BC and self blame--help desperately needed for a friend

You tell her there are plenty of thin, lifelong vegetarian, jogging, nonsmoking teetotalers here. They got breast cancer just the same.

Hi Redheadace1...I read your post a couple of hours ago and haven't been able to get it out of my mind. After I was diagnosed, I spent a fair amount of time blaming myself for getting bc. I am fairly faith-filled person and I wondered if God was punishing me for something I did or did not do. I convinced myself that being on birth control was to blame and that I should not have been on it. Then I moved on to blaming myself for not doing more frequent self breast exams and delaying my mammogram. Then I realized that blaming myself was doing me absolutely no good and was taking an enormous amount of energy that I could have been using more effectively...namely, to defeat this beast.

I also spent a lot of time, and mentioned to all of my doctors, that I come from a large family of people who are obese and some of whom are alcoholics and smokers, and many of whom do not take good care of themselves. Each of my doctors assured me that breast cancer is an equal opportunity disease and people of all different health statuses and lifestyles get it.

If your friend has bc, she did nothing to bring it on. If she has it, she will find a strenth within her that she did not know she had. She is lucky to have a friend like you who so wants to help. I wish I had some facts to share with you, but I don't. Perhaps if her biopsy is benign, she can use this as an opportunity to improve things in her life. Sometimes we all need a wake up call to change things. I agree that she could probably benefit from some professional help with all that she has been through.

I don't believe God ever gives us more than we can handle. If that is true, your friend is very strong. Please let us know how she is doing.

Powerhouse...I loved your post. You sound like a very upbeat and positive person. How are you doing? Next week, I will be two years out from initial diagnosis and I often find silver linings in my diagnosis and treatment.

Rabbit43

Your friend needs some help. She is brooding which is a sign of depression as is everything else you describe and considering her life, depression will not make it any better nor can depression just be "thought" away. She will probably need medication. Sooner than later. Antidepressants can stop the negative thinking (within a few weeks) in its tracks. I know. If a black thought comes my way it bursts like a bubble. They helped me get through BOTH BC diagnosis....but even if your friend is clear (and I DO hope so!) she still needs to see someone professionally. Its is terrific she has a friend like you! Thank you for being there for her. It isn't easy and many people turn away themselves.

I'm so sorrry for your friend and her rough life, and now this. what you mentioned - dealings with facts to convince her - sounds much like cognitive behavior therapy - which, if she's been getting therapy a long time, she might be able to do, with your help. When many things in your life turn out negative, the pattern can already be set - it will be bc, my life will be worse, I didn't look after myself, I deserve to get bc, why live anyway?It all sounds so deep and so sad. I agree, antidepressants plus talk therapy are needed - does she also have anxiety? When I have been depressed (often, and heavily) I am usually extremely anxious at the same time and skewered thinking lead me to the worst-case scenario.

Another possibility is, if this is too crippling, sometimes the meds are not enough and one neends a rocket - boost - quite literally - a combo of certain antidepressanrs plus something like an atypical antipsychotic (not that your friend is psychotic at all!) but the latter gives the boost to the former and shrinks actually call it California, or Limerick rocket fuel. It worked fo me when I was very, very down & out.

Your friend is so lucky to have you - and you seems to know about cognitive behavior therapy, which is claimed to really work. But it seems it will take a lot to get her thinking into a different channel, one that does not automatically undermine herself, poor girl.

Especially so if she actually does have bc, because that is the time when one of your greatest tools is self-love. To keep your immune system up, for one thing. Self blame and depression go together like a hand in a glove - been there - but, everyone here has beeen right about what their drs said - string-bean thin vegans get it - I personally believe  it mostly has to do with toxicity and the chemical barrage of plastics, strange substances the body has had to encounter in recent times, carcinogens. she is most definitely not to blame for living in the modern world. I wish you and your friend the best and give you a pat on the back for being such an insightful and compassionate friend.

redheadace1  - As others have said, tell her that cancer is a crapshoot.  I follow a blogger who was a marathon runner and got breast cancer!  I do hope your friend gets some therapy because she seems terribly depressed - understandable. Luckies to her!!

Years ago I had stage I cervical cancer. I was convinced that God was punishing me. My counselor wisely told me to tell my doctor this. When I did, she replied. "No, shit just happens." That was the best thing she could say to me.



I have lived as non toxic and healthy a life as I could. But still, I got stage iv HER2+ breast cancer. Shit just happens.

HELLO SWEETIE, SHE IS NOT ALONE, WHEN DIAGNOSED i THOUGHT IT WAS MY FAULT CAUSE I SMOKED CIGARETTES, i GOT OUT OF BLAMING MYSELF AND STARTED TO FIGHT AND HAVE LOTS OF HOPE, AND pRAISE gOD i AM NOW A 19 YR sURVIVOR. MSPHIL(IDC, STAGE,2, 0/3 NODES,l MAST, CHEMO AND RADS AND 5 YRS ON tAMOXIFEN) 

to all

Over the last few months since my diagnosis and surgery and chemo one always asks why me.  I so appreciate the post from power house.  I was not perfect in my diet but better than most.  I don't drink, eat fairly healthy, work out 4-5 days a week but have a very stressful sales job.  Keep wondering how I got here and the best advice I got from a relative stage 4 throat cancer, is to stop asking and blaming yourself. 

I also worked with my oncologist and found a psychologist to talk to that had breast cancer 11 years ago and had a young 7 year old daughter that had cancer..Both are here to tell the story.   Please help your friend find other woman , survivors and support groups to talk to..  Breast cancer is not a death sentance, but support and love and kindness is what gets you thru the nightmare

As a cell biologist I can say, it is just the stupid frigging cells that randomly mutate and decide to change on us and start growing faster and without respect for their neighbors. Most cells have a cell-cell contact that makes them stop dividing when they feel neighboring cells pushing at their sides.



Cancer cells are horrible, disrespectful little buggers and BAD neighbors and just keep growing and pushing other good sweet cells out of the way.



Nothing we did, nothing God did to us, just selfish nasty little cells that started growing faster than others.



Do all you can to kill them and help your good cells prevail! and none of this self blame okay? that is just bull. It is a random biological event and we were just unlucky enough to have it happen in our poor bodies.



Okay, back to fighting the good fight girls- please do all you can to take care of yourselves- for the good cells that are struggling to repair themselves. onward and upward!!