1 Year since MX - don't know what to do with myself

I passed my one year day in December.  I remember feeling the same way as you - conflicted.  On one hand, I was happy I had now survived one year cancer free.  On the other hand, I mourned my life that would never be the same.  I mourned the blur of the last twelve months, my body that would never look the same, the pain I now experience every day, the loss of my nipples and my libido that I am positive they removed during the surgery as well.  Sigh.  Be good to yourself today.  Cry if you need to.  Throw things if it helps.  But remember to congratulate yourself on being strong in the face of unspeakable things.  They don't call us survivors for nothing!  Hugs.

Cyber toast and glass clink coming your way.  May you have peaceful dreams tonight and a better day tomorrow!  

you are entitled to feel sad but i also think you should celebrate....do both

drink a glass of wine or have a bubble bath or some chocolate. i learn to enjoy the little joy life has to offer. the negative thoughts do come in and out...but it's a choice we make. (((hugs)))

Jayaytea - Welcome to year 2! I love to put as much distance between It and me! On Feb 21 I will definitely be welcoming year three. It is a New Year's Eve of sorts! Cheers! Clink Clink

My one year dx anniversary is on Feb 7 and my bmx anniversary is on 2/21 so I can't say just yet how I feel about it all, except to say this past year simply flew by. I cannot believe I had 5 surgeries and 5 chemo treatments in 2013 and feel completely recovered. Other than monthly xgeva shots and quarterly PET/CT scans, it's hard to remember weekly and sometimes daily trips to the various doctors last year. I am grateful to live in a time with lots of options and hope I don't have to use them.

Congrats on getting through what most likely will be the worst year of your life J.

Amy

Peggy j - I love the idea of buying yourself flowers - I buy myself flowering plants when I want to treat myself to just a little something. (they are making cancer dammit dolls now - great for smacking against things). 

Jayaytea - It's interesting what you said about having a complete physical to 'treat the rest of me'. It made me think about the fact that when we are in the midst of diagnosis, waiting, testing, treatment, telling people, the emotional roller coaster, etc. - What we are dealing with is 'cancer' - that's it. Everything else gets boiled down to what we have to do - and even if we get 'away' from dealing with the cancer for a brief period of time, it's always there waiting for us. 

It makes sense that when that time that is so intently focused on the cancer, we need to step back and allow ourselves time to focus on the rest of us - our sensual selves, our emotional selves, our mental selves. Maybe that sounds new age-ish, but what I really mean is that we just haven't had the chance to do the normal things we do to care for ourselves for a long time and all of that - our sensuality, our emotions, our mentality - it's ALL been put through the wringer. We've had docs who treated the physical part - but the rest of it, we have to figure that out & I think we have to 'allow' ourselves to do it. We have to allow ourselves the okay to grieve, the okay to spend some extra cash on a spa treatment, or/and a vacation to somewhere warm, we have to allow ourselves to know that each part of our selves needs to heal - needs recovery time, needs some extra attention. All of that is okay & it's also okay to celebrate any time we can that we are not in the cancer trauma portion and we can take the time to do these things. In this sense even 'mourning' the loss of your breasts is a celebration of sorts because you can't get past the need to mourn until you do the mourning. I am (and I am doing this right now) raising my glass of wine to you - in a toast to your courage in facing your worst thoughts and moving forward to treat the rest of yourself wonderfully and with care - last year was dealing with the cancer - let this year be one of healing for all parts of you. 

Jayaytea,  Congratulations for being one day past your one year anniversary!!  I agree that we all process things differently, and must deal with that as such.  Hopefully, going forward, it should get easier, but it can never be forgotten.  A time for contemplation, gratefulness, or whatever you need to do for you to commemorate.  I usually feel quite somber, but drink champagne on my anniversary.  I've got one more to go before reaching the historic 5 year mark.  Best wishes to you!!