Offended?

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Kayce234
Kayce234 Member Posts: 249
edited June 2014 in Mental Health: Because Cancer Doesn't Just Affect Your Breasts

So I've recently found out that my sister will be shaving her head in support of cancer patients next June.  This is the sister who along with her family said horrible things to me when I was diagnosed and who I have not spoken to for over 2yrs because of what they said.  This is the sister who hasn't visited my mother or had anything to do with her other than take her out to lunch 3x per year (mom's birthday, thanksgiving & christmas).  I am so perplexed and floored by this and am trying to wrap my head around it.  I am feeling so many emotions in regards to this - anger, sadness, frustration.  I'm angry and offended that she would do something that people do with heart felt intentions and use it for attention, to make a mockary out of a wonderful tribute that people do for their loved ones or someone close to them.  I am sad that she is so sick that she has to go to this level for attention and I'm frustrated that no one around her is stepping in to tell her she needs help.  As a family we always used to joke that Julie wasn't happy unless someone was dying and she was in the middle of it.  She is obsessed with people with cancer and will jump on any band wagon that rides by - of course not mine because she couldn't be in the limelight. 

I've gone through therapy and come to terms with what she and her family have done to me - I'm settled with it and understand that she has serious mental issues that have gone untreated for to long.  I understand that she has been taking out her own life issues (her childhood, her marriage) on me for most of our lives.  I have forgiven her for everything - though I will not forget and I do not want her or her family in my life.  Not until she gets help

I'm just curious if I'm going overboard with my disgust and offensiveness or if any of you would feel the same way.  I know she will walk around bald loving that strangers are looking at her like she is a cancer patient...  My husband and mother say to just ignore her but this has so far crossed a line that I take it as a personal slap in the face to everyone who has fought cancer.

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  • exbrnxgrl
    exbrnxgrl Member Posts: 12,424
    edited November 2013


    Kayce,


    Your feeling are your feelings and you have a right to them, but don't let what your sister is doing consume too much of your time, energy or emotions. No matter what you feel, she is an adult whose actions you have no control over regardless of how much you dislike them. Don't give up your power to something you can't control.

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  • Jelson
    Jelson Member Posts: 1,535
    edited November 2013


    Your sister is pathetic and as you know, mentally ill. Her attention-getting actions are offensive, but not a danger to herself or others. As exbrnsgrl advises, don't energize this behavior which is out of your control by thinking about it. By June she might be on to something else.


    usually I feel sorry that I don't have a sister and I usually like my name - not so much after reading your post!!!


    Hugs to you -


    Jelson

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  • mpetago
    mpetago Member Posts: 92
    edited November 2013


    Kayce,


    Don't know if this will make you feel better but my good friend's OO-WORKER, whom I really didn't know, made a big spectacle of shaving his head 'in support of me,' then later said something about planning to do it anyway and just wondering who would be cuter bald. What a colossal ass. Some people are narcissistic and offensive to the point of absurdity, and I think all you can really do is pity them. From afar.

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  • NancyHB
    NancyHB Member Posts: 1,512
    edited November 2013


    Kayce - Some people will make your cancer all about them. Most we can avoid or pity them from afar (thanks, mpetago!), but family is a different animal altogether. The expectations we have of our family often get in the way of reality. Caryn makes an excellent point - don't give your sister any more power over you.


    I had two "friends" who shaved their head in solidarity - I was incredibly offended, but what could I do? Everyone around them thought they were noble and brave; my best friend said, "I love you, but not enough to shave my head" for which I hugged her tight. One friend wanted to stay bald for 5 years - "Because that's when you're cured, right?" I realized very quickly that their gesture was in no way about me at all; this was something THEY needed to do, for whatever reason, for themselves. That knowledge didn't lessen how offended I was...but it protected my heart and soul from further anger and damage, which was most important to me.


    Blessings and peace to you.

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  • Kayce234
    Kayce234 Member Posts: 249
    edited November 2013

    thank you for all your replies - I think I just had to run it by other survivors to see if it was just me thinking this was crazy.  I know when I was first diagnosed my husband and my sister said they would shave their heads if I lost my hair which I found somewhat comforting - but that seems different, to do it for a loved one or a very close friend who is going through it, but I feel like to do it randomly just because you have lost people or known people who have gone through it seems so weird.

    Hoping you all have a very happy thanksgiving :)

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  • pipers_dream
    pipers_dream Member Posts: 618
    edited November 2013


    Kayce, of course you're offended but perhaps you could switch that up to just plain old disgust and the knowledge that your sis doesn't "get it" and never will. Sounds like a pure case of narcissistic PD to me and you can't fix that with all the therapy in the world. I have a sis that has that and a bigger dose of sociopathy and I have no desire to ever see her again, so I have some idea of what you're going thru with this sis of yours. I haven't even told my sis about my dx and don't plan to--I'd be afraid she'd come to the hospital and try to make it a big melodramatic scene and that would make me crazy.

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  • Kayce234
    Kayce234 Member Posts: 249
    edited December 2013


    Just have to share because I'm so floored!!! So when I was first diagnosed and found this board I posted some things about my sister that I didn't talk about with anyone else. My sisiter found this board and saw the post and wrote me a 3 page letter ripping me apart about my posts. She and her family never understood why I was so upset that she came to this board and invaded my privacy - they said its a public board. WELL like mother like daughter!!! Her daughter has obviously been creeping here because I just got a nasty long email about this post about her mother and telling me I'm insane and need help - actually begged me to get help! A girl who I havent seen or really spoken to in 2yrs!!! Oh and by the way she didn't mention a thing about my post in regards to going for testing to see if it metastasized. What the hell is wrong with people!!!

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  • ruthbru
    ruthbru Member Posts: 57,235
    edited December 2013

    Change your screen name and don't tell her what your new one is. Also delete most of the information about your diagnosis & treatment so she can't figure out it is you. If there are friends you have on the board & you want them to know you have changed your name.....PM them to let them know.

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  • sandcastle
    sandcastle Member Posts: 587
    edited December 2013

    I, do my best to keep toxic people out of my life....it just makes me feel better....liz

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  • TB90
    TB90 Member Posts: 992
    edited December 2013

    As you stated, your sister has a mental illness.  Her actions are offensive to you, but may be beyond her control until she receives treatment.  Distance yourself from her to protect yourself and reassure yourself that this isn't really even about you, it is about her illness.  It does affect you though, so do what you need to take care of yourself and not allow her illness to affect yours.  Surround yourself with persons who support you and try not to let the negative actions of others impact your well-being and health.  All the best.  But do continue to vent, that is healthy.     

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