Saying goodbye

walkaway · August 2013

My mom was rushed to the hospital in the early morning on June 27. They quickly discovered she had blood clots in her lungs and was admitted. During her 5 day stay they discovered her breast cancer and that it had spread throughout her body including 12 mets in her brain. That explained the horrible headaches she had been suffering from for a couple of months. She chose to try treatment, the first was whole brain radiation -12 rounds. The treatments made her very ill and she was deteriorating more and more each day. After 8 treatments she made the decision to stop. I will never forget that morning when she said, "I just can't do it anymore. I hope you understand." That was Friday, July 19. I kissed her on the forehead and told her not only did I understand but that I was so proud of her and how courageous she was and that I would do everything in my power to help her.

My father, her husband of 52 years made the call to my brother and nephew who were out of state and I called Hospice. The Hospice people came by that afternoon to start the process and my brother and nephew arrived later that day. We all had time to sit with her and say our goodbyes. The next morning they started her on high doses of morphine. I sat by her side, administered her medication and held her hand. Although she was no longer lucid I continued to talk to her, thank her for never failing me and apologized for any pain I had ever caused her. I thanked her for all the wonderful things she taught me. I sang to her and told her it was okay for her to fly away. I kept reassuring her that I would be okay, that we would all be okay. My beautiful Mommy passed away on Sunday night, July 21, only three weeks from diagnosis to death. I am so grateful that my whole family was there - for her.

I am posting this for anyone walking this journey with a loved one. You can do it. You will find strength you never knew existed. Your love will be stronger and although I am in a great deal of pain, I know I am stronger.

I was recently speaking with a friend, telling her all about my experience and about how honored I was to be there for my Mom and how grateful I was that her suffering was short. My friend took my hand, and with tears in her eyes said, "That is so beautifully sad."

Rest in peace Momma Bear, until we meet again...

Love and light,

Susie

Moderators · August 2013

Very sweet and sad story Susie. We're so sorry you had to go through this; it must be terribly difficult for you and your family.

You have found a wealth of love and support here. Thank you for sharing your story and encouragement.

((((Big Hugs))))

The Mods

walkaway · August 2013

Thank you.

It was and is horrible, no doubt. My heart breaks with the thought of anyone having to watch someone they love actively die. But that is the unfortunate truth of this insidious cancer...It is scary and frustrating and at times you just want to scream out at the top of your lungs. We didn't have much time to process anything as it all happened so fast for us. But I wanted to share hope in the mire of my grief. This has brought my family closer, we are communicating, laughing, and loving more than we have in years. Sometimes it takes horrible things to bring about healing. I cannot speak for my Dad, my Brother or my Nephew, but it seems we are finding peace, holding onto each other in the weak moments and loving, simply loving each other.

I am not sleeping well and some days find it so difficult to just get out of bed. I find myself crying a lot, at the most inappropriate times - but I allow myself my tears and my anger and my...whatever emotion comes up. Which by the way change shift and change at any moment. I just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Not because I am super woman, but because I promised my Mom that I would. Her death was the last lesson that she will ever teach me; it was about strength and courage. To fall apart would dishonor her and I loved her too much to do that.

Peace

Emilylaughed · August 2013

This post just brought my to tears and yet gave me such a strong feeling of peace. My mom is fighting so much, but your mom's words remind me so much of my own mom's words through this fight. I'm not ready to say goodbye yet, but since the fight began, I have asked for nothing more than for my mom to be healthy and comfortable, until she couldn't be anymore. And then for her passing to be full of peace. I hope we are a great many years from that time. But your words and experience are beautiful, and I am sure that you brought her much strength as she transitioned.

I wish you light and life and warmth and comfort in knowing that your mom's spirit will never be far from you. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

missyoumom · August 2013

Thank you so much for sharing. I am so sorry for your loss but also inspired by your words. It was 2002 when I lost my mother to this disease and she too was unable to finish the radiation treatment to the brain and had widespread disease. She put up a bit of a fight and then went peacefully into that last goodnight and I feel blessed that I was beside her. my heart goes out to you and your family.

planetbananas · August 2013

The words you wrote are beautiful and brought tears to my eyes as well. Bless you for being there and helping your mother make the transition, you are a wonderful daughter

kalkeeb · August 2013

I am so sorry for your loss, my mom is now down to her final days and I dont know how I will possibly survive the devestation it will bring me, shes my best friend and we talked every single day multiple times. I pray I can get through this

walkaway · September 2013

Emilylaughed, missyoumom,planet bananas,
Thank you. This has been, by far, the most difficult thing I've ever been (still going) through. My relationship with my Mom was strained for many years and I find myself missing the things she did that made me crazy more than anything. Fortunately we were able to do much healing in the past 7 years and I am so very grateful for that. Some days are easier than others but the holes in my life and heart are gigantic. I am at the point that it seems people have completely moved on and the support has stopped. But the wound is still gushing. I never realized how much I loved her, truly. But (and it's a big but) I just keeping moving forward. Thank you again for your kind words.
Kalkbeeb, you are in my thoughts. I used to call her everyday on my short drive home from work. That drive now seems like it takes hours. Hold strong in the beautiful memories with her, I promise although they hurt, they will carry you through...much love.

Justme123abc · February 2014

I understand what you are going through. My mother has stage 4 b/c I found out in Dec. 2013 She is in palliative care and is now sedated until she passes on. \I am heart broken it just seems to have happened so fast and her end came so fast. I knew she was ill and would have difficulties with this disease but not so quickly and watching her deteriorate so fast and so painfully. My heart goes out to each person who has to suffer like this and the pain and suffering the families go through what a horrible murderous disease.

Justme123abc · February 2014

My mother just passed away on Friday with this horrible disease. She is free from the pain. Now the pain is ours to deal with her loss. The tears are flowing and my heart is aching. I pray for each person who has this that they make it through it is not a kind disease and for my mom the fight was too great she fought right to the end, but sadly cancer won.

edwards750 · February 2014

I am so sorry for all of you losing and about to lose your mothers. I lost mine 10 years ago this year but not from BC. I tell friends who still have their mothers to cherish them, visit them, talk to them - be with them as much as they can because you never know. My mother in law has Alzheimers and has for years so there is no communication on either end. My husband has never lost a sibling or family member. I have. Mother, father and two brothers and 2 best friends. There is no way to prepare for the pain. It is unlike anything we have ever experienced. My mother's birthday is Valentine's Day. She used to tell us don't think she was getting shortchanged on just birthday or just Valentine's gifts we had to give her both and we did. We are all grown but she bought each one of us a chocolate heart every Valentines Day. I agree that we all have strength and courage we didn't know we had. It will take every bit of that and more to get through the loss but it can be done. May they rest in peace. Diane

Justme123abc · February 2014

I am so sorry Hopeful999 I know what you are going through. It is not easy the tears just flow and they are hard to stop at times. Thanks to everyone who has given me encouragement and cyber hugs and kind words. I just keep telling myself to put one foot in front of the other each day. I do not want to stop moving forward as I know I have to move through this grief even when there is some days I feel like just curling up into a ball and dying myself the pain is so great, but I find doing what I have to do that day, crying when it hits me, starting to talk to others is what is helping me get through. It all seems so surreal sometimes especially when I go to pick up the phone and have to stop myself or think about the drive to the hospital and then come to terms with these are no more. I know my mother will always be in my heart and mind and as painful as it was at least we had some time together at the end our family was united and that made her happy she was glad we were all together I think this helped her and comforted her in the end.

Saying goodbye

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