Starting Chemo, November 2013 Group
Comments
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Ellen i hope this week has started off nice for you. Love the pic!
Kimie/Ban, I had the tingling in my fingertips after the last taxol. It went away this past weekend, and now that I had treatment, I feel,it coming on again. I also,have trouble with body temperature. I told my MO today that I had trouvé sleeping and he said that was very common for chemo patients. I wish I knew that before. Not that I would do anything different, but I would not think it was me.
Pat, the new wig looks great on you and I wish my hair was growing in! Just a little teeny tiny growth would make me feel,good. As far as lymphedema, I have heard that the docs minimize it and mine have. Ladies who I have spoken with who have had it have warned me to stay aware of it. I too, had to ask for,the script to,the PT. My RO said the likelihood,of getting lymphedema increases to 30% if you have radiation. I saw a PT and she gave me some exercises to do with elastic bands. I also,got a sleeve. She also,taught me how to,do a lymphatic massage to divert fluid away from the bad arm. Some ladies I know have been treating their lymphedema with a rebounder, which is a fancy name for mini trampoline. They say if they jump,for 5 minutes a day their swelling goes down. The rebounders they are using were like $200. I bought one at Aldi for $25. So if it works, great, if not no big loss.
Bec, thanks for,the link for the id bracelet. I have been meaning to get one. My MO also,does not want me to get my ovaries out. He feels I will be in menopause after chemo,anyway Also, he said I could go,to,the gym and work out. I don't know if I will though, I hesitate to be around too many people these days.
Melrose, thanks for,the link about the drug interactions. It seems lexapro doesn't inhibit the effects of tamoxifen, but it can make my heart beat irregularly. I love my lexapro so I will have to talk with MO about that.
BGC not too bad today. They cut my dose of benedryl so I would not get the restless leg. I am sure I will have the all over body pain for Wednesday and Thursday. I hope that is all I have this time. I am very tired; MO says I am anemic. I am glad I don't have to go out for the next few days.
I hope you all have a good week. Maybe we will hear from Paulette.
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inks what was your oncotype number?
I will find out how many more fills I need tomorrow; that will give rad dr an idea of when I can start. I am going ahead with it because I want to do everything I can to avoid going through this again.
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Lisa, Tonilee, Audra, Paulette, Virginia, Veronica, Amazon - How are you ladies doing?
Paulette, I hope your OK.....
Ellen - Great picture, you both look so happy!!
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(You can skip this update from me if you read the Cytoxan Taxotere discussion board!)
I haven't had the energy to post recently, but I read every day and think/pray for each of you daily. You all keep me grounded -- it's a blessing to know we can all express our deepest individual fears and always get back responses from the group that help us face them with courage, hope and (often) humor!
The good news from me is that I had my sixth and last CT infusion today! The last 3 weeks have been a little rough -- constant muscle aches head to toe, ankles swelling, breathlessness -- my 94-yr old mother calls it "...that do-less condition." But because I do read everyone's posts, I know how lucky I really am -- no nausea or infection or family upset. I figure the next 2-3 weeks will be unpleasant and even more "do-less," but I'm trying to stay focused on leaving the chemo waste land next month, and on to challenge of rads.
((Hugs)) and minimal side effects this week to all of you!
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(Again, skip this if you also read the Cytoxan Taxotere discussion board!)
A Funny Bald Story: So I'm driving home from my last chemo today, exhausted and a bit fearful over the immediate future; and then I get stopped by a hidden cop car for doing 15 over the 30 mpg speed limit! My first thought -- well, really my second thought -- was that I was well and truly screwed because a lab tech had told me 2 weeks ago that my driver's license had expired on my birthday in January! I confessed this immediately to the cop as I handed him all my paperwork; whipped off my hat to reveal my shiny bald head; and explained that I just hadn't felt good enough to renew it due to last chemo for BC today. In the end he just gave me a warning and a lovely story about his mother's successful fight against BC -- so there can be good even in baby-butt baldness, ladies!
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Lissy2304 - No oncotype test for me. I had 18 tumors ( the pathologist ran out of fingers and had to take her shoes off when she was counting them) so it would have been too expensive to test them all. But I have seen here too that women with smaller and less aggressive tumors than mine get radiation. A friend of mine with 1 micromet in sentinel node had it done and when they did a scan later they saw spots on her lung. They think it's from radiation but they are doing a wait and see. But I saw a study where they explained that with tissue expanders the radiation field takes a larger slice from your lung so I am going to ask the RO about that. My friend however had the TRAM flap and still possibly got her lung fried. So it's a crapshoot.
Bluegrass - that was nice of the officer. But you should add Leadfoot to your diagnosis line.
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I'm doing alright at the moment (thank you jab, for asking.) Still running a slight temp, but nothing to get excited about and it's actually gone down to normal once or twice. I'm definitely feeling better, though I still just want to sleep all the time (I guess at least some of y'all can relate to that part.)
Biggest challenge at the moment is eating. I just don't have much appetite, and there aren't many things that can get past my nose to make it into my mouth. Most of my favorite foods are off the "I'd eat that" list at the moment. Fortunately, for some reason, chicken pot pies and macaroni and cheese are still doable, and last night I managed to eat a fairly good sized helping of my husband's spaghetti. It didn't taste quite like spaghetti should, but it was edible, and my *stomach* was certainly happy to full again for a change. I felt warm and happy all over.
I'm supposed to have chemo on Thursday but we've got another "snow event" so I have the sneaking suspicion that it's going to wind up getting rescheduled til Monday. Blah. I hate snow. At least (knock on wood) I won't be sick as a dog and unable to make it to a doctor this time 'round.
Bluegrass - Congrats on the final chemo and LOL at the cop story. Even if the next few weeks are rough, just remember, you are climbing back up the mountain.
Still praying for Paulette....
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smrlvr- I feel the same EXACT! My husband took time off from work in December the whole month and some 3 weeks in January and when he went back to work the whole weekend after I was weepy and told him he had 'abandoned me'...I have become very dependent too..but I am finding the more I go out on my own the better I feel about him working...and I feel sad for him as he has had to cook, laundry,etc this whole time when he has never done it...shrinking clothes, and having me complain that the food is bad too! He is such an angel and I think it's soooo hard on them too...
You probably found out why he didn't tell you by now but I am only on page 86 and haven't read ahead to catch up..
Just wanted you to know I have that SAME feeling and dependency and that was NEVER me! It is getting better though, so there is HOPE!
Ellen- I am sending hugs too, that is harder and worse than this! You have knowledge of things I cannot even comprehend...
Lisa- I took the Claritin a good 5 days after just to be sure...and it worked!
Pat- LOVE the wig!
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jab-
I just got caught up reading...had a great weekend and busy and didn't even go on this site once.
Now today got anxious and worried out of no where and have been catching up trying to feel better or understood I guess.
I seem to be having mood swings... I see I posted before dinner and my husband was an 'angel' I believe I wrote, well after dinner not so much...I was anxious and upset again about BC! Just the thing I am trying to get over with and forget about...anyhow we went out to dinner and we were talking about our 15 yr old, she is supposed to go to El Salvador on a mission trip with her school. I signed her up and have been paying for it and doing all paperwork, etc. during the throes of chemo...well 2 days ago I finally looked online about the safety there...NOT GOOD. We have two friends one an EX secret service person, and one an ex DEA person who is now a sheriff...I asked them about it and they gave me a website to look at countries and recommendations on safety...it looks bad...so I was convinced she shouldn't go...but all during dinner, my husband was arguing for her to go and he would go if he could and the sites don't know safety etc...so now I am still (at home now) very worked up about it as on the way home he basically said, 'ok I agree with you' just to be 'done' talking about it...and now we are in separate rooms and my anxiety is over the top...
Did I mention I have NOT used Ativan in 3 nights/days..and was doing great...now I feel like a coke addict and want to take it...but hate to ruin my streak of 'NEEDING' it...
Anyhow I'm wondering if the chemopause is lifting and I am getting PMS? OR does the chemopause cause angry/ upset feeling?!!!
Not like I never had them before, but I seem to get 'ultra' upset now..and I soooo do NOT want my period back or to have my ovaries working in any way producing estrogen..
One of those BAD days I guess...hoping it will get better..
The PT / lymphedema thing is HUGE and I'm glad we all seem to be asking for it or getting it somehow... I have went twice and my back/boob numbness and swelling are WAY better already! It is amazing as it seems she barely touches me...not a massage for sure..but it works! She says my areas were congested from surgery and just needed guided where to drain? She's also working on my breathing from my chest as I seem to from my stomach now...she says that's common after pain with breast surgery? So practicing breathing also...I enjoy going to see her and having such obvious results...it's a plus..
What is up with Paulette????? Praying she is OK
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I want to say a big thanks for all the messages of support. They really are good therapy! I also got some "Facebook therapy" with about 40 "likes" and comments. And a couple of friends who have been very supportive but less in touch recently have gotten back in touch. So good to know that I have that much community. I am keeping busy with work and such, which is the best way to get through this week.
I'll pass on some wisdom that was shared with me many years ago: When someone you know loses a dear one, mark your calendar at 4 months out, 6 months out etc. to send a card or call or visit. There are lots of people around when someone is terminally ill, and through the memorial service in the early days and weeks. But the real grief and loneliness set in down the road, after people retreat -- and that's when the grieving person really appreciates support.
On a much lighter note, a couple of things that make me chuckle:
-- Anyone else finding that they really notice everyone's hair and eyebrows? I found myself the other day watching the movie Red. Can't tell you much about the plot -- but I sure can tell you that Bruce Willis was bald, that when Morgan Freeman tipped his head I could see his scalp through his hair, and that John Malkovich had male pattern baldness.
-- 8 years ago, once when I reached the no-bra phase of radiation, I was driving and the road vibrations were jiggling the breast enough to be painful. So I ended up driving (55 mph!) with one hand and holding the breast with the other. Really wondered how that looked to people in other cars. Now, I've been taking my hat off when I get too hot in the car -- wonder if anyone in cars nearby have notices. But just think: maybe in a couple of weeks I can do BOTH of those! Just hope nobody drives off the road when they see me!
Other than that, I had my 7th rad today out of 21 -- a third of the way there! Not even pink yet. Most days I feel fine physically, just a bit tired at the end of the day. Other days like today (exacerbated by cold and dampness) are pretty achy. I just never know what a day will be like.
Ellen
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Ellen, I am glad you are reconnecting with old friends, and your suggestion is a good one.
Lisa, sorry to hear you still are not feeling well, and that you are getting snow again. It stopped being charming a long time ago.
Audra, I have heard there are mood swings associated with menopause, so if chemo puts us in menopause it would make sense that we get them. Just like hot flashes. This past year (before DX) I had been very ultra sensitive and I think it was hormonal. I don't really have mood swings any more because of the lexapro. It takes the edge off, but doesn't mask emotions so I still get sad and weepy which are genuine emotions. I have also heard it takes our bodies a year to heal physically and psychologically after BC treatment, and you may still be affected by this experience. My husband does not like to see me cry; men definitely can't deal,with it. Sometimes we need to let things out and they don't get it. Will your daughters trip be supervised? What do the adults in charge say about safety? If you ask them some questions about your concerns you may feel better. I am still taking Ativan to sleep.
Tonight my taxol,SEs are setting in. A little nausea, body aches and I am soooo cold. Hunkering down under blankets.
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My new look for work.
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Audra, if you were an "addict" you wouldn't have gone 3 days/nights without needing the Ativan. If you need it when you're having mood swings and anxiety problems, that's what it's FOR. There would be no reason for it, otherwise. Think about it rationally. It's when you feel FINE but take a drug like that to feel even BETTER that you need to stop and think.
To put it another way, if you were all proud of yourself because you hadn't had a headache or taken tylenol for 3 days but tonight you had a headache and needed a tylenol, you wouldn't be all worried about being addicted to tylenol now, would you?
My doc's nurse practitioner, who is herself a breast cancer survivor, has assured me that the mood swings, weepiness, etc., is just all a part of what we go through, and she's been there herself. The way she put it to me is that sometimes we can take an ativan and feel better and other times, we simply need to cry, and we should do whatever gets us through to the other side and NOT stress out about those thing in the meantime. Sounded like wise words to me.
I am mildly annoyed that the snow will most likely postpone my chemo from Thursday to Monday but at the same time, tonight I actually feel pretty GOOD, for the first time since days before my LAST chemo treatment. So in a way, I kind of hope it does get postponed. It would do my psyche a whole lot of good to have a few days of feeling decent--assuming I still feel this good in the morning, that is. :P
wallymama I LOVE your look! I wish I knew you in "real life." I think we'd be great friends.
ellen - Good advice about people who have lost loved ones. Also the image of you riding down the road with no hat and clinging to a boob made me giggle. I think you should do it, and if you meet anyone on the road you should purposely fixate a crazed look on your face....give 'em something to think about! Bahahaha!
One of my Facebook friends posted this tonight and I read it and re-read it, and the more I re-read it, the better I felt, so I'm gonna share it with you all. Maybe someone else needs to read it as much as I did.
"Keep busy with survival. Imitate the trees. Learn to lose in order to
recover, and remember nothing stays the same for long, not even pain.
Sit it out. Let it all pass. Let it go."
--May Sarton -
wally: i like the picture..
regarding your question as to why should begin chemo on time..it has something to do with the circulating cells.
post surgery some cells from the tumor apparently get scattered and move out into the blood stream and if given time, they develop more n more strength. hence chemo should not be delayed. do ask this when you meet your MO next and do let me know what he says.
bluegrass: that was so nice of him
and also at the same time he shared a survivor story with you. will begin my radiation post my last taxol. any advice for rads?
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Hi ladies,
Pat, I like your new wig, and Wallymama, your work look is fabulous!
Audra, I agree with Lisa -- do what it takes to get a good night's rest. Nothing works right the next day if you don't. I take my mirtazapine every night, even though I sort of think I might not need it anymore, but I'm too afraid to try without it.
BanR, I have my simulation this Thursday and start radiation sometime around Feb. 27.
Lisa, thanks for sharing that passage. I keep a folder of quotes and passages in my Google Drive, and that one definitely was worth keeping there. (BTW, I've even kept one of your fab passages -- the one about cancer being like walking down a dark, scary street -- love your insights!)
Ellen, thanks for the good advice. I hope you're doing okay this week. Yes, I'm noticing eyebrows A LOT! I even saw a pic of myself from 19 years ago before I had started plucking mine, and I looked like Brooke Shields x 100! Those were the days....
Bluegrass, yea for no ticket!
Smrlvr, how are you doing as the week goes on?
My last Taxol was a week ago, but I STILL have no energy and am achy. When things lasted this long before, I blamed it all on Neulasta, but maybe I shouldn't have since I didn't get any this time. My mom says the let-down from chemo being over might be a factor. Maybe. It just better go away by the end of next week because I'm going to DD's parent weekend come hell or high water. DH is worried about dorm germs. I won't have any lab work to tell me how I really am, which may be a good thing. Ignorance can be bliss!
Question for the group: What are you doing, if anything, for Valentine's Day?
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I'm having my last chemo on Valentine's Day and then going out for tapas with my sister. I'm ready to be done but first we have to get through the 12+ of snow we are expecting tonight and tomorrow...
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Wally - you look beautiful!
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Bec to answer your group question. My husband and I don't do anything for Valentines Day. I don't really believe people should need a particular day to express yourself to your loved ones. Beside we will go out to a nice dinner for my birthday 2 days after Valentines day, Sunday the 16th.
I've been doing well. This week in particular I've been tired and going to bed @ 8PM and sleeping the night.
Hopefully tomorrow I'll have Taxol #7, weather permitting. Suppose to get 4-8 inches of snow.
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Awww Bec, you make me blush. I type at about the same speed as I think -- typing might be faster these days lol-- so I never know what I'm going to come up with.
My plan for Valentine's Day WAS to get a neulasta shot lol, but all that's been rescheduled to Monday/Tuesday due to our crazy weather. So now I don't imagine we'll do much other than say "happy v-day" to each other and maybe snuggle a little more than usual.
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I just sat down to watch the 5 o'clock news, and the lead story was about the latest mammogram study. They interviewed the UC Davis Chief of Breast Imaging. She was the doctor that first said the words "highly suspicious" and "I'm concerned" to me. Then they interviewed the nurse who was kind enough to explain my MRI report to me that I had received by accident so it had no medical interpretation with it. On the one hand, that all seems a lifetime ago. On the other hand, it's still so raw I think I could throw up.
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Bec, my stomach flipped just reading your post about UC Davis. I understand completely how,you feel. It's like Going back to,the beginning of this nightmare odyssey. Can you please share with us your rad simulation experience after you go?
Lisa, I have also,read your friend's quote several times. It is helpful.
My eyebrows are starting to thin, and I do find myself looking at other peoples eyebrows, just like I used to look at breasts after my mx. I just want my hair and brows back.
BigT, happy birthday,
So we are bracing for another snow storm here and we are supposed to get a foot. That is whatnot will wake to with on valentines day. I am not big on it either, but it is a,good excuse to,not have to cook. We didn't really celebrate our anniversary as I had chemo that day, so we are going out to eat on Saturday, not Friday because DH wants to ski in the new snow!
That is fine with me. I have been in bed all day. This 3rd taxol kicked me in the butt last night with the chills and severe body aches. Then I couldn't sleep all night because of the hot/cold; my body couldn't decide. Today I actually felt nauseous, nothing tasted good,to me. I am tired, and MO says it's because I am anemic. So hopefully I will be better by Saturday and can enjoy my dinner.
Hoping every one is feeling well and staying warm.
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I understand about it being raw. I'll share this, and y'all will know how completely nuts I really am.
There are two bathrooms in our house, a tiny bathroom with a deep bathtub, and another bathroom that is way bigger than it needs to be, but has a shower.
This house was built in 1946 and is a "fixer upper" in a big way, and when we first moved in here, the big bathroom had this awful blue 1970's style SHAG carpeting. Yep, shag carpeting in a bathroom. It was awful, but we didn't put swapping it out high on the priority list, but rather covered it with a bunch of throw rugs. One reason for this is that two of its walls are exterior walls, and a third butts up against the garage, which is doorless, so my husband said that without carpeting it would be a REALLY cold bathroom.
The autumn before I found my lump, our terrier discovered a mouse in that bathroom and killed it. She then became convinced that where there was one there were others, and began relentlessly tearing up the carpet in the bathroom. We discovered that there was tile beneath the carpet... ugly black tile with colorful little confetti markings, but there was nothing else for it. We ripped out the carpet and left the tile because the bathroom was still lower on the priority list for fixing up.
As it turns out, by the way, my husband was absolutely right: Without that carpet, the bathroom floor is icy cold and the room itself isn't much better. Also it needs new lighting fixtures so it's dimmer in there than a bathroom should be.
The following January--just over a year ago--I was taking a shower in that bathroom when I found my lump.
Many months later, in October, after we'd confirmed that it wasn't "just dense breast tissue" as I was told in March, and I'd gone through my BMX, I had many meltdowns in that bathroom as my husband unbandaged my drain sites and showered me. The man is a saint, because I literally would just stand in that shower and sob like a baby while he washed me tenderly and told me everything was going to be okay.
Now, I HATE going into that bathroom, even to fetch a roll of toilet paper for my own bathroom, and I avoid the room as much as possible. And every time I take a shower I come out of there shaking all over and, no kidding, have to go and lie down for a few minutes to settle myself down. I don't sob anymore; the reaction is purely physical, but it's a definite weird reaction.
We're trying to decide right now whether we want to continue our fixing-up of the house with an eye toward selling it, or toward living here forever (in which case we'll do whatever weird things we want to it,) and I told my husband the other night that if we're going to keep it I want carpet back in that bathroom. Nice thick light colored berber carpet. And some nice new VERY bright light fixtures.
See? No matter how crazy you thought you were, I've now proved I'm worse. I have a phobia about my own bathroom. And I think I'm gonna just start taking nice soaking baths in my own tiny little comforting bathroom. :P
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wallymama Love the look! You should wear different headwear each week J
smrlvr-
How are you feeling? I never lost my
eyebrows, but they got thin. Luckily my eyebrows were bushy like squirrel. Of
course before chemo I didn’t pluck them or wax them. I hope some of yours stay. I was dreading the eyebrow issue. Now
eyelashes are different, but I have such thick glasses no one notices.inks-
You are so honest with you no oncotpye for you.
What do you do to relax?lisa137-
Have you thought about a skylight in the bathroom. Thank you for sharing your bathroom
experience. I’m glad I’m not the only
who breaks down in the shower while the hubby is attending to the wounds or as
he tells me battle scars.QuirkyGirl-
Last chemo on VD day! That is good way
to celebrate. I hope all goes well.Bec65 How is your energy level? I’m 3 weeks out from last TC chemo and I’m
still exhausted.ellenkc
You are so right with the card 4, 6, 8 months, etc out is good.My hubby and I don’t do VD day. But
this year I told him I wanted flowers, because life is too short to not
celebrate each week or twice a month without fresh flowers in the house. I’m
not a girly, girly, but that has been the one thing that has gotten me through
the down days.I have a question for all of you. After 3 weeks post last chemo. I’m still
getting 2-3 hours of sleep at a time and then up for 2 hours. Now that I’m back at work this month 10 hrs a
day my body is just exhausted. What do you
guys do for the sleep? When I wake up I’m having night sweets and I feel very nauseous. Will this ever end? -
Sorry I can't seems to post! I end up having to stay one night at the hospital. I would recommend if some one is taking Tylenlol 3 to talks something for constipation cuz I sure paid for it. Keep track of something of your bowels. This is very important. I'm sore close to my rectam area so I'm taking meds for also some thing for sores in my mouth.zzzz ok sorry I can't post anymore. Just about fallen asleep.
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bEC65- AND Lisa- I feel the same...I would NEVER go back to the radiologist that told me 'this looks very bad' and then 'you have a cancerous tumor and you will need a lumpectomy and radiation' - this was the RADIOLOGIST!!!! I then saw a BS a week later after being in shock those many days -and she freaked out that the radiologist had told me that! She said we won't know til biopsy which she did and then more waiting and then yes , the biotch radiologist was right! aWWWWW!!! It was awful!
I also am wanting to move from this 'cancer house' it reminds me of it all - not sure if we will move or if I need to just get over it...
I didn't mention that the radiologist date was my middle daughters birthday and we were all meeting her for family dinner so I didn't say anything the whole night and felt just so out of it and in shock and despair..it was AWFUL!
I HATE that we have to deal with this...it is so upsetting/annoying/maddening/challenging.
I HATE the fact that it will stay with us forever
I HATE the fact that we need to learn to deal with having this
I HATE there are no guarantees or saying you are cured and will never have this again!
I am just so sick of it in my head! I want peace!
Going for my 4 week visit today at MO- I think getting Tamoxifen and hoping for some hopeful/concrete/ good things from DR so I can get on with my life and quit the anxiety/worry fest...I just need some little tidbits to latch on to and then I can replay those in my head instead..:)
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After a week I am able to post again... I had my 4th out of total 6 infusions last Tuesday, so I'm 2/3 done!!! Yay!!!
Prior to my chemo I was fighting this extreme fatigue, hence couldn't post, when I was literally dragging myself through the days with no energy and burning, watery eyes as a constant reminder that I wanted to sleep. However, even if I did sleep, I woke up tired the same way. Well, since I started steroids, that feeling disappeared and was replaced by feeling of being on the edge or having too much caffeine in the system.
So far, the SE have been mild with some definite changes to my taste buds. Food tastes bland, water scummy and everything has a soapy aftertaste. I have also noticed that I am retaining a lot more water in my body. It is quite evident in my face and my abdomen. Got up this morning, and feeling that my cheeks are a bit flushed. I don't know when the bone/ joint pain usually strikes with Taxotere, but getting myself mentally ready for it.
Last Tuesday, when I saw my MO, prior to my chemo, I got ticked of by her remark that next time she needs to book me for a different day to have my appointment with her and have chemo on another day. When I said to her that I find this current arrangement quite convenient, she responded that ' But you always ask so many questions and you need to get to your chemo soon.' OK, I understand that logic, but she also sounded a bit irritated when she said that. I do admit that I come to the appointments with my questions written down, and try to go through them methodically. Maybe, other people don't do that, but that's my way to stay organized and in a bit of control. I was asking her, for instance, whether or not do they do a mid- treatment biopsy to see how effective the chemo really is. She replied that they don't do that with adjuvant therapy only with a neo- adjuvant. She asked me what do I think needs to be biopsied, since I had UMX. I said that my lymph nodes. She said that only time will show, if the treatment was successful or not. Not very reassuring. That remark sent me into the dark zone for a while with more doubts about the future.
BTW: A big THANK you to those who were asking how I was while not posting. I really appreciate your concern.
Later, will try to read through the posts and respond to them as much as possible.
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Amazon, it is good to hear from you again. It is disheartening that doctors can't give any guarantees. "Only time will tell, " would make me crazy. Your doctors attitude would also make me crazy. I have been really fatigued, too. My MO said it's because of the anemia. Low red blood cell count which he says is normal.
Fairygogmother, I am having the same sleep issues. My MO told me at my appointment in Monday that this is normal. You are only 3 weeks post chemo and your body is still adjusting. The fact that you are working is probably making you more tired. I am worried the same will happen to me when I am back at work. Even if you can't sleep try to rest.
Audra, I have the same HATE list as you. I don't see how I am ever going to make peace with this. If your doctor has any good advice, please let us know, but maybe I need some therapy. There nay be some good books to read about post cancer. I am going to look because I need a lot of help.
Lisa, I hear you about avoiding the memories. There is a support group that meets in the waiting room of the facility where I had my biopsy. I cannot go there because it reminds me of the day of my biopsy. Also, work. I was working all the days between my mammo, biopsy and getting "the news." All that time I was preparing to be absent, and hoping I wouldn't be. I was getting work ready for my sub and was having stomach pains and anxiety 24/7; trying to act normal for my students, doing parent night, etc. I finally left 2 days before my BMX because I could no longer act normal when I was petrified and wanted to cry all the time. I haven't been at work since, although I have visited with some co workers. It is going to be weird going back to that same classroom where I had all those feelings. I know they will resurface and I will think about the what ifs. I am also thinking about moving, although DH really doesn't want to. I just want to find peace and would love a small farmhouse away from the suburbs where it is quiet. DH says he doesn't want a house with a lot of work. I understand that, but a few projects may be what I need to keep my mind off everything.
Wally, I have been meaning to tell you how much I love your hat!
Phebe, sorry to hear you have been in the hospital. Those constipation issues are tough. I always keep prunes and probiotic yogurt on hand.
Snowing like crazy outside. I am staying in again today.
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Smrlvr, if you would like a project you are welcome to come help me strip and repaint my kitchen cabinets. :P
I feel pretty lucky that my oncologist lets me e-mail him my questions as they come to me, and he either answers in e-mail or says "print this out and bring it to the next visit and we'll discuss it" if it's not a cut and dried kind of thing. Funny, he always says "ok to e-mail, just give me time to answer," like I'm gonna get impatient or something, but it never takes him more than 24 hours to answer anyway. Awesome guy. But I do realize that I probably get a little bit of "special treatment" because he's treated so many people in my family and he knew us and liked us before I ever became a patient of his. He probably doesn't give out his e-mail address to every patient. Then again....he might. He's the type that might.
Amazon, good to see you back.
Funny, I don't seem to have any problems sleeping anymore. I did for my first round or two of AC, but then I got into a pattern of sleeping 6 or 7 hours at night, and two and sometimes three naps during the day, and I can really fall asleep almost any time if I lay down and get still for a little bit. Maybe it's the klonopin? "Sleepy" doesn't feel like it used to before chemo; I've learned to identify a certain "drawn" feeling, a certain feeling that's sort of like depression and yet not, as being my body wanting a nap, and I listen. I always wake up feeling better, even if I only (thanks to phone and/or dogs) sleep 30 or 45 minutes.
Today I feel almost peppy, except that I'm hungry and can't think of ANYTHING I actually want to eat.
We probably all need therapy, really, considering what we are going through, but you know, life is really just a series of moments anyway, and we never really know how many of those moments we are going to have. I try to remind myself of this when I start to get too "down" and that so long as THIS moment is pretty good, all the others will just have to take care of themselves. No sense ruining THIS moment worrying about a moment that may or may not ever happen the way I'm worrying about.
The fact that I feel pretty good today physically tells me that once I'm past all the chemo and radiation aggravations and feel pretty good physically more often, I'll usually feel much better mentally too. I think the WORST times are when I feel....not good but not awful. Not so awful that my mind is concentrated on whatever side effect is driving me crazy, but not so good that I feel like focusing my mind on work or the future or the sad sad state of my housekeeping (lol.) Then, I feel good enough to sit around and think dark thoughts, but not good enough to do things to pull myself out of them. I take a lot of my naps at those times (it helps,) and force myself to remember that chemopause is part of the reason for my dark moods, as well, and sometimes I just go ahead and cry a little...or a lot, and try to remember that "this, too, shall pass."
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Hi Ladies
(thanks Jab for asking for me!!)Wally - I LOVE your picture!!!! While I am fairly comfortable being bald, I do not think I would have the same gumption as you to go to work bald!! I really admire you!!
I was 'supposed' to go back to work today, but I am having a horrible time getting the release letter from my danged drs office. So annoying.
I can't comment on sleep as I am a chronic insomniac. And lately I have been dreaming about Lego Star Wars video game - guess that means I am playing it too much during the day hahaa
We got over a foot of snow - there is a "lull" now and it's a bit sleety - but we are supposed to get another 6 inches after 10 pm tonight
UGHI am GRATEFUL for a kick ass snow thrower.
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Hey Ladies,
Day 15 of first Taxotere, and I am finally able to taste a bit. The swelling and pain are getting better and I had a decent sleep last night. (No drugs required) Amazon- I hope you don’t get the bone pain, but I thought I'd let you know when it lets up for me, just in case. The taxotere has hit me harder than FEC. I am not looking forward to Infusion #5 next week. I am still really tired but as is to be expected, says my MO.
Bec - Regarding V-day, my DH is away, so it will be my pup and I snuggling on the couch. With my pup standing in for my husband, I bought him a new collar - he is looking rather handsome in it! Years ago, when my DH and I were dating, we forgot about V-day until the next day, so it is a joke in our house that "Our" V-day is the 15th, which is when we go out to dinner.
Lisa - Great quote! Today is cold and snowing here and it is supposed to continue for a few days. The weather (and your quote...) reminds me that this is the worst of the worst time of year for weather which means it can ONLY get better. It is how I feel about the chemo too.Things WILL/MUST get better. It is just a matter of time.
With respect to memories, when I found out I had cancer, we were about two weeks from vacationing with both my parents and friends. We didn't want to cancel or disappoint anyone so we didn’t tell anyone I had cancer until after the vacation (we kept it from everyone for three weeks...). Somewhere between 'faking' having fun, and the sheer emotional exhaustion of not telling anyone I had cancer, it was the worst vacation. We go to this cottage every year as a celebration of our anniversary (we also got married there) but now it is tainted so sadly I am not sure what we will do next year or if we will ever return.
Audra/All - Audra's post reminded me that a couple of days ago, I was pretty angry. I am usually an upbeat person so I was wonder if others have these 'kind' of days. My anger seemed to be founded in frustration with others lack of empathy. It seemed where ever I went some idiot was shutting doors on older people, cutting people off in parking lots, not letting older people cross streets, etc...You get the picture. Anyway, anyone else have these kinds of days?
Wally - Great look! It is so great you can have fun with the old bald noggin. I have yet to 'own' my baldness in public.
Ellen - I had to laugh at your post. I am OBSESSED with eyebrows. Yesterday, at a last vain attempt to look a bit better, I had my 10 remaining hairs on my eyebrows tinted so it looks like I have more. The poor esthetician. She knew it was a waste of time, but cheerfully told me I looked sooo much better and then gave me a bunch of chocolate truffles (at this salon, they give you a truffle post appointment...I got 5).
BigT - Happy BDay!
Pat - I totally agree with you regarding studies. We all have to find our own balance of how information can most positively be used to support our futures. It is really easy to read something and get in a tailspin of negative thoughts, which, for me, doesn’t help with the good living I want to do. That is not to say I don't read studies, because I do. I am careful when I do and I make sure I have time to talk about them with my DH in case I need to 'download' the significance of them.
Last week I had a CAT scan. I was really tired and my MO wanted to check for clots. Anyway, at the time I got the 'ALL CLEAR' for clots, but the full report was not ready, so on Tuesday I asked to get a copy of it. The nurse I asked, made a copy and then proceeded to talk with another MO for 15 min. She then came back and said I couldnt have the report until my MO signed off on it, nor could she tell me what was in it. Suffice to say, now I am wondering what is in the report....I see my MO tomorrow so I'll find out, but really, why does this sort of thing need to happen? It just adds stress to an already stressful time.
I hope all have a warm night and a good snuggle with your Valentine! Sorry for the long post...
JAB
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