Husband lost interest...

Hello all. I am exceedingly new to this site. As a matter fact I just joined this evening.

I have a question that I hope some people on this board will be able to answer for me.

My girlfriend is going to have a double mastectomy on September 5.

I was looking around this site and I have found many different postings from women regarding their relationships with their husbands and boyfriends etc.

Could anyone please tell me if there is a section on this website where I can exchange thoughts fears advice etc. with OTHER MEN who have gone through or are about to go through a loved one's surgery????

My girlfriend and I have been dating for only about a half a year, but we love each other very much. I have no desire to leave her especially during this difficult time in her life.

I know myself very well and know that I will make every attempt to be there for her as much as I can.

As much as I tell myself that it won't matter, I know that I will, in some way, be affected by her double mastectomy. She will be getting reconstruction within a few months, barring any major complications.

 I've read a lot in this column about men and husbands abandoning or dumping their wives or girlfriends. I'm 55 years old and my girlfriend is 51. I am in the best relationship I've ever been in my life and I'm not going anywhere.

I guess my concern is that I will find myself lumped into the category of men who find their wives or girlfriends unattractive because of the loss of their breasts.

I would like to talk to some other men who have experienced this situation. The surgery is less than two weeks away.My girlfriend is very strong, but I think it's going to obviously have a terrific toll on her.

She has been speaking over and over about how she is going to miss her female form, which is quite delightful. She has been healthy and eats healthy and has always been a very health-conscious person.

Somehow I hope that this transformation in her allows me to love her even more.

If anyone knows a forum or chat room or anything in which men can talk to other men about these concerns, I would find it exceedingly helpful.

I thank everyone in advance.

If anyone knows other forums or websites as well, I would love your input.

The sooner the better, as we are getting ready for the surgery and other related events.

Bill

This thread might help you



http://community.breastcancer.org/forum/16



Its right at the bottom of all topics..........



Good luck

Bill: Talk to the moderators or couldn't you just start your own thread or topic. I dont see why not.

I am new to this thread and read every post on here. I am worried that my husband is distancing himself from me, I am half way thru chemo (so of course bald) and will be having a BMX in about a month and a half.

For the men who posted on here, WOW how wonderful to want to be the best for your wives. My husband has always said "They are only breasts as long as you are alive thats all that matters" and I know he means this but I know he is scared and he's someone who won't let his guard down and talk to someone, he has to appear strong, He has cried a few times which I love when he shows me his vulnerable side, I can be strong for him as well and give him comfort. Sex wise, we have had quickies a few times but not very often and he waits for me to give the okay, he doesn't pressure me. I love him for that because I don't feel very attractive or well right now but I understand he has needs so when I'm having a good day, its nice to feel that connection. I wish he could open up like you men on here though.

I hope you can find a Forum of your own, I believe you should have a place to vent as well as this crappy disease affects us all.

Rayna

I think it`s the lack of nipples that is the biggest surprise, if you want to call it that, though a surprise is normally a good thing. There are many small-breasted women who are very sexy, but of course, they have nipples. A lot of women who reconstruct don`t want the further surgery for nipples or they just get tattoos. I asked my husband if I tattooed nipples on would it make a difference and he said not in feel for him, just visually. I really just want a whole-chest tattoo of something beautiful, but I fear it would make my lymphadema worse!!

1vamom: That is despicable, I am so sorry anyone would say that to you, There are nice men out there, go find one.



Rayna

My husband and I looked at my scars nearly everyday and took pictures to see the progress as I expanded with reconstruction. I think his involvement helped so it wasn't such a shock to him when we did get intimate. Having him look at me helped me to accept my new chest too. Bill, just love her then as you do now. She will go through changes within herself as will you but you both can grow from this experience into a stronger couple. We did.

.....long pause...."BUT, I can call you an asshole!!!"

@ 1vamom Hang in there you are the special one he is a DH (as someone posted to me earlier today about my ex.....D CK HEAD) You deserve better. Here is a short story about me after my divorce. I didn't want to date because of the scars. For awhile I worked two jobs to get back on my feet. My second job was at a hospital. A single Dr. approached me one day and asked me out. After awhile we became closer and he had no problem with the scars. I was with him for four years.

Hang in there and PM if you want to talk more.

Kat

I think it's wonderful that you have re-ignited the flame of your love!!!! Like a breath of fresh air. But, he is trying right now. As soon as he stops, it will probably fall apart again. Many men are like that; they count on the woman to keep the relationship going and they get lazy. My first husband was like that. When I stopped trying he would kick in after a couple of weeks and I'd think "Okay, this may work" then the pattern would repeat itself over and over.

It doesn't mean that you should stop trying!!! In fact, ENJOY what you are getting now!! Maybe it will make him see that making the effort is worth it. Maybe he WAS just scared before. But seriously..."he didn't know what you wanted??"!!! What an excuse!!! MOST women just want to be loved and treated with respect!!! Did he truly think you wanted him to stay out "all night"???? Or go out alone??? Or ignore you?? What an idiot if the thought that was what you really wanted!!

So, my point is this, don't waste your money on a detective. If you feel he has cheated and you have lost your trust with him, there is a big part of your relationship that has died. Let him know NOW about your fears. It worked to get the intimacy back. And if he did fool around because you "pushed him away" what a lousy excuse!! My DH and I haven't had sex for over 5 years but that didn't mean I went running out to find someone else to have sex with!!! I would rather have the rest of him without sex, than lose him completely. And so your DH should have been for you. I doubt he had another relationship as you would see it in him. Do you??

Hi Guys,

  Oh yeah, I told him that I lost my trust and I dont know if I can trust him again. He swore though that he never cheated before or now. Well sometimes I blamed myself for not opening early to him. Its also true that I hate to listen to some of his shallow excuses. But now I am more aware of what he been doing. I checked his office, if he was still there and count his travel time when he comes home.  Also check  his credit cards statement if there/s some  suspicious activities, phone records and check his email too. Tried to check his bank account statement and he was aware of that by now that I am snooping around. I did not find anything that is very suspicious thats why Im thinking its only in my head. But he's action before speaks differently thats why?? He tried to stay fit and he put so much cologne.Coming home late and forgot my birthday. I am just crazy or he was really into something? Now that he was home and were more intimate he also stop going to gym or excersizing  and I dont smell that much cologne anymore. In other words he doesnt act like hes a  bachelor. Well I just want to have him follow to have peace of mind. If I  will find out that he was cheating on me I will file for divorce. As what I said I am ready to move on. I will not wait that I will be on my 50's before I will look for another man. 'Im on my  40's so I think its still easy to find someone else if its necessary. As I told you I prepared myself financially, mentally and physically .I will be  hurt because I took good care of my relatonship for 10 years and cancer just  destroyed it in a blink of an eye. Turn my life upside down and left me with scar and insecurities and a broken heart. Well as I said I gave him an ultimatum he knew I am an independent woman and I am not scared of leaving alone too. Plus he was 13 years older than me so I told him I will find a younger man. For me I deserved to be happy. I told him I am no martyr and as for kids I am not staying with him because  of that. They can still have both parents and we dont need to live together to be called good parents. Thats why he woke up in reality  that I am not a stupid wife who will be scared to let go just because I have one artificial boob. Well for now I really played my card so well. I pretended  that I am now fine and relax and not worrying anymore but deep inside I am just waiting when this honeymoon will be over . Its true what you guys said at least for a month or two DH will be sweet, caring and attentive after that back to old self again. Well I wil also make sure that he will miss me preparing his  breakfast, or our holding hands together, or me being thoughtful and my hugs in the evening. I will play my cards too so he will not say that our marriage is a failure because of me. I am willing to give this family a second chance because our children loves him and he is a very nice person and a very good father. I believed it is worth fighting to keep our family  together. I loved him and we have two beautiful kids.

{{{{{{{{{{{{ Christina }}}}}}}}}}}

Hi everyone-I hate to say that I'm glad others are having the same issue as me....but relieved it isn't just me. My husband stopped touching anywhere near my chest the minute I was diagnosed. It freaked him out (I had a 4cm tumor...couldn't miss it), then once I was going through chemo & surgery it was because he knew I felt bad/didn't want to hurt me. I am through all my treatment and I am 2 weeks out from my exchange, and he still says the same things. With any decisions I've asked him about (during my exchange) it's been "whatever you want"...."whatever will make you happy". I feel like it's his way of saying, "whatever....doesn't matter to me I'm not getting near them anyway". We're rarely intimate, maybe once every 6 weeks. It hurts tremendously. I know it's that way bc of hormones, but also I think bc of the lack of intimacy. He's been wonderful through all of my treatment. He's waited on me hand and foot, and he's been very attentive and loving, so I feel awful having this complaint. I apologize for TMI, and bc I have posted this issue before (but unfortunately it continues to be a huge source of sadness for me), but he had an affair ~13 yrs ago. I don't think he would do this again, but it is part of why I have such insecurity now. Also, and what I think is a bigger issue, that I found out after chemo (bc I found it on his FB) that he was looking up women's pictures on facebook. Specifically, many searches for about 3 months,that were 100% geared towards women w/big boobs. Literally searching "big breasts", or "sexy women with big boobs". I was crushed & we argued about it. I was trying to understand what this has done to him, but talk about kicking you when you're down and hurting you with what's making you feel most vulnerable! I have been watching for the searches, and there haven't been any...but I am fully expecting he's gotten better at covering his tracks. To make matters worse, I asked for, and was expecting to get my full C size back, and now that I've had my exchange, I am a full cup size smaller! I am so disappointed, and upset. After going to the PS the other day, and finding out this is it....I texted him and told him that if he wasn't going to ever touch me again, then I wasn't going to bother going through with stage 3 of reconstruction...there's no sense. Again, I get the PC "whatever makes you happy....I think you'll regret it later, but it's all up to you". Now, I don't want him to see me, and the thought of him touching me makes me cringe. What I wanted most, him touching me (not for pleasure-solely for a sign of acceptance and feeling whole again), is a horrible thought. He says he's trying, and it is hard for him, I know that but because of things that have happened in the past, I can't feel good about anything.....am I being unreasonable? I can't talk to him about it bc even with what I've said throughout all this, I don't want him to "do" anything bc I feel like it's an obligation at that point. I also don't want to push him into anything, and make him uncomfortable. It needs to be genuine. Now....I don't know what to feel, or what I want. I am so depressed, I feel like I should have just let the tumor go, and not said anything. I am considering not pursuing it if anything else comes up in the future. I know that seems over dramatic and putting too much importance in boobs, but it just makes me feel like if he wasn't happy with me before, and he is looking at pictures of boobs while I'm fighting for my life because of my boob, then he wants something I will never be....especially now. He deserves to move on, and not have to be disappointed by me anymore (besides being fat most of our marriage, I've had other medical issues he's had to support me through, and I'm not the "happy go lucky" person he is-wants me to be). Sorry this is so long and depressing. I am trying to find a support group in town, but don't know that I'm ready to be a mess in front of a bunch of people talking about an intimate subject. Thanks for letting me get this out....again. I can't seem to get past this!

Hi,

I understand what you feel. I have the same problem. I caught him waking up at 2 am watching porno and doesn't touch me!! Hello so I confronted him now he always delete his history so yeah they are good in cleaning up their tracks. But you know what you can move on and before you quits make sure you prepare yourself emotionally, financially and physically. Try to loss weight and take good care of yourself. It will be hard but if things got worse then you are ready. that's the same thing I feel I don't want to tell him you touch me here and there because its like an obligation and not what he wants. We try to understand them but you need to make him understand what about if we reverse the situation and he's the one who got prostate cancer . Then you will take good care of him and attend to his needs and do everything in the house. My point is why its always us women who need to understand them?? Right now me and my hubby were getting stronger with our relationship and I am more contented than before but because I took control of the situation. I told him everything and we talked. I told him that if he wants to make this marriage work, then he needs to do his part. If he don't want me anymore then he just need to say so. After that serious talked we are now happy and closer compared to before. he opened up and I found out that we have lots of miscommunication because we never opened up before. I'm glad we did talked. So talked to him and raise your concerns but only when you are ready both financially, physically and emotionally so when his answer is not the one you expected at least you are ready. Hope I was able to help. After you read this I will delete it coz I don't want him to read anything that I wrote over here.

alcb, you said it well when you said it would feel like he's filling an obligation if he touched you now. I know what you mean!! My DH and I talk about it a lot, and if he reached for me during the discussion, I'd feel like he was just doing what was expected, instead of out of love/lust. Celina, your post is so positive, don't remove it! You are an inspiration for others to read how much effort your DH is making.

alcb, don't feel like you have to lose weight to be able to leave him, or change in any other way. It either works or it doesn't. Is it worth losing him and your life over sex? It really just comes down to that. I have come to terms with the concept that I may never have sex again. I don't even know if it's possible!! I joke that I'm a virgin again!! In the past 5 years we've done it once with Viagara and it was SO painful I was thankful it took seconds!!! Do I really need that in my life??

I take what I have now because it IS enough. He is a good and gentle man and that is good enough for me. Would I rather have the sex-machine I married??? I joke that I used him up! The sex WAS great, but now the companionship is wonderful!!!! Life changes and we have to change with it.

alcb, do what YOU want for your recon and if he's curious enough, he'll ask to see.....