So much guilt

dutchiris · August 2013

I have so much guilt. I have dense breasts so apparently mammography is uselss for me. My tumor never showed up on any mammogram even though it was quite large. It also doesnt show on MRI. My ultrasound was clear two years ago. I didnt regularly do self breast exams partly because my breasts were often sore. I have had alot of small cyst and exams are challenging. But I should have been more vigilant. So here I am at a later stage than I should be. I now feel like I the reason my children will lose their mother and my parents will lose a child sooner than what might have been. I am here because I didnt do things right and as a result I hurt the ones I love. It feels like I made everything I have done pointless. I deserve nothing as this is my own doing.

doxie · August 2013

dutchiris,

You said, "I have dense breasts so apparently mammography is uselss for me. My tumor never showed up on any mammogram even though it was quite large. It also doesnt show on MRI. My ultrasound was clear two years ago." You were very proactive in screening your breasts.

You aren't the expert at determining whether one lump or the other means breast cancer, and you were being properly screened. Self exams don't necessarily find cancer.

Right now you need to live for right now. Focus on your treatment and loving the people in your life and life itself. Whatever was or could be has passed and isn't important. This moment is what you need to live.

BayouBabe · August 2013

Please, please do NOT be mad at yourself. Be mad at cancer. Cancer sucks. Your children need you, and need to see you fight the cancer and not yourself. Sending you hugs and wishing you peace.

steelrose · August 2013

dutchiris,

I can relate to your post. I felt some guilt too, when I was diagnosed at Stage IV. In my case, because I was always very healthy, exercised, ate well, did all the "right" things, I guess I felt that I was somehow immune. Very, very naive is more like it! But you cannot beat yourself up at this point, or use precious energy looking back with regret. It's all forward motion at this point! It does sound like you were very proactive in screening, by the way, and I think you're being unnecessarily hard on yourself. Women do have a tendency to blame themselves... for everything!! Be extra kind to yourself now... chances are good that you have many years ahead!

Rose.

dutchiris · August 2013

I am grateful for your replies. I was afraid to even post. Even as I type this I feel selfish for dumping on people who have problem of their own. I don't know why my diagnosis and treatments didn't show up. I had chemo before surgery and still had a large tumor and lots of lymph nodes. I feel doomed.

Shammer · August 2013

Don't give up! You did more than many in the effort at detection, the disease doesn't discriminate and it is incredibly cruel. Success stories are all over this site and others of women with a late diagnosis that battled and have won years of additional time with family and a full life. Try, try, try and ask those around you for help!

Rosesark53 · August 2013

Dutchiris I am glad that you came here, and I also wish you peace. When I had my mx and went thru everything, I was given a pamphlet about the cancer society and all their services and support groups and things. I wanted to go to the support group, but thought, who am I to go out there whining when I'm not having to have chemo or radiation, just a mastectomy, when there are many other women who are worse than me. So I never went and I always felt guilty for even seeming weak during all that in front of anyone. Just suffered in silence. I found this place, and I'm so glad. I wish I had 4 years ago, but thats ok. It is making a big difference for me now. I am glad you are here

dutchiris · August 2013

Thank you for the encouragement and support. I'm still having radiation therapy and am taking tamoxifen. I'm so tired it's hard to do things to distract myself. I don't want to leave financial mess behind for my family. I feel like I have no control over so much of my life now. I don't know what to do.

doxie · August 2013

dutchiris,

It's normal to spend much of your time focusing on how you feel and the cancer treatment while in active treatment. It's your main job to take care of yourself. The treatment is making you ill and is somewhat controling your life. The cancer cells are being zapped, so hopefully that will be the end of it. After you recover from active treatment, give yourself at least several months, then your life will pick up as before. You'll gain the strength and will to do what you now feel you should be doing, but aren't.

You are being too hard on yourself. Recovering from chemo, surgery, and rads is tough. I know I've done it. On top of that your body is adjusting to Tamoxifen. I didn't feel fully recovered until about 15 months after rads and this included time adjusting to an AI. But I was able to be productive at my job and take care of my home fairly soon after rads. During active treatment it was more like barely hanging on.

Right now take care of yourself- food, sleep, exercise, family and friends are all important. You can be selfish. Do what you need for your health, then you'll have more energy to give to others.

shoppygirl · August 2013

Dutchiris

Please try not to be too hard on yourself. I too am in the middle of rads and taking tamoxifen. I too blamed myself for having BC but after coming to these boards I realized that cancer does not discriminate. I have many friends that don't get mamos or even check their breasts because the think that if they have no family history it will not happen to them. As we know it can happen to anyone and there is no rhyme or reason for it. The fact that your cancer was found and you are receiving treatment means that you are doing everything you can to fight it. I know it is hard but please try to be gentle with yourself. You have been through so much and you should be proud that you are persevering on even though it is hard. Hugs

kdrez · September 2013

Dutchiris...don't be hard on yourself. Sometimes we focus all of our love to our children, families and we forget about taking care of ourselves. As women, we are to be strong and care for others and we just put ourselves on the back burner. I was upset when I was diagnosed at stage IIIc, and I relied on doing self exams until I felt a marble. But, it is what it is and we are fighters! Be strong and express yourself. Couldn't have been stronger if I didn't have journal writing. Hugs and prayers!

dutchiris · September 2013

Thank you for all the kind replies. The guilt is not so overwhelming now but there are still moments when it returns. There's nothing I can do about the past and limited control of what it's too come.

kdkickapoo, I'm a single parent. It makes this all even more difficult

So much guilt

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