aunty just diagnosed

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daniigan
daniigan Member Posts: 4
edited June 2014 in Caring for Someone with Breast cancer


Hi,


A week and a half ago my aunt found a lump in her breast and went to her doctor for consultation. She went back a couple days ago to find out if the lump was malignant or non malignant. She told my mum and I that it was a cancerous lump that was too big to be surgically removed. Chemo will necessary to reduce the lump.


My aunt is quite reserved in her emotions and since she has been home this weekend she hasn't said much to do with the cancer. I'm worried about her and would like some advice as to what should be spoken about and also some advice as to what we can do to help her recover from this cancer.


She is a smoker and the doctors want her to come back for a full body scan. My mum and I feel that the breast might be secondary and that the primary cancer may be in the lungs.


She stills smokes and is too stubborn to be stopped. Even with cancer. I know she doesn't want to die. I'm sure of that.


If someone has advice it would be much appreciated.


Thank you.

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  • MelissaDallas
    MelissaDallas Member Posts: 7,268
    edited October 2013


    i have never heard of lung cancer metastasizing to the breast. Breast cancer can metastasize to the lung. Lots of nonsmokers get breast cancer too, so I think it is not helpful at all that the gist of your post seems to be that you are somehow blaming or judging her because of the smoking and she doesn't need that right now. It will just stress her and make her want to smoke more.

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  • daniigan
    daniigan Member Posts: 4
    edited October 2013


    Where in my post have I said we blame or judge her for getting cancer because of her smoking? I have said she is reserved therefore we have said very little to her. I find your reply offending and considering you have made over 1400 posts I find it shocking. If you have no helpful information other than to accuse me of harming her then please reply no further.



    My mother and I just understand she is a heavy smoker and wondered if that related to why the doctors wanted to do a full body scan. I did not realise the lungs can not be metastasised to the breast.


    Regardless, I thought this forum may be more compassionate and helpful rather than judgemental. I only wanted to know what the best advice was from those who have been through this. I am asking this so I don't say the wrong thing to her.

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  • MelissaDallas
    MelissaDallas Member Posts: 7,268
    edited October 2013


    I'm sorry I misunderstood the tone of your message, but women look for so many reasons to blame themselves as to if they DID something to cause their cancer when in reality the main reason is that they are female and have breasts.

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  • daniigan
    daniigan Member Posts: 4
    edited October 2013


    It's ok.. I just haven't had a family member, who is so close to me, be afflicted with cancer. It's scary. At the moment I can't believe it. I'm 24 and she is 51. I was expecting her to be around till her late 70s or whatever the average age is. I want her to have the best chance of overcoming this and that's why I brought up the smoking. Will it help a lot to quit at this stage? Should I talk to her like how I usually do? Her mood is definitely a lot more down and I don't want her to feel alone.

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  • MelissaDallas
    MelissaDallas Member Posts: 7,268
    edited October 2013


    Yes, talk to her like you usually do. When I had ovarian cancer I desperately wanted to feel "normal" and not just be a sick person if that makes sense. It seemed like it was all-consuming and that was the topic of every conversation for a while. Take your cue from her as to whether she wants to discuss it or not.


    I smoked and I can tell you I received some very hurtful and insensitive comments about it when I was diagnosed. Trust me, you feel plenty stupid about it on your own.


    Don't be counting her out just yet. Treatments can be very effective and you don't even know that it is metastatic yet. The neoadjuvent chemo she is going to get will let them know quickly how well it responds to that particular chemo and often shrinks the tumor dramatically. Even women with Stage IV cancer often live for years now.


    I'm really sorry about your aunt and know you're worried.

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  • daniigan
    daniigan Member Posts: 4
    edited October 2013


    Thank you very much for your reply. I'm sorry you had cancer and didn't realise smoking could be a closely related subject. I hope you are well now. I understand the consequences of smoking but there is no way I have any intention of criticizing my aunt because of that. I am only looking forward and only hoping the right decisions can be made so she can be around for many more years to come. It's too early..


    Again, thank you for your reply and it gives hope to know that treatments can be that effective. Take care.

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  • sabihah
    sabihah Member Posts: 65
    edited October 2013


    She might be trying to protect you from worrying about her. You said that she's normally very reserved, so that would fit. But of course, you are worrying about her -- who wouldn't!


    She might also be trying to keep the mood lighter for her visit. My Mom didn't want to talk too much about her cancer at a wedding, for example.


    What I would probably do is bring up the subject in a private place (like your home) by asking if she has any new news about the cancer. Ask her how she's feeling. Ask her what's coming up next, treament-wise. If she wants to talk about it, then she will. If she seems to want to shut down the conversation, you can tell her you really care about her and want to be there for her, and leave it at that.

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