Oh, yeah.  When I told a few people, the reaction I got was, "... breast cancer?  Wow!  You can get new boobs ... for free!"  I mean, seriously?

So sorry you had to get such inappropriate reaction's. I guess there is something to the saying "you can pick your friends but not your family". Please use this site to vent, ask questions and get reassurance. You have to remember right now "IT's ALL ABOUT YOU" !!!! Be selfish and do what you need to do. iIt's hard for us as times being mother's but its what you need to do !!

We are all here for you !!

I agree people can say the stupidest things. I'd give your daughter some time. Blaming you for getting breast cancer is her way of dealing with it right now. Of course, it isn't right but she's probably scared of losing you and fear does crazy things to people. If she continues to be non-supportive then I would have a talk with her about how you need her and if she can't do that you need to focus on you. When my cancer came back, my son was furious at all doctors, even the ones that never treated me before. He was scared and angry, he's gotten over the angry part..he's still scared though. Try not take your daughter's comments into your heart, I know it's hard not to, but she probably didn't mean what she said and may even regret it. Time will tell whether or not she really blames you or if she reacted badly due to shock, anger, and fear. I hope the holidays for you are a happy time and your family gets its act together and supports you.

I am sorry to hear of your diagnosis.

I am also sorry your daughter reacted that way. Likely she is scared and trying hard to separate herself from your experience ("if I do all this right...I won't get cancer too!") but at 29 she also ought to know a lot better about taking some responsibility for her feelings here. I was 26 when my mother was diagnosed and the last thing I could imagine was blaming her! Of course, we are all different but that is just not a very supportive reaction.

Really, the biggest risk factor for getting breast cancer is being a woman (men of course can also get breast cancer, but it is far less common). 90% of breast cancers are sporadic, leaving only 10% to be hereditary. Many different things can create the genetic mutations in cells required to "trigger" cancer (hereditary mutation, exposure to radiation, etc). There is still much debate about how various lifestyle choices may affect or not affect risk and whether they can apply across the board to individuals or to all "types" of breast cancer or not. I do sincerely doubt the occasional glass of wine is to blame, however!

My mother and grandmother were both of healthy weight, both had their multiple children at a young age and were done having all children by 30, both breastfed their children for a combined number of years, neither smoked, very, VERY rarely drank, never took birth control pills, or hormone replacement therapy, were physically active, were vigilant about breast health (my two maternal great-grandmothers also were dx'd with BC) and they both got breast cancer before they even hit 50.

I eat healthy, exercise like a maniac, am a very healthy weight, do not smoke, have a drink less than once a month....(no kids or breastfeeding though...child-free) and still am considered high risk based on my family history.

Please don't take your daughter's quick reaction to heart and blame yourself.

If your mother had breast cancer, you and your daughter (and other children) may want to think about talking to a genetic counselor, as well.

waterdog, why don't you send your daughter an email with a link to this American Cancer Society webpage?

What are the risk factors for breast cancer?

You can say that it might help her understand better what the risk factors are for breast cancer, and as she can see from the page, the greatest risk factor is simply being a women, and the next greater risk factor is getting older. Next there are a bunch of other risk factors that we can't control - our genetics and family history, whether or not we have dense breasts, our menstrual history, etc.. Relatively speaking, the lifestyle factors are all low risk factors.

Since both you and your mother have had breast cancer, this puts your daughter at greater risk, so it is important that she understand this and understand that even with the best possible lifestyle, she needs to be vigilant because she too is at risk. You don't want to scare her, of course, but I think - for your sake and hers - you might want to educate her.

Waterdog, I think your daughter was so blindsided by the diagnosis that she just said anything that came to her head without thinking. This was just when you told her, not when she'd had time to think. I'd cut her some slack on this one.

If she should say something like this again, then just agree and say, "Yes, you're right, I picked the wrong mother".

Leah

Waterdog, I've been thinking about you all day. It's so hard to be diagnosed with this & then the reactions that people have just make you want to scream sometimes. I was thinking that all the strange reactions we get (and everybody gets them) are based in fear. We (meaning people in general) are afraid of illness so we want to imagine that it's under our control. If we do the 'right' things, then it won't happen to us, and if it does happen to us and we do the 'right' things - everything will be okay. I'm going to go out on a limb here and place a bet that your daughter will come around. In the meantime, I wanted to come back and just say that I'm sorry you're going through this & there a lot of people here who do know with absolute certainty that there was nothing you did that caused it and also know just how you are feeling right now. Many, many hugs.

So sorry your daughter reacted that way.  I agree with the others that she is frightened by your diagnosis.  I hope she comes around.  When I was going through chemo I told my sisters they would have to be diligent in getting their mammograms because our mom also had it.  One of them said "we don't have to worry.  We eat right and exercise.".  It sounded like she felt it was mom's and my fault we got it.  When the sis that said that was diagnosed a year later, I kept my mouth shut.  You can't go wrong taking the high road.  Best of luck to you.

Let me echo what everyone else has already said so well; we just got an unlucky draw. I am one of those who didn't do everything "right" - drinking, smoking, not exercising enough and on and on so maybe I "deserved" cancer whereas the people who lived the healthy lifestyle did not? My sister has BC too. She fits the healthy lifestyle at least she didn't smoke and rarely drinks but the bottom line is my mother had BC at age 68. Her aunt had BC - not sure how old she was. Both of us apparently carry the gene. Both of us were DX early and for both of us, for now, we are okay. So far, so good. The so called criteria for being high risk as far as having children at a young age, when you start, etc., I don't fit any of those so called factors to get the dreaded BC. The fact is they simply do not know why some of us get it and others with stronger risk factors, do not. Ditto with lung cancer for people who don't smoke getting it and others who smoked their entire lives, do. All we can do is play the hand we are dealt. Of course your daughter is scared and wants somebody to take responsibility for it -and that would be you. Perfectly natural, albeit it hurtful. Don't put a lot of stock in what she says. My youngest son had a really hard time, at first, with my DX. He is still anxious but not as scared. God has a plan for us. We just don't know what it is. Keep the faith and keep us posted. Diane

Hi waterdog, I may have to agree with some of the other ladies that comment, that this is her way of showing her fear. I really don't think she meant it in a evil spirit way. But I'm sure she's just as scared and afraid as you are. I thank God my family and friends surrounding me have talked nothing but life into me after I told them my dx. I was the one mad why me, afraid, telling ppl the family curse got me.. (mother mastectomy, aunts mastectomy, grandmother also) so to me it's a family curse. And out of me and my four sisters we always said we where playing musical chairs to this disease, and who would get hit first. Well as I have known I'm the first victim. I think I'm more negative with words to myself then anyone around me. I'm trying to change my mindframe, and just pray for the best outcome all the way around. At this point you can't think and stress yourself over ignorance of someone else. You have a life to save and that is YOURS! Try not to look for the apology but look at it as their afraid also as family members.