Having Trouble Moving on....

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Mocity
Mocity Member Posts: 451
edited June 2014 in Life After Breast Cancer

I haven't posted on breastcancer.org in a while.  I had a bilateral mastectomy Sept 2008 followed by treatment.  During that time I posted and read ALOT.  It was a lifesaver.  Now nearly 3 years later it is still at the front of my mind.  My Dad was dx with Renel Cell about the same time I was but his was advanced and then he got esphageal cancer that was unrelated to the RCC.  He passed away on May 2 of this year.  My mom died from breast cancer when she was only 38 and I was dx at 37 (40 now).  So, needless to say I have lived with cancer all around me my whole life.  I am thankful I caught mine early and want to believe it is behind me but I fear it is just a matter of time and I am always so stressed feeling like I am waiting for the return.  I am lucky in so many ways and I understand that however I need to figure out how to move on and be thankful for the here and now.  I am wondering if others feel the same way and how they do that.  Thanks for listening!

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  • badger
    badger Member Posts: 34,614
    edited July 2011

    hi cristlc, I edited my response and will send it to you via PM.  {{hugs}}

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  • dlb823
    dlb823 Member Posts: 9,430
    edited July 2011

    Cristic, I can only imagine how much harder moving on must be for you or anyone who has lost their Mom to bc -- especially so young! -- and then your Dad to another cancer.  I'm so sorry.  But the headline of this thread made think of a book I'm reading that is helping me with the emotional recovery from bc.  It's called Back To Life, by Alicia Salzer, M.D.  I had heard her being interviewed about it on Doctor Radio (XM), and I was so impressed that I ordered it the same day. The subtitle is, Getting Past Your Past with Resilience, Strength, and Optimism, and it's aimed at anyone who has experienced PTSD.  I'm only about halfway through it, but I highly recommend it!

    Also, shortly after I finished my tx and was still very traumatized by it all, I met a woman (one of those hand of God coincidences, if you know what I mean) who had experienced living through a war and fleeing with her family as refugees, and she taught me something very profound, which is that when we experience something very traumatic, we have to figure out a way to use it for good, or we will continue to be a victim.  I think that's a very a powerful concept, and one of the reasons I continue to post on BCO, because helping newly-dx'd women helps me, too.

    Other than that, one practical thing that I've found that has helped me to move beyond the constant fear and anxiety of bc has been just getting away and changing the scene, even for a day or two.  Changing the scene changes my thought patterns, and I always come back feeling much stronger and happier.     

    I hope some of these might help you, too.   (((Hugs)))    Deanna

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited July 2011

    CristlC- I could relate to a lot of the feelings you described.  My exchange was last June and I had found myself posting less and less.  Just recently I had a revision and I found myself back on here posting even more.  (It's like the mob- you try to get out and it pulls you back in!  LOL!)  Like Deanna, I find myself either trying to help others or posting when I feel a connection with someone.  For me, I think it's the camaraderie on here that draws me more than anything.  And I think between DX, treatment, surgeries and dealing with the emotions of BC it's just a long process for all of us.  I ask my Mom, who had cervical cancer years ago, when you stopped worrying about recurrence.  She said it never really goes away but it does diminish a lot.  She also said that sometimes a new loss can bring up old losses and fears like your Dad passing away.  I say everyone's timetable is different.  If you were so depressed by the whole thing you weren't functioning it would be a different story.  But you're able to acknowledge you have a lot of blessings in your life, and where you sense the anxiety is coming from, which are all healthy signs.  I read a quote here on BCO about the fear of recurrence that helped me.  I'll post it as well as a link to it's page.  

    "Living with the fear of breast cancer is having a whale move into your living room. One day, it just appears and is always in the way. Over time, the whale can get smaller, but it never quite goes away. Maybe, sometimes, it gets down to the size of a magazine rack and once in a while you bump into it. Sometimes, it swells up in your face again, like when you have a mammogram and they call you back for extra views." 
    —Barbarahttp://www.breastcancer.org/symptoms/types/recur_metast/where_recur/ 
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  • bonibsunshine1
    bonibsunshine1 Member Posts: 5
    edited July 2011

    Hey CristlC! I am sure glad to discover I'm not the only one who has never figured out how to move on! I can't even begin to imagine your level of stress since you have had to endure so much of it in your close family! My hat is off to you for continuing to fight the good fight and for just trying to figure out how to find that sense of peace ! I've been trying for 5 yrs now to find it... trying to learn how to kill the fear I walk around with everyday.... I'm 64 and so things I can do is very limited due to age as well as the damage the cancer left me with!

    I go to sleep so many nights thinking maybe if I had had an understanding mate to hold me at night and tell me everything is going to be alright , I wouldn't be so afraid of my future! I don't know, I wish I had some great words of wisdom to give you but I can't even find any for myself.It' really hard to keep a stiff upper lip when one is alone and trying to do it all by herself but still I know I have to keep trying! I know I can never give up trying to find that strength and sense of peace I so badly want to find! 

    I pray that you will find your way too, and know that you are certainly not alone in your feeling! Hold close to those you love and maybe someday soon their love for your will fill you so full there won't be any room for fear and doubt!! All you will feel the their love and devotion to you!! You will be in my thought and prayers!! 

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  • blondie45
    blondie45 Member Posts: 580
    edited July 2011

    So sorry you are feeling this way but I can totally understand why. I feel the same way so not sure on any suggestions for you, although I am slowly moving on now that I have gone through my stage 1 and 2 DIEP surgeries. It was just a big weight off my shoulders to finally get my other side prophylactically removed and reconstructed and find out that there was not bc in that side that they hadn't found yet. For me, I think I have done what I can do right now with medical advances and treatments, so I try to tell myself that and move on. I agree though that it is very tough to do.

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  • Mocity
    Mocity Member Posts: 451
    edited July 2011

    Thanks for all of the responses.  They are all helpful!!!

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  • jwilco
    jwilco Member Posts: 486
    edited January 2012

    I came across this post because I'm feeling like I'm having a lot of trouble just moving on.  Although for me it hasn't been but a few months.  Perhaps I'm trying too hard too fast.  But it helps when I read things from others that are feeling so much like me.  Helps me feel sane during an insane time of my life.  My husband is one that easily moves on, but for me it's difficult.  So I'll keep coming here and reading and try to stay positive.   I hope we all eventually can move forward with our lives where living life is more on our minds than the BC.

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  • jenni__ca
    jenni__ca Member Posts: 461
    edited January 2012

    j - moving on was hard for me as bc 'took over' my life for over a year - surgeries, treatment, medical appts, followups, and frankly just plain tired - hang in there and yes stay positive but don't beat yourself up if sometimes you just feel a bit down - find new interests or renew old ones - i found the health club (who knew i'd get to 60 and find sweating fun ???) and renewed my interest in genealogy (now back to the 1720's in the U.S. on a branch i'd been stuck on for years) .... best of luck to you

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  • Mocity
    Mocity Member Posts: 451
    edited January 2012

    jwilco,

     I started this thread and am sorry you are having a hard time moving on.  I guess I can say that I am feeling a little better.  I found a lady that is a therapist/massage therapist/hollistic focus/nurtitionist all wrapped into one.  :-)  Anyway, maybe we put too much stress on ourselves to "move on".  We just have to get use to our new life.   If you are only a few months out then I know you will feel better.  I had a really hard time when my Dad died in May but I think it was because I could never grieve over my losses because i was so focused on losing my Dad and the pain he was going through.  It was worse to see a loved one endure pain than to go through it myself.  Also, I have been taking Lupron for 3 years and now just switched to Tamoxifen and I think the Lupron was also making me very depressed and moody.  Who knows.   Just take it one day at a time and I will pray happiness surrounds you!

     C

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  • Magee5
    Magee5 Member Posts: 1
    edited February 2012

    Cristlc,

    I joined the site today. I was looking for a group that would be discussing how to move on... I am feeling so foolish and weak because I finished all treatment in November 2010. Here it is almost two years later  and I am still go over and over it. I can't seem to let it go. It's like I have PTSS. Every night as I am "trying" to go to sleep I think about getting BC again. Certainly I am worried about getting it again but I think I am feeling a void without it. It is as if a doctor, or nurse care or chemo fusion is gone I will surely get it again. Why can't I feel blessed and move on?

    Magee

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  • Mocity
    Mocity Member Posts: 451
    edited February 2012

    Hi Magee5,

     I am sorry you are having a hard time.  I really understand how you are feeling.  I worry all the time too and then I worry that I am wasting good times worrying.  Maybe instead of "moving on" we just have to figure out how to best deal with our new normal and new life.  I will pray that you find strength and peace and that every days gets easier.

    Hugs,  

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  • LynnME
    LynnME Member Posts: 35
    edited February 2012

    I am so glad I found this thread. It has only been 3 months PFC. I don't think a day has gone by that I haven't thought, will it come back.  I went back to work last week and although most knew, there are still those who ask, "Where were you?"  I have had good days and bad days, sometimes I just want to run away from all of this.  My husband was supportive, but now has moved on, it doesn't seem as easy for me.  Is this my life? I don't feel like I can tell anyone around me, but relieved I can share it here.  Now I know I am not alone.

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  • Mocity
    Mocity Member Posts: 451
    edited February 2012

    Hi LynnME,

    I think we all understand exactly where you are coming from.  My friends and family are understanding but I don't think they understand the constant worry I have now that I am a couple of years out.  Everyone means well but comments like... well, none of us know what is going to happen to us or I could get it just as easily get it as you will again..... don't really help.  But .... I am glad you found this thread and we can all share and complain and feel like people here really do understand.  I constantly beat myself up..... I am worried it will come back, then I am mad at myself for worrying about something that hasn't happened and feel like I am wasting precious time worrying.  So then I worry about myself worrying and remind myself that can cause cancer.  It sucks.  :-)

    You are not alone!  We all understand how you feel.

    Hugs,

    C

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  • SelenaWolf
    SelenaWolf Member Posts: 1,724
    edited March 2012

    "...when we experience something very traumatic, we have to figure out a way to use it for good, or we will continue to be a victim..."

    Beautifully said!  Gonna haveta steal it...

    However, all of us here understand that fear.  I mean, if our bodies betrayed us once, they can betray us again, right?  I think it's very normal to feel apprehensive once you've been through this. 

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  • AGeorgiaDeb
    AGeorgiaDeb Member Posts: 35
    edited March 2013

    Just read this thread!  This is my first time back in months.  I stopped reading  boards because I was trying to be normal again.  Fat chance!  Awake half the night, surgeries, weight gain (shame from that), erratic exercise because I am not even motivated or I am tired, drinking too much wine, can't talk about it anymore-who wants to hear about your cancer when in their mind you are done with it?  So I just suck it up and keep on trying.  Hot flashes-people think you are nuts when you tell you are dreading summer.  BUT I truly do feel blessed most of the time but all of this just kinda peeks its head in to remind you.  Then there are doctors appointments and bills......

    My husband was so great druing treatment but he has moved on and he should.  I think I am tired of being a pink person.  Thanks for the chance to unload this!  I know I should give it to God but he has already done so much this seems so trivial!!

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  • Mocity
    Mocity Member Posts: 451
    edited March 2013

    Hi Debbie! I started this thread and glad you are here. I don't check that often anymore. I completely understand what you are saying. Everyone else in my life gives me a high five and has moved on. They don't get the stress that stays with you.

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  • living
    living Member Posts: 45
    edited April 2013

    Visiting the site for a while now.  Just reaching out to see if anyone is having Zoladex injections every 28 days and Zometa iv every 6 months.  

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  • Shari0707
    Shari0707 Member Posts: 448
    edited June 2013

    Having zoladex( Lupron) and tamoxifen but not zometa.. Why zometa.. I trying to get my doc to put me on it!

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  • LRM216
    LRM216 Member Posts: 2,115
    edited June 2013

    I was four years out from diagnose this past February, and while life has gotten a bit easier, when all the lights go out each night and I am alone with my own thoughts, the fear of progression or recurrence always haunt me, no matter how I try to brush them away.  While I have done very well and am thankful for every day I have had since diagnose, I will always hate, hate, hate the fact that I will forever live whatever time I am given always looking over my shoulder to see if it's catching up to me again.  When our initial shocking diagnose is given to us, our innocence is ripped away forever and life is just never the same.  It's so wonderful to have this site and to know that we are never alone with our fears and that there is always someone here who "gets" just what we are feeling.  

    Linda

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