It seems so unfair

I'm with you on the "unfair" thing.

I've been married to THE PERFECT man for 3 years--we did live together for six years before making it official: One wants to be really sure, right?

On the one hand, my own life was about as perfect as it could be. Oh, I could have wished that the renovations on my house were going faster, that I was making a little more money, that I could lose the weight I gained after I started cooking for him, that my dogs were a little easier to housebreak, but honestly, those were the WORST things going on in my personal life.

On the other hand, OMG my family--and we are CLOSE--have all been through so much over the past few years. One family member diagnosed from the get-go with stage IV breast cancer (at 27 years of age, and with a small child,) a brother who recently died (long battle with the hereditary version of diabetes; it was expected but that doesn't make it easier,) my father had a debilitating stroke, and my poor sweet mom who is in her 70's and has had cancer twice herself just has had more stress on her plate than anyone ought to handle.....the LAST thing I wanted to do was have to tell her that I, too, now have cancer. (In fact, I didn't tell her ANYTHING during all the tests and biopsies, because although I could have definitely used her love and support, she did NOT need to be worried if it turned out to be nothing.

The day my diagnosis became official, I actually went out into our backyard, sat alone in a lawn chair, and just looked up at the sky and had a chat with *my* God and even out loud said "Really? Now? Are you serious?"

That thing that everyone in here tells you though about how "it will get better?" It does. Not all at once and not all the time. But little by little, bit by wonderful bit, it does get better.

The BMX sucks, but not as bad as you think it will. Can't speak for reconstruction; I chose not to have reconstruction.

Just started chemo today, so the only thing I can say about THAT right now is that I have heartburn and I really wish it would go away. Well, that and I will add that I'll be glad when I get done with it. It's temporary. I can do it. I hope you don't have to, but if you do have to, you can do it too.

I'll probably also get the BRCA testing, and due to my cancer type, family history, etc., am probably looking forward to getting rid of all the female plumbing, but hell, at 49 years old, I'm not USING it for anything at this point; it just makes a week of my life more difficult every month due to cramps and generally feeling icky during my period. I will NOT miss this. My mother-in-law told me yesterday that she had a complete hysterectomy at 35 years of age and it was the best decision she ever made (you know, I don't know WHY she had a hysterectomy.) Her daughter--my sister-in-law- also had a complete hysterectomy a couple of years back; she's only in her early 30's, and SHE says "It's GREAT!" (Not sure why she had hers either---I will be sure and find that out over the next couple of days though!)

It's unfair, it sucks, and I gave myself permission to be really angry about the entire thing. I also gave myself permission to keep enjoying life anyway, because enjoying life anyway is the best revenge against cancer.

I had company for the Christmas when I was going through chemo. I was probably at my lowest point then, as far as fatigue & other side effects went. Everybody (grown kids, hubby, even my elderly mother) came together -- and took over, doing all the cooking & even the decorating! My husband ordered Christmas gifts from Amazon, already gift-wrapped. They made me sit in the recliner & take it easy! I was so grateful for them being there.

Remember, there is nothing you MUST do for the holidays. In fact, the only thing you MUST do while going through treatment is take care of yourself! And don't be afraid to ask for help!

I'm going to see how I'm feeling for the Thanksgiving thing, as much mentally as physically. I've posted all over the place about my anxiety issues and how I'm coping with them, so I won't go here again at this point, but....

Our thing is that I am very close to my family, and my husband is very close to his family. Our families get along very very well together and we COULD gather them all in one place, but unfortunately, my parents live just over an hour away from his parents, my step-dad suffered a stroke last year, has other serious health issues, and himself is having a lot of coping and depression issues (at 80 years old---that breaks my heart!) So obviously he's not up for traveling an hour just to eat turkey...

My husband's sister and brother both live in other states, and holiday schedules get sort of juggled around when they arrive, when

they are spending time with their spouses' respective families, etc., so we can't juggle THEM to my parents' house---and my mom and step-dad wouldn't be up to that anyway.

For pretty much all teh same reasons, we can't just bring them all to OUR house for the holiday--though that would be awesome.

So I'm going to play it by ear.

If I feel lousy, I'm staying home, and if I'm feeling REALLY lousy, my awesome husband will stay home with me. Otherwise, if I'm just achy or queasy--or like emotionally I can't handle the chaos--- but generally okay, I'm gonna send him on over to his family's house to do the holiday thing with them, and spend my day watching tv, sleeping, and playing computer games...and be THANKFUL that everyone understands that I might choose to do this.

If I'm feeling sort of okay, I'll go with him to his families house, because I know he'll bring me on home (it's only about 20 minutes away) if I'm feeling tired or if the chaos starts getting to me.

If I'm feeling GREAT!!!! then we'll go spend some time at his family's house, and then go spend some time at my family's house an hour away....and I'll come home and collapse lol. Otherwise, we'll just go have a late Thanksgiving with my family on Friday, Saturday, or Sunday---they've assured me that they'll all understand and be cool with that if that's what we do, and I know that they mean it....and that they will save me some chocolate pie, which is he main thing.

I'm HOPING we can do it all that day; and there is a chance we'll go to MY family's house instead of my husband's family's house, just because my step-dad is in such bad shape that I'm always afraid that every time we go there will be the last time I see him. He's been married to my mom since I was 7 years old, and while we never exactly had a "father-daughter" sort of relationship--he and my mom never tried to assume "disciplinary" roles over one another's kids---we do have a VERY special relationship. All my family are musicians--most of them anyway---and when the time came for me to pick up an instrument and learn to play, it was HIS: the upright bass fiddle--and he is very proud of what I accomplished with it, and the fact that made him proud is one of the most huge accomplishments of MY life. Funny how that works out, isn't it?

The Dan Fogelberg song "Leader of the Band" pretty much says it all---particularly the final verse and chorus.

I thank you for the music

And your stories of the road

I thank you for the freedom

When it came my time to go

I thank you for the kindness

And the times when you got tough

And, papa, I don't think I

Said 'I love you' near enough

The leader of the band is tired

And his eyes are growing old

But his blood runs through my instrument

And his song is in my soul

My life has been a poor attempt

To imitate the man

I'm just a living legacy

To the leader of the band

This isn't advice for you, just a note of how I'd probably handle it, if it's a risk vs. benefits thing.

I'd make a list of risks and how likely they were to occur.

Then I'd go down that list and ask myself "is this worse than the cancer?" If it was, I'd put a check beside it.

Once I got it on paper like that, I'd have a better idea of what I was really looking at. Might even add up the check marks, vs. the cancer risk itself.

Then, once all that was done, I'd probably go with whatever my gut told me to do.

Not much help, probably. But there it is.

Hi

have you asked for the oncotpye test post-surgery? This could help you in the decision making. This is hard around the holidays--I was dx around Halloween, had lumpectomy around Thanksgiving and then waited for weeks for results of oncotype and pathology because of the holidays. My oncotype was in the middle range, which was very helpful for me to decide to have chemo. It is not for everyone, but I figured I was relatively young and healthy and could withstand it. And I wanted to eradicate the cancer right then.... did not want to have to do it later (I know there are no guarantees, but this did help me cope mentally). I have young children, I was able to work throughout the treatment (I know not everyone can), but most importantly, as someone else said, I knew in my gut that this was the right thing for me--- not for everyone, but for me.

I tolerated it reasonably well, but there were hard parts and I hated losing my hair more than anything else. But I bought human hair wigs and went about my business, but I did miss my hair greatly. But, it grew back, better than ever, which I honestly thought would not happen....

Once you have all your data, a decision will be much easier to make.

hang in there... all the best