Husband of wife - 10yr survivor but emotional issues

LoneBandit
LoneBandit Member Posts: 3
edited June 2014 in Caring for Someone with Breast cancer


I am not sure this is the right area to post in, but I am becoming desperate. A bit of history first...Married 16yrs as of now.


My wife was diag with Ductul In Sit-Tu (something like that) 10yrs ago. She had clean margins and the sentinal node was clean. She had a single side mastectomy and then chemo. Her tumor was ER+/PR+. I was with her every step of the way. Every visit, every infusion. I happen to work in the hospital - so that actually was easy. I talked daily with her doctors to make sure I had all the information I needed to help her along this journey into hell. Her surgeon was on the phone every 5 mins with me from the OR with updates. Thats how close we all are at this hospital.


When she became sick, I moved into a different role in the house. I do all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, groc shopping and pay all the bills out of my own personal separate income. I wanted to make life easier and less complex for my wife. I am still doing all of those things today. I have no regrets but feel unappreciated most of the time.


The problem Im seeking advice on is where we are now. My life has always been lacking on emotion, love or intimacy from my wife and I have accepted that as 'no marriage' is perfect. However, after her cancer - each year became worse and worse a lacking of any emotion from my wife. She will never say she loves me FIRST, although I firmly believe she loves me with all her heart. She doesnt kiss me randomly or even snuggle on the couch. What started out as a luke warm emotional woman turned very cold. Sex is almost non-existent. She finds it painful and although I finally found a product that can help (Liquid Silk) - its still hard to see her essentially agree to sex when I still see her somewhat in pain. 99% of the time she insists on wearing a t-shirt even though the reconstruction looks fine. I cant seem to convince her that i have no issue with any of this and I am happy she survived. If my single issue was a lack of sex, I really could accept that. But when I look at the entire picture of NO emotion or love - its almost too much to have. I have been lonely and sad for 10yrs and its getting worse. I love my wife with all my heart but having issues remaining in a marriage that is beyond lonely.


My wife refused any therapy or group talking after diag and treatment. She is a very closed in and private woman. They tried many times to reach out to her - she ignored them. We have no kids. Just her and I.


I have talked to her about my concerns over and over every few months for many years. We talk, she might cuddle me that night and then not again. It gets swept under the carpet and I essentially put the couch on top of that. My wife refused marriage counseling. She was married before and they tried that but 3 diff therapists all came back said that my wife had the issues in that marriage. I dont know details about the 1st marriage from HIS side of things, so I dont know if they too faced similar issues.


My wife had a horrible childhood with drunk parents all the time. She was a latch key kid and many times came home early to no one at home. I know and I am convinced some/most of her emotional issues must be tied into her childhood. But she never sought therapy or counseling back then nor today.


About a month ago, I finally discussed divorce. Or at least a separation, even if living in the same house but in different rooms. She doesnt want to loose me but when I look at her and ask how we fix/improve things - she begins to cry and told me last weekend that she left her "emotion, love, intimacy and affection" in the Operating room that night.


I really don't know what to do anymore. I dont want to hurt her with a divorce but with refusing to seek counseling (which I really dont think would help here much anyway) and me being horribly unhappy - what am I to do?


My friends have said I have become a zombie over the last 3 yrs. Moapy and unhappy and just existing in the daily run of work home work...wash rinse repeat of life.



What do I do...? - Maybe someone else on here has a similar situation and can share insight if something worked.

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Comments

  • Obxflygirl1
    Obxflygirl1 Member Posts: 377
    edited October 2013


    wow...I wish I knew what to say. My heart goes out to both you and your wife. If I have learned anything from my cancer, it's that life is meant to be lived.....whether you are a cancer survivor or not. We are not in a dress rehearsal for the future. It seems to me you have been patient and understanding but maybe it is time to move forward in your life.


    You may give your wife a reason to seek counseling or help if you do leave. If you stay, then you may be enabling her to just keep things status quo. This is just my opinion. I had to fight very hard to regain my sense of self after bi-MX. It was hard work and I did it for me...first. It involved some counseling but I knew I was worth the work and I very much love my husband.


    Good luck in whatever decision you may make. So sorry you and your wife are going through this.

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  • LoneBandit
    LoneBandit Member Posts: 3
    edited October 2013


    Thanks for your reply and thoughts.......this is difficult.

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  • ruthbru
    ruthbru Member Posts: 57,235
    edited October 2013


    This will sound mean, but a cancer diagnosis should be a wake up call to live life the most fully NOW. If she is still mentally on the operating table after 10 years, then cancer has won even if she is physically OK. Go to counseling yourself, even if she won't. Maybe when she sees that you are going forward, she will join you. Maybe not, but I think you do need an outside party to help you sort this all out and figure out how to best move forward. Good luck to both you, and your wife. Ruth

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  • dogsandjogs
    dogsandjogs Member Posts: 1,907
    edited October 2013


    I was in a similar situation with my husband, though there was no illness involved. A therapist helped me realize that I felt I wasn't worthy of being treated well and therefore was staying in a marriage that was damaging to me. I think you should talk to a therapist ---

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  • exbrnxgrl
    exbrnxgrl Member Posts: 12,424
    edited October 2013


    I agree with the other posters. Even if your wife won't go, you need to go to counseling to sort out how you will deal with this situation. I don't know what decisions will ultimately be made but I do know that a marriage takes the effort of both partners. Ruthbru is right, after 10 years, with no further disease, the cancer has still won. You can support your wife but she has to be the one to decide to seek help for that. Clearly the issues go beyond her bc but she has to be the one to work on that. I hope things turn out as they're meant to.

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  • LoneBandit
    LoneBandit Member Posts: 3
    edited October 2013


    Thanks guys. My wife is not interested in counseling.


    I have been speaking to a chaplin friend of mine about the situation but she essentially said if my wife wont seek help, there isnt much I can do. I could drag her to counseling, perhaps...but I dont see that as being very productive.


    My wife is convinced the cancer will return. There is no indication or reason for that, at least not medically. She beat it 10+ yrs now but in her mind, its still there. I guess technically it is but that doesnt mean it will reappear either. I cant convince her of course but Im trying to advise her to not live life in fear. Deal with the KNOWN issues and don't sweat the UNKNOWN issues because they may or may not even happen. You can only deal with issues at hand. Not possible problems of the future.


    I cant stand the thought of hurting her on any level but for some reason, this year...after all these years I think I reached a plateau and need to fix/change my life. I'm 46 (she is 56) and each year that passes is another year I have lost out in my life. My general doctor asks me why I stay unhappy year after year. Its not about vows - its about genuine caring for my wife. I love her but things are not two-way in this marriage and never have been. Cancer just made things worse. My mother doesnt understand why I ever married her when she was cold even back then. I cant answer that except we were living together and best friends. It made sense to take our relationship to the next level


    I hope to talk to her logically about things this weekend but they will end up getting emotional I'm sure. I almost wish we had a problem like an addiction or something that I could actually seek treatment for. The problems as I see it are not curable if the other person is unwilling to change. After discussions months ago, things get better for a day or two and then default back and I don't say anything. So in that case, I'm guilty too.


    She kicked me out last Sunday. After her shower she flipped. I have no idea what triggered anything. Most of Sunday was fine although in the morning we discussed sep/divorce and options but didn't get far.... I left the house (wont ever do that again) and 20min later she txt me saying she was sorry. I came home about an hr later or so.


    She was in the bedroom and all shook up. She looked at me in tears and said "are we that broken we cant be fixed?" I told her I really don't know. She told me we have been through hell and back together for almost 20yrs. Then she laid next to me on the bed and started kissing the left side of my face while crying. I asked her what she was doing. She told me "I just want to always remember what it was like to kiss your face". I dont think a knife to the heart would have hurt worse.


    I am in tears as I type this because I cant fix anything in my life....nothing. All of my issues whether they be work or personal all do not have any answer or resolution. - I can't change the way a person is emotionally, especially after asking year after year and many talks....


    I think the age difference is also a bigger factor NOW than it was many years ago.


    Thanks for listening people. I appreciate it. I hope to sit down with her Sunday and talk but talk needs to have actions follow. Good or bad, things need to be addressed. I cant keep living like this and only do so because of my love for her.

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  • LtotheK
    LtotheK Member Posts: 2,095
    edited October 2013


    My heart goes out to you. Women already struggle with so much in terms of self-esteem and cancer is a huge baseball bat whack on that, almost no matter what, whether lumpectomy, chemo, or mastectomy. And the drugs really are awful. I work hard at my sex life. The Tamoxifen has rendered me all but neuter.


    She is hurting. You are younger, she is probably totally afraid of her new normal and pushing you away. One person's thought on what you describe.


    Some suggestions. Make a list if she won't talk to you and you seriously want to repair your marriage.


    Get off the intercourse. Truth is, as we age it's a problem for both sexes anyway. Stop making it the measuring stick for intimacy. Explore toys. Explore oral. Explore being kind and complimentary to one another even when it doesn't lead to sex. My husband is a smart fellow. He is constantly telling me I'm gorgeous. It matters, and I am more so as a result.


    Look into Scream Cream, naturopathic interventions, and the new studies on testosterone, which may be an option without increasing risk.


    If vaginismus or atrophy is the issue, use dilators. Get help from her gyno on this. A lot of gynos suck. If you can't get help from the current one, move on until you can find one that gets it.


    Challenge yourself to always make it better. That goes for meals, sex, dinners out. It is so easy to get into a rut.


    Remember there is always hope. I won't go into details, but things were looking bleak for us for a while. We are better.

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