Husband lost interest...

I am having the same prob. Life seems meaningless. I feel jealous if i see other couples.you know mens need silly excuses to finish the relationship. When i had mastactomy he told me i m not women anymore you are only mother of my kids i cant handle that situation keep urself busy if u have kids spend quality time with them dont chase insecure man he wont give u any thing we never plan cancer so this bad relationship i didnt invite breast cancer we cant go on vacation even for the dinners.

I stumbles upon this forum looking for something else, and I have to say how much it saddens me that there are men out there who cannot support their wives through this terrble ordeal.  My heart breaks for all of you,and if it does any good at all, I believe karma will pay them all back for being shallow, and selfish.

Much love and support,

Goldie4040

Aw fstop...I hear you loud and clear!! My DH was and is, still a loving husband in many ways but we haven't had sex in over 4 years!! The last spontaneous adventure on our livingroom sofa ended up with blood dripping out of my left nipple! A cancer diagnosis shortly followed. Before then, I'll admit, it was pretty much me that would start something, but it didn't bother me at the time. Now, heck! He will hold my hand when we walk and makes me tea and will rub my back but absolutely no intimacy!! He is only 8 years older than me and when we got together 20 years ago and I was concerned, he told me "Don't worry! If I can't cut the mustard I can still lick the jar!" Sorry if that seems crass, but it gave me confidence that our amazing sex life would continue. He is now 63 and I am 55. Here's something to consider....I had HIM rub in the special cream onto my mastectomy scars (no recon) so he actually got used to my scars before I did! (think of that milkyway!) Another thing to consider - we actually brought this up together with our PCP when my DH said he just wasn't interested anymore. While I was expecting the doctor to say that I was over weight, depressed and had no breasts, what did I think??? He actually tested my DH for testosterone and it was too LOW!! Apparently it is VERY common for men to lose their testosterone levels.

We tried Cialis which worked. Once. There are testosterone meds he could take, but DH doesn't like "taking pills" everyday (I take 11 prescriptions drugs myself!!) I also worry about him upping his testosterone as he is such a gentle giant right now and always has been. I don't want him to become an angry, aggressive man, so I'm going to take what I can get. I'm not sure we could even have sex now as it's been so long. I HATE the TV shows that mock the wives who don't want sex!! From what I've learned, we want it just as much as they do, we just want it done well!!!

So, please sweetie, know that you are not alone. I have had to accept that my intimacy from my DH won't come with any mustard jars...LOL...but will come with him holding my hand and bringing me tea. 

Barbe,

It doesn't sound like your husband doesn't love you, it just sounds like he is not into sex anymore.  He is still kind, and caring, which is more than I can say for some husbands of cancer victims.  Sometimes long term marriage turn into a different kind or relationship than it started out to be.  You can still be intimate without sex. 

Since my BC journey started there hasn't been any sex, but it's because neither one of us feel very sexual right now.  I surely don't.  Maybe when my recon is over, but I dont' know.  I am just happy to have the most wonderful, sweetest, concerned, loving, best friend and husband by my side through all of this.  Relationships, and marriages change over the years, somethings for the better, I think. 

Barbe,

I can tell your husband loves you by the things he does for you.  I just think that at a certain point in a marriage sex isn't the only way to be intimate. And, I think you are lucky that he can show his love in other way than sex. 

Anybody can have sex, but not everybody can stand by a person who is ill, and take care of them. That is true love.

fstop, he has said the words! And you can't unring a bell. He wants out. It sounds like he is only staying out of guilt from his mom (let HIM deal with that!) and fear of shame from others at his "abandoning" you. Do you have somewhere to go now or would he leave your home? You don't need that kind of negativity around you while you heal. You will heal stronger as he gets weaker. NOW I'm changing my tune, from his words!!! Get him away fromyou no matter what it takes!! He was thinking those thoughts for a while before he said them, so make them a reality for him and part. Good luck, sweetie!

Any chance of marriage counseling? Also, is it possible that he has a problem unrelated to your surgery, like high blood pressure? He might prefer thinking that it's your fault (strange word to use here!) rather than that there's something wrong with him.

There are great men out there. I had just divorced my husband for his lack of affection, mental and physical - plus a couple of other hurtful things. Previously had been a widow then married the inconsiderate bSTRd - after I year he said "the newness wore off" - so adiós! Good thing. I then was dx with bc and had to work to support and have insurance for my daughter and self. The work kept me busy and added to surgery, chemo and rads - my treatments whizzed by in a blur of appointments at lunchtime and naps for breaks. BUT I got through it, thank God, and without the most inconsiderate man I ever knew.



His problem was depression over his father's passing, which I understood but THAT made him not want me. I bought a body pillow and an electric blanket and went on with my life. Even after a full body massage by me to him, he wasn't interested (so he says although I had proof otherwise).



Then 1 year after 1/2 of my rt breast was removed I met a wonderful man and he never blinked twice about making me feel beautiful and loved.



17 years later another dx in other breast. Now almost done with natural recon - he still makes me feel beautiful and loved but seems "afraid to hurt me". Almost 2 years into recon and bmx - but we are getting there slowly. I'm 2 weeks out from stage 2b and one more to go. Hoping after he will (and I will) be more into it, but it seems like sex is secondary right now to both of us.



So sorry about the negativity - there is hope. I'm glad I left the ex before he had time to really do a number on me mentally when I was dx the first time. He knew I had bc after the divorce but never asked how I was doing, was more interested in me selling the house to get him off the hook!!!



Those kind of men don't deserve US!!



Hugs

Glad to know there is hope....I'm going to try for a bit longer. he isn't cruel or nasty to me...just inattentive...If things don't improve in the next few months, I'm going to let him know we either get some counseling to save the marriage, or there won't be a marriage to save....I deserve to be loved just like everyone else.

Fstop - sorry but your husband sounds like an insensitive brute, can you agree a month apart! No contact, then see how you feel? You deserve better.....

I was 39 when I was diagnosed with stage 3 tnc my once loving husband who was crazy about me after a few months into my chemo started to treat me differently we seperated for a 2 months during this time I had a lumpectomy anyway he wasn't even really there for my first surgery. Instead of thinking maybe he will get it together he starts an affair with a 24 year old he is 38 years old. We end up getting back together and at first I thought everything was ok between us later on I find out he was still talking to this girl behind my back. A week before my ovaries were to be removed he leaves me and moves in with this girl he does come home for a week to take care of me after this surgery and treats me horribly really then he leaves and goes back to this girl. the whole affair lasted maybe 2 months I divorced him almost a year later. We got back together for a short period of time after our divorce and 2 days after I had a 2nd reccurrance and had to have surgery again he left me to go lust after a 19 year girl. Left me at home with radiation tubes in me just decided to not come home so that was that. It hurt me for a long time for him to just not care about me having cancer we were together for 10 years. It really killed my self esteem that my husband considered me to be old and was playing around with girls my daughters age I found it disgusting really. It has taken a lot to try and get my confidence back in myself he made me feel so bad about myself. It takes time just tell yourself everyday hes the one with the problem not you. Selfish people like that aren't worth even worrying yourself with. It took me along time to realize this. In fact I am single been single for a good while now and I actually enjoy it. I have some male friends I see from time to time I have my family who has always been there for me through this and I have my 3 dogs that have been my biggest source of comfort throught all this hang in there it will get better.

Last week i had appointment with onco phsycologist she told me it happens after the bc some husband cant face that situation n they run away and some of them try to solve that sex n intemacy prob after breast cancer there are support group for husbands too.i think if husband want to solve or accept that situation and it depends how much he s willing to save the marriage. Unfortunatly i m d only one who s trying to save the relationship. Its hard to find sincere partner again and at the age of 39 we need a companion. Cancer took away everything from us.

Husband's perspective here...

I basically write a blank check for my wife. Whatever she needs, I just want her to fill it in.

I try to be proactive with my support, but I can't read a mind and some of the landscape my wife and I are navigating is tricky.



Her being comfortable with her physical being really dictates what we do.



I admit I wish I knew better what she needed at any given moment.



I am willing to do anything and to be anything she needs or wants.



I am sorry if some of the men in your lives are failing you. I guess the physical part has to be worked out together... but the emotional supports should just be there.



I have buddys who are quality people---but just aren't any good at the feelings thing. These are tough, rugged men who I recognize had fathers who were very hard men who were not very nurturing.



I know these men, though, and they're not as tough ad they portray themselves to be. I see through them. They're scared. And they just CAN'T deal with more. So they create buffers. Unfortunately, these buffers cut YOU off from what you desperately need from them. Some men are LOUSES. Rotten people. But there are also good men who are just poor nuturers. And sometimes that's because they're just plain scared-----and the only way they're keeping it together is by NOT admitting the fear. They avoid the feelings because they would melt if they ever let themselves really "feel".



I had an epiphany emotionally about 12 years ago.



It was my dad's 60th birthday and our large extended family was there. I had prepared a speech and in my preparation, I had realized just how much he sacrificed for everyone there. My dad is like the Giving Tree from that children's book. I started to speak and I just got all choked up. I struggled to finish and I broke down and cried. I could hear a young cousin ask innocently: "why is he crying?"... The proper answer immediately came from my father's oldest sister: "He loves his father.". My wife was there. We had been dating for 11 months. Weren't married yet. Nobody there had ever seen me cry as a grown man. It was such a release. I never held back emotions again. I don't mean crying----but TELLING people about my feelings. SHARING my feelings. I tell people all the time now the things they need to hear that I used to hide because it was just easier to be quiet about it. And opening up can be draining. But it's also a release.

I think some of your men are trying to be tough just to hold things together. They're good men. Just emotionally awkward. It took a positive incident that was also very emotional (my dad's 60th) for me to 'release'.



This BC diagnosis is hard on us. It might be too scary to elicit a release. It might make men go deeper into their cave. I had my release BEFORE this stuff----so now, I'm equipped to deal with emotions.



And this BC stuff makes a man have crazy thoughts. I have them. The mind is racing. It is impetuous. But I choose not to ACT on these crazy impulses-----though some men are weaker. Less capable. And they do stupid, hurtful things. Cheating is no solution for anybody. I imagine that impulse infidelity is the emptiest physical act there is. The cheating man is hurt-----he just doesn't know where to channel that emotion or how. Hurting YOU helps no one. And no ody has to put up with a cheating man, no matter what his reason is.



You need support. A better man will give it.



It's hard sometimes. But what you are enduring is HARDER. I never forget that.



That's why I provide the blank check.



Thanks for letting me ramble.



God bless you all.

@Barbe:

Well, I'm going to take some stabs at this for my and your pure amusement...

It's probably got nothing to do with you or anything you did or how you did it.

Your man is 63. I can only wonder what my libido will be like at 63. Or my virility. I'm 46. I don't know if this stuff wears down like a regular battery-----or if it just cuts out after running full speed the whole time, like a lithium battery.

I think it's well documented fact that a good many a man talks a BIG game. Whether it's sex related or sports related or how much we can bench press or how good a fire we can build or how good a steak we can grill------a lot of us are shoveling it. Why do we do this? To keep pace with all the other guys who are shoveling it. Lol. Look at those dopey shows you're referencing-----no shortage of men who want to cut through the entire all girls dorm like a chain saw of love. Hehehe.... Most of these guys want 1 go 'round, a sandwich, then a nap. But no, every guy on TV wants it 3 times a night. Well, just like you ladies with the stupid Barbie Doll ideal that can't be lived up to-----we have to 'want it' 3 times a night like the studs on TV.

When your guy said he would lick the jar------that was when he could still CUT THE MUSTARD. Talk is cheap when you can still cut the mustard. There could be a lot going on there. He could be facing his own decline in this area not so well. He could be worried about performing. And like many men with sports------he may be reluctant to try to do something not as well as he used to. I used to play sports. I had a bad car accident, surgery and residual loss of balance------and I stopped playing. I was too frustrated about not being what I was on the basketball court or elsewhere. His desire could be lessened (not your doing----remember that) and coupled with maybe potential concerns about performing, he could just be avoiding something that could be more stressful to him than previously thought.

He might still talk or fantasize a big game, but performing at 80% might just remind him too clearly of the 20% that's not there anymore. Too tough to deal with for some.



I don't know how you fix it.



But you're a wise and good woman to appreciate the love he gives in the ways he still does.



I wish you the best.