Tired of crying in the bathroom.

Murdok · July 2013

My wife/best friend was diagnosed with invasive ductal carcinoma three years ago after a mammogram. It had been one year since her last mammogram and it was already in 8 lymphnodes. She was 40. We opted to have only the one breast removed. They told us she was no more likely to have it in the remaining breast in the future, so she decided to keep it. It was a devastating time, I dont know how she made it through. I was lucky to have her to help me. As backwards as that is. Over the past 3 years we have had to watch a spot on her chest where the breast was removed. They said it was probably scarring from the radiation treatments. It is terrible waiting for the next scheduled ultrasound but again weve made it through it. The "scar" has thankfully never changed. Last week she went for another mammogram for the remaining breast. As any woman will say, sitting in the waiting room, being told nothing exept they need another look, has got to be the worst time in a life. After being through this once already makes it even more excruciating. Long story short, if thats possible. Its cancer again. I have accepted night time is for wrapping my wifes arm in elastic bandages and a giant oven mit for her lymphedema. I have accepted all the terrible things that go with breast cancer. The special clothes, bathing suits. I have accepted her turning away from me in shame when she chages clothes. I have tried to be strong in front of her. I have to this day never lost composure in her company. I spend my time telling her shes loved and beautiful and all will be fine. She is as we speak, in a room talking to the surgeon. I wont know the outcome for an hour or so. This time will be financially devastating because she exhausted her benifits the last go around. I just want my wife healthy. I spend my time crying in my office at work or in the bathroom and basement at home. I keep it as brief as I can so she doesnt find out. I feel like im in a box with nowhere to move. I cant sit still but I cant stay busy, nothing helps. I tell her all will be fine. :O)

wingnut · July 2013

Murdok, I usually just come to BCO to search for answers to my questions and concerns but I had to reply to your post. It really gave me a huge wake up call and insight into what my husband must be going through as well. Like you, I believe he tries to hide his fear and anquish for me by always being stoic and cheerful. He took care of me through my entire recovery at home, dealing with my drains, bathing me and holding me when I just wanted to cry and scream at the world. Even though Ive gone back to my "normal and regular" schedule/activities, he is still there whenever I need to vent my anger and frustration, because the scars are not pretty, I am always tired and there is always pain and discomfort somewhere. Please know that you are not alone and I hope and pray for the best possible outcome and treatment course for your wife. Thank you for being a wonderful husband and best friend. I truly believe that what you have been and will continue to be for her is priceless. Yes, it does get old, but it also OK keep crying. Our tears can be cathartic and therapeutic. Let it all out, she needs you.

Colt45 · July 2013

My prayers are with you and your wife. I understand your pain about as much as anyone could. Stay strong. Crying is ok. It's cleansing. Let it out, then get back in the game. Just keep loving and supporting your wife.

BayouBabe · July 2013

Murdok - I see you are in Michigan. Please google information on "Bluebird Cancer Retreats". They are located on the west side of the state, but the drive over would be well worth it. They have retreats just for cancer patients and also retreats for cancer patients and caregivers together. They are for a weekend at a center along Lake Michigan. They are reasonably priced, and/or they have scholarship money available if needed. My husband and I went to one together. I can't begin to tell you how healing this was for us and the other couples in attendance. PM me if you need more information.

Don't be afraid to show your wife your tears. I know that for the longest time my husband stayed strong without sharing what he was feeling. This made me think that I needed to do the same with my emotions or that I just wasn't being strong enough. Shared tears can be so healing. Brings validation to the others fears, which is empowering when faced together.

Moderators · July 2013

You are obviously a very loving and supportive husband. Your wife is very lucky to have you help her through the breast cancer journey.

As other members have said crying, venting can be good. Please continue to post and share your emotions and experiences.

Many hugs

(((The Mods)))

mrenee68 · July 2013

Murdock you wife is so lucky to have you. Crying is a good thing it can help you work through the emotions. You and your wife have been through so much and it sounds like there is more to come. Continue to be there for your wife and take care of yourself. Nothing about BC is easy not for anyone, be it the patient or the family and friends. You can do this. You made it through before you can do it again. Take care!

Letlet · July 2013

Murdok, im so sorry that it seems to be happening again. What is the plan now? How is she taking it?

curveball · July 2013

@Murdok, I am so sorry to hear that your wife has cancer again. I don't know if you have tried one already, but either or both of you might find it helpful to join a cancer support group. There you will meet other people who "get it" and know what you and your wife have been through and are going through now. I go to such a group almost every week, and find it a great help.

farmerlucy · July 2013

Murdock - So sorry you are facing this again. I know it is so devastating. Several months after I was diagnosed I found myself at the bottom of a black pit emotionally speaking. PTSD can strike not only the patient but also the caregiver. One thing that really helped me was meeting with a Stephen Minister from a local church. Many churches have SM. They are not "preachy", they don't try to convert you, they are just there to listen. My SM saved me and my family. Your wife may want one and or you might want one. They are available to anyone and you don't have to be a member of the church to get assigned a SM. I just did a search "Ann Arbor Church Stephen Ministry". I found 4 different denominations offering a SM program with that one search. Praying that the journey this time will not be so difficult.

Murdok · July 2013

Thank you all for the responses. We do tend to forget there is always someone worse off than ourselves. Also that there are all of you wonderful people in the world to lend support. My wife and I spent all day yesterday talking to oncologists and surgeons. There will be a second mastectomy. We are hoping for next week. We wont know lymph node involvement until the surgery is over. I found a new hobby now, completely falling apart at redlights when Im alone in my car. Crying and whailing like a small child. I just pull to the side and deal with it. But, I think I am good with it now. I think we have been through this before and we will get through it again. I remember how to empty the drains, and Ive already shaved my head again just incase there is chemotherapy. We are terrified of the body and bone scans to come, but we will deal with them together. Thank you all, and ladies, dont forget your husbands, we love you.

Tired of crying in the bathroom.

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