DIEP 2013

Nihahi...I was hoping you would come home and rescue me, as I was out of my depth...and somehow I missed your post!

Such GOOD, sound advice for anyone struggling with re-newing intimacy after BMX......I really do believe that the first change HAS to be a mental one within ourselves...you are right !

Glad you are home...you make much more sense than I do..........

Goldie, there is so much truth in your words........having a nurturing, long-term relationship with your partner can go a long way in making up deficits that may exist otherwise.....

Deb, I hear you (not my experience) and I still feel that the sexual attraction has to start in our minds (Like Goldie said: "rely on my mind") and as we come to accept our new reality (post MX) we CAN become sexual beings again.......and I think sexuality IS a state of mind.......as you move through the recon process (I know you aren't happy with your results.....maybe time to make a PS change?) a change in thinking to "I am an attractive, sexual woman who has a LOT to offer the right man "...I for one think you have as much chance of intimacy as any of us, because your cancer is not who you ARE. XO

Rhgsr, there are no limitations to sex other than feeling ready, rested, or feeling well enough. Just be sure to listen to your body.

Cherrie, it is a true sense of loss. I'm just speaking for myself but damn, I miss the good old fashioned boot-knocking! We can rebuild our bodies and appreciate our lovely-dovey husbands, but I for one feel robbed! 

Surgical menopause at a young age started this, and to add insult to injury the Big C came anyway, despite trying  to prevent it by stopping hormones.  

I'm still doing rads and just like buying all the potions and lotions and magic spells to try to help my skin (which I did) I think prescriptions like the scream cream are more about trying to make yourself feel better and be involved in a solution. If rubbing on a cream pushes your button then go for it. (chicka-bow-wow)but for me sex is more in the brain. We manage to be intimate, but it's hard to convince myself that ms. Frankenstein will get her groove back. But time will tell. Sounds like lots of women are able to. I can always hope for the Monster Mash since I can't Fandango.

Oh bdavis,

My words will fail me here. I am so sorry. I can't imagine going through a divorce and this BC mess at the same time. I am sure you are working through this, and will come out of this okay, but it's a loss you certainly didn't need. Please, talk to us about it when you need to. You have been around these boards a long time. You know how supportive these ladies can be.

Mamma, we might not be in the same room right now, but at least we can hash this stuff out here for now. Phew!

sbe - thanks for the explanations and the fantastic photos! You look great!



RGHSR - I think it's because everything in there is squashed and takes a while to settle into place. Small, frequent eating and drinking is best, anyway. Lucy's regimen sounds perfect with all those little bites of protein. And my PS said six weeks before sex.



Bailey, so good to hear from you! Yay for the clean scan!



Bluebird - hope you're doing okay.

Betsy - I'm so sorry you are going through that. {{{{{hugs}}}}}



My DH is incredibly patient with me, but I just feel so awkward in bed. Between pains in some places and numbness in others, it's more like a tactical manouvre than sex! We've only tried twice since DIEP (actually, since my DX) and both times were stressful and unsatisfying for me. But we'll get there, eventually. I hope.

12/11/13 OceanWarrior (Diep)

12/12/13 Ridley (Diep)

12/13/13 damiana9 (Stage 2)

This weeks ladies. Safe surgeries and gentle healing.

My thoughts after last nights comments keep going back to the saying "Comparison is the thief of joy". Is my relationship with hubby,( in all areas!!!) the same now as it was years ago? Is my one lifted and reduced natural breast identical to my recon breast? Do I have the same income as a retired person as I did when I was working uber hours as an OT? Are my parents still alive? Can I hike the same trails I did 40 years ago? Are my childrens worries and problems the same as when they were leaving to start their first day of school. Do I have as long to live as I did when I was younger? Did I ever, and do I now have a perfect, wonderful "made in the movies" life? The answer is a complete and total NO to all of it......do I have an unhappy life, that makes me sit in fear and grief, because it is not the same.....again....NO. But I assure you....I had those moments of sadness and "wishing" and negativity. I'll say again....time will either keep adding walls to the emotional/physical jail we sit in, or time will keep opening different doors. Sometimes, we have to make the decision.....are we going to stay "here" or are we going to "move on".

Have good days ladies. Love you all.

Mammalou - My MO never asks me about my sex life - she never asks me any personal questions at all. But if she did, I'd have to say that life at home is like Dick and Laura Petrie from The Dick van Dyke Show. We laugh a lot, but sex has dwindled to almost nothing. I have almost no libido, and little interest in exposing myself physically. I've spend the last two years looking after my body and almost feel like I'm in a relationship with myself, and there's no room for anybody else. That's not to say that Jim hasn't been wonderfully supportive, and he continues to be patient and affectionate - but I'm just not there. Sex right now would be an effort, and I've never had to summon it before, it's always come naturally. I hope it comes back, but in my current frame of mind I'd pick comfy cotton pj's over a roll in the hay. I feel very selfish for thinking this way - and I don't even address it often with him because I find avoidance is the best tactic. If we bring it up then I feel like I'll need to try harder, and I'm not up to it. And the numbness doesn't help either - I feel like I'm wearing a snowsuit.

bdavis - I'm really sorry about your current situation. That's rough. I hope you're okay.

Nihahi - you and I are really the grandmothers on this thread. We have had years of experience. Your words are so spot on.

So much of the return to a life of intimacy with a partner is in how a person decides to cope. I was single, having a great time and 33 when I was dx. I continued to date and ultimately met my soulmate. Shortly after we married I had a complete hysterectomy - surgical menopause at 44 as a newlywed. No, the sex is not like it was when I was in my 20s or 30s or early 40s, but we really work hard on it. And when I go too far off track in libido loss-land, my DH gently pulls me back (sometimes, I admit, he does have to be a bit more emphatic). I have to remember that this is not all about me and my needs. His needs count as well. And that men of a certain age may have their own challenges (if you know what I mean). I have to get beyond all of the stuff; the baggage. Your mind is your best friend or worst enemy. You get to choose. Yes, indulge in the loss and physical changes for a short period. No denying that you must, but seek to move forward.

Cancer is the thief of joy. But trying to get your joy back or exploring how you feel is worthwhile. I should start a new topic elsewhere since I do find it valuable to talk about this aspect of getting through bc treatment. And whether it is listening to the newlyweds vent or how the veterans moved on, it's all important stuff. 

I did a search before and didn't come up with much other than the "scream cream" thread. (Dislike that prescription name) And its hard to discuss this with people you don't know. But I feel like I've been through the war with you ladies and this is just one more thing we will overcome. Even if it's in a soft pair of comfy cotton pjs instead of Victoria's Secret!

Okay I'll jump into the sex conversation too. I'm in my early 30s, I was diagnosed 3 months after DH and I got married, so this has been very important to me. I sure had problems by the end of chemo. Low libido, and vag problems. My onc encouraged me to see my ob/gyn, and she was very helpful. She had me try a few products over several weeks that helped a little (first Replens, and then RePhresh), and honestly I think it just took time (months) for my system to get where it needed to be again. Eventually my libido did come back and my lady parts are 90% back to normal. After DIEP, DH and I were not intimate for about 5-6 weeks. I was ready to try after week 4-5 but he was not. He still worries a lot about hurting me and I'm over four months out! So mentally he struggles with this. Mentally I struggle too but I have felt SO much better since recon. I am so pleased with how my results came out, even without having a nipple just yet. I'm dressing nicer, I'm paying more attention to my hair and makeup, I'm watching what I eat and trying to exercise regularly. Our sex life is not perfect nor is it as frequent as it was before BC, it is good. The numbness I have from DIEP is probably my most annoying thing at this point. So my advice to anyone struggling with this would be to see their ob/gyn, and also to be patient with your bodies. Yes, there are other ways to enjoy intimacy in a relationship, but if you want a better sex life, I don't think we should feel like we have to settle for less just because of breast cancer. It's hard to bring these things up to our doctors, but do it! It's worth it, and they've heard it all before anyway.

Betsy, so sorry to hear about your marriage. I've been divorced and frankly, even though my ex was a world class jerk, it was almost as hard to go through emotionally as cancer was. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

Good luck this week to OceanWarrior, Ridley, and damiana9!

I saw the nurse practitioner for my annual. At the end she asked if I was having vaginal dryness. I said yes. She didn't offer anything! Go figure! Why ask?!

I do recall reading the more you have sex the easier it gets. (I'm wondering if a man wrote that? Lol). Has to do with the stretching of the tissues. Personally haven't revisted sex since Diep. I will see if "the stars align" this week. Hubby has been incredibly patient in this category as well. So glad he and I went to NOLA for a few days prior to surgery, was like a second honeymoon without having the kids around. He still likes my breats even though they are "useless" to me. Yes, I do need to get over I am not the same woman and that he still desires me regardless.

Pat

Deb - you are so very right! Single life after Mx is a real challenge that married women really do not get. I say that as a married woman who was single for 10 years after her Mx. It is also very different for young women vs us mature gals.

thanks I will look for that thread. How do you find all these threads there's so many!

Question: anyone try acupuncture for any of the issues that you've had? I am dying to start yoga out and wondering if its too soon? I am healing on schedule and can lift 20lbs. I'm wondering if yoga would be ok or is it the same as working out in the gym? Any yogis?

Good discussions going on here. The openness and sharing is so inspiring and helpful to everyone.

Butterfleye, I go regularly for acupuncture and I am convinced it contributed to my very minimal side effects from chemo and my healing from surgery. However, it hasn't helped with the newly discovered seromas I have on each hip 11 weeks out! I will have to ask if there is an acupuncture point for fluid absorption when I see her on Wednesday.