Husband lost interest...

Ok... I have read probably thousands of threads on this forum and resisted the urge to sign up because I went down the forum road with my prior issues (I'll get there in a sec) and this time I feel like I wouldn't have as much positivity to contribute as I did then and I don't want to be a downer. But here's my input sorry if its a little long and its got tidbits that address random comments that I read/skimmed throughout this thread.

I am in your shoes f-stop. My hubby shows no interest in sex BUT he has never ever criticized how I look and I dont think he ever would. I'm so sorry you had to deal with that. To the ladies that were saying that relationships change and sex isnt important, I kinda disagree. Its a level of trust and intimacy that you share that is only between you. Its a bond that you created with your spouse and when they show interest in wanting that at least to me it signifies that they still feel that bond.

Now... to the porn thing. I can't remember who said what right now I apologize but the one who first said she caught her husband and was very upset, honey I am so sorry and I know that is emotionally crushing i don't care what anyone else says. I have felt that pain. And to the ones who said all men do it, well we have all had breast cancer, some of us have no boobs and some have reconstructed boobs that are far from normal. Porn star boobs are ridiculous! If that is what your man is desiring and you already feel uneasy with what this disease has done with your body, how can you write that off as ok?

Here's what crushed a seemingly good 10 year marriage- I was diagnosed with uterine cancer in 2010 at age 30. It was early stages and a hysterectomy, oomphorectomoy (I know thats not spelled right) and then we'd see what the final pathology was to determine where to go from there. Well, I had pretty bad prolapse from having 10lb kids and the dr advised "tacking" things up since I would be in there anyway. He said I'd feel like a brand new woman after all of this was over. Hey that sounded GREAT! Only they put mesh in me And they perforated my bladder. Then they reinserted it even though they shouldn't have. They ignored 4 months of me coming in begging for answers on the absolute agonizing pain I was in. I gave up. Then I said I can't live like this and I found the vagina whisperer. He saved me as best he could. Removed my mesh had to remove some scar tissue, cysts etc he said with my husband in the room that my vagina was pretty damaged but that it was on a USE IT OR LOSE IT status. If I did not have sex or the alternative was pelvic floor PT (no thank you) regularly to keep blood flow and muscle tone everything would start to lock up again. Oh and when I first saw this doctor (the good one) before any surgeries I asked for BRCA testing, I am BRCA2+. I was told then I needed to start going to the breast center to develop a plan on how to monitor or whatnot. I just couldn't.

I'm not going to get into all the details of every instance of what happened when but I'll say that over the course of a year after that my husband abandoned me emotionally, sexually... he developed a porn addiction that got so bad that he would seriously smack me away if I tried to touch him at night when he was half asleep. This was NOT my husband!! It got so bad that I actually started to wonder if he was gay or having an affair, neither of those are him either. I would cry myself to sleep night after night and he wouldnt flinch. It was horrible. I had no clue it was porn because thats just not the man I married really its not. Then there was the day I found stuff and he was at work and let me tell you it was the angriest, most hurt I have ever been! He abandoned me in the most awful way when (at the time) I needed him most. And through this near the end right before the confrontation my boobs weren't feeling right. I couldnt really feel a lump. I didnt have periods so not hormonal. I said maybe its stress.

You guys that say porn isnt that bad have NO idea!

Trust has been really hard, self esteem before the cancer/surgery was hard. Last Oct when you could see all the BC awareness stuff I said to him, I'm so scared of reliving that nightmare that I'd rather risk breast cancer than deal with my BRCA status preventive. My dr pushed and pushed me to go to the breast center I said no. Why? Because I didnt have the courage to be less of a woman AGAIN. I felt so vain and selfish and disgusted with myself I really did.

I started to be able to feel a bumpy area kinda on my ribs (but I had D's so its hard to say) and my other boob just hurt and ached. My inner gut didnt feel right it really didn't. But still I was afraid. My husband said I needed to make an appt. I said oh so what do I do, call the cancer center and say hey I'm brca 2+ and I think I should come see ya'll. Denial I guess. But I had to have a followup with the Vagina Whisper's NP and she walked me downstairs by the shoulders to the radiology dept stood there and said that I was there for a mammo and she needed me in there asap because I was a flight risk. Go figure. This was in Feb.

So the rest is my breast stuff which isn't so much relevant to what I wanted to say here... I can chime in on that if you want. I had a skin and nipple sparing mastectomy (incision underneath) I have one of the best breast surgeons in the world. I'm not sure that I can say the same for my Plastic Surgeon I hate these boobs on so many levels. They aren't right. I feel so vain yet again because I have my nipples (though the left lost 75% of the areola and the nipple is sitting almost under my armpit but my PS says I shouldnt complain) my implant/recon issues are for a whole new thread.

In all I feel like I'm losing him again Not the same as before but idk. I dont have the emotional strength to take much more emotional trauma.

Husband guy.. Thanks for being around to help speak from the other side. If my husband would just tell me whats on his mind it would lift a million pounds off mine, but he serioulsy will not communicate. His explanation for the whole porn things "I don't know"

Hugs to all on this board. I dont quite know where to begin. I am overweight. Have been for the last 35 years. Had 4 childten 3 over 9 lbs. lets just say probably not looking my best. My husband loved me and we talked a lot. After we were married over 27 years he started to talk to one of my friends at 2 in the morning. Helped her on weekends and finally told me I was not attractive to him any more. What changed. Not me! He was not looking at me with loving eyes anymore. That's the difference. He no longer saw the funny, talented, bright, and beautiful person that made up ALL of me. I wasn't working and had to find a job in case in case he left. First he left me emotionally, then physically and finally financially, when he closed our joint account and opened up one to put his pay checks in so I had no access. He still payed the mortage and other bills but he then worked out if town and came home only a couple of times a year. My kids were between 25 and 17 at the time. Since I was better off living in the house and he wasn't there most times I stayed married and just lived. Ok fast forward to the past 3 years. His sister was dx with Stage 4 BC. His Mom and Dad passed away. And I got BC. I thought I'd be going on alone or with just the kids. But surprise. He was interested; came with me to my appts. He made dinner and took care of me. He saw my BMX scars. I didn't know if I trusted that he had changed but I enjoyed it. Its almost 2 years since my BMX and I am still in the middle of reconstruction, had two failed TEs and thus 5 surgies on one side and one side not causing trouble. We talk again. He hugs me. Takes me out. Spends money ON ME! Still don't really believe if I can trust this lasting. But I hope. During those years I took care of myself sexually, as well as emotionally, and managed to do financially too. I hurt and many times wanted just to quit. But it worked for me. So we just celebrated our 40th anniversary. I don't know what the future holds but I guess I am just plain stubborn and hope for good things in the future. Plan to work on intimacy and who knows maybe those loving eyes are directed towards me once again. (One of my friends said she saw him looking at me like that when I wasnt looking, but I'll have to see it myself)

All I can say is this worked for me and everyone has to make life work for them. Either I am very patient or extremely lazy LOL

Sorry for the long post. I guess I just wanted to say sometimes it can take a while for things to change.

Much love to all.

Husband found to be with a hooker after 2 years of breast cancer treatment with major side effects from radiation, chemo, and herceptin (including heart failure and anaphylaxis). I tried to 'be there' for my husband sexually throughout my treatment and we actually went to Maui to celebrate the end of treatment - very romantic and lots of intimacy/sex during the holiday - a week after we returned he was pulled over for drinking and had a hooker in his car (he had been lying about his drinking for over 2 years)! I was away looking after my dying father. 20 years of marriage and now I feel so betrayed and hurt! The hooker was IV drug user and younger than my daughter. I can barely look at him now! We are going for counseling and he is back at AA, but I can totally relate to women who have been on such a devastating journey and then finding out their partner is betraying the marriage. Fucking cancer!!!! Trying to decide if I should stay or leave - feeling like a 'cliche'.... menopausal from chemo, half a breast, lost all my hair, and he is paying for sex with women 40 years younger than him!!! So sad and hurt...........................thanks for listening.

What horrid journeys some of our sisters have taken!!! I wonder how much breast cancer added to the equation or if it was "fated".... But having bc while being emotionally battered as well is just the last straw!

I am so fortunate that I consider intimacy to be the fact that we hold hands even in the grocery store, and he still kisses me when he brings me a tea.... This putting a penis in a vagina thing brings down countries, never mind good relationships....

Moon, surely HE has aged some in 25 years!! Balder? Chubbier?? Lousy skin or teeth??? That comment of his will be a hard one to "get over" as I'm sure it hurt deep. That bell can't be un-rung...but maybe he can ring new bells for you!!!

Thanks Moonflwr -

Some days I'm like 'really????' - after all we have been through and now we have to deal with this???? Trying to look for the gifts and I am sure learning a lot about myself .... but really? haven't I learned enough yet? Makes me tired and angry. This is not how I want to be feeling - usually a very positive and joyful person, even through all the sickness with treatment. mofo!

I'm so sorry for what you all have gone through. I feel so marred by what has happened in my marriage, but you are such strong women to have endured what you have! I think it was said somewhere in this thread, or I saw it in others, but I think for most women it isn't about "just" boobs or sex.There are water bras and batteries for those! LOL It's about feeling desired and accepted. It would help me feel less like a disease, and more like a human being.....a woman. I am all about putting companionship and friendship first. Sex does eventually fade out, and that platonic connection is what endures.....but I'm 43. I'm not ready to give up having my husband feel attracted to me. I feel like this is the case now, and it messes with my confidence. I think it's a little like when you're pregnant. You're tired, you're fat, you have cankles, and after you have the baby your hoo-ha is a wreck. YOU feel terrible about yourself, but all it takes for you to stand a little taller and accept the battle your body has been through is for your husband to tell you you're beautiful. For him to look at your figure with admiration for carrying his child, and touch and treat your body as though it's the same body he wanted 9 months ago when he got you pregnant. I wish I could say that I'm a bigger person, and it doesn't matter, but it does.

I'm reading more about survivorship, and how emotional it is. I think you're flooded with information and support about diagnosis, treatment, surgery etc....but then once you end treatment it just drops off. I thought it was just me, and I was an ungrateful/terrible person for feeling so lost now that I'm not "sick" anymore. I think with emotions running high from that, and menopause, it's exacerbating the disappointment from my husband's reaction. I just keep thinking about him telling me that "he's trying". Of course he sees it as trying to cope with all that has gone on, and I definitely see that....it's A LOT to take in, and I know if it was him I would be a total mess. However, my brain hears "I'm trying to be attracted to you". I live in my head too much. Contrary to how it seems on the surface (I'm more concerned about how I feel than how he feels), but I am actually so upset with the thought I'm letting him down.

This just shows what a long process this is. For those who are still with their SO, it's a daily hurdle to trust again, and for those who split, it's a daily hurdle to trust someone else again. Women are DEFINITELY NOT the weaker sex! I just think we need more support in finding our "new normal". This site has definitely helped me! Thank you all for being so candid.

fstop. Hugs to you. You have a houseful of people who can take care of themselves. Let them do it. Put up a sign up sheet. Fill out ONE thing you will do, like cooking or laundry. Let them sign up for the others. If you choose cooking DO NOT DO THE CLEAN UP. The hard part will be for you to not do anything else. If there are no more dishes clean to cook you stop until there are some. It might get disgusting but you will have stand firm.. Get out of the house go to the library or the mall just To SIT. GET A CUP OF COFFEE, even at our library they have that. And spend your time away from the mess and trouble. Once they see you mean it I am pretty sure it will get better. You dont have anything yo lose at this point. Going by your ID, you have something to do with photography? Then go out and take some photos to strengthen your creativity. Do something for you. But you certainly cant let them all run over you like that. Why should you give up your room? . What happens if you say no? Maybe your daughter threatens to leave? Ok so what? She eouldnt be living at home if it was easy outside! Hugs and deep breathes. YOU CAN DO WHATEVER YOU NEED TO DO!!!!! Much love.

I used to have to take my nephew to a school program every day during his senior year of HS so he could catch up and graduate. I also had to do all the running around so I know what you mean. Sorry you have so much on your plate. But I think you do need to do something for yourself. Maybe one night a week you just go out. Dont have to spend money but I hope you have a library nearby. Its free to just sit. I used to spend time at our library so I d be with people who didnt want ME to do anything for them . It recharged me. Just let them know they have to fend for themselves for that one night. You dont have to tell them where you are going. But do that for yourself. Or go to McDs and get a coffee or soda and just sit. The key is to not do anything for anybody that night its just for you. So no picking up dinner for everybody while you are out. They can manage pb&j sandwiches if there are no leftovers! You really need to think how to carve out some time out to give yourself back to you before you can give more to anybody else. If I sound preachy I dont mean to but my experiences made me learn that. Try a list of things they can do like 15 minute pick up of the house. Not long but all the miscellaneous stuff is off the floor. Or vacuum. Or load dishwasher. Or empty it. Or if you dont have one. Wash. Dry dishes. Clean bathroom. If they each do one chore it helps. Much love.

fstop. Dont leave us. But since you will be losing the house too, what is left for you? Def. Talk to Social worker. Your son at home may have to go to his dad but hes older now. Get your life in order then he can come back. Your daughter's statement has just clarified your marriage's end. I am so sorry you have to go through this to. And wherever you went for your tx two years ago call that place and they will get you the social worker they work with.

Just. Start. Doing . Something.

You will feel better with every step you take to move forward. Much love.

fstop - keep posting here and know that we are here for you!

Ksusan-

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