Was there anything 'good' that came out of this?
I'm about a year and a half out from my diagnosis. It was a pretty rough couple years. I was teaching in Texas when my father was diagnosed with terminal cancer & gave up my job to move to Ohio to help care for him (my mother has dementia). After being 'home' at the house I grew up in for about six months, I was diagnosed. My father died one week after I completed rads (about a year ago).
A few weeks ago a very long term and lovely friend was over for dinner (more like a sister than a friend). And she asked me if anything 'good' had come out of this ('this' being the whole experience of diagnosis, treatment, fear, etc.). I wasn't sure how to answer. I'd like to say that I treasure life more than I did in the past because I realize how fragile it is. I'd also like to be able to say that I value certain relationships more than I did in the past. I'd like to be able to say I am somehow stronger and have a greater sense of empathy for people who are going through their own hard experiences. Then I chastise myself because I don't know that I really learned any of these things and think I should have. Did any of you have 'good' come from this? And when did it happen? : )
Comments
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no! , nothing good has come out of this !
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Not really. My life has changed in bad ways and good ways, but I'd be hard pressed to say anything good came directly out of this. I was already strong. I had already faced a lot of hardship. I already knew life was tenuous and I "should" appreciate every moment. I have lost my breasts and my hair and my ability to have another baby and my trust in the medical field and some of my friends. I have made new friends and I (ironically) hate my body much less now than I did before all this. And I guess I have a fresh perspective (like the fact that I may lose my house is no longer upsetting to me, since cancer seems so much worse in comparison!) But mostly I am just tired, emotionally wrung-out, questioning my faith, fearing a recurrence, grieving what I've lost....
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ziggy, it seems like you are aware of the things that you do want , either to do or to be. I think that counts as something good having come from your cancer experience as perhaps you didn't consider those things prior to?
As for me, I am on the road to a good outcome. It hit me about 6 months out of diagnosis, but took me another 2 years before I was willing to face the fact that I was no longer willing to stay in my nearly 40 year marriage with a partner who had no boundaries or respect for my emotional well being. It felt like hearing those 3 words (you have cancer) set me free. I wasn't particularly looking for that to happen, and I had no actual control of those feelings, they just happened…Hind sight is always 20/20 no?
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Indenial - I guess I feel the same way - tired & wrung out. I am also hoping I guess that if I look for the 'good' things and identify what they might be, then maybe I could work toward achieving them. At first when my friend asked the question I was kind of irritated - sort of pissed, like 'Really my boob was cut off and all of my retirement savings are gone, and I'm single and I had a job which I now don't have and on and on. And how the heck do I get 'good' out of that?"
Then I thought maybe I need to stop listing the bad things in my head and try to come up with some good things to work toward because I don't want to continue to be angry & I'd just rather feel like this wasn't all just a shit year that I need to 'put behind me' because I don't seem to be able to do that.
I guess I'm just hoping to find a way to find some good that I can get out of it. Maybe that'll come in time. -
My experience has been a little different. I was diagnosed in September and had my bilateral mastectomy in November. Once the diagnosis was made, I had sort of a peace about it. I was working as a teacher's assistant, but had just obtained my teaching license and was searching for a teaching position. I always prayed that God put me where I was needed most. I never got a call on my applications so I knew God wanted me back where I was working. I thought there must be a child that needs me this year, or something like that. I never suspected the need would be for me. I was originally suppose to have chemo, and I was prepared for that. It was only hair, right? I was fitted for 2 wigs. My prayer was for healing, I did not ask for one method over another. Turns out, I was able to take the tamoxifin in lieu of the chemo. My out look has not changed. I face another surgery in July. My surgeon wants me to consider the DIEP procedure. That is terrifying to me. But, there is a quote I saw that says, "Don't worry about tomorrow, because God is already there." Please don't lose your faith. I am not as devout as I should be, but it's the faith that keeps me going. Keep thinking positively and surround yourself with other people who can lift you up.
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ziggypop, great idea for a new thread. I am anxious for someone to enlighten us. I was sick in 2011, had to have 1/3 of my colon removed, spent 3 months in bed..That was my wake-up call to appreciate everything more.... 2013 bc..& like you, lots of + nodes..still in tx, so not able to reflect, & look back...but even when I am able, so hard to imagine what the good could be...
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I’m two years out from dx…. And yes, my perspective has
changed over the years.THE BAD
- Diagnosed at a very fragile time in my marriage
- Friends said really stupid things; some drifted away completely. Don't miss them.
- Mental and physical stress of the diagnosis and surgeries
- Lingering pain and vice-grip feeling from the pocket work
at Exchange - Inability to tolerate BS and whining about the small
stuff in others - Chronic joint and muscle pain from the AIs
- Worsening of daily spinal pain from bone loss
- Loss of “filters” when making comments to others (I pretty
much say what I feel)
THE GOOD
- Discovered what a rock and support my husband was; we
faced things as a team, marriage was restored - True friends "got it" and remained true friends
- Cancer was small and caught early
- Did not need chemo or rads
- Always wanted a breast lift – Original Girls were heavy,
painful, and droopy – got new perky ones - Chance of recurrence – while there – is small. If it happens, it happens
- Fabulous medical team took care of me
- Met wonderful, awesome people along the way, including
all my BCO sisters - Post-BMX and pre-Arimidex, lost 60 pounds and 65 inches and felt
better and healthier than I had in 20 years - Found I had more compassion for those fighting any kind
of battle - Gained a fresh outlook on the importance of living for
today
FYI - All the “good” stuff does not mean I am a saint.
Most of the time, I say things like “I am a woman who
needs estrogen. Do not #$%^ with me!”Good topic, ziggypop!
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Blessings, you had excellent "good" points..my new friends @ BCO is the only one I can relate to...
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I am not quite a year out from dx and I, too, have wondered what 'take aways' there are to this whole thing.
I do feel I can see my relationships with friends, family and DH more clearly. Appreciating and loving the ones who became bigger for me (or who were always that big and I just didn't see it before) and feeling able to accept the ones who weren't as big as I had thought they were in my life.
I wasn't sure if I missed the boat on gaining some kind of special insight through this whole bc experience so I am very glad to see this thread. Added it to my favorites! Thanks for starting this, Ziggypop!
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Ziggy, I suspect the secret is not "achieving" some sort of good, but recognizing the good that already exists in your life...
Easier said than done!
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I feel like good has come out of my experience. I have made some amazing friends here that are now some of my closest friends. I quit my high stress job and now focus on my family and am starting a business for fun. I do more volunteer work and help others dealing with a BC diagnosis. I have a greater appreciation for things in life. I am happier than before my DX. I would never say the BC experience was great, but I have tried to look for the good that did come from this journey. I still hate BC though!!!!
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There are some very familiar names posting on this thread. So many of you are regulars in the Not Diagnosed but Worried and other forums here, where new members come for information and first-hand experiences and reassurance. Maybe we're being selfish, but what you're doing to help others seems like some serious good that's come out of what you've been through.
Thank you.
• The Mods
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I would "ditto" what blessings had to say except:
My marriage was pretty strong, and this just made it clear that that was true.
My not thrilled with my new 'gals', after DIEP, but I'm not done.
Additionally:
I waver between depression and normality.
I waiver between 'don't dote on me or feel sorry for me because of my cancer, I'm no hero, I just did/do what I need to' and 'hey, you have no idea what I'm going through, back off'.
I sometimes feel selfish when I turn down aide to others because I am busy taking care of myself or my family, but I feel the need to put us first. I get calls from the American Cancer Society or Susan G. Komen seeking financial support. If I say no, I feel guilty. I guess it depends on the day. Sometimes I just say "can't help, dealing with my own BC". Other times I have actually said "hey, what are you going to do for me?" EEK! Did I say that? Yes, I did.
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The best thing that came out of my BC diagnosis is the close friendships I have developed with some of the BCO Sisters, even outside of BC support. Just being in touch, meeting and spending time with ladies who will understand if I suddenly strip off two layers of clothing due to hot flashes, and don't notice that I forgot to "wear" a boob today! Ladies with whom I can be myself, even if it is NOT BC related. For that I am thankful.
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Perhaps it is the Effexor talking, but my BC diagnosis has been a positive thing for me. Firstly I had a breakdown post dx and was able to work through some intense issues from when my mom had BC and I was 4 years old. I'm sure I never would have faced that. Also when I was on the brink, literally unable to function, my family just carried on with their lives. I knew at that point that they could go on without me. That realization was a blessing for me. Honestly I don't sweat the small stuff anymore. I am changed. Instead of rushing to judgement and getting upset about what this person did or said, I just don't care. I now try not to say anything negative about anyone (note "try"). That helps me sleep soundly.
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Hi Mods - always love it when you pop in. That is a good that's come out of this - or at least I hope so. : ) And thank you for giving us that opportunity to use our experiences to help others get through theirs.
Srh 242 - I wish I could hand you something good. What has happened with all of us is different. I can only hope that you have had and will have some moments of happiness today, tomorrow, now. Whatever pain you have, I sure wish that we could all lift it off of you and take it out of you. Sending some gentle hugs and wishes for sweet dreams for you tonight.
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no more mammograms!
i can tie a scarf really good
no longer have to worry about identity theft. credit sucks so why would anyone bother stealing my credit
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Here's my list
Bad things
I have lost my sense of well being.
I am about 10 years older due to AIs
Good things
I discovered what a hero my husband is.
I found out what a beloved mother I am and how important I am to my children and grandchildren, makes me cry such happy tears.
I have shed toxic friendships. Don't know why, but somehow when things get tough, toxic friends are more obvious.
I have a healthy career for the first time ever in my life. I was a hard driving executive and now I am a business leader with zero stress.
I love this thread, ziggy. It makes me feel happy.
MsP
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P.S. As a stoic woman, I learned how much my mother cared for and loved me.
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I don't have to wear a bra. I only ever had to have one mammogram in my life.
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I think I ended up appreciating the things I do have a lot more, and even more, appreciating the years of life I would not have seen without treatment. Which is of course the perfect answer for those who yearn for the "good old days".
My life and career are different than they would be otherwise, and I was able to put the roller coaster of the past 14 years behind me. It does take time to process everything. And even more time to layer on new and different experiences. I think I am finally there so doing a life reshape this year.
What I wrote in my Christmas letter:
One reason I love this time of year so much is that it combines joy, celebration, sharing and love with the need to take stock and reflect on the past year. I think what is different for me is profound gratitude…..for my friends, for a wonderful life, for the chance to give back and contribute, to be doing important work, for the successes of my friends, for stunning and inspiring scenery, and for each day that I am here. This is not to mention things like wonderful food and amazing wine or performing arts such as ballet and opera.
Speaking of "stunning and inspiring scenery", I am off for a x-country ski on Mount Rainier. It should be glorious sunshine, and I have yet to go skiing this season (no snow).
So I don't want to miss a day of my life either. God gave me this extra time and I want to make good use of it. I count myself beyond blessed. - Claire
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Love that Christmas letter Claire.
I feel the same way.
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hi ziggypop, nice topic. Agree with what's been posted so far. My top three:
I learned that my husband loves me for who I am not what I look like.
I discovered that my hairdresser was right all those years when she told me I'd look better with short hair.
I made some amazing friends.
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I have found a renewed Faith and don't want to go back where I was before BC. I know my life has changed in ways I cannot even grasp yet. Hopefully this road will lead me to new beginnings and a greater apprecation for what I already have.
Thanks to all of you for sharing your thoughts and starting the thread!
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The best thing to happen to me because of this was a better relationship with my younger son. My older son (who just turned 19 today and had to leave an hour ago to go back to college ) has always been very sweet and affectionate, while my younger son (17) was more reserved. It's kind of hard to read him, so sometimes I felt like I was just getting on his nerves, and we had some conflict. But after my diagnosis last summer I discovered he really does love me after all. Now he'll actually ask me if I want to watch a movie, or we'll watch a t.v. series together (right now "Dexter" season 7), and he talks to me more than he used to. And occasionally I'll get a hug. Not that he cleans his room any more than he used to, but I'll take what I can get
The other good thing is I feel freer to do things and spend money. My usual mode is frugality (saving for college and retirement). Now I'm more likely to say, "screw it, I want to do this, so I'm doing it." I'm not so worried about having the retirement money last anymore.
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Another good thing to come out of this is that I realize I have control over very little in my life. That for me is freedom.
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Holeinone - I do think that if we are able to find some good it probably does come after treatment ends, and I'm guessing maybe for most of us a while after it ends. I see for instance that Blessings said that her perspective has changed.
wenweb - there is maybe some sense of freedom that comes from this, I'm glad that if you weren't getting emotional support in your marriage that you ended it. I think maybe some of us get a sense of selfishness that we didn't actually have before - that we only have this one life and we deserve to as happy as we can be and to be treated well - we all deserve that. Funny that you and Blessings had such different things happen and yet see them both as 'good'Blessings - I'm not married, but the fact that you came out with a stronger marriage - that really is a good thing. Maybe sometimes we take things for granted (how much a spouse means to us) until that thing is threatened. I know coming out of this that I don't want to take life itself for granted - I'd like to treasure it more.
farmerlucydaisy - (love that name) I do find that I don't sweat the small stuff as much either, in the long run it just doesn't matter if my bed's made today or not unless I want it to be.
Sometimes I guess being pushed to the brink allows us to realize that we were actually very close to it for a long time. I'm glad that you were able to work through some things and come out in a better place. It's nice to hear that.
fran - My credit rating always sucked... sometimes I wish somebody would steal my identity and deposit some money in my bank account. I didn't learn the scarf tying thing - but I have a pretty good size hat collection & right now have curly hair for the first time in my life. Also, I used to have to shave my legs every day, now about every two weeks suffices. Oh - and I really appreciate food. I see some women going on these super restrictive diets & while I try to eat well, I will absolutely not feel guilty about eating things I like - everything tasted nasty during chemo & also at the end of his life my dad didn't enjoy food any more - and I though why would anybody give up this wonderful thing - it would be like giving up good sex.
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Ziggy .. for me the one good thing that came out of this was all the close friends I've made over the years. We have gotten together many times and it's been a wonderful experience to be surrounded by such love and support.
hugs,
Bren
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MsP - My mother has always said that she is glad that she's not rich (in the financial sense). She paints portraits and had done some for some very wealthy clients and when she did it involved spending many hours with them and talking to them. She has always said that when you are rich, you never know who your friends are - you can't trust your relationships. Maybe there's a degree of truth to that when we get hit with something like cancer, too. We learn how much we really mean to some people and how much we don't to others? - and knowing how much your family loves you - that is really a reason for happy tears.
wenweb - knowing how much your mother loved you - that is a +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++!!! You know, I bet it was good for her too - to break through the stoicism; it's hard for some people to express their love. -
ziggy, your response brought tears to my eyes. You are right on. It has brought us closer, something I have wanted for a long time.
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'Meeting' my BCO sisters, knowing that they literally 'saved' my life when I could not see how I could survive this. My relationship ending - my choice, even if I don't meet any one else - I have learnt for the first time that it really can be better to be alone......even with a bc dx.
My cat, he too got me thru the 3 in the morning panics.... waking and feeling him snuggled next to me, made me feel less alone.
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