Relationship Stress

momarcela · July 2006

I didn't know where else to turn to to vent so I came here ... My live in BF of almost 2 years is having a really hard time right now and I am growing resentful - For some things he has been right there for me throughout everything since DX in May - Masectomy in June - Cervical Surgery 2 weeks later - expander issues, etc. He has been to most doctors appointments with me and on the surface all looks well - but ... emotionally he has such a hard time dealing with the fact that our life has changed - our sex life has been non-existent since right before masectomy (and the doctor said no sex for 6 weeks after cervical surgery) - and honestly - sex is the furthest thing from my mind right now - I do however need affection but he is growing more distant - He seems to get mad at me alot - and when I ask him to talk about this he tells me he misses what we had before I "got sick" - He is always tired and after work would rather plop in front of the TV and go to sleep - I am so lonely and at the same time frustrated - I feel like I am having to apologize for having cancer and altering his old happy life - But ... I can't change my reality - it is what it is - and right now I really need a pillar to lean on and someone to boost me - The problem is that our relationship has always been centered on my being the strong, organized, even tempered, person - always bringing laughter and joy - and I just can't turn that on too often - I am not depressed - and I am truly working on getting back to a relatively normal life but I understand that normal now and tomorrow is not the same as what normal yesterday was -
THis isn't like going through all of this with a husband of 10-20 years - We are still a fairly new relationship and I am afraid we aren't going to make it - Sometimes I feel like screaming "Not everything is about you - I NEED you to be strong and help me - not the other way around!" But that just fuels an already tense relationship -
I am sooo tired - and as much as I love him - I wonder sometimes if it would be easier on me to go through this on my own - so I only have one person to carry instead of 2 -
I know you all won't have the magic answer ... but like I said - I needed to vent before I explode - and I really don't feel comfortable doing it anywhere else - I can't tell my family (they live in MD) because they are so judgemental - I would only be adding fuel to the fire - They would judge him resent him - and I do truly understand that I am not the only one going through the ups and downs with cancer - Maybe I should find a support group for couples so we can talk with other couples that are going through this? Any ideas would be welcome ...
Although sometimes I think that if I can just have sex with him then he will be OK - Is that not the dumbest thing ever? Appease him sexually so he cheers up and is better able to be there for me???
If any of you have gone through this PLEASE write ... I need to hear that this is normal - transitional - and not permanent - As much as I love my man - I need a partner strong enough to carry me for a while - not forever - just a while - Is that a reasonable request or am I just having a pity party???
Thanks for listening,
Marcela

Hattie · July 2006

Hi Marcela. Sometimes I think it is worse being the support person -- they have less support in coping than we do, and they don't know what to "Do" whereas we have a long list of stuff we have to do.

See if he will read "The Breast Cancer Husband" (it's for bfs too and it is helpful for a lot of guys because they don't usually talk to others but can read and get support that way--my husband and I both read it and found it really helpful).

A support group even just for you would be helpful.

My husband had a lot of support from co-workers and friends. Where does your bf get support?

It helps to take things just one step, one bit at a time. What do you need right now? Can you nap together, veg out together, do you need to be alone? You need to take care of yourself as best you can. Let him know specifically what you need right now. Most men I know want to "fix" things and get anxious when they can't. It helped me to talk to my husband about the big things that we didn't really want to face (like dying and the lack of intimacy thing and exhaustion)--it was hard but it helped us connect.

It's probably not believable to you now, but this will pass and someday cancer won't be ruling your life. I think it is normal to feel as you and your bf do. It's probably the hardest thing to have to deal with in a relatinship.

take care,
--Hattie

sccruiser · July 2006

Oh Marcela,
I am so sorry you are going through such a tough time. I think it is normal. I think you should consider some couples counseling. And maybe even your bf could consider some therapy for himself. Financially, that can be tough unless your insurance will cover it. The support group idea is a good one. Are there any breast cancer agencies near you. The reason I ask is there is a Katz Cancer Center connected to our local hospital, and they offer all kinds of support groups. Perhaps there's one for women recovering from bc that you could attend.

I am glad that you feel comfortable venting on the board. This is what we are here for. I read your post, and my heart went out to you. I just had to write to you. I hope that you and your bf survive this. It sounds like he is basically a really good person and loves you a lot. This is a huge, huge thing to deal with. Not many men stick around for the long haul as we have seen from others' posts.

My experience is similar to yours, in that my hubby is very supportive, but exhibiting some of the same behaviors as yours. And we've been married for 36 years!! He has been there for me through all of my journey--all the doctor appts & surgeries. It has really put a lot of stress on our relationship, and no sex here for quite a while. I see him as being depressed, and on several occasions he has agreed to see a therapist, but never follows through. I am in counseling, and it has helped me tremendously. I am learning that I have to take care of me first. I too am a person who wants to make sure everyone else is happy and taken care of. Well, we have bc and we have recovery issues, and we have all the "stuff" around bc that comes with us. Our lives have changed, and there's no going back. We aren't the same person inside that we were before bc--and we definitely are not the same outside. Change is hard for some people. I hope you will take heart in my words here, and know that you aren't having a pity party at all. These are the ups and downs of our rocky road. It will get smoother, and hopefully your bf will see that some therapy will work and help your relationship get stronger and more loving.

Sorry for rattling on, but I was soooo moved and with tears in my eyes, that I just had to respond.
Hugs, and always a listening ear here or PM me!
grace

jgrjunque · July 2006

Marcela, it is okay that this is all about you right now! I know -- trust me, I know how hard it is to switch from strong one to needy one, but you really need to put yourself first. If he will go to counselling, he may find the strength he needs to be there for you. If he won't go, well, he is telling you more about his character and his worth than he has before...

sccruiser · July 2006

Marcela,
How are you doing? Have been thinking about you all day? jgr is right. It is so hard for the guy to understand that. My hubby didn't get it for a long time. He was there for all the appts, as I said earlier--but his problem was that my problem was "fixed" by the treatment plan. He didn't understand that I am forever changed. It's not that I'm dwelling on bc or the le, but I do have to consider that I most likely will develop bc somewhere in my body in the years to come. Hubby is relying on the less than 10% chance of bc in the other breast.
I hope you are taking care of yourself and keep talking about it. I'm here for you.
Take care and hugs,
grace

momarcela · July 2006

Thanks to all of you for your words of encouragement and permission to vent - Today has been a tough day - tough pain day also due to 100cc's yesterday - I feel like my chest wall is caving in - sometimes I wonder if it isn't anxiety added to the expander that accentuates the pain -
I am learning so much about myself throughout this ordeal - and not all of what I learn is good! Hattie - I think you are right - being the support person is tough - After venting with you all and reading your posts and pm's - I sat down with my bf and we talked a good looooong talk - and I listened alot too - Actually we both listened - He is agreeable to finding some sort of couples support and I will look into it tomorrow through the local ACS - We have a long and hard journey (as a couple) ahead of us but I think that communicating this evening was a good start - It wasn't until after reading all of your perspectives that I felt ready to talk about our feelings (not just my feelings or his feelings). One of my biggest problems is feeling guilty for having cancer - and I don't think anyone has tried to lay a guilt trip on me - it's just my own sense of failure in some way - and one of his biggest problems is wanting to fix me and not being able to --- Not to mention that even though cancer just stormed into our lives - life forgot to stand still so we could adjust - The day to day stresses of running a business, raising kids, paying bills, cleaning, etc... etc.... are still here and I haven't been pulling my usual weight in our team - so the bulk of it falls on him - which leaves him drained and more stressed - because he's used to me taking care of so much -
Anyway ... I am rattling on and on again - One day at a time - I don't know if he is strong enough to go the distance yet but I am not ready to quit on us either -
- And Grace - you hit the nail on the head - mammogram (check) - biopsy (check) -surgery (check) - expanders in (check)- cervical surgery (check) path reports in (check) - tamoxifen started (still waiting to see if I am genetically predisposed to clotting) - fear of recurrence (check) - getting on with my life (not even close!)
(and of course the underlying fear that I fear even verbalizing - if I leave him - or he leaves me - who will want me now - I am not complete - I am damaged goods blah blah blah blah blah!)
Thanks soooooo much for today - We may be spread all over the US (and beyond) but I feel like you all are sitting next to me holding my hand - for that I am eternally grateful.
Lots of love and prayers,
Marcela

dash · July 2006

whinefest warning----
I hate it, Marcela, but I am going through the same as you right now with my husband of 17 years. He started out going to my appts and being super wonderful but now 'can't', he went on a tirade this week about my upcoming mastectomy and how he'll have to make the time up at work if he brings me. I don't understand the pressure he's under. etc...At this point I am probably going to have to drive myself to the hospital and figure out who can bring me back. I do not want someone doing anything for me in a begrudging manner. We've had problems of this sort in the past few years and sometimes I wonder if it's time to part ways. SOmetimes the amount of my worries seem to much to bear.
I am the strong one always and I have no one to lean on in my life--no mother(died), sisters(don't have) or sisters-in-laws(who actually care)--friends live far and can't help. In fact, I emailed my brother's wife who lives a mile from me and neither he nor she responded--I know she can't handle any of it though I pursposely sent out a very positive 'I will get thru this even stronger' kind of email. But even if I had all of that--I want my husband. I want him to kiss me before he leaves for work and massage my back and generally baby me a bit. I certainly babied him through his 2 back surgeries and pneumonia and every crisis he's had. I do have one cousin who has been more helpful emotionally than she or I knew she could be but she lives far too.

I thank God for this site because with it and the wonderful people on it, I do feel stronger and less alone. {{{{Hugs for you, me and every other woman who feels alone}}}}

Sandra1957 · July 2006

Wow! Ladies it seems like so many of you have so much to handle. Your strength is awesome. My bet is that most of these guys are just scared and don't know how to verbalize or show their fear. Also, most of us women on these boards are "take charge" women. Our men aren't used to us being needy, but we do have needs. How many of us have trouble expressing our own fears and needs, and are able to verbalize those needs? Sometimes a quiet talk, apart from the hustle and bustle of day to day stuff, to share our fears and telling them exactly what we need might work.

Bayyore - If you live anywhere in So. Cal., I'd be more than happy to drive you to and from your surgery.

lini

MIdb · July 2006

From the guy's point of view....I also wish things could be the way they were before Ruth got bc. I have a picture on my desk that was taken shortly after we were married. On one hand it is my favorite picture because the look on her face is beyond angelic! We were younger, and had years and years in front of us. Eleven years later, she was diagnosed. Now, the picture also brings me pain. Our plans for the future had to be instantly, dramatically, and permanently changed. Oh, how I wish we could go back! I know she would rather live in that time than this as well, but we both know that this is our current reality, and we must deal with it.

I admit (and Ruth knows) there are times when I do want to run away. Part of that is my temperament. I avoid confrontation and do not like to deal with unpleasant things. I cannot stand to see her in pain and feeling sick. I sometimes think the only reason I stick around is because I do not want her to go through this alone. If she has to have someone there, I want it to be me. Right now she needs me more than she has ever needed me before. Last August, she was so sick, I had to help her by doing things I never ever thought I would have to do, such as wipe her after she went bathroom. Now, I just have to move, lift and do other things that she doesnt have the strength to do.

I really, really miss the intimacy that is no longer there. Well, it is still there, but just takes a different path. Sex became just laying next to each other. That devolved to me sitting on her bed (in a different room), while she lay there. Now, I have to sit in a chair next to the bed, and stroke her hair. We still hold hands, hug and kiss (the hugs are much gentler now). I honestly think our love is much stronger now.

This is a real test of your relationship. I know a bunch of guys who would (or in some cases have) cut and run. Too many guys place far too much value in the vessel, rather than the contents. Sure, Ruth keeps her boobs in a box. But we even have some fun with that once in a while. Like the time I mis-place the box. It is not every husband who gets in trouble with the wife for losing her boobs! You and your bf must, and I mean must, find ways to get back some of the fun and sparkle in your lives. The fun, like the intimacy will be different, but once you get it to click, it make the relationship better than it ever was before.

cowgirl · July 2006

I am so sorry you gals are going through this. I really have no advise except to pray for you. It is a journey not a sprint, and any other stress will not make your healing easier. I wish I could place you in a bubble until you are healed, but I can't. Vent away here, your pain is real and your need to talk is real too.

Mid I don't know what to say, my husband either didn't feel that way or didn't tell me. He was patient and kind. I felt his strength when I was weak. Our relationship got stronger through BC, but we both fought hard to stay close. I will pray for you and your DW.

dash · July 2006

Lini--that did me in--It was a meltdown kind of day anyway. Thanks for the offer but I couldn't be much farther from you--I'm in NJ. {{{HUGS}}}

Sandra1957 · July 2006

Oh... I wish I could help..

momarcela · July 2006

We are going to a support group together tomorrow at 7pm - I'll let you all know how it goes -
Bayore - I am so sorry you are going through all of this on TOP of everything else - I didn't realize when I posted my own whinefest that so many can relate - Illness seems to bring out the best and worst in all of us and truly puts relationships to a test like no other - I know how you feel (not just with hubby) but with friends and family - surgery is over and I'm still alive so time to move on - get over it - I actually feel like I am bothering others when I talk about my journey - THANK GOD for you all - I would have gone insane by now if I couldn't type, talk, cry, laugh and share with all of you. And don't you dare even think of driving yourself - it's your time to demand what you need - tough shit if he's stressed -
My BF surprised me today with something very thoughtful - He called when I was in line at the grocery store trying to figure out how I was going to unload all the bags from the car since no one was at home and my boob was throbbing - pushing the cart once it was full was a chore today - I pulled into the driveway and there he was - ready to unload all the bags - I think our talk last night sunk in and today he has been tender and supportive - (gotta give the guy credit when credit is due)
Anyway ... MIDB - I am going to share your post with my BF - Your wife is one lucky lady - because you are so honest and in touch with your own emotions - That's usually the biggest obstacle with the hubbies/boyfriends/partners (whatever the title) -
THank you again and again and again for listening and giving me your shoulders ... and for some good advice - Even if I were single - I know I am not alone -
and Bayore ... when you need an escape - I have room for you in Florida anytime ... we can have a whine/wine fest sitting on the beach!
Lots of love and prayers,
Marcela

Shemp · July 2006

I couldn't contribute in a helpful way, but I'm glad things are looking up today and that he's willing to go to a group meeting with you. That says a lot.

dash · July 2006

Marcela,that wine/whinefest sounds great! Maybe that's what I'll picture whenever I get stressed--the thought of it certainly makes me smile. I am glad that you are attending a support group together--I think it might help a lot. I mentioned marriage counseling and my guy said he didn't have the time, waste of money etc. But a support group...wonder if I can find one around here...
Best wishes

b445 · July 2006

My hubby has tried to be supportive and has really taken on more of the things I use to do. I am the strong one, but he also knows I need him to be strong too. We are going through some very ruogh financial times right now amd I can't even show I'm worried, cause he'll fall apart and I just can't hold him up anymore than I already do.
He is so wonderfull, he cooks, cleans & does the grocery shopping. Just don't ask him to do the finances! He's such a worry wart and that is so hard to deal with sometimes.
He wants things to be the way they were. But is learning that just cuddling and doing things together can be just a fullfilling as sex.

I do suggest the husbands/boyfriends thread for the guys. It also might help us understand them by reading it too.

Best wishes to all

Relationship Stress

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