dealing w/loss of breasts/erogenous zone at 39

Eden - I'm not trying to question your treatment decisions, but since you're saying that you don't want to go through with a BMX, I'm going to ask if you really have to?  Do you have DCIS in both breasts?  Are you sure from your imaging that you couldn't get clear margins with a lumpectomy?  Has your surgeon explained all of your options (or why you don't have options)?  

Why can't they biopsy the spot that showed up on the MRI?  If it turns out to not be cancer (MRIs are notorious for false positives) then you don't need to have the BMX - you can have a single MX (or even a lumpectomy... more on that later) and then you have plenty of time to decide what, if anything, you want to do about the other breast.

I had extensive DCIS and a microinvasion in my right breast.  And at the same time, suspicious calcs were found in my left breast.  Those were biopsied and turned out to be benign.  So I had a single MX only.  After much consideration and discussion with my oncologist, I opted out of Tamoxifen - with my oncologist's approval. That was 8 years ago and I'm just fine.  I was about 10 years older than you when I was diagnosed, but I was single too.  I'm now married, and I met my DH quite soon after having my MX.

Of course this is just an example of what happened to one person, and there is no way to know what will happen with you, but I thought it was important to point out that are different ways to approach the situation - and things can work out even if you don't do everything your doctor is advising you to do.  None of what's been suggested are absolute "must dos" and a different doctor might offer you a different perspective.  In the end, you get to decide what you want to do, and you should have the information you need to make your decisions (i.e. the biopsy on your other breast) and you should take the time you need to make a decision you are comfortable with.  

As for the lumpectomy vs. mastectomy decision, one option is that you have a lumpectomy first and assess the situation from there.  The surgeon is telling you that the appearance of your breast will be compromised but you might find that the appearance is acceptable, better to you than having a MX and reconstruction.  Having a lumpectomy first would also help determine the actual size of the tumor (imaging only provides an estimate that can be wrong) and whether or not clear margins can be achieved with a lumpectomy.  

There are some situations about breast cancer where we really don't have a choice.  But it seems that in your situation, you do have choices, or at least, you should have choices.  I had two large areas of DCIS in a small "B" breast, and I had a very large amount of breast tissue removed during my excisional (surgical) biopsy.  It did affect the appearance of my breast, but it would have been fine with me.  The problem was that there were no clear margins anywhere around either of the removed areas of breast tissue.  Then I had an MRI that showed that my breast was full of "stuff".  So I made my MX decision pretty certain that I had a breast full of DCIS - and it turns out that I did.  But even at that, my surgeon knew that I didn't want to have a MX, so he offered to try to a re-excision lumpectomy to see if he could get clear margins.  If not for the MRI showing that my breast was full of something that shouldn't be there, I would have seriously considered that option.  Your surgeon should be working with you on this, trying to help find a solution that is both an appropriate treatment but also works for you.

I can totally relate to what you are going through. I am 3 weeks out of UMX due to grade 1 DCIS. And not a single day passed by that I have not missed my lost left breast. I had perfect B size but my left had been giving me abnormal mammos for the last 5 years. Like you, I am single, except I am 10 years older and have a preteen son to take care of. The only advice I hope I can also give to myself is time will heal. You have love. You make peace and you find those fleeting happiness. I got to keep my so far perfect right breast, and I am glad I have the option. And Xanax helps a lot!

I get it, Eden.  My breasts were also a major erogenous zone for me and I am often so sad that I won't feel the feeling of nipples again....Of course, your sister is right in that it is more important to be alive, but do make sure it is necessary before you make that commitment.  I was 35 when I lost mine, then did prophylactic hysterectomy/oophorectomy which has completely eliminated any sex drive, so I do miss the more sexual part of myself.  But I would do the same thing again.

I just read your OP and really felt like I wanted to "talk" with you.  I know where you're at because I was there too.   I had amazing boobs before my BMX.  People would always say "Don't take this the wrong way, but are yours real?"   They were fabulous and I loved them!

I worried so much about not being desirable since I was kind of relying on my boobs for my 'sexy' and the fact that I'm a 43 yr old single mom with cerebral palsy on top of that.   Trust me, I understand.

I just had my BMX last Tuesday.  Ya know what ?  IT'S OKAY!    An ex bf who's still a good friend came over to help take care of me and my son since like I said, I'm single.  Well I've got TEs that look like hamburger buns on my chest no where near what my boobs used to look like and it didn't take much for his motor to rev at all!  We were in the kitchen and he was making meatballs and sauce.  I went up and hugged him and noticed he was 'glad to see me."  LOL   

As far as the exhibitionism, girl, I've shown my foobs to anyone looking in my genereal direction.  It's just not a 'thing' anymore. I walk around with a jammie shirt open because these 4 stinkin drains are too much of a pain to deal with under a buttoned shirt. 

Long story short:   I had fabulous boobs that I loved but I'm glad I had the BMX.  I'm at peace with it, and sex is still good!

All the best to you.