I can't lose my mom

elliebee
elliebee Member Posts: 1
edited June 2014 in Caring for Someone with Breast cancer

I have always had a small teeny tiny family, but I was complete with the two loves of my life. Then, 2 years ago, I lost one of the loves of my life very suddenly. It seems so much like yesterday and these past two years have just passed by and i have felt so utterly lost and alone and sad. I can't get over the permanence of loss and knowing i will never see my loved one again. Then 1 year ago, the second love of my life, my mom, was diagnosed with stage 1 breast cancer. If I am being honest, this past year has been an absolute hell. I cry every night and can't fall asleep anymore. I am so depressed and scared out of my mind. Nothing anyone says seems to help me at all and I dont know what to do anymore.

i know my mom has stage 1 breast cancer, but she was told between a 5-10 percent chance she can have a recurrence. This means that 10 percent of the women with her same cancer have a distant recurrence without rhyme or reason. its just pure damn luck or bad luck. I guess I just feel so helpless and I feel like I am a person standing on the brink of losing absolutely everything that i love. it feels so surreal and like i can't stop time at all to just be happy with the person i love. Im only 22 and my mom is only 49. i cant believe this is happening and i dont know what to do. I absolutely don't know what to do if I lose my mom. I would have no one left in the world and have no reason to be here anymore. I just feel so desperate and out of control sad, i can't even explain.  i can't lose my mom, but i know there is nothing i can do to stop whatever is going to happen so i just dont know what to do anymore.... it feels like i can't breathe and that my once happy life has turned into a horror show. i don't know what to believe. is there any hope or is it a lie? its just so hard. i wish i could just run away.... 

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  • Rosamond
    Rosamond Member Posts: 114
    edited August 2013

    Elliebee,



    I am so sad to read your post. Of course, you are concerned you might lose your mom as breast cancer forces everyone touched by it to look at their own mortality. Because you lost someone close to you already, this has probably compounded your fears and anxieties.



    No one knows, for certain, what the future may bring. I am the same age as your mom and have an only child, a nine-year-old daughter. I would be lying if I said I don't worry that she may lose me before she even reaches your age. But, being Stage One, like your mom, I know I have a good prognosis and have put my faith not only in my medical team, but also my social supports and something bigger and higher than myself.



    Do you have someone you can trust to talk to about your fears and anxieties? You might consider joining a support group or look into supports from a local counseling center or cancer wellness center. Meeting others in a similar situation may help give more of a sense of realism and hope to your situation, and also help you to deal with your own fears so you can be strong for your mom.



    My heart goes out to you, and I am sending positive energy that you will find peace and strength and hope.



    (((HUGS)))

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  • gonegirl
    gonegirl Member Posts: 1,871
    edited August 2013

    I agree with Rosamond. Is there someone you can talk to? I lost my mom to stroke 5 years ago. It was a horrible loss. I had to reach out for lots of help, I was so sad. I know you're scared. I have to remind myself every day about myself that it's if the cancer comes back, not when. Right now I'm OK. I'm so sorry you are going through this.

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  • sabihah
    sabihah Member Posts: 65
    edited September 2013

    Elliebee,

    I'm very sorry to hear how hard this is for you.  To me, it sounds like you may be truly depressed.  I really hope you'll talk to your doctor (it could just be your regular or family doctor) about how you can't sleep or go on with your normal life, and tell him or her this has gone on for a year now.  You may need support from people AND antidepressants or antianxiety medication.  Sometimes talking to people isn't enough, and you need to know that there are other ways to get help.  Getting medical help for depression doesn't mean you're "broken".  It's not unusual to be depressed for a while when someone very close to you has cancer.  You can get back to a point where you can sleep and enjoy life again, with help.

    Best wishes,

    Sabihah

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