from me. The reasons he gave me were weak at best, but it boils down to he wants more excitement and a more secure future. Sorry, can't do that. Hope he finds it. 23.5 yrs together.
Congratulations on 4yrs VR!
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Have not posted in a while but have lurked. I am working on a Plan B for myself which right now looks like separation. I had breast cancer last winter with 6 weeks of radiation. Our sex life had always been weird...just weird. After radiation I experienced some pain during sex and attributed that to loss of hormones. In October I discovered that my husband is addicted to porn. He has been watching pornography since he was a teenager, he is now 57. He refuses to stop and told me that if I can't live with it to take my time moving out.
Looking back, I see all the signs that I ignored. The problem with our sex life stemmed from him and not me. I beat myself up over it for almost a year, now realizing that he is the problem.
I think I have issues with my body image and the realization that my husband prefers having sex with himself and a two dimensional image sure doesn't help.
I am trying to get my ducks in a row, so to speak, to move out when the time is right.
Bless all of you who are going through relationship problems. As if the cancer is not enough of an ordeal, to have the stress of relationship issues is just more than we should have to bear.
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VR, quite a coincidence!! It's a long time to be with someone. As a young married, I imagined that all of the kinks would have been "worked out" by now. It's amazing how cancer can put things in perspective, giving one the power/permission to do amazing things. What I am doing is so so far out of my comfort zone that I have amazed myself!! Speaking of books (as we often do), I'm reading a (believe it or not) non-fiction by Deirdre Bair "Calling it Quits: Late Life Divorce and Starting Over". It's quite fascinating. The women leave because they want their freedom, and the men are clueless. Was I surprised to read that? Not
moni, If your husband wants more excitement, that shouldn't be your be your responsibility. If my husband had said that to me (a long time ago), I would have fallen hook, line and sinker taking it on as my failure and responsibility. Hopefully, you will be the one to find more security. It sounds like you deserve better. These days, I think 10 years is a long time to be married.
numbersinger, Thanks for chiming in. Hindsight is always 20/20 no? I'm sorry that you have body issues. You certainly don't need someone who brings that to the forefront when you are still not that far out from your treatment completion, or anything for that matter. If you truly care for him, perhaps tough love is an option, but he can only be helped if he wants it. I wish you the best in discerning what is best for you and your future.
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Wen...the most important book that I read during my formative years was Erich Fromm's The Art of Loving. The book enriched my being. According to Fromm, Love is not a noun or object, it is a verb requiring action. Love requires energy and hard work. Goodness, how hard the DH and I have worked on loving, together. Loving our children, family, friends and ideas! How hard we work on developing our love of ideas...Seems like some of us work harder at loving....and some times, some of us don't work hard enough at all...my perspective of love, built on Fromm's philosophy, never let's me take for granted my ability to love myself or others. It is such hard work and when your partner chooses not to work as hard as you do at loving, it hurts....hard. Take a peak at Fromm's book if you haven't already. It still comforts me, all these years later...
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oh...one more thing...Fromm has taught me that one needs to love themselves FIRST! Once one is confident in their love for themselves, only then will they begin to have the courage to take a risk at developing the ability to love others...
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VR, Thank-you for telling me about Eric Fromm's book. Loving myself first is a lesson I've learned on this whole journey. It's dam hard to love someone, I'm pooped
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Why does cancer have to destroy so much of our lives...My husband and I aren't quite there yet (I think) but since my lifestyle had to change he is not willing to make those changes with me and it makes me so much more stressed out. I know that it isn't good for my health to be so upset and I guess I am trying to weigh it all out and determine if I would be in better shape without him or accept that I am in this alone...and just suffer through what is rapidly becoming more difficult... I want to try and live as happily as I can until this awful disease takes me home and I am not sure if happy could be achieved in this situation. My children are grown I have lost my job...a brain tumor and my left breast then dx with mets all within the past 14 months...If I leave him I will have no insurance...scared and alone not sure what to do :-(
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tg1203, I am sorry about your diagnosis and what you are suffering through with your husband. In some ways I think, the decision needs to be a process of elimination. Due to the history my husband and I had as a couple, I had a defining moment when I realized I was at the end of the road and the love I had had for him was gone. It is said that the opposite of love is not hate, but indifference. I also made a pro/con list. The only thing on my pro list was that if I had a recurrence or other illness, that I would be alone. In the end, that wasn't enough to make me want to stay. The next thing I had to do was give myself permission to decide that I knew this was what I wanted, and then say it!! It's always easier to give it another whirl, because that takes away the immediate feelings of panic and puts you back in your comfort zone. You have to decide if that's what you want to do, or whether you want to push through the pain and determine if the pain you are living with on a daily basis is better than the pain of ending the relationship. Everyone is on their own path and has to make what they feel is the best decision for themselves. Maybe you can not be certain, but you certainly know that you are not happy. Not an easy decision when dealing with a major illness Interesting saying I read last week. Real life begins at the end of your comfort zone. Best wishes!! Please feel free to PM me.
Wendy
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Thank you for replying Wendy I am sure I know in my heart that it is over. I just have such a hard time understanding how people can be so cold... Been arguing for 2 days straight and no hope in sight. Going to a friends to try to have some peace. Leave for Tulsa for check up on Monday and honestly can't wait to get away from him for a few days at least. Thanks again.. I especially like that quote.:-)
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Thank you ladies for your sharing. I needed this badly. I have been afraid for 7 years that my spouse would burn out. BC DX 1993. Intermittent problems with health since. 2007 renal cell carcinoma and right kidney removed. Then the BC mets started. On top of all this I have been extremely homesick. 15 years living 700 miles from "home", only 1 daughter here for support, 40 miles round trip to doctors. Can' t say I did not see it coming. 2 weeks ago we agreed that I would go back "home" at least for awhile. God must have a sense of humor as last Thurs I found out I am a candidate for stereotactic rads to the MRT on my adrenal gland. Only one other met in my body that is basically dormant. But the kicker is we will be traveling 56 miles round trip for the 5 st rads, 1 treatment at a time every day. Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers. Such mixed emotions. 45 years of marriage, 73 years old, lots of kids and grandkids. But I am just so over all of it. Thanks for "listening".
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Oh my goodness, donszbee! I am so sorry for the situation you are in currently, both health and relationship wise. I'm glad you found a place to dump your feelings. Sadly, I think the worst of situations in life can make us face the truths we haven't wanted to admit. As painful as it is, a blessing as well? You have a long road ahead, and your job is to focus on healing. Your spouse can deal with his feelings. I hope that you will find peace being closer to your family. I think that is what you were planning to do. Not sure if your rads is what is going to be taking you there, or if that will be postponing it. In any case, please let us know how and what you are doing. There are so many of us here to help you. Big hugs {{{{{{{donszbee}}}}}}}
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tg1203, my pleasure. I hope that you are finding some peace while on your "medical vacation". It was during periods of separation that gave me pause when I realized I didn't miss my husband. At first it was scary, and then it was confirmation of the inevitable
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I am not really getting a divorce. Have been divorced twice so stayed single for past 20 yrs but 12 yrs ago met and fell in love with co worker. My parents passed and so got involved with his family. Lived with him for awhile but wasn't working so bought my own home. Diagnosed in 2012 and he stayed with me through the operations and all. Finishing up now, got my surg nips in Dec and tattoos yesterday. Should be thrilled that all is over hopefully with the BC and sickness ...even got a stellar review of 2013 today at work. However, I sit here dissolved in tears over the loss of the fiancé, my real boobs, and the adopted family. I know it's not the same as a real marriage and real expensive legal divorce but it hurts just the same and there is no support. I had 2 best friends. One had to get a job so she found one in North Carolina so I don't see her much. The other committed suicide with an overdose of prescription and street drugs cause she was dating the father of a child she was babysitting and he went out and married someone else. Gosh, I know I am giving him too much power over my life...but I don't know how to stop! gonna make an appoinmt with the cancer psychologist they referred me to right after diagn..should have know I could not get thru all this alone..really feeling it with you ladies right now.
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Layla, Glad to hear you are going to make any appointment with a psychologist. It's important to find out why you allow yourself to give your power away.
It seems like you have hit rock bottom in terms of how your BC diagnosis has impacted you, not to mention the 2 best friends. So sorry
The break-up of a relationship is the break-up of a relationship no matter how you look at it. Be glad that (at least) you don't have to deal with the legal ramifications, you've got enough going on.
BC.org is such a wonderful place for all of us who are needing support. Glad you chimed in...
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You are so right. Wenweb. I have hit a low point. Got depressed couldn't sleep last night, up til 4am. got some stupid text msgs from "him". Like "hope we can be friends". Say what!? I got my appoint with PHD cancer psych,get some tips for moving on.
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Layla, please keep us posted.
Best Wishes
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Dear wenweb, my fellow book lover...I'm reading, The Novel Cure (see book lovers thread)....I've recently read one of Ann Pratchett's books, however, I never read Bel Canto. It's mentioned in this book that I'm reading. The authors mention that Bel Canto's theme about looking for Mr or Ms Right requires one to be happy with oneself and in doing the things one is passionate about, "live your life, grow and develop in interesting ways, and enjoy it while you're at it. Then- who knows- maybe your Mr or Mrs Right will find you.". Sounds like Erich Fromm to me....
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There is so much not knowing for me right now, I don't know if I have cancer (get biopsy results tomorrow) but already had to have a lumpectomy in 2004 for abnormal cell growth that I am told would have lead to cancer... I don't know if my marriage or myself will survive this stress...
I've been with my husband for 5 years, but we have only been married since last October -- 8 months and in that 8 months so much has happened that has added strain to our marriage... our wedding night we got a call that his father was gravely ill and not expected to make it... we drove back and forth 3 hours one way to see his father on our days off, in January I was laid off from my job and we had to move in with family, so we already had moments of snapping at each other, arguing, stress, tension... I found the lump in my breast (same one I had to have the lumpectomy on in 2004) in March and just kept hoping it would go away... Finally made myself go to the doctor in April... have since failed the mammogram and ultrasound, had a biopsy done last week which I go for the results tomorrow... he is distant, cold, and at times down right disrespectful. I do not know if we are going to make it... I'm scared. I keep telling myself his reaction is because he is scared too... BUT I need his love his support and his understanding and I am not getting it.
Tomorrows results will kind of tentatively decide things for me... I love him with all my heart and soul and I don't want to imagine life without him but I if he is not there for me what is the point?
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I can thank my soon to be X for my dx! I was a year overdue for a pap and mamo. I filed on March 25th....went to see OB on April 23rd, mostly to be checked for STD's. She urged me to go for mamo as I was overdue, I called and got in on the 24th, got the dx of IDC on the right on the 29th. The divorce is the best thing, only issue now is he left town because I wouldn't let him see the kids unsupervised (addiction issues.) I am having a bi-lateral mast on the 20th and am not sure yet about chemo. So I have 3 kids to raise while doing this....I'm lucky to have great friends and family.
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chaos....back in the day when I was newly wed, my mother-in-law became extremely ill. If that wasn't enough of a distraction, during our newly wedded bliss....my grandmother and my father both died unexpectedly...in the same week! Looking back, I could remember saying to myself, " Things could only go uphill from here." And, they did, for awhile....and then awful things happened again, the DH became ill.. Then I became ill then he became ill again and again.
You have a choice to make and so does he. Loving requires work. Hard work. No one I know gets married and lives happily ever after without stress. Decide how much work you want to do at loving. Ask your husband how he feels and if he wants to work as hard as you do. I wish you well...
Former....addiction? That's not the kind of relationship anyone should put their energy into....especially where there is children involved. My friend endured a 35 year marriage to an alcoholic before she had the strength to leave him. Four accomplished children later, we are holding our breath, praying that they and their children will not suffer. Sadly, addiction affects everyone! I wish you well!
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Voracious,
Thanks for your reply. Loving does require a lot of work, and sometimes it is hard work. ( I was previously married for 20 years so the work that goes into it is nothing new to me )
My emotions are all over the place with this breast lump... as I mentioned earlier I had a lumpectomy for abnormal cell growth in 2004 but that wasn't my first cancer scare... (I'd been married 7 years to my first husband we had a solid foundation set) I had ovarian cancer and at age 25 had to have a total hysterectomy... when they did my hysterectomy I almost died from septicemia because they nicked my gall bladder when doing my hysterectomy and I did not know until a month later and I was rushed in for emergency gall bladder removal... things started going well for awhile and then I found the lump which led to my first lumpectomy... I powered through all of that (This October would have been 10 years with no abnormal mammo no health problems other than minor problems)
I guess I felt like I had fought it, fought it well, and would never have to worry about it again, and now suddenly I'm being thrown back into the trenches and I'm totally unprepared in the middle of trying to establish a foundation for my marriage and things keep eroding the foundation away.
I've even had thoughts that if tomorrow the results are not good that I should just leave the marriage not because I do not love him, not because he does not love me, but as crazy as it sounds because I love him and do not want to put him through whatever may lie ahead...
Like I said, emotions are all over the board... I want to fast forward to tomorrow so I know what I'm dealing with, but at the same time I wish tomorrow would never end
Sorry for any rambling... I don't know if I am even making sense anymore!!
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chaos....I almost passed TWICE before I received my breast cancer diagnosis. Two life saving emergency operations. Bottom line....don't think about life changes now. You might have regrets down the road when you look back at making decisions in haste. Time heals. Time soothes us when we are fragile. Give yourself the luxury of time to bask.....
I wish you well! Hope you get good news....
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Thanks, actually just putting all of that out there and getting it off my chest has done more good than anything else I've tried so far.
I seem to cycle between ahhh I'm tough I've done this before I can do it again and the depths of despair *sighs*
Keep telling myself... "Don't forget to breathe" ... and I think I will do just that ...
Your name reminded me that I also love to read (how could I forget that?!) and its a nice partly cloudy day in the 70's here so I'm going to go lounge outside and see if I can lose myself in a good book (that has nothing at all to do with cancer- which is all I have been reading ugh!) and just breathe
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You guys have been to hell and back. Such heartbreaking stories. It's really hard to deal with BC on top of everything else. We all know stress takes its toll. I love it when drs say avoid stress. Really? How exactly do we do that? It's not like we asked for it. I have read countless stories of husbands and boyfriends taking a hike when the going gets tough. Heck of a time to find out the kind of person you have a relationship with. My spouse is a good person but not an overly demonstrative one. We have been through some horrific times too. He has put me through the ringer but I stood by him. We have had family members die suddenly and our youngest son has been through hell and taken us with him. My sister has BC too and my brother n law is so devoted to her. She calls it control; I call it fear. Mine goes to appts with me but that's about it. He never fusses over me. It would be nice once in a while. I am an independent person so he just assumes I will take care of this too. Praying for all of you. You all are so courageous. Diane
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Thanks for the welcome ladies! I'm pretty pissed at the world right now...I waited a loooong time to finally get up the courage to leave my X and was soooo ready for a "new" life. I had met someone, we got along great and he made me feel like I was worth it again, but it was a new relationship. Well his first wife and the mother of his girls died of lung cancer 10 years ago...I felt like I had to tell him about my dx and upcoming surgery.(I really wanted to keep it to myself, but I'm too honest and didn't want a new relationship built on lies) He seemed ok with things, I was NOT expecting to see him for the weeks following the BMX but thought we had established enough of a "relationship" that he'd stay in touch. Well last night he called...."I've enjoyed our time together but I need to take a step back." I was speechless, just said ok, thanks for telling me....take care.....bye! Gee talk about a blow to the gut, FINALLY felt like there might be something going good in my life. I guess I kind of expected it, hell he had a picture of his X on a pillow and a big photo in his grown girls room (they don't live at home anymore) I hear cancer leaves people with PTSD, but dang it! I was so tired of being alone, and not alone, alone I have plenty of great friends and family & 3 great kids, but have not had physical contact with a man in nearly 8 years (up until him,) even though I was married. I hope that this is not going to be the road of my future, meet someone they find out about my dx and they run for the hills. I know I should be thankful for his honesty and that he walked away now, but how much more can a girl deal with??? UGH!! I hate this, I'm so ready for this surgery to be done find out what the treatment plan is and get on with LIFE!! I know I should be thankful for what I have and not what I don't but it's hard....I feel like life just keeps sucker punching me! Thanks for letting me vent!
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