Not afraid but frustrated & angry

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batcatlady19
batcatlady19 Member Posts: 138
edited June 2014 in Mental Health: Because Cancer Doesn't Just Affect Your Breasts

I read a lot of posts here about women being afraid of the cancer & the treatment. But I just can't identify. Every since diagnosis, maybe even since if found the lump, I've been just ... Anxious & worried maybe, sometimes frustrated, often angry. But rarely afraid. I know this won't kill me, we caught it early & I'm going to throw every possible treatment at it. I don't have a family history of an cancers, I'm relatively young (early 40s), & reasonably healthy otherwise. Odds are in my favor.



But I'm pissed off that cancer has disrupted my life. I have shit I'd rather be doing! Dr. appts. & tests & surgery & chemo are screwing with my schedule. I have a boatload of events I'm supposed to be at in the next few months - upcoming chemo is going to make that hard. I have a project commission due mid-August that I'm totally behind on bec. of the surgery. My work has suffered bec. I've missed meetings & even when I'm there I space out thinking about cancercancercancer. Fuck! I hate this!!!



I'm trying so hard to keep ahold of my real life, but cancer is eating away at it, just like the tumor ate away at my breast. I guess if I'm afraid of anything, it's that I'm afraid of losing what matters to me, losing my place, losing my ambition & gumption.



A lot of ppl here have kids (or want to have them) & that's their reason to live. I'm happily childfree, totally in love with my life, my husband, my friends, my community, my world. I want to keep doing all the exciting things that make life worth living. Yeah, ok, cancer means just taking a break from that. But dammit, I don't want to be left out. I don't want to watch the world spin on without me. I am going to miss being a part of all that while I sit & be sick. So not fair, so not cool. Pisses me off!!!

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  • gildedcage
    gildedcage Member Posts: 139
    edited September 2013

    I have moments when I feel angry too. For me it's a total time-out from my life. I've left my job to do chemo/radiation and all the plans I've had for my life (including trying to have children) have been put on hold. I just spent the last week indoors recouping from chemo while everyone else is out living their lives. It sucks.

    The other hard part is that I don't personally know anyone else my own age (38) who is facing this. Whenever I talk about my diagnosis someone tells me a story about their 80 year old grandmother who had breast cancer. While I know we are all dealing with cancer, it feels different to have it at such a young age. I went to the local cancer support center (which is great and I'm so thankful for) and I was half the age of nearly everyone there. It feels very isolating to me. It's hard to talk about my issues of fertility and cancer with people who are talking about explaining cancer to their grandchildren. It's just about different seasons of life but I find that part the hardest. You are right - it's total bullshit. I just keep focusing on the endgame and try not to get distracted by the rest. 

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  • Enerva
    Enerva Member Posts: 3,162
    edited October 2013


    Hi gildedcage, I was dx at 38 too, I am now 40 I know what you mean I also didn't meet woman my age that were going through the same bc experience. I am also like you ladies very upset at life going away wile I deal with all this bs. I am having my next surgery in two months and it will be Dec24, my PS s secretary asked me if I had a problem with the date? I said nop I don't really have any reason to celebrate xtmas, that surgery will be my xtmas gift cuz I cant stand this TE any longer. It is so uncomfortable I deal with pain and I cant even sleep well. I only hope time makes all of us stronger and that bc one day will be just a bad dream. Feel free to PM any time, good luck and keep in touch

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  • gildedcage
    gildedcage Member Posts: 139
    edited October 2013


    Good luck to you, Enerva. I agree that the surgery is totally a Christmas gift. I'm getting my last chemo on Dec 10th and I consider it an early Christmas present. It will be great to start 2014 anew. BTW, I connected up with Young Survivors Coalition earlier in the month and had a get together with some ladies here in the L.A. area. All young women who have walked this path. It was so helpful for us all to share our stories: some of us are in treatment, some completed. It did help me to not feel so alone.

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  • Enerva
    Enerva Member Posts: 3,162
    edited October 2013


    Thanks Gildecage i will try to attend an event today, hope to meet ladies who are walking the same path. Take care and all the luck to you during this coming months. Know these are the hard part. :) but you will be done by xtmas :) i cant wait for Dec 24

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  • Kelly39
    Kelly39 Member Posts: 3
    edited October 2013


    batcatlady19, I was so glad to read your passage. I too feel the same way. I just turned 40 and I am totally irritated and pissed off that my ENTIRE LIFE revolves around cancer. I left work February 11 to deal with this and I feel that even though I am near the end now I resent what has been taken from me and my family. I am a 3rd grade teacher and I love, love, love my job. I am so excited to get back to it, but I am also afraid that I won't have the stamina to maintain. I finish radiation on Oct. 21 and really wanted to return Oct. 31. But I am so burned, sore and tired from radiation that I don't know if I will be ready. Which, of course, really pisses me off. I have a couple of therapists that I have seen over the past 6 months and they tell me I am normal and this too shall pass....but what do you do in the mean time?

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