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cathycteach
cathycteach Member Posts: 14
edited June 2014 in Just Diagnosed

So I know it is cancer...my doc looked at my ultrasound and pretty much said it is cancer. Still waiting on pathology results though but he scheduled my treatment plan meeting.  Anyway I have been pretty down. And my boyfriend says I am too depressing and said I need to stop being so down.  Thing is I just can't help it...I know I will need surgery...some radiation. ..maybe chemo...  And he says my being down brings other people down.   He was like you know you have a difficult road ahead...so you just deal with as it comes.  Basically he gave me attitude for being depressed right now.  I have earned the right to be depressed right now. ...feeling sad..let down...angry and betrayed....thoughts?

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  • geekyknitter
    geekyknitter Member Posts: 187
    edited February 2014

    Hugs!

    Very often men have issues when their partners are sick or hurting...and there's nothing they can do to "fix" it.  He's likely struggling to wrap his head around everything and not able to give you the support you need.  If it were me, I would point him toward the forum on here for spouses and caregivers as well as other information online for family members to help him start to understand a bit better and I'd also try to find other sources of support in the meantime, like friends and family I could vent to until he comes around.  If you're anything like me, you want the person you're closest to to be everything you need, but sometimes that's not realistic or too much to put on any one person.  Hopefully it will just take him a little more time to get his stuff together so that he can be there better to help you with yours.

    So sorry you're having to go through this!

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  • KSteve
    KSteve Member Posts: 486
    edited February 2014

    Cathy - I'd love the opportunity to educate your boyfriend on what being supportive means.  He has no room to judge your feelings as he doesn't know what it feels like to be diagnosed with cancer.  I will tell you that you're in the hardest part right now, in my opinion.  Once you find out the details and your treatment plan, you will begin to feel in control.  In the meantime, spend as little time with him as possible and allow yourself the chance to feel whatever you're feeling. It's part of the process.  Good luck to you!

    Hugs,

    Kathy

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  • StayingFocus
    StayingFocus Member Posts: 51
    edited February 2014

    Hi cathycteach,

    You received some great advice from geekyknitter and KSteve. This forum will be your lifeline by giving you support and valuable information. You have a right to be depressed at this point. You received shocking news and your boyfriend is not helping you at the moment. Once he fully digests your diagnosis, I hope that he will become more supportive. Also, contact the American Cancer Society (ACS) at 1-800-ACS-2345 or www.cancer.org. ACS has a Reach to Recovery program that provides support to anyone facing a breast cancer diagnosis with one-on-one contact with a volunteer either by telephone or face-to-face. I too wish you "Good Luck".

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  • juneping
    juneping Member Posts: 1,594
    edited February 2014

    cathy,

    i am so sorry about BC and your bf being ignorant about our situation. i don't think he's being a jerk but i do think he wants to help and he doesn't understand what is going through your head. i would say tomorrow is V-day, and you two should have a nice dinner together and you should ask him to listen and don't try to fix your feeling. just ask him to listen to your concerns, fears, sadness and frustrations. as unfortunate as this is, this could be a step to strength your r/s. 

    (((hugs)))

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  • ziggypop
    ziggypop Member Posts: 1,071
    edited February 2014

    Hi cathy, 

    I'm really sorry that you have been diagnosed. My docs told me right after the ultrasound as well - no waiting for the biopsy. Depression, anxiety, anger, grief, etc are all very normal emotions to have following a diagnosis of cancer. You might want to talk to your doctor - because these are normal emotions to have and docs are usually more than willing to prescribe anti-anxiety meds (mine did within minutes of giving me the diagnosis). I have no advice for how to deal with your boyfriend - it's often the case that family, friends, husbands, boyfriends, etc. do not know what to say or how to respond when someone they love is diagnosed. One of the more common things you hear is to have a 'positive attitude' which when I hear it makes me want throw something at the person's face. I guess I would ask him whether he thinks it's generally 'normal' to be 'happy' after hearing that you have cancer? 

    ((((hugs))))) - keep talking to the women here, at a minimum we understand what it's like. 

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  • Holeinone
    Holeinone Member Posts: 2,478
    edited February 2014

    Cathy, it's a long bumpy road, hopefully your diagnosis won't be too scary. No one really " gets" it if they aren't living it. We would be supportive if our friend was diagnosed with breast cancer, bring her soup & flowers. I would never had understood the difficultly of the whole picture if I had not just done it.  

    Let your boyfriend know that you have to put yourself first right now, the emotional part of this stink'in disease is harder than the physical aspects. 

    I hope they get your biopsy done quickly, and you get your appt. ASAP. If chemo is needed it is a rougher path, but we get through it. I have figured out recently ( a little slow...lol..) that it is a year from diagnosis before life becomes somewhat normal again. I am 7 months into it and done with the scary stuff, surgery, chemo & rads, but the emotional part will take much longer. 

    Posting on this forum has been so helpful to me. We can rant, whine, ask personal ?, & everyone gets it. 

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  • Egads007
    Egads007 Member Posts: 1,603
    edited February 2014

    First, I'm sorry about the bad news. I'm just a year out and still not near getting my head wrapped around what happened to me, but I remember being right where you are now.....like it was yesterday. Trust me, trust all of us here, it seems impossible but you WILL land on your feet. Cry, scream, blubber and mourn the news....especially when it's this fresh. You have every right.  It's not only a healthy release but absolutely necessary to get to the next stage where you dust off your pants and move forward with your chin up, determined to beat this son of a bit*& of a disease. Do NOT let this rule or completely take over your life. This of course will come a little later, right now just be gentle to yourself and go through the emotional rollercoaster as you see fit.

    As for your boyfriend, well, seeing how urgently you need support, love and positive energy right now, I would suggest the following to deal with him: Pretend for one moment that it was your best friend telling you she had just been diagnosed and her boyfriend was acting in this manner. What would you advise her? Apply your advice to yourself. If it's good enough for someone you love then it's exactly what you need to do right now. It might sound cold of me but I don't care what he's going through right now....he's not the one with cancer, and in my humble opinion, poor as it may be, he doesn't have a right to be anything but supportive and understanding. Nuff' said on that subject.

    Keep posting and venting here. The folks on this site are an absolute joy and support.....a support I couldn't have made it without. Hang in, hang on and never let go!!!

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  • cathycteach
    cathycteach Member Posts: 14
    edited February 2014

    Thank you so much ladies.   Deep down he is a good man with a huge heart.  We talked later and he said he was sorry.  He doesn't want my life right now to be so controlled by my cancert that I stop living my daily life.  He said it will be different later as different stages of my treatment start.  But to live as normal as possible.   And he admitted he doesn't have cancer so he doesn't know  ....but he knows I am scared.  But what I don't get is that the idea of a mastectomy (very real option in my case I have 4 stupid tumor In my breast) does not faze him at all.   Zero...and he is pretty fond of them as I.  But he said I can have recon if I want...but he thinks that my life is more important then my boobs.

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  • vbishop
    vbishop Member Posts: 616
    edited February 2014

    Cathy -

    Just a quick thought.  Is it possible your bf is scared half to death and this is how he is dealing with it ... or not dealing with it is probably more like it.  When I had thyroid cancer years ago, my hubby reacted very much the same way.  I felt very alone.  We eventually worked it out, but it all came down to different coping mechanisms. 

    So...when I was diagnosed with bc, I sat him down and told him we needed to tackle this as a united front.  What a huge difference.  We both learned from my previous cancer scare what not to do and vowed to do it better this time around.  And we did. 

    Good luck to you!

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