Mom's first onc visit...second opinion?

pumpkin05 · August 2006

(Sorry, this is long, but there IS a point to it, I promise! )

Okay, so my mom had her first visit with the oncologist yesterday.

The doctor that referred her to this oncologist assured us that she's an excellent doctor. So imagine my surprise when we found this woman to be cold and even borderline rude at times. The first thing I noticed was that she seemed somewhat annoyed that all of us (Mom, my two sisters, and I) all came back to the room. This was after the physical exam, so I'm not sure what the problem was. Maybe that's not "normal" for the entire family to be present, but we're BIG family people. My mom, sisters and I are all close, and we're all in this together...my mom wanted us all there. This is all new to us, we're scared, we have questions. We're talking about CANCER here, not a friggin' runny nose. Is it considered rude for a cancer patient's family to be present at doctors' appointments? Judging by the way this doctor treated us, she seemed annoyed.

There were other things, too - my mom would ask questions and either get cut off with something like, "Well I wasn't going to go there yet" or some vague response. I understand the lack of answers, I realize that we know very little until my mom can get further tests done. But the way she presented herself was AWFUL. There were also two or three instances when she would abruptly just leave the room - one time she just got up, without even saying where she was going, and didn't come back for 10 minutes! My mom finally asked the nurse where she went, and she had to take a phone call. Okay, fine. But, hello? It's okay to TALK to us and tell us you're stepping out for a moment. A simple "Excuse me for just a minute" would be fine.

Don't get me wrong - I trust that this doctor knows her stuff, and I've heard very good things about her. And I work in an ICU, so I of all people know that you can't judge a doc's skills by their bedside manner.

But when a person treats you like that, like they don't even like you, you can't help but wonder if your loved one is truly going to get the best care. I strongly believe that if you have a disease as serious as cancer, it is vitally important that you feel at ease with your doc and feel able to be open and ask questions. But am I asking too much?

I discussed with my mom the option of a second opinion, and made sure she understood that it is fully within her right to obtain one. She's worried, though, because it's just one more expense (she has no insurance), and also, it seems like we've been waiting FOREVER to get the ball rolling. We're all tired of the waiting game, and anxious to just get started.

So, I guess the short version is, what would you guys do? If you had no insurance, and if you were worried that it would be too much time wasted to wait on yet ANOTHER doctor's appointment? Would you seek a second opinion, just so you could have a doc you felt at ease with? Help.

yourinspired · August 2006

Hi Jen:

Sounds like we are in the same boat as far as timeline's. My mom was dx'd in July as well. Her mastectomy was July 25. My mom lives with us. I am her only child. I have been to EVERY doctor's appointment with her and into every room. If even one person thought to tell me to leave they never said it. I probably come off pretty witchy. My personal opinion is that if your Mom is not comfortable with the oncologist call around and see if anyone does a get acquainted visit as opposed to a consultation. We just did a get acquainted visited with an onc her in our home town, no charge, he spent an hour with us, we got a tour of his facility, met his staff and was made to feel very comfortable. In fact she will probably be going there unless the surgeon has a big problem with it which I don't think he will.

Just think about how long your Mom is going to have to be with this person - a long time. If she made you that uncomfortable already how will you all feel down the road when she is still that way. Heck, the doc we met with was answering our questions right and left and I did not even take our list! Call around see if you can get into someone for a get acquainted visit.

And, no I don't think you are expecting too much. You sound alot like me. These women (our Mom's) are too important to us and they deserve the best we can give them just as they wish the best for us. Just remember kill 'em with kindness and move on there are other caregivers out there you just need to find the one that is right for you all.

Wishing yo luck and blessings...

pumpkin05 · August 2006

Thanks, Rebecca! I love the idea of a "get acquainted" sort of visit. I've never heard of that, but then again this cancer thing is very new to me (and everyone else in my family). I got some good reccommendations from the RN's I work with. I will certainly call those docs and see if they do that sort of thing. Thanks for the advice!!

texayn2005 · August 2006

I am not a daughter, but a mom with bc and I wanted to respond to your inquiry. My 2 daughters, ages 34 and 35 and my husband of 40 years have been to every major onc visit since my diagnosis was made. I have never had a doctor seem annoyed by the presence of so many people in an exam room...one even went out himself and got more chairs. My daughters and I have always been close and they have a legitimate stake in the findings as we go along this journey together, afterall they are women and they do have breasts and this dx came in at Stage IV mets to the bone from the get-go. They ask questions, have things repeated, ask again, whatever it takes for all of us to understand what the doc is saying. Thankfully no doc, nurse, receptionist,etc has ever acted rude or impatient and I truthfully don't know what I would do if they did. I DO, however, know what my daughters would do and it would not be nice!!!!! They are a lot more vocal than I am. If at all possible, I think I would try to find someone who was more understanding and gave you the time that you deserve to have given to your appt without interruptions or attitude. It is enough to deal with the situation as it is without having to play mind games with the medical professional in the room with you.
If another doc is out of the question, I would address my concerns with the "rude" doc and just tell her like it is and how you felt about the way she is coming across to you. Maybe she just needs an attitude adjustment.
Good luck to you and your mom.

straykat · August 2006

I'd say dump her immediately. There are still docs who don't quite get why nurses leave their profession in droves. The self-importance and lack of respect for their patients and their staff is well documented.

My primary doc recommended my surgeon, rad onc and med onc. The first two were terrific, the med onc was a jerk, much like the doc you described. I complained to my PD and he immediatey assigned me to someone else. The new doc worked out perfectly and I'm glad I had the fortitude to complain. This is someone who will work with your Mom very closely and someone she should have the most confidence in.

Good luck in your fight for your Mom! I have a daughter who was there for me all the way and assisted me in having the med onc switched.

cowgirl · August 2006

BC is a long treatment time, if you don't like the doc on the first visit it will not get any easier. If she is unwilling to answer or listen now she won't listen to complications later either. I would dump that stinkin doc in a heartbeat. A good doc is someone that can help you with your treatment not a Nazi, but that is my opinion.

pumpkin05 · August 2006

Thanks everyone for reaffirming my thoughts. I thought maybe I was just overreacting, but something just didn't seem right!

I talked to one practice about the get-acquainted visit. The gentleman I talked to on the phone was SO nice! He said that he'd never heard of their group doing that sort of thing, but said he would speak with the physician to see if she would be interested in helping my mom out by doing a free consultation. He seemed very genuine, and assured me that I would hear back from them by Monday afternoon. So, yay! Ask and you shall receive (hopefully, at least).

Thanks for the advice, y'all...I'll keep you posted.

goldengirl · August 2006

You know that saying, first impressions are lasting impressions? Does not sound like this physician has an ounce of compassion. Questions I would ask myself are:
1. How is this physician going to be to my mom and the family if there was a crisis?
2. Do I feel comfortable calling her late at night for an emergency type question?
3. Is she giving my mom undivided attention focusing on just her issues during the visits?

You shouldn't settle for this type of behaviour. I would look for another oncologist and then get your moms records transferred. Then I would write a letter to this rude physician and explain why you left her practice. There is absolutely no excuse for this type of behaviour. You are scared, concerned and want the best for your mom. You should find someone who is clinically good but also has the right personality - you'll be seeing alot of this person - make it someone who embraces the family and is not rude or uncaring.

yourinspired · August 2006

Hi Jen:

The get acquainted visit is something I picked up on when I had my children. We literally interviewed peditricians this way. With the peds docs it was usually about 1/2 and I asked lots of questions about their philosophy and stuff. I thought why not try that in this case because this oncologist is going to a part of our lives for awhile and I want him/her to be the best I can find.

Let us know how it goes...Blessings!

slanderson · August 2006

I had the same experience. Mine was a gender problem, I think. I had a male doctor, who was completely cold to my feelings re: hair loss, and chemopause symptoms (hot flashes). I should have changed doctors then but I waited until after chemo was over. I have a new female doctor and she is wonderful. Also, she is young, which normally I wouldn't like, but with breast cancer being such a hotbed of research, I think it is a good thing to be just finished with residency. She is up on everything. I say "if it doesn't feel right", "find someone who does feel right".

Shannon

csp · August 2006

Jen ,
I have nothing to add to all the wonderful advise you have.
Wanted to tell you that on My sister's first appointment
Denise our mother and her husband all went in and the onc was'nt suprised nor seemed put off byus at all matter of fact I was takng notes and he would make sure I wrote down importain points, even spelled a couple of things for me lol When we asked questions he answered with out hesitation
and if he ever had to leave the room on all the other visits he always said he was sorry and would be right back.

I know bed side manner is'nt the most importain thing but geeze, rude is rude. The doctor does'nt have to hold our hands per say, but being polite is not asking too much!

hugs,
Carrie

Anonymous · August 2006

Jen: I am a former ICU nurse and I have breast cancer. I brought my husband with me to all of my appointments. There were so many things I didn't hear the doctors telling me - somehow I would focus or concentrate only on the negatives. My husband would kindly remind me of the positive things being said.

I changed oncs after my first chemo. The first onc was a good doctor and very bright when it came to statistics and treating cancer. But he didnt listen to me. He was flippant and sometimes rude. Quoted statistics that went right over my head. I just didnt like him.

So I changed oncs in the middle of treatment. My first appointment with my new onc, was like a getting to know you appointment. The good beside manner is so important - we need to feel listened to and comforted. I love my new onc. There is alot more to treating this disease than chemo or aromatase inhibitors. The psychological issues need to be addressed also.

So my advise. Use your gut instinct. You have developed that feeling, especially working in ICU. Sounds to me like you need to find a new, and more caring doctor for your mom.

And be there for her. You have every right to be with her on the appointments.

FMGWAC

nowheregirl · August 2006

Hoping your mom gets a better doctor who she is able to put the 100% trust in. Dump that stupid bitch!

pumpkin05 · August 2006

Well, I talked to my mom again, and she said that she would go to her next appointment and see how it went the second time around. (Plus, she had MRI results that she wanted to discuss and get over with.) That was last Friday, and unfortunately I was not able to go with her; I had to work.

However, she did have a much better experience with the doc this time. My grandma and little sister went with her, and apparently the doc was in a much better mood. Didn't seem annoyed with the family presence like last time, smiled and was much more personable. Wish I coulda been there to see it for myself!

So, my mom has decided to give her another chance for now. Her breast surgeon (whom she immediately respected upon first meeting) wanted her to see this oncologist, so my mom feels that she should trust her surgeon's advice. (I still think she should go see someone else, but it's her decision!)

She still has the numbers of the other practices, and she promised me that she would keep them in mind if she decides she's not comfortable (again).

Thanks for all the advice; I don't know what I would do without you guys! You're an incredible source of information and support, and I'm so glad I found this place.

Bianca · September 2006

I am a huge advocae of second, third and fourh opinions if necessary!

I was 29 when dx, and the first onc said I needed a mastectomy the very next week. He was very much the patriarchal "me-doctor... you-patient" which SOOOO did not work for me.

Lucki;y the next doc was a woman and while she was blunt, she also listened to what I had to say and explained things clearly. She said automatic mastecomies are basically old-school, and that I could probably do a lumpectomy. She also brought up the fertility issue, which the other doc didn;t even mention! I didn't even know fertility could be an issue!
I say see as many doctors as needed to find one that you trust and have a rapport with. There are even some agencies that will pay for a free second opinion. In Arizona it's the Arizona Institute of Breast Health, but I am sure there are more.
Best wishes!
bianca

PuppyFive · September 2006

Pumpkin, You and YOUR family, go with your mom, and demand that doctor, treat your mother with respect!! I will tell you something one of the wonderful sisters on the board told me, about a shitty dr.---You Work For ME, when i have a question, i expect you to answer, this is My Mother, and Her Family WILL be by her side thro ugh Her Journey, SO get used to it, She pays him / her good money, and deserves RESPECT!!! hope this helped, i just get sooooo mad at doctors anymore, i have had the same problems in the past, But now i tell them how It Is Going To Be. love you, sister and give your Mom a BIG CYBER HUG, FROM, debbyfive

jz20022001 · September 2006

Sometimes doctors are short on "people" skills. If you are not comfortable with this doctor, you need to ask for recommendations for another one.

You need to have a doctor who is "in your corner" and will be supportive. Sometimes personalities clash and this doctor seems rude and difficult from your description.

Catherine

Anonymous · September 2006

Anonymous · September 2006

csp · September 2006

Returning Thread to orginal title

Mom's first onc visit...second opinion?

Comments

Categories