First holiday since dx

Gosh, I'm sry you are having to go thru this. It is hard. Do you have a significant other? If you do, maybe that person could be your "buffer" and tell everyone beforehand, that you appreciate their concern, but that you don't want anyone's sympathy or tears. They need to do their crying on their own time, not in front of you. You have enough to deal with keeping yourself going to not have to pick them up, too. ((HUGS))

Honestly, you are a better person than I am. I let my family know ahead of time that I did not want to talk about health issues around the holidays. I have been dealing with a mother going through chemo for colon cancer (good news is that she has had two separate breast cancers without mets) and now me and I did not want to have a family gathering that focused on cancer or anything negative. My first grand child was born in August so I asked my daughter-in-law to say a grace for dinner that focused on the baby. I did not want to see quivering lips or anything else. I think I would have walked away from the gathering if anyone got maudlin. We were also at a mountain house for the holiday and I cut my holiday short by a couple of days because I knew my family could only keep their lips zipped for a finite period. (I tried to get my brother to bring his new boyfriend to the family get together to deflect the tongue wagging about me but he wouldn't oblige.) Good luck and remember, it really is about what you need right now.

Oh, mouse9587 - that was probably the hardest part for me. After I got my diagnosis, it would be three months til my surgery, so there was plenty of time for well-meaning folks to come up and tell me their horror stories ("My neighbor's cousin's sister had...") or just hang on me and weep and sob.

The people that were closest to me, I tried to understand their fear, and write off their reactions to the fact that they loved me and worried about me. (I wasn't worried, my faith carried me through.)

But those who WEREN'T close to me, just irritated me. I would think "What part of this is about YOU?"

There were many times I just stepped back, gave them the unwavering stare, and asked them "Exactly how is this supposed to help me?" and of course, they'd sniffle and change the subject or walk away.

Here is an article that appeared in one of the threads here. Since I can't remember which one it was, I'm linking to the original article. It describes how not to say the wrong thing to a person with a serious illness. It's called the "Ring Theory" and the person who has been diagnosed is in the center of the circle, along with their immediate families if appropriate. That person can say anything they want to anyone outside the circle. But those outside the circle can only offer support to those inside the circle. When you see the diagram, you'll understand.

http://articles.latimes.com/2013/apr/07/opinion/la-oe-0407-silk-ring-theory-20130407

I get the pat on the back, your tough, 2 weeks after last chemo you will be fine. Or certain friends that sob the whole time I see them. Both are annoying. The first month after dx, it was too much, the phone calls & food. Now I am supposed to be over it! I had last chemo yesterday, I have avoided holiday get togethers already. Saving my energy to heal & exercise when I can..

Blessings - love the Ring Theory - Comfort In, Dumping Out. I had a friend like that - every time she looked at me she burst into tears. I finally ended up avoiding her until active treatment was over and my hair had pretty much grown back. I had the same feeling about her you had about the people who did that to you - "Just what part of this is about YOU??" And for those people who felt the need to tell me all the horror stories about aunts, mothers, first cousins' best friends' mothers who died of B/C! It finally got to the point when someone would start saying, "My aunt had breast cancer . . ." I'd cut them off saying, "If this doesn't have a happy ending I really don't need to hear about it right now." Usually they'd be chagrined enough to shut up.

Mouse - at least I could avoid people who did that to me. Not really an option when it comes to family. It should NOT be your job to comfort them! You may have to be blunt. I like Blessing's idea: "And exactly how is this supposed to help me??" Or you could just state flatly: "I don't need tears and pity right now - I need laughter and fun, and need to be treated just like you always treated me. If you must be a Negative Nelly, don't do it around me. Please leave the room until you have composed yourself. I don't need to see that." Also, it may get better with time. If last week was the first time they've seen you, then maybe it's a bit understandable. As they get more used to you, their reaction might get less strong. Find the fun outrageous people in the family and hang with them as much as you can.

I'm writing an article about how people living with cancer deal with the holidays. I've spoken with a social worker and she has tons of good ideas about how to do what's best for you - whatever that may be - whether it's talking about how you're feeling, starting new traditions (simpler ones!), celebrating what's important to you, all the while accepting that this year will be different because it will be impacted by cancer. How do you feel? Are you worried about the holidays? Will you be glad when they're over? Do you have any special plans? If you have any thoughts you'd like to share, please email me @ laurie@dailyRxstaff.com. I will honor you wishes about how you want to be described - either anonymously as a member of a breast cancer forum, your first or full name. Thank you in advance for helping me share ideas with our readers about how to best cope with the holidays.