Lack of support from in-laws and family

No they wouldn't change their tunes. Their denial is pretty solid.

Erin, is your own family supportive--your husband and parents?

Erin, I am sorry that some people you expected more from have let you down.

I believe that ignorance is likely the culprit. You also mention denial on their parts-----and this is common with weaker psyches who need such a coping mechanism. Folks can be scared into denial. It probably has more to do with ignorance and fear (these things seem to go together, don't they?) than malicious indifference.

You deserve BETTER, make no mistake about it. But you don't need them to understand and behave appropriately. You'll be okay despite their lack of support. Though it would be nice, I know.

In my life, I have had friends and family who have been through crises and looking back------I did not understand what my role was at critical times and believe now that I should have been a more proactive supporter. Now that we are going through a crisis, I can see just how little I did for others who probably needed me more----except I just didn't know it. I was ignorant. It wasn't that I didn't care for these people-------I did/ do tremendously.... and I'm not stupid.... but I just "didn't get it". I FEEL stupid now. I can't imagine how I could have treated their crises so reactively and without urgency to take a more active roll in jumping in the trenches with them to do WHATEVER. I'm embarrassed for my ignorance now. When emotions are at stake, things get awkward. Decent people sometimes act stupidly. The person IN crisis doesn't want to keep asking for help (if at all) and those outside the crisis assume all is taken care of.... and they sometimes start worrying about boundaries. Better communication can help, but people get goofy----panicky even, if something elicits emotions and fear. Denial is just easier. Retreating to a cocoon where you can control everything is a defense mechanism.

It's unfortunate that some of those expected supports aren't stronger. But a lacking in action may be signaling weakness and fear and ignorance more than a lack of love and caring. You are fortunate that the most important supports ARE there. They will get you through.

Wishing you continued strength and recovery as you move forward.

You are not the only one that had this happen....It happened to me too. I finally just let it go. I can't make people "get it" about BC. They are clueless. They think that we are all cured or something. My DH's brother/wife never called, sent a card or came over...we live 30 minutes from them. My son was only 4 - they never offered to help with anything. They act like it didn't happen.

I have also come to the realization that people feel very uncomfortable when it comes to cancer. They act strange and just don't know what to do - so they do nothing. My mom whom I am very close with NEVER even brought us a meal during my BMX and chemo. SHe lived 10 minutes away at the time. We are Italian....completely shocked she didn't bring food! I think she didn't know what to do so she did nothing.

Did it hurt? Yes. Did it make me mad? Yes. I have chosen to let it go. I know having BC has made me more compassionate for others - especially those effected by cancer. I only work part time and I just found out a teacher at my son's school is in hospice for pancreatic cancer. I just cashed my paycheck and I am giving them the money instead of attending a fund raiser. She has two small kids to raise and her husband is in the end stages. I feel like I have to do something..... I was always a compassionate person, but now even more so.

I know having people do this stuff hurts, but it is a waste of your precious energy to waste it on people that don't "get it" and never will. Focus on being the person that is compassionate to others. Hugs!