RADS and feeling blue

Anzi - I definitely felt blue during rads. I don't think it was a side effect for me. It was just depressing having a medical appointment everyday for six weeks, that progressively makes you more sore and hurting. I was tired of cancer dominating my life in so many ways. Finally, after rads each day I began getting little treats for myself, which helped. A favorite coffee, a fun pair of socks, etc. Spoiling myself helped a bit. Hang in there - you are half way there! Hugs!

Anzi - I completely agree with BayouBabe, and you are right, no one seems to ask about how the head and spirits are feeling...and thus it feels as though we're not supposed to find it stressful. But it really is and these boards are a wonderful outlet for  sharing among others who've walked there before.

Yes, yes, yes, when rads are over, you will likely feel a huge sigh of relief! I had been holding my emotions in check through rads, just taking it one day at a time and getting through the routine, but on that last day I allowed myself to really feel what was happening and I just kept crying. A small teariness on the table at first (didn't want to move during that last boost treatment), more so when I said my byes, and OMG I just started crying as soon as I entered my car. Took me a some time to compose myself and then I drove off with a little prayer: "Hope I never see the inside of this place again."

I'm not sure how it is if you move to another phase of treatment; if this is your last active treatment (no chemo, tamoxifen, or reconstruction), as it was for me, it does feel a little odd (but also grateful) when the frequent appointments stop and you're put on the 3-month, 6-month, or annual follow-ups. Like you're dropped back into society all fixed but you are a changed person. It would definitely be reasonable to have something like post tramatic stress disorder (ptsd) if you're holding everything in! I think I did have some ptsd once I let the emotions in, but I never felt depressed after rads ended, quite the opposite (!!). The mental and physical healing progress at whatever rates are right for you, and can't be trivialized. Totally also agree with spoiling yourself, small or large, you deserve it!

Good luck, take it one day at a time, and know that it'll be really great to be done!

Anzi - You are most definitely not alone and glad our posts help. If you haven't already, you may wish to also check out the Rads forum for a Sept/Oct'13 discussion group; back when I was where you are now, I joined a group (Mar'10) and it was really great to ask questions and connect with women who were literally going through what I was on the same days/weeks. You don't have to contribute if you don't want to, just reading others' similar experiences can be helpful! And life will be sweet once you are done with rads and the daily grind -- I do have a restless night before and day of my annual mammo., but with each passing year of no further bc, it gets easier, so focus on that light at the end of the tunnel.

Juliet62 - Wow, I love the scratch ticket idea, and congrats on the bonus of coming out ahead. Hope you treated yourself to something special with your winnings!