Newbie Stage IIb-IIIa

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tangandchris
tangandchris Member Posts: 1,855
edited June 2014 in Stage III Breast Cancer

I'm having a hard day today, I've posted a little in just diagnosed, but I feel like I need to move over here now. I'm feeling very depressed this week and then I feel guilty because I feel like this. Like I should be able to be strong and just kick this things ass! Anyway, I tend to struggle with depression/anxiety normally, so this has just amped it up about 100x's.

I really want to run away and pretend that this isn't really happening to me. I'm scared of the surgery and the treatments after. I was just diagnosed on 10/24 and I'm already worn out, how am I going to get thru the rest of this??

I truly don't think anyone around me gets this, how could they right? I feel alone, even though I've got tons of people asking to help. make sense?

 

Thanks for letting me vent.

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  • 4sewwhat
    4sewwhat Member Posts: 2,093
    edited November 2013


    One day at a time and you will be through this in no time. Once you get your final pathology and have a treatment plan in place things let up in your head. Unfortunately right now is just so many questions and not enough concrete answers. You decide what is best for you with your doctors. Easier said than done, I know! We have all been there and it sucks!


    Deep Breath! You got this. Gonna kick its ass to the curb in no time!

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited November 2013


    When I was first diagnosed and facing the prospects of surgery and treatment, it was all so overwhelming. Cancer was definitely not something I even wanted to educate myself about, but I felt I knew nothing so I forced myself to investigate. You are also facing this during the Holiday Season. That sucks.. I actually noticed the lump during the Holidays and went immediately to my doc right after New Years. It's the type of thing you just have to take one day at a time. Make sure you go to your doctors with someone. My DH was with me through the whole process. So glad his ears were in there listening to my docs.

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  • jenni__ca
    jenni__ca Member Posts: 461
    edited November 2013

    once i got a treatment planned out with my surgeon and onc i had an easier time dealing (easier not easy Winking)

    also talk with your doctors about what you can do to participate in your treatment such as exercise, planning what you will need for each stage such as easy to get in to clothes and pj's, a big mug for ice water, whatever ... take back what control you can

    i'll second the others ... one day/step/minute/whatever you can manage at a time (keep on swimming swimming swimming)

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  • hopefour
    hopefour Member Posts: 459
    edited November 2013


    I remember saying to myself..."no one else is coming to show up for me, this is my life so I better show up and fight!!" I also remembered that saying that goes something like " you'll be strong when being strong is all you can be"...thats true, being weak was not an option to get through surgery, chemo, rads..you will find the strength for the moment than for the next moment and the next moment...soon it will be behind you! I still can't believe this is my life...still seems unreal, but it is and so far each moment I've had the strength I've needed!! Please keep in touch!!

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  • Momine
    Momine Member Posts: 7,859
    edited November 2013


    Tang, I think we have all been there. I never took so much as a sleeping pill prior to cancer. But after my DX, I would wake up at 3AM in full panic mode, on a regular basis. A friend told me to get some xanax and I did. I only took it a few times, but it was a lifesaver.


    When I told my surgeon, a bit sheepishly, about the xanax, he told me it was a fine idea and that most patients ended up needing some chemical support in the beginning. He also told me that if the panic persisted past a month or so, to let him know so he could get me some counseling.


    It is a bitch, and I think most cancer docs recognize that it is a difficult DX to come to terms with. Try also to get some exercise and get outside. I found both helpful. The treatment will not be as bad as you imagine. There will be some hairy moments and some unhappy days, but there will also be plenty of good times. Savor those.

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  • Karina121293
    Karina121293 Member Posts: 370
    edited November 2013

    Tang, so sorry you have to join us. What you feel now is so common. I was living a nightmare the first few weeks. Then when the active treatment started , I somehow went with the flow. Cancer is still on my mind day and night now too, but I am not terrified like in the beginning. Read here a lot, it will definitely help you meeting so many survivors and who understand you completely. I wish you good luck with the treatment and keep us posted.

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  • tangandchris
    tangandchris Member Posts: 1,855
    edited November 2013


    Thanks ladies!

    I have to remind myself that I felt my lump for the very first time on 10/12/13, just a little over a month ago. That is how quickly this has all happened, I was officially diagnosed on 10/24/13. Today I'm feeling better, somewhat because I'm not home alone today. I work from home, which is good and not so good at times. My husband is off today so he is here, it helps just having someone else in the house. How did ya'll deal with small children? I have a 4 year old that I'm struggling to deal with too.

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  • Karina121293
    Karina121293 Member Posts: 370
    edited November 2013

    Tang, my children are 23 and 22, but when I was diagnosed, I really wished they were small in the sense that they didn't understand my pain and thus don't suffer with me. But I know it's hard looking after a four year old on top of the diagnosis. If you have parents, friends who would volunteer to help, it would great. Ah, this is a crazy journey, but you will adjust, so that everything is in place. I used to make lots of semi ready food and freeze them before each chemo, surgery. Then I didn't have to bother much with bulk shopping and cooking. Whatever you feel comfortable with, just remember that this is the time you should be good to yourself. Hugs to you.

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  • tangandchris
    tangandchris Member Posts: 1,855
    edited November 2013


    Well, I have a 4 yr old and an almost 21 yr old! lol...so, I can understand what you are saying karina. It's nice that my baby doesn't really know what is up, but she will soon know something is different after my surgery and then once chemo starts.

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  • RosesToeses
    RosesToeses Member Posts: 721
    edited November 2013


    Tang, I think we all hear you, we've all been there at the start of this and it is overwelming and frightening. You don't need to be any sort of buttkicking warrior chick, you just have to take it one day at a time and just do whatever your doctors have for you to do that day. And over time the days will add up and you will get through this. ((hugs))

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  • azs40
    azs40 Member Posts: 99
    edited November 2013


    Hi...Tangandchris, you can do this. I was diagnosed with Stage III bc five years ago on August 19. If you were to tell me back then that there would come a day when I would feel "normal" again, I would have said it would never happen. Every day was veiled with this sense of doom. My daughter was 2 years old back then and I prayed all the time that I could see her off on her first day of kindergarten, be around to listen to her and her friends playing, get her into girl scouts, all the stuff that I wanted to be here for. I'm happy to say that I've been here to see all of it, an so much more. There are no guarantees for anyone, but I want you to know that there is life and "normalcy" and all that beyond this. You can do this. One day at a time. Focus on your own story. Don't listen to all the horror stories. Just put your head down and plow through.

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  • jennyboog
    jennyboog Member Posts: 1,322
    edited November 2013

    Makes total sense!  Been there done that, been there felt that :)  It's not easy but doable, you will manage and you will get through this.  Never feel guilty for feeling that way.  You will not be strong everyday and that's ok, you're entitled to have "pity parties" and you will have them.  They will come and go just as waves do in the ocean, as long as you don't stay there and "party" too long.  Take each day at a time and sometimes each hour, this is all new right now and you have a long road ahead where you'll be dealing with a lot of emotions but before you know it a month will be done, then a year, then two.  I was a complete basket case at the beginning and numb half the time, then tx ended and I was one again.  It's ok to use something to cope also, I was on Paxil for a while, if you need something get it, it does help.  We're here if you need us, this is a great site and it got me through some dark days so come often.  Sending you hugs and wishes as you join us here.

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  • Momine
    Momine Member Posts: 7,859
    edited November 2013


    Jennyboog, I agree on the pity parties and I think it may actually be important to allow yourself to be upset once in a while. It is a lot to process. I remember getting the DX call after my MRI, and then I called DH. I actually cried on the phone to him, something I have never done before or since.

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  • lisa137
    lisa137 Member Posts: 569
    edited November 2013


    Being "strong" doesn't mean you have to be all happy and cheerful all the time. Being "strong" just means carrying on. It means recognizing that sometimes you might need some help, whether that's talking to someone, venting here, getting anti-anxiety or anti-depressants, and asking for, and getting that help. It means accepting the fact that sometimes you just can't find a damn thing to be happy about, but also accepting the fact that those times are temporary, and will pass, and you'll get through them. For me, being strong has sometimes meant putting my head on my husband's shoulder and crying and crying and letting him be strong for me.


    I didn't get it at first either; women that I know who have been through it already would say to me "you're strong," and I'd think "I"m not!" Now I think I get it---I'm strong because I'll get through it even though it's really really difficult.


    After all, if it were *easy* I wouldn't need to be strong. And I'm gonna get it through it. And so are you. :)

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  • josgirl
    josgirl Member Posts: 231
    edited November 2013

    tangandchris, I was diagnosed in June and just finished chemo.  The time you are in right now is the absolute hardest (at least so far in my opinion).  Once you start treatment and get more knowledgeable it does get easier and the truly dark and scary moments are less frequent.  I still have them but can control them a little more and they come less often.  In the weeks between hearing my lump was likely bc and getting the diagnosis was the worst.  Once I got the diagnosis I actually felt better (but I am a researcher type so narrowing my possibilities helped).  I am a worry wort and a classic type A control person.  This is tough for me on many levels.  But at the end of the day I put my head down and one foot in front of the other and holy crap chemo is over and first day of rads was yesterday.  September feels so long ago and at the same time I can't believe it is November and the 'worst' part is over.  But this process has made me (a go go go person - stressing always about the future) into a tiny bit more :) of a enjoy the moment person.  But the days do go by.  The best thing I did at the beginning though was to get a caringbridge site (or any blog).  I was SOOOO tired calling everyone and telling them all the info and that site made it so much better and I could actually spend my precious phone time talking about my fears and concerns and not data.  That way I got real support and could disseminate info at once.  I was just so tired of repeating myself (sure you are too) and at the same time every time I did I got super anxious.  Anyway that's my biggest piece of practical advice. Oh and there are some children's books on breast cancer - might be a good thing to look into for your little one.  My daughter is 2 and the only impression this has made on her is she notices my many 'owies' and kisses them.  Sequence - points, says mommy owie, pulls my shirt down, and kisses.  Makes me feel better every time!  Be glad for your four year old as she will help you forget what you got!  Truly feel for you and this time but it will pass.....

     

    azs40 - I was diagnosed in June and my daughter turns 2 next month.  Your thought process mirrored (and still does when I get down) mine.  This is not something I would wish on anyone but when all is said and done the absolute scariest thing I feel is having my precious daughter grow up without me.  Not that I am the world's greatest mom (at all!!) but I am hers.  I have been blessed to still have my mom and a close relationship at that.  Something I want to mimic more than anything with my daughter.  The fear is less now than when diagnosed but I guess will only truly go away when I am in my 90s and playing with my grandchildren.  I pray so hard for that reality and simultaneously not to forget I am living now and appreciate her growing up!  It is a hard thing to balance.  If you have any advice...

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  • pupfoster1
    pupfoster1 Member Posts: 1,484
    edited November 2013


    (((Hugs))),


    I am sorry you have had to find this group, but you are in the right place for support. There's no right or wrong way to get through this. You just do it. And you will, like some others said, one day at a time. On days I was feeling really bad, I kept repeating to myself, "this is just temporary, this is just temporary", over and over.


    Also, refer to my new post (Happy Thanksgiving). I was dx in September 2009 and just had surgery, awaiting chemo.


    Hang in there, we'll be here for you!


    Sharon

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  • positivenegative
    positivenegative Member Posts: 106
    edited November 2013

    tang, i  have a 4 and 10 year old.  my 4 yr old was only 3 when i was diagnosed.    he had a clue from jump something was up just with crying, lumpectomy, and bmx.  we  used  the word cancer with  both kids.    we got a bookk  on explaining cancer for litttle tikes.  we read  the book with him severall tiimes and talked about cancer and treatment.  thhe 10 yr old obviously needed a different  talk.  i check in with him daily.  we got our  heads shaved together.  he gets sad and worried but we talk openly about feeelings same thing with our 10 yr old daughter.   hope this  helps.  welcome to thee new world...

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  • Jodi040812
    Jodi040812 Member Posts: 383
    edited December 2013


    tang- I am in the scary place right now. Just got back from MD Anderson yesterday. Head back Wednesday for all scan reports. I was Dx 11-14 IDC and DCIS. I had 3 tumors. Largest one was 2.1 and the other was 1.4. The DCIS didn't have a size on report do some reason. I had 7/9 nodes and the under armpit node was 4 cm! Has a BDM Nov 20 and the surgeon said go to MDA ASAP when the drains came out. They came out Monday I went MDA Wednesday. First day I cried my heart out because the oncologist and surgeon both made me feel like an idiot for have surgery although that was the immediate recommendation of MJ breast center. I have never felt so down in my life! I have a 9, 4 and 1(just turned 12-10-12) daughters. I just want to live! And they made me feel horrible for it following their rules of chemo first then surgery. Questioned why I did both since left had no signs. Again- I was in survival mod and what does it matter now?


    They did bone scan , X-ray, ct, and ultrasound on my arm to make sure the surgeon of the lymph nodes. Then they checked around my neck and saw nothing suspicious. But, right under collar bone on the right there was one. Fine needle came back suspicious cells. That was my last 10 minutes at MDA after all 3 days last 10 minutes basically said you still have it. Just praying no mets. Every news has been bad. I don't think I can take anymore bad news. I am going to contact the counseling services at MDA immediately when we arrive next week no matter what the outcome may be. So yesterday we drove 7 hours home and climbed in bed with my 9 and 5 year old and held them and cried and cried. They were asleep. My baby is at my sister's 4 hours away with RSV so I can't get her!! Hopefully we will be done Thursday and I can go get my baby and then go home with any just any kind of good news.


    So- Tang! Sorry for the long vent! I understand completely! I am losing my mind as well;)

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