what do men think?
Hi, I'm 52 and when I had a mastectomy ( 49 ), I didn't have reconstruction, so I'm missing my left breast. I never thought a lot about breasts and them being important to men, sorry, just didn't. I got bc after my divorce. When I finally was all recovered, I started trying to date again. My main concern in telling any guy I dated, was if it would bother them, that I had a risk of the cancer coming back. I never would tell them anything, unless things started getting more serious and it looked like a relationship could be starting.
Now, I'm discovering that guys seem more concerned with the loss. I guess they feel they're missing out, on me not having all the female parts. My remaining breast is small, so I practically feel like my chest is flat. I'm trying to get into men's heads. I can understand, sort of. I'm attracted to men, for their masculine features, so they are attracted to women for feminine features.
When you have a mate, it isn't just being friends, I understand that. I can be friends with other women. A male/female relationship is a lot about sexuality/physical intimacy/yin and yang, etc... I'm just wondering how important breasts are to men now. This is making me nervous. All I use to worry about was the cancer and now this. I just met someone, they seem really nice. I don't know what will happen.
Before this guy, I dated someone else who looked pretty disappointed when I told him. I just said if it's that important to a guy, then they can pay for me to have my breasts done.
Jen
Comments
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i'm sorry your experience has been with men who seem to think it is important to have both breasts. I hope you can meet someone who doesn't think that way. I don't think it's fair to think that all men are the same. Many women here have very compassionate men in their lives and hopefully you will come across one of those men. I also hope you will base your decision about acquiring breasts on your own wants and needs. All the best to you.
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I agree with Wrenn. I guess it's different for me because I'm married and so the relationship was well-established before breast cancer became an issue, but my husband was actually very much against me having reconstruction. He just considers it a lot of unnecessary surgery and risk and pain for something that's just cosmetic anyway. As he put it, "You can just go shopping and buy some boobs, so why go through all that?"
I guess in a way I can understand it from a man's point of view; back before I met my husband I might see a guy and think he was good-looking but if I saw him with his shirt off and he had a hairy back, I was instantly turned off for some reason. Very superficial. But at the same time, if I'd met my husband and begun to care about him and THEN found out his back was hairy, I do believe I could have overlooked--or even grown to love--that mere cosmetic trait.
When you meet the right guy it won't be an issue. As long as it is an issue, it's not the right guy yet.
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I too have been pondering on this.....I finished my 3 year relationship about a month ago. It stopped feeling right for a number of reasons, but interestingly having one breast was not one of them (to him, that is.)
I am 52 now and cannot imagine dating in the way I did before. I feel a huge loss of confidence, I also feel so so much older than before bc (dx 2012).
I feel if I do date again, I my approach will be changed, I don't feel I can be 'fun' or 'flirtatious', and just when do you tell them that there is a piece of silicone stuffed into your bra??I think a lot of men would run for the hills! I do think breasts are a huge part of women's sexuality, certainly for men.......
As if dating isn't hard enough..
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Hi Jen,
I had a bilateral mastectomy, no reconstruction, at age 57. I'd been married for over thirty years and my husband actually hoped I would choose NOT to have reconstruction. He said he'd support me whatever I decided, and though I did see a plastic surgeon to explore my options, I chose not to reconstruct. Even though I like to think I made that decision for ME, I do feel that if my DH had really wanted me to have reconstruction, that would have made my choice harder. The truth is that I do care what he thinks and I want him to be attracted to me. The good news is that he still is.
But, in the seven years since my surgery, I've sometimes wondered what it would be like if I were single. I like to think that I would take the attitude that if a man wasn't interested in ME (rather than my lack of breasts), then he was the wrong guy for me. I've heard some women say it's a good way to separate out the ones who are worth being with and those who aren't! But I'm not sure how I would handle what you describe--a guy you'd been dating who seemed disappointed when you told him you had a mastectomy. Though I like to believe that if I felt good about myself, men would be attracted to me, I'm not sure how I'd deal with someone like that. It might really test my confidence.
Clearly, I don't have any real advice for you. Just wanted to let you know that even though I'm married, I empathize with what you're going through.
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This is a subject that is truly worth discussing. We are a total package, we have a brain and "female parts" and indeed life becomes confusing when these parts are missing. I am also in a long term marriage, 39 years, and my husband was against recon, he was not attracted to reconstruction photos we saw.
But Like others above, I wonder what it would be like to date now, with no breasts. I think in one way, I can answer this because I do know of several people who fell in love "online" and then got married and have successful relationships. These relationships are based on making what we DO have work for us (let's just say the 2 couples I know are far from physically attractive, my standards) . No one is perfect, men have hairy backs (liked that one!) and if that is your main focus, you are going to be upset with a hairy back. But when a man learned to care about you, all the little things about you, you will learn to love and be physical with the new body you have.
It sounds a bit harsh but if a man is totally into breasts, then I think I would not be the right woman for him, but then again, even if I had breasts, I would not want to be with him.
It is a confusing subject, love after (any) missing body parts. It is good to talk about this here, in a safe place, to express ourselves. I hope to hear more from all of you.
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It's funny how we're both 52. Dating is hard enough now, I feel old. The men that are in the on-line dating, that are my age, are putting that they want a woman age 30 to 50. It sucks, that a 52 year old man is looking for women 50 and under. That means, I'm not even in his seaches, with the on-line dating. Now to realize I'm "lacking" in feminine sexuality, really sucks. Otherwise I'm slim and in good shape. I don't know.
I searched about men, psychology, and why they love breasts. I found many reasons, including the fact that when I woman's nipples are stimulated, there's a release of Oxytocin, the bonding hormone. There's many reasons, it's psychological, it's evolution wired into their brains. I don't feel mad at men. I wish I could give my mate ( to be ), a whole female body. One man I dated said, if I could only get into a man's head and know how much men love the female body.
I"ve started thinking about reconstruction, only because, my remaining breast is so small, I know it's not even an A-cup. When I wear a bra, the bra often rides up over it. I've tried several bras. Having new breasts, maybe B-cup? would make wearing a bra much easier. Another reason, is I like to not wear bras at all. I only wear them, when I dress up to go out. So, when I'm braless, I look as flat as a board. This never use to bother me, but now I'd like a more hour-glass figure.
I still doubt I'll go all the way to that point, getting reconstruction. I've read that sexually, it really doesn't benefit the woman. There's no sensation. Why would that turn a man on, knowing the woman can't feel much?
I think with dating, it's best to wait awhile before saying anything. Let them get to know you as a person. Then if it looks like there's potential, I say something.
Jen
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& I've heard they don't go with the flow, remain hard & in place no matter what
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Abigail, that depends on the type of reconstruction. If one's own tissue is used the breast would still be flexible. In fact, many women say their breasts post recon are better looking than before. I've only had a lumpectomy with recon, nipple built and the other side reduced/lifted, but mastectomy recons can be quite successful. Of course you wouldn't know first hand about any of this.
Jen, my DH also did not want me to have another surgery for reconstruction. I did it solely for my own desire to feel "whole" again. Important thing is what YOU want, not pleasing a man. Easy to say, I know, but surgery is grueling, even when one anticipates a positive outcome. Best wishes!
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Hi all,
My husband of 13 years was okay totally with any decision I made regarding reconstruction. I decided to have a double mastectomy with direct to implant reconstruction, not for him but for myself. I wanted to look as much like myself post treatment as I did before BC turned my life upside down. My implants are soft and look natural. I am happy with my choice.
I don't have a lot of self-confidence when dating. I learned that after my divorce when I stated dating again. For my own reasons (described above) adding another "issue" (lack of one or two breasts) would have been another pro in favor of reconstruction. If I had more body image self confidence, then that wouldn't have mattered in the dating situation.
I had a different experience with reconstruction than many do--it was a relatively easy thing! However, I found chemo and ghastly, it was one of the hardest things I ever endured. Nauseous despite All meds. For the first 2 months, exhausted during all four months. So, I caught a break with the easy reconstruction.
I had body image/PTSD before BC so I needed to have reconstruction for my own comfort level in sexuality with my husband.
I agree with all the input so far. Even though I am happily married,I don't think dating under these BC decisions is not discussed enough, even among our BC sisters. If YOU are not comfortable with your breast decisions, this would likely be like a cloud hanging over every first date. So I guess the bottom line is "forget the men and find your own TRUE comfort level." Then the cloud over dating will move on.
Hugs,
Peggy
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I haven't dated since my divorce, and now with my mastectomy, I can't imagine that it will get easier. I'm almost 55, and like Jen said, men my age want a younger woman, and I'm NOT interested in dating a 70 year old! Throwing a mastectomy into the mix, well, I just don't have high hopes, that's all I'm saying.
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Hi Ladies,
I've been reading your discussion with interest! I am divorced for 6 years now and although not serious, I do have a man in my life at the moment. He was with me before the bc and has stuck by me through thick and thin (bit of a friends with benefits thing)! The sex side of things is brilliant and he still fancies me and everything but I am terrified of the day I have to go out and find someone who will want to spend time with me. I find it hard enough to be confident in my own skin now but I'm working on it! I haven't had recon yet. My Dad keeps telling me that when I meet the right person, it won't matter whether I have breasts or not, they will love me for who I am! I'm not overly convinced to be honest!
Viv xxx
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Well, have met a new man, and we've been getting to know each other on-line and just started talking on the phone. I'm 52, he's 53. So far he seems very nice. I think I'll wait and see if it looks to be getting more serious, then I'll have the "talk". I'm just going to tell him, I never did have reconstruction, and I'm still not sure.
I never said, but my sister, who is 1 year younger, had to go through a double mastectomy and she did have reconstruction. I saw what a difficult thing it was for her to go through. She seems ok now. We're not that close and she lives far away. One thing I wondered about with her, is that she is petite and she ended up with large breasts. To me it looks not natural, or out of porportion. I think, maybe it helped her self-esteem? I would hope the plastic surgeons don't push large.
Jen
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Hey Jen.
I would be interested in how what the response is from the new nice guy. I have just broken up with someone and it is probably not a good time for me to be even thinking about dating.
I too have not had a recon. I have been wondering what a potential partner would think of my 1 boob status.
We both have similar dx's and it looks like you are doing well? and that makes me feel better.
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Jen, I'm sorry you even have to go through this on top of everything that you went through. I'm a husband of a sweet wife that went through a BMX with no re-con. I don't know how I would have felt years ago in the dating world about a women with out ( those parts) I was young then and immature. But I can tell you that having gone through this with my wife, I think different now. One breast or no breasts wouldn't be an issue. You find the right man that you can be best friends with and it will all work out. It may take a few trial and errors. I wish you the best.
KS65
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This is not about me but someone I know....a brave woman who had to have both breasts removed as well as her intestine, so she has to wear one of those bags on her side. But she was sooooo excited and happy to have survived cancer, she was bubbling over...and met the man of her dreams and married.
Things like this really do happen in life.
I am happily married but I am a healthy lady LOL and only 3 years out from the mastectomy did I realize how much I missed gentle flirting....I always was flirty before cancer and cancer seemed to stop that side to me. And I never felt whole. Now that I am back to some "easy flirting" ...I just feel more "me" and men laugh and don't seem to even notice I am flat...
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I watch a show called Millionaire Matchmaker on tv sometimes. Patty can give awesome advice on dating.
One of the things she stresses is not to let out all your baggage early on in the first few dates (well, if you are going to be intimate within the first few dates, he's gonna notice).
If I were dating now (I had a BMX with no reconstruction), I would wait to tell them until after we'd been dating awhile. It is quite a shock for anyone and family members to hear they have cancer and about all the surgeries, treatments,etc and familly and friends already love you (cept for the exceptions that can't handle it, of course).
Men are visual creatures. I bet some, if you let and them get to know you care about you FIRST, THEN tell them, it might be different.
I started dating Brian in June 2010, by October 2010, I found the lump, then diagnoses in November.
He told me that had I already had cancer in June, he might have passed on me. I don't blame him one bit. But you see, had already loved me and cared for me, and it was ok.
Anyway, I think a good rule of dating is 1. Do a criminal background check on your date (WI has a website where you can get court information for free...learned this from my sister-in-law when I started dating after my late fiancee died in 2005) 2. Don't air all your baggage from the start. Don't lie, but I don't think we need to let it all out there from the get go.
Good luck with dating.
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I apologize if this question doesn't belong here, but is the reconstruction so natural that the conversation does not have to be had? Do men really like it? I haven't had it obviously, and I feel that moving my belly fat and skin with stretch marks up to my chest is not going to satisfy me or any man. I can't have implants because of radiation. I would have preferred that as I didn't like the idea of all the surgeries and the length of the initial surgery with DIEP. A woman showed me her recon with implants, and it looked very much like implants do in women who still have breasts, which is a look I think that men like.
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Hi Peggy, I live in Centreveille VA just diagnosed with triple negative IDC, and am advised to do chemo first and then surgery. I can see that you had the same experience. Can you share if the chemo before surgery worked for you? how much did your tumor shrink? Thank you.
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