just checking back in

Hi guys, just wanted to let you know I'm doing much better. I'm in a partial hospitalization program and hope to be discharged early next week. After that I pick up my old life again - with changes.

I've had a lot of time to process what  happened to me, though I know I don't have all the answers yet. I do know I've been on a serious slide downwards for over a year, triggered by my local recurrence a year ago May. I was so scared of it coming back again, so scared of dying, so sick of the constant anxiety, so lonely as my husband gave up on me and pulled away... and the painkillers were perfect for easing my mental anguish. So I used as many as I could to blot it all out. And when I quit, all hell broke loose, the feelings surfaced and exploded, and I had a breakdown.

I do want to say that when people tell you after cancer to "just get over it and move on" - feel free to tell them about me. The mental after effects of cancer can do incredible damage. Maybe if I had a different type of personality I wouldn't have gone off the deep end, but even my therapists agree I've been through an awful lot. Time to heal. Thanks everyone for helping me out last month.