When and If to Spill the Beans

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suzieb54
suzieb54 Member Posts: 2
edited June 2014 in Mental Health: Because Cancer Doesn't Just Affect Your Breasts

Hi Everyone

I joined here some time ago so I am not a complete newbie. I haven't been on here in ages and had lost all my details so I started a new account.  I was trying to forget that I'd had breast cancer and get on with my life. Anyway now something has happened and I need some advice if anyone is willing to help.

Recently, out of the blue I was contacted by a guy I used to work with via social media. We havent seen each other or spoken for over 10 years but we began corresponding by email and it turns out that he really liked me all those years ago but was too shy to do anything about it. He's certainly not shy now!  I also liked him and found him physically attractive. I feel myself liking him a whole lot more as we correspond and our emails have become very flirty.  I can see that he is anticipating a sexual relationship at some point and to be honest so am I.

We have arranged to meet in the near future and I am in a dilemma.  How and when do I tell him that I have had a bilateral mastectomy and reconstruction which went horrifically wrong and that I am not the buxom beauty he used to know and admire from afar?

I am due to go into hospital again in a couple of weeks to have some lipo-transfer to hopefully improve things. I have silicone implants which will be staying in place. I lost my nipples and despite two attempts the surgeon has been unable to reconstruct them; they seem to just disappear; I have had tattoos to give some illusion of having them.  I also have many scars on my breasts and furrows where the fat has dissolved plus a large abdominal scar from the tram flap surgery that failed

I feel that I should say something before we meet so that he isn't shocked when he sees that my ample bosom is no more. There again, I don't want to scare him to death and have him running for the hills, so what exactly do I say to him? The more the emails and instant messages continue the more I am hoping that this will turn into something wonderful and I don't want to set myself up for rejection and heartache. Part of me is just tempted to stop replying to him or to say that I don't want to meet him but part of me thinks this may be my chance at finding love.

The only sexual contact I have had since my surgery 3 years ago is with an ex boyfriend who I trust implicity and who does not judge me for my body alone.  I know my email correspondent is a 'boob' man but I don't know how he is about illness and imperfections. This is a really big thing for me. Please help if you can.

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  • Racy
    Racy Member Posts: 2,651
    edited September 2013

    Sorry, I have no experience with your situation but wish you well and bumping the topic.

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  • suzieb54
    suzieb54 Member Posts: 2
    edited September 2013

    Thank you for that.  To be honest I expected there would be more replies.  Surely someone else must have been in this situation.  Or maybe it's too trivial a subject when there are people seriously suffering.  I don't know.  I suppose I'll work it out myself.  Thanks again.

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  • ruthbru
    ruthbru Member Posts: 57,235
    edited September 2013

    Well, I would be honest from the start....otherwise it will just be worse and more awkward when you tell him. But, I would do it in as 'we are friends so I'm telling you' way instead of 'I'm telling you because we may become romantically involved' way. You don't want to just cut him off because that's not fair to him (or you), but you do need to be honest (otherwise he will wonder what else you are hiding) and he may or may not be able to handle it (either way the sooner you find out the better). Best of luck!

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  • exbrnxgrl
    exbrnxgrl Member Posts: 12,424
    edited September 2013

    Suzie,

    If it's important to you, it's not trivial. For whatever reason, at this point in time, there doesn't seem to be anyone who can speak to this from personal experience. But someone might come along soon.

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  • gramamuses
    gramamuses Member Posts: 633
    edited September 2013

    Suzieb4, I was going to say the exact same thing exbrownexgrl said--it's not trivial to you so therefore it is important. And, I have the same thought as ruthbru --be honest, and really her comment as to how to proceed was just about perfect hmmm?  For all you know he is keeping something from you and fearful of confiding.  If he is a decent guy and compassionate (as well as passionate) the sum total of you will be more important than any particular part of you.  How you feel about yourself plays a big role as well.  He is either looking for this to turn into something wonderful, as you are indicating you would like to have happen, or he is not.  You won't know until you have met in person and as time goes by.  Good luck with your surgical procedure.  I hope you are beginning to sort this out for your own peace of mind.

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  • farmerlucy
    farmerlucy Member Posts: 3,985
    edited September 2013

    Suzie - Sorry I can't be of more help but near the bottom of the forum list there is a category called "Singles with BC". I believe your issue is addressed there. It seems to be a fairly active thread. Best of luck.

    PS I believe any true feelings will transcend any physical issues. Neither of you are the same person you were ten years ago. Everyone has war wounds seen and unseen.

    Big hug.

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