Husband Issue - Request for Advice

I agree,if you want to save the marriage, a counsellor can help you work out how to respond to those insensitive, hurtful comments.

When I was 20 my mom had her first mastectomy. Just a few days post surgery she was emptying a drain. I heard my dad say, "Put a shirt on. I can't stand looking at you like that."

That has stayed with me for nearly 30 years and was in my mind and on my heart when I chose to have a BMX. Thankfully my husband did not react that way and has been supportive.

My heart breaks for you. Please do not believe him and please do not tolerate it. It IS a difficult adjustment for you AND for him and I think the right counselor could make a big difference. But what he said to you is disrespectful. Be sure that he knows how his words make you feel. If he continues after that....purposely hurting you...then you'll need to figure out what's next. So the question is...is he just clueless, or is he deliberately hurting you?

Sending you a virtual ((((hug!)))))

OMG Dulcigirl what an insensitive and cruel thing to say to your mother. Just wondering did you ever say anything about it to your father? My parents are no longer living but I cant imagine my father ever saying anything so disrespectful to my mother. What he might have said, and by the way she had BC and a MX, was for we kids to not cry therefore he could stay in denial about how serious the situation was. It was somehow giving in to the DX.

peverson - Insensitive and cruel doesn't begin to describe your husband's remarks. At the very least, whether it does any good or not, I would tell him just that. I am sickened by the people who think we somehow asked for this disease and like its a picnic for us dealing with surgeries and pain and treatments. Its almost like we have leprosy. I have distanced myself from people I felt like I had to almost apologize for my fear or anxiety. Since I was dx the only people I shared my innermost fears with were a friend who went through the same thing and my sister and even with my sister I held back sometimes. I think we all understand no one wants to hear about our ailments non-stop anymore than maybe we want to hear about theirs but what we do expect and deserve is sensitivity and understanding. You have enough to deal with peverson and you have every right to expect support from the people who claim they love you. Good luck. diane

I,m sorry for your husband cruel comments, my hubby was very supportive, and was even the one to look at my chest before I did, I would also suggest counseling for you two, it may be he doesn,t know what to do with his feelings. msphil(idc,stage2,0/3 nodes, L mast chemo and rads and 5 yrs on tamoxifen) 

Patsy, sorry your husband is saying hurtful things.  Perhaps a visit to the Scar Project website would change his perspective.  Here's the URL, click into "images".  http://www.thescarproject.org/   Breast Cancer is not a pink ribbon.  Reality is powerful. 

My DH heard a story this week about the Scar Project on NPR's To the Best of our Knowledge and called me, all choked up, to say how proud he is of me and how much he loves me.  I wish everyone had that kind of support.

Dulcigirl, that comment and the thinking behind it must've caused your mom a lot of heartache.  My mom was 50 when she was dx with BC and had a radical L mx w/implant.  (I was also 50 at dx.  She had a new primary 16 yrs later and had a R mx with removal of implant.  Her experience is one reason I had a BMX without recon.)  I found out later that she'd offered my dad a divorce after the first mx and obviously he said no because was still around but IDK how their relationship changed.  I do know that that thought never entered my mind.  We have a strong relationship and enjoy all the benefits of marriage.  Guys who spurn their wives lose out on some of the great joys of life and that's a shame. 

Wishing you all the best.  ♥

I am so sorry he is hurting your feelings like this. I hope you are communicating and letting him know these words hurt. And from there you talk about it, and be sure he understands you didn't choose this, cancer did.

Seeing a good counselor is also a way to go, but no matter what, he has to be told his comments hurt you.

I do think posting here as you did, helps all of us. You get your feelings validated, and we can all reflect on the changes in our lives, to make things better. I go around flat all the time and sometimes I really do wonder if this is unattractive, I really don't know because no one in my life is going around flat all the time. I have never been very focused on my looks, so I am never sure.

Another husbands view: I would NEVER make a negative comment about my wife's looks after the BMX. She has a hard enough time dealing with the change day to day. Neither one of us liked what had to be done, but if it saved her life we will deal with it. I told her when we started this journey that I signed a contract with her 19 years ago when we were married "sickness and in health rich or poorer". I'm the husband, support, rock if you will. Her looks don't bother me in the least. I was proud of her strength  through all that she went through. All I did was play nurse and chauffer. And to close I would never ask her to do recon for me  because I don't want to see her go through any more surgeries unless SHE wants it. Patsy I wish you the best, and wished I had some good advise to pass a long to you. Keep your head up!

Hi Patsy, I want to make a comment, and I hope you take it with a grain of salt. There is no insinuation, rather, I'm passing along information that was imparted to me from my therapist in regard to husband issues and unkind words. "Someone who says they love you wouldn't speak to you using those words".

Best Wishes

So, I asked my husband.  My husband says: " you married your wife, not her boobs.  Just because some parts are missing - she's still there - you just have to suck it up."