OK; losing my nerve

percy4 · December 2013

I know there are so many of you who have gone through so much more than me, so please don't judge (you wouldn't). Lumpectomy a week away, and I'm losing my nerve. Yes; I sound like a centered and practical person, and I am. But in 9 days, my breast will be changed (for something that may have never hurt me), and, much more importently, I may find I have something more than I thought I already had. I already know the answer; be calm, take what Life gives you, do what you have to do . And I do really hope that this experience will give me a new perspective; one I haven't had in a while because of hard life these past five years. But I'm getting a little scared. Need a little bolstering up; here. Sorry. I know it's weak, and my (for now) prognosis looks good, but I'm sitting alone in my cold apartment; not even the cat (Felix) anymore now, and I'm afraid.

percy4 · December 2013

Have tried to be strong, but in the last five years I've lost my home of 20 years (which changed my relationships to my children, and theirs to each other), my garden; everything.. I lost my best friend to bone cancer, my cat (soulmate) died early (and horribly), my engagement was broken, I lost my Nanny business of 16 years, and other ability to make a living , after 40 years of working any day I wanted, due to the recession, and now this. I remember saying to my Mother, 2 months ago, that the only good thing about my Life was that there was not anything worse. And now, this. Still; I know I will live to be an old woman. I just always thought it would be an woman with two breasts. Is it too much to not want to be 56, poor, in debt, alone, AND maimed, and waiting to see if more happens? Guess I've hit my low. I have no man who's loved me for 20 years, and doesn't care. I had both kids before 20, and thought these would be my days. I guess I'm angry. Got to get over it, I know, but, tonight, it doesn't feel so good.

RMlulu · December 2013

Hi Percy

Breathe, you're not alone. Many brave warriors here and we all have our moments. In the beginning the wait and unknown are very surreal...the loss of the life we planned and now this journey. Challenge to be the hero of your life:)

Check out my profile...different journey...but very fortunate. Lx&snd&rads&HT...a slight dimple at 11 o clock, a B&D can't tell in clothes...glad to keep my girl. Scars hard to see:) Come a long way this past year.

Breathe you can do this, you will be fine. Focus on today. No need to rehearse something that may never happen. I lost 2 dear friends days before my dx...made it hard, but I learned so much about living and living well. Live intentional...live..laugh, yell, dance, love...you will be fine brave warrior! Tomorrow will be a better day!

Join us in the lumpectomy lounge.

(((Hugs)))

Cindy

percy4 · December 2013

And, now, unreasonably, I feel like even you-all don't like me. And I haven't even waited to see an hour for that; I'm melting down, clearly. I am a normal person. Must be having a melt-down. Good it's now, and not next week. Please; somebody say something, so I'm not alone. I don't tell the people around me so much, except the very closest, who I try to protect with optimism.

percy4 · December 2013

Thanks, MR. xx

percy4 · December 2013

Thanks, RM. xx

Ariom · December 2013

Hi RMlulu, so good to see you! How are you getting on?

Hi Percy! Of course you are scared. We have all been right where you are now. It is brutal, and it's hard to see anything positive while you're in this place. Great advice as always, from RMlulu!

I know you have had a rough time of it, but as weird as it sounds, you will feel better when you know exactly what's going on. It is the fear of the unknown that we don't do well!

I had a similar Dx to you, and I am 11 months out from my surgery and I am blown away, by how the time has flown, and just how much I have grown. My life has definitely changed, but not in a bad way. I have felt a shift and my usual stressful, wanting everything "done yesterday!" life has taken a positive turn. I think feeling that fear definitely shakes us to the core.

Try to take some time for yourself and do something you enjoy, I know it sounds hokey, but the worrying will not change the outcome, but it will wear you down. You will get through this Percy, and there will always be others here who will support and advise if you need it.

Come here often, you're not alone! (((Hugs across the ocean!)))))

percy4 · December 2013

Thank you so much, Dear. xx

percy4 · December 2013

^{Thank you, Ariom. I'm just a little scared, right now. Not my usual self, at all., I will come back to myself.}

RMlulu · December 2013

Good Morning Percy

Congrats Ariom on your 1 yr anniversary...yes many adjustments and discoveries...(((hugs)))

Percy some thoughts...waiting is the most difficult...so use your wait. Visit your BC center to discover what services are provided & avail yourself of them...support group...I needed to hear and share...exercise, meditation, nutrition, support&counseling. Make sure you have the best BC team and ask questions. Select an appointment buddy to go with you, ensure your questions are answered, hold your hand, shoulder to cry. Make a folder to hold all your files data...a go to file. Then go get a few items for self care after...zip front 2X larger sports bra, zip front top, plan your surgery outfit (yoga pants, zip hoody, flip flops) set up your nest.

Then do things that make your heart smile...soak those things in family friends...reach out...make a few 60 sec video clips to replay...believe me the wait is the worst...after you cross over you have a plan you feel the pre surgery wait stress lift.

Come join us in the lumpectomy lounge...December surgeries...there are so many other brave sister warriors ready to walk with you...together we laugh cry scream encourage support each other on this journey. Now breathe, blow some bubbles go for a walk, buy or plant a tree roses, smile at a baby or toddler in the mall grocery store, write 3 things you are thankful for and put in a gratitude box...most if all love yourself

(((Hugs)))

Cindy

ziggypop · December 2013

Hi Percy -

Of course you're scared. That's entirely normal - If you weren't anxious and feeling pretty low then we'd have to wonder if something was wrong with you. You might want to talk to your doc about some anti-anxiety meds, they do help at least some. It sounds like you have had some rough years - one thing I know is when people get this diagnosis it very often seems to be on 'top' of a lot of other things. I have come to realize that I have to 'treat' my emotional self as well as my cancer; I've been good about treating the cancer because the doc tells me what to do and I do it - "chemo" - did that. "Port" - did that, etc.

But now I have to do the things to treat 'me' not my cancer. Cindy is right - you have to be proactive about doing things to make yourself feel better. I've started making a list of things to do that are about helping myself - things to do just to get out of the house, things to do to calm myself down, and make myself feel better. Yes writing out things we are grateful for - that's a good one. Also thinking about what our own good traits are. But I know this isn't easy. We'll be around to help. Many, many hugs.

Beesie · December 2013

Percy,

You have what appears to be a small, low grade DCIS. This type of diagnosis might one day not even be considered breast cancer. There is a movement afoot to reclassify DCIS as a pre-cancer, and this type of low grade diagnosis could very possibly be moved out from under the DCIS umbrella.

Here's the thing though. Even if what you have were to be considered a pre-cancer, you would still want to have it removed. If you know that something has the potential to become more serious, why not take care of it while it's still harmless? So try to think of your surgery in that way - you are having a small surgery to save yourself from developing a serious breast cancer in the future.

Yes, it's possible that this lumpectomy could find something more, and it could lead to more surgery or even to a mastectomy. That can happen with DCIS. About 20% of diagnoses that are initially thought to be DCIS turn out to be something more (although usually just DCIS with a microinvasion, which is hardly any different). This 20% is an average, however. For someone with my type of diagnosis - more than 7cm of multi-focal high grade DCIS with comedonecrosis, the risk of finding something more is probably 40% or maybe even as high as 60%. For someone with your type of diagnosis - just 1 small area of grade 1 DCIS - the risk is probably less than 5%. So the likelihood of your diagnosis changing significantly when you have the surgery is very small. Of course you are going to be worried until you know, but don't let the fear take over. Think of this surgery as being the way to confirm that your DCIS is just a small problem, and think of it as being the way to get rid of the problem, hopefully once and for all.

As for your breast, yes, you will have a small scar. And in a few months, it will hardly be noticeable. And in a few years, it will have virtually disappeared. I had my first breast surgery, to have a large lump removed, when I was 16. Then another at 20. I never felt maimed by those surgeries. Believe me, no one ever noticed or cared. And then I surgery on my other breast prior to my diagnosis and finally, a MX (just too much DCIS in that small breast). I met my DH after my MX surgery. So trust me when I say that this is not the end and this will not define you and it will not dictate what happens in the future. This is just a pain-in-the-butt bump in the road that will be in your rear-view mirror soon enough.

(((Hugs)))

ballet12 · December 2013

Hi Percy, I'll echo what Beesie.

At the same time, I think the whole thing is more difficult for you because it sounds like you don't have a very solid support system. I'm glad your son will be spending time with you after the surgery, but you'll also need someone to accompany you to the hospital and remain there, as well.

The lumpectomy, itself, should be relatively easy, although everyone's experience is different, and everyone's pain tolerance is different. As I said before, I hope it all goes well for you. I've had six surgeries on my right breast. It wasn't until surgery number three that I noticed cosmetic changes, so you should be good with the first surgery, especially if it's relatively small.

Thinking good thoughts for you.

percy4 · December 2013

Thanks, ladies, for your wonderul support. Yes, last night was a bad night for me. I do feel better today, mainly because I am able to come here. xx You know, Beesie, while I realize that even if it's a precancer it needs to come out, I am not happy with the breast cancer label on my mediacl record now. All good under Obamacare, as one can';t be penalized for pre-existing conditions (isn't my timing perfect?), but the Republicans have tried to repeal this 41 times, and they will eventually come back into power. When they do, this label may really matter again, for insurance purposes. If all they find is low-grade DCIS, I'm thinking of battling to get the breast cancer diagnosis removed from my record (probably that won't fly, though). One of the 4 criteria for cancer is that it has to have the ability to invade, and pure DCIS doesn't. Well; time enough for that later. Even Dr. Lagios (I checked) believes that invasive or not, the lumpectomy is a no-brainer.

ballet12 · December 2013

Hi Percy,

Hopefully the pre-existing condition thing will be gone for good.

percy4 · December 2013

Amen!

percy4 · December 2013

I am so lucky to have found this forum. No matter how much I put out, it's always received with love, understanding, and real knowledge. I do have a loving family, just not that lives with me. My daughter apologized for her forgetting my date (she's inundated right now) and offered to postpone her retreat. I told her no, but it means a lot to me you offered to do it, I do have other family members, so all good (enough). I do have some family help to live through this time, and know I'm lucky about that, but they're not wealthy; the support will end sometime. I am hoping to get through this with some grace and some class. Your experiences and advice keep me real. I so appreciate it. Thank you so much. - P.

OK; losing my nerve

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