Just gotta let it out before I explode

Sorry, just need to vent and there is nowhere else to go. While DH is great; he just doesn't need me dumping on him anymore for what really is probably nothing.

Celebrated my one year, in remission, all is good. Couple scares along the way; nothing went the way I expected once we left the BS office after DX so was really, really happy to move on. I was one of those dummies who had no idea what breast cancer could do, where it could end up.

I do not feel paranoid, I am not living scared and I get that for most early stagers, it doesn't come back. Had clean mammo in September, report mentioned mammo being of limited value due to denseness, but was happy to hear clear. Found new lump a couple weeks ago, above the lumpectomy scar line, painful, heavy, I was assuming scar tissue or leftover radiation SE's. Went to my RO tech because she does great breast exams and figured she could confirm. She decided it needed ultrasound to be sure. I go on Friday.

Thus my vent; there is no freaking way that this thing came back already. Absolutely cannot happen. I am tempted to just cancel the ultrasound appt and tell myself scar tissue, deal with it but that would be incredibly stupid. Fact that it hurts doesn't put my mind at ease because the damn first lump hurt. I cannot believe that for the next however many years life can go along as normal and then BAM! I really was moving forward but I am so angry at the thought that I am literally shaking. More than likely on Friday, the call will come that it's scar tissue, move on. Great, will there be a next time, another lump, another hang on maybe it really is something? Do I have my life back or not?

Thanks to whoever made it through this post; may all of you struggling with the same issues be well and happy.

I can say that it helped to write it down and I am grateful to have the chance.