cancer and marriage breakup

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asecondchance
asecondchance Member Posts: 8
edited June 2014 in Stage III Breast Cancer

I am 2 yrs post treatment and should be very happy which I am. However, my experience with cancer has made me less tolerant of my marriage and am now seriously considering ending it. I have three children, 16,15 and 10 so the only thing holding me back is the fear of a recurrence leading to comlicated arrangements for my children if I am ill again. Ironically, since my diagnosis my husband has gone into a serious depression and is on serious medication for it. Part of the problem is that he doesn't work and now I see that while I was out working fulltime always he wasn't just at home doing the school runs, he was suffering from some level of depression and just would not/ could not work. Because I have found this website invaluable in getting me thro' cancer I'm throwing this out there to see if anyone else has had a similar experience, i.e a big questioning of a marriage leading to possible breakup after dealing with cancer. Any advice? Thanks for your time. Martina

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  • SpunkyGirl
    SpunkyGirl Member Posts: 1,568
    edited August 2013

    I haven't gone through this, Martina, but I know that cancer makes us all take a fresh look at our lives. With that being said, my attitude is that I will not let my decisions be predicated by the fear of a recurrence. Life is short, and no one knows what is around the corner for me, for you, or for anyone else. Do you love your husband, and do you think it would make a difference if you got him intense medical treatment? Is he in counselling? People with depression lose their interest in most things, and that's why he isn't working. As parents, we all have to have contingency plans if something were to happen to us, and yours sounds like it will have to be well-thought out regardless of whether you end the marriage. It's a lot to go through and I wish you the best in sorting it out.

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  • jennyboog
    jennyboog Member Posts: 1,322
    edited August 2013

    BC took a toll on my marriage too Martina.  We are still together but did separate a few months about a year ago, it wasn't only BC there were other factors.  But it was very easy to blame BC for it ALL though.  It is my opinion that marriage can be tough enough but you throw a BC dx in an already strained marriage it doesn't take much to break it.  BC changes you, it changes him and changes the life you knew.  During my separation I thought about the possibility of a reoccurrence and then I thought, could I be risking a reoccurrence by being in a stressful marriage.  In my situation, BC made me anger and irritable so much so my husband didn't want to be around me.  And he was making me angry because he was never around when I had a lot on my plate.  I was not in a good place mentally and I needed him...he wasn't there, we were in a viscious cycle.  It has been a long hard road but we are making it but we had to break up to snap out of that cycle.  I agree with Spunkygirl.  Life is too short to be miserable, married or separated, BC or no BC a plan will be there for your children.  Best wishes on what ever decision you make, we're here for you.

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  • asecondchance
    asecondchance Member Posts: 8
    edited August 2013

    Thank you for that SpunkyGirl. It helped me to put it in words and throw it out there. Family and friends can't be objective so it's good to hear from others. No, I don't love him anymore so I guess I know what I need to do. Life is short but sweet. Looking back my marriage had big cracks from the beginning as my husband never felt he had to work when meant I took responsibility for working which meant that just before diagnosis I was incredibly stressed out. Maybe cancer gives people the courage to change their lives... because life itself is at stake.

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  • asecondchance
    asecondchance Member Posts: 8
    edited August 2013

    Hi jennyboog.

    Actually, that sounds like the perfect solution. An initial separation as a trial to give each of us space without maybe going down the legal separation route right away. My problem is that my husband is seriously depressed, has no work, no family (he's from the US) and no social life. So he has nowhere to go and no money to do it with. He's become very agressive and hostile and I'm not sure if it's the medication, Effexor, he's taking.

    And on top of all of that I lost my job during chemo as my temporary contract ended. So it's tough to keep going financially.

    Aagh...............

    But the sweet days with sisters, children and friends are sweeter than before BC.

    Hope all works out well for you and your husband.

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  • camillegal
    camillegal Member Posts: 16,882
    edited August 2013

    Martina I think if u really don't love hime it a diffiult road to go down with him once in a while u do hear couples saying they fall in love again, but usually when eyes are opened wide u see what u already knew but u were comfortable with it before u'r cancer. U and u alone can see the whole picture how this will affect u'r kids on their lives too, u have to figure the whole thing out for them too.

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  • jennyboog
    jennyboog Member Posts: 1,322
    edited August 2013

    2nd chance...it sounds like you know what you want to do.  Sometimes you give and give until there is nothing left to give.  For my situation it helped us, it had to go full circle to fix us but I still loved my husband.  I feel bad for your husband and hopes he gets the help he needs, maybe this will be a wake up call for you both.  It's time to take care of you now.  My parents divorced when I was 18, it's tough at any age and was just as tough even though I was older...it was all I knew.  But I also knew my parents were very unhappy together, they brought out the worse in each other and they took their frustration out on me and my brothers.  They are both remarried and much happier now. Good luck.

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  • karen1956
    karen1956 Member Posts: 6,503
    edited August 2013

    I agree with the others, don't let fear of recurrence dictate what you do....I think marriage counseling or individual counseling to help you sort out what is best for you, for you relationship and for your family might be helpful.  Listen to your heart...

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  • pupfoster1
    pupfoster1 Member Posts: 1,484
    edited August 2013

    Hi Martina,

    Wow, that's a rough one. But depression is a real disease, just like our BC.  It needs to be treated and monitored.  Is your husband seeing a phychiatrist on a regular basis to monitor his meds?  Maybe a change is in order.  How are your kids dealing with it all?  How open is your husband about discussing his illness?  Perhaps a family member close to him?

    Hang in there,

    Sharon

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  • asecondchance
    asecondchance Member Posts: 8
    edited August 2013

    Thank you all so much for your replies over the last few days. It is so difficult for me to face the seriousness of my situation that it's taken me a day to read your replies, process them and reply now. Maybe a brush with cancer gives people the courage over time to face life totally honestly and openly- and what we see might not always be pretty. I saw the prison movie the Shawshank Redemption a couple of nights ago and love the line from it 'get busy living, or get busy dying'. I want to be busy living.  I'm realising from your replies that my husbands depression is as big a problem as my cancer diagnosis... and that whatever we do his depression has to be dealt with seriously for the children's sake. He hasn't seen a phychiatrist.. only the family doctor so a phychiatrist might be a good next step... if he will go. I'm hoping to go back to work in September and hope the whole marriage thing on top of that won't bring everything back to super stress level.

    Best wishes

    Martina

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  • lkc
    lkc Member Posts: 1,203
    edited August 2013

    Dear Martina, I am so sorry to read of the hardship you are going through. I agree that we are all changed by our dx and being faced with our mortality. I also beleive that stress manifests itself  in many unhealthy ways, and most of our stress is when we feel we can not control what's happening. For myself I was thankful that i wasn't married to my former husband at the time of my dx. He would of walked out on me I am sure. I do have a loving, giving and wonderful husband now and now feel pblessed.

    Please take care of yourself  and your children first.

    We only have one life to live so enjoy what you can live with, happily

    my best to you!

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