How to get physical help during treatment - single mom

Options
Miss_Mama_Bear
Miss_Mama_Bear Member Posts: 252
edited June 2014 in Managing Side Effects of Breast Cancer and Its Treatment

Hello all! I am a brand new diagnosis. Things are going super fast, and I believe I will be getting a porta cath and maybe even starting treatment next week (I go see my onc on Monday to discuss) Here is my biggest fear: that I won't be able to take care of my kids during treatment. I have no one to help me cook, clean, etc or just physically be here for me in case something goes bad. I have 3 kiddos, two of whom are little and one that I will have to drive to school 4 days a week. My third is special needs, non-mobile and a whopping 63 pounds. I have very little family here and none that can really help me, and I have few friends (having the sole responsibility of your kids + a special needs kiddos can kind of make your social life obsolete) I have in-home nursing for him that will cover quite a few of his waking hours but I won't have help getting him ready in the morning. Does anyone have any ideas for me? I know it is impossible to tell how I will react with the chemo, but for sure I am going to need SOME help, right? I just started going to church but do not have any kind of relationship with anyone there yet. I am so scared and worried that something will go wrong. I don't even have anyone to take my kids if something were to happen; they would have to be given up for adoption. I did contact my local BC support group, and am going there on Monday, but I don't think they would do anything like that. 

· Share on FacebookShare on Twitter

Comments

  • proudtospin
    proudtospin Member Posts: 5,972
    edited August 2013

    deep breath, have you contacted the American cancer society? you need to ask for help now and anywhere you can.

    your new church, open up to the paster about your situation and betcha that someone will help

    there is also an organization called cleaning for a reason!  they come and clean for cancer folks, google and see if a group is in your area

    If you give your location.....you just may get help here.....any chance you are in NJ?

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • Miss_Mama_Bear
    Miss_Mama_Bear Member Posts: 252
    edited August 2013

    Deep breath...I need to remind myself of that a lot. I have not contacted the American Cancer Society. This is such a difficult thing for me; I never get help from anyone! I have never heard of cleaning for a reason. I will look them up, thank you so much! I am not in NJ. I am in Wichita KS. 

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • BayouBabe
    BayouBabe Member Posts: 2,221
    edited August 2013

    What about your kids school? Our school stepped up and we had food, meals, gift cards, offers to pick up kids, etc.

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • happyraccoon
    happyraccoon Member Posts: 126
    edited August 2013

    Sounds like some of your kids are in school.  Go to the school office and ask for help.  They will give you phone numbers of local organizations whose purpose is to help people in your situation.  You may be making lots of phone calls.  It's worth it!! 

    Don't feel ashamed.  Learning how much your community loves you and wants to help you is the BEST part of this whole cancer thing.  Let them help.  Say YES when people offer.  That little voice that says, "No one can help me" needs to go sit and play quietly by itself while you surround yourself and your children with loving care.

    Any chance you live in Washington?  We have a Family Resource Center.  They also keep track of ways to connect parents with community resources.  Do you?

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • happyraccoon
    happyraccoon Member Posts: 126
    edited August 2013

    Also, you might have a patient navigator at your oncologist's office.  This person will also have a lot of answers for you about whom you can call.  There are a lot of support groups, depending on where you live.  What a miracle this will be for you to connect with others!

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • Moderators
    Moderators Member Posts: 25,912
    edited August 2013

    mamaStewart, the Paying for Your Care section of the main Breastcancer.org site includes Help Paying for Living Expenses. You'll find many resources listed there, as well as those already suggested.

    Best wishes,

    • The Mods

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • Denise-G
    Denise-G Member Posts: 1,777
    edited August 2013

    please check out www.pinkfund.org

    the hardest part of cancer for me was learning to ask for help.

    It's so difficult...and then letting people help you is the next toughest part.

    You will make it through and live!!  But ask for the help!

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • doxie
    doxie Member Posts: 1,455
    edited August 2013

    mammaSteward,

    Reach out to grandmaV on this site.  She is from Wichita.  I'll PM her an let her know you are looking for help.  I grew up near Wichita.  You will find people there who really want to help.  It's hard to ask for help, but people like to give it if they can.  Both of you will receive the good from this.  And think of this for your kids as much as for yourself.

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • GrandmaV
    GrandmaV Member Posts: 1,267
    edited August 2013

    mammasteward, I just sent you a private message.  You're not alone.  Thanks doxie for your pm. 

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • doxie
    doxie Member Posts: 1,455
    edited August 2013

    Good, I hope both of you can get together. 

    mammasteward, GrandmaV is a really helpful sister here.  She should be able to help you and your kids find the support you need.

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • GrammyR
    GrammyR Member Posts: 702
    edited August 2013

    I feel your anxiety mamaStewart. Just think one day at a time right now. My first go around I lived alone and worked full time. Luckily I had a super guy in my life then who went w/me to chemo even though I felt fine. Its still scary. My DIL who has 2 little ones is currently getting me back and forth for daily radiaion in a new city until I can get some volunteer help w/this. So a lot depends on where you live. One thing I see right up front is- forget about not wanting to ask anyone for help. I had to get past that too and have been on the phone myself calling local transport resources.  Your church for sure-ask them, I did. Your elder child,s school may know of some free baby sitting. If you do not have a nurse navigator at your surgical center then ask them for a social worker consult. They usually know a lot of resources. Hang in there and plan one week at a time for now. Big HUGS.

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • Miss_Mama_Bear
    Miss_Mama_Bear Member Posts: 252
    edited August 2013

    Hello everyone! Sorry, yesterday was a crazy day in the world of a newly diagnosed. I've got everything scheduled now though. I get my portacath in Friday and start chemo on Wednesday. I have one friend helping me out. We really weren't friends that long ago; she is my babysitter. She lives 15 minutes away and at times has too many kids to transport in her car, though, so that is a problem. I hate leaning so heavily on one person, too. My children's schools know of the situation. My youngest doesn't start until September 3rd. I am hoping that she will be able to go in the afternoons (they have her scheduled for mornings now) because my son goes in the afternoon. That way I can have a bit of time for myself. I could possibly even get most of a chemo treatment done while they are in school. I went down to Victory in the Valley, a support group, and talked to them. They were super helpful. They said that possibly someone in a group might be able to lend a hand. The next meeting insnt until the 3rd though. I bawled when they told me that I would have to have help after my portacath surgery. Who cries in the scheduling room? Lol. They didn't even have kleenex in there. I was already stressing about having someone drive me, plus watch my kids for the surgery, when she told me I would need help afterwards TOO, it was just too much. I just am stressing so much about this because it seems that there isn't a lot of help for somone to go pick my kids up from school and sit with them for a bit while I'm finishing up chemo or anything like that. And having always been a super over-protective parent, I am wondering if depending on strangers for things like that is even a good idea. It is all so scary in so many different directions. I just wish I had somone to tell me not to worry about the kids, that they would be taken care of, but I just don't. 

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • proudtospin
    proudtospin Member Posts: 5,972
    edited August 2013

    Mama, try not to worry!  If WILL all work out.

    Just look at all the things you have pulled together in the last couple of days

    and how many on here have offered you help....it is scarey but will all come out just keep on doing what you are doing and remember to ask!

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • GrandmaV
    GrandmaV Member Posts: 1,267
    edited August 2013

    mamastewart, it is all very confusing when just getting started with a plan.  There are a lot of stressfull decisions and new words to learn, the horrible diagnosis of cancer, plus you have the added stress of needing help with the kids.  I was an over protective parent, too, (my kids are grown now) so I understand.  I wouldn't want strangers watching my kids either.  Is Victory in the Valley going to help with transportation?  You mentioned you have a Babysitter, but that she has trouble with too many kids in her car.  Private message me and let me know what part of town are you in.   I might be able to help with getting the kids from school to home.   Also, remember that the help you need is temporary and will only be needed for a few months while you go through treatment and surgery.  It is scary to meet someone for the first time that you met through a forum.  I have reservations about that myself.  We could meet at a public place, say the cancer center or a restaurant and take it from there or not.   Take this one day at a time and you'll see, it will all work out.  I'll PM you to let you know what part of town I'm in. 

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • Miss_Mama_Bear
    Miss_Mama_Bear Member Posts: 252
    edited August 2013

    Thank you proudtospin. I guess you are right. I have put a lot of things together. For someone who hasn't done a thing for herself or even her own health in YEARS, I guess I am doing okay. Worry is my middle name, though. I already had an anxiety disorder before all this started. When my friend cut my hair today she informed me that I have gotten my first grey hairs. So I said, "better no hair than grey hair!" Thank you GrandmaV. You are a wonderful help. It is just sooooo much so fast; it is so overwhelming. Fourteen days ago I didn't have cancer as far as I knew, and here I have barely left the doctor's office since. I am pretty terrified to be honest. I just want to hit the brakes! But I know that we need to act fast for the best possible outcome. I would just like to get through one day and not cry lol. I guess it is just extra scary because if anything did happen to me, my kids would have to be given up for adoption; there isn't anyone who can/will take them. All stuff that I should have had taken care of before, but I never thought I would be dealing with this now. I guess I still had that "invincibility complex" I suppose what I am most scared of is something going wrong with chemo. I am the type that never takes any medications. I always have the rare or extremely rare side effects to stuff when I do. I got some non-narcotic muscle relaxers awhile back because I hurt my back and I took a half of one and that was it. It knocked me out! The idea of taking some of the most powerful drugs there are is pretty terrifying! I just hope it is going to be okay, and I wish I could get rid of this anxiety. Anti-anxiety meds arent' the answer either - they make me super depressed lol. Sorry this is so run-on and all over the place. My brain is kind of spiralling around. I am sure you all think I am silly because you have all been through it already and likely dealt with it better than I. I just am so terrified than I have ever been before and I need to stop and be positive and then knowing that I NEED to do that and I can't makes me even more scared! Any suggestions?

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • GrandmaV
    GrandmaV Member Posts: 1,267
    edited August 2013

    mamastewart, I was terrified in the beginning, too.  I think everyone is.  I think I was in shock for a couple of months and couldn't think about anything else.  You will get through this and you will start to feel more like yourself after the first year of surgery, and treatments.  Everyone is different in how they respond to chemo and there are some incredible women on this site that can give you advice for almost any scenario.  When you find out your chemo drugs you will find others on this site who are doing the same drugs or have been on those.  Since you are triple positive, meaning the three markers ER,PR, HER2 are all positive there's a very active thread for us. Technically, I'm not triple positive, but close enough.  My chemo cocktail was taxotere, carboplatin, and herceptin.  There's a thread for that, too.  And I would also suggest getting on the September 2013 chemo thread when it comes up.  Here are links to two of the threads:

    http://community.breastcancer.org/forum/80/topic/764183?page=653#idx_19571 

    http://community.breastcancer.org/forum/69/topic/578284?page=541#idx_16215

    You can do this.  It might get a little bumpy, ok, a lot bumpy at times but you will be ok.

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • GrandmaV
    GrandmaV Member Posts: 1,267
    edited August 2013

    Hey, there's a September 2013 group already:

    http://community.breastcancer.org/forum/69/topic/810058

    When you read the first page of that link, there is a post from the moderators with links to help with a shopping list for chemo and tips for getting through chemo

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • Cherri3
    Cherri3 Member Posts: 31
    edited August 2013

    Hi Mamastewart, I feel very much for you when I am reading your post. I just want to rally you on. I have anxiety disorder too and when I was diagnosed with stage 2B breast cancer with positive lymph nodes, I went into depression. I am a new mother, my girl just turned 10 months recently. Please do stay positive. I love the people here...trying to get help for you. I have just finished four rounds of AC.  If I can do it, you can do it ok.

    I have a line inserted too and I cannot carry my baby. I feel so helpless but we will recover. Please stay strong.

    Cheers, Cheryl

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • gonegirl
    gonegirl Member Posts: 1,871
    edited August 2013

    I am single as well and went through chemo. I told everyone about my cancer, including church, and took any help I could get. I'll post some links later with info but wanted to let you know it's possible to get through this. One day at a time. One helper at a time.

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • proudtospin
    proudtospin Member Posts: 5,972
    edited August 2013

    Yeah, I am single and it is not normal for me to ask for help but...I did it.  My rule was to use dif folks each time when possilble.  I am 5 years out, no chemo but lumpies and rads....when I had a bad mamo 18 months ago and they wanted to do a biopsy....I asked a gym pal who I barely knew.....who had been through it all twice!  at 40, at 50 and well now she is mid 60s and doing great!

    For her, her doc offered meds or told her to join a gym, she chose the gym which is where I met her doing a spin class........I meet you in spin class when it is all behind you!

    For now a nice deep breath, some yoga breathing will help.....oooohhhmmms

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • gonegirl
    gonegirl Member Posts: 1,871
    edited August 2013

    These organizations offer help during and after treatment.

    Try contacting them. Imerman Angels has been a life saver in terms of having someone to talk to one on one.

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • prettypink
    prettypink Member Posts: 41
    edited September 2013

    My gosh your story/stories brought tears to my eyes. I hope everything works out perfectly for you. Your strength is inspirational to me :)  I dont have BC although I am very high risk, and this is my moms second time around with a "new"diagnosis.. ( and she lost her mom before I was even born to BC)  I raced through your posts here trying to find out where you were from and realized you were not anywhere where I could get to you to help. Now that I think of it, I think it would be a fantastic idea for this board to make a community/help section. Take good care.

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • Miss_Mama_Bear
    Miss_Mama_Bear Member Posts: 252
    edited September 2013

    Hello all! Thank you so much for your replies. I am doing a whole lot better now. I had my portacath placed on Friday and am just about back to normal now. It is irritating me some, but I think that is because I had half of my thyroid removed in 2007 and it is kind of run up the same track; I think it janked with the scar tissue there. At the least I am not so out of cotrol, anxiety-ridden, FREAKING out now. My baby-sitter gave me a ride to surgery, took care of my kids, and gave me a ride home. She is still the only one that I have helping me. I think a lot of my issue was the depression that even cancer couldnt' get my family to give a crap. It really sucks, but I am dealing with it. I've explained to my ex sister-in-law what I want to happen with my kids if something were to happen to me (I should have done this anyway), and so I feel more at peace with that; they will need to be adopted and that also sucks, but I know she will find the perfect home for them. I have some things in place that I needed to get in place so I feel better. I am just hoping that I can still take care of them while doing chemo. I made it through the post-op of the portacath, so hopefully I won't be much more down and out than that for a few days every 3 weeks.  I just wish that I had more than one person to help me. She has told me she will take care of my kids and that is all I can ask of her; to take them when I go to the doctor or chemo. The rest of the time I need to figure out something else. I think I will likely just put those people on the spot who offer to help but then disappear when something comes up. Maybe that is mean of me to do, but they offered! 

    Thank you for the shopping list. I did go and get some of those things today. Chemo starts Wednesday. I have been trying to clean house and get my homework done because I am horribly behind on both with all the doctors appointments and surgery and such. I guess I can work on homework when I am sitting and getting chemo all day Wednesday (I just wish that would help me for assignments due tonight!) My oldest's birthday is Saturday and I have decided to attempt a party for him. I hope I am up to it!

    Anyway, I guess I just wanted to say that I am in better spirits now and I thank you all for your support. I know I will get through this. I don't know how, but I will. 

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • proudtospin
    proudtospin Member Posts: 5,972
    edited September 2013

    mama, to me it sounds like you are managing your life.  It is hard but one step at a time.

    I do think the fear of the unknown, it wicked!  Yeap, take up those offers of help, betcha you end up surprised by the help you receive

    and all here will help virtually!

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter

Categories