4 lumpectomies and awaiting pathology- emotionally spent

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Breathdeep62
Breathdeep62 Member Posts: 9
edited June 2014 in DCIS (Ductal Carcinoma In Situ)

I have read many posts about women who start their "cancer journey" similar to mine: " it's dcis, if you're gonna get breast cancer, this is the one; you get a lumpectomy, some radiation and you're done." I knocked on wood when they said that but I don't think it worked:

Results #1: didn't get it all, gotta go back in.

Results#2: got it all but margins weren't good enough

Results#3: we found more, I think you should get a mastectomy, and your BMI is too high for reconstructive. So I changed surgeons who ordered an MRI and she felt somewhat confident one more lumpy would do it and that while my BMI was up there, not unreasonable for reconstructive



Lumpectomy #4 awaiting results. I am sitting and waiting. The doctor called but I was having a lovely day with my son and niece, 6 days after 4th lumpectomy, feeling better, just wanting to have a nice freaking day without results and fear and tears. So I ignored the call and will have to wait until tomorrow. I listened to her message 3 times, thinking the tone of her voice held bad news.



My poor boob is starting to cave in but when I have on a bra and loose shirt, you can't tell unless you really look. But it's still there, I still have feeling in it. I really, really don't want a mastectomy. Who would have thought I'd be praying for 5 weeks of radiation?



The bottom line is, I'm feeling scared, scared of the surgery, scared of the recovery, scared of losing strength in my right arm, sick and tired of getting and recovering from surgeries, confused about the right bras and swim suits to get-swimming is my church-not being able to swim all summer, how it's affecting my family and friends, scared sex will never be the same, scared this might kill me, etc., etc.



Thanks for listening. I'm tired of leaning on my friends and family, it is weighing on them too and I just feel like I need to be around other people in my shoes.



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  • ballet12
    ballet12 Member Posts: 981
    edited June 2013

    I, also, passionately didn't want a mastectomy.  I was lucky to get it all in three lumpectomies.  Just before getting the results for the second lumpectomy, I did visit the prosthesis shop in the hospital, trying to get used to the idea that the surgeon would say we needed to move on to mx.  I was very happy that the surgeon wanted to try for a third.  My breasts are small 34 (barely a C), and I'm kind of missing the lower portion of the breast.  Fortunately, no one really sees it except me, when wearing molded bras (although those TYR racing bathing suits definitely show the lopsided situation.) Hopefully your fourth lumpectomy is the "dream" as a surgeon said to me about her patient that needed four to get clean margins. If not, you'll have to deal with it. 

    Maybe you'll have a bit of a break between the last surgery and the radiation and you can get a few swims in.  My previous surgeon said he generally wanted his patients to wait a month post surgery to swim, and yes, swimming in chlorine is a problem while doing radiation, because it is drying to the skin.  I don't know what they would say about fresh water swimming.  Best of luck to you in this journey.  You've been through an awful lot.

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  • Beesie
    Beesie Member Posts: 12,240
    edited June 2013

    Of course you are emotionally spent... what a time you've been through.  Hopefully the news from your doctor tomorrow is good and you are done with surgery. And if not, it's crappy, but you'll deal with it and you'll get through it.  A mastectomy was the last thing that I wanted but I didn't have a choice - too much DCIS in too small a breast. So I did it and I moved on with my life.  And life is good.

    (((Hugs))) to you.  And come back here and vent all you want.  We've all been through it so we know what you are going through.

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  • Breathdeep62
    Breathdeep62 Member Posts: 9
    edited June 2013

    Thank you for your words of encouragement and empathy. Sometimes it's hard to look at the bright side, count your blessings, et al. As a 51 year old woman I think I need to bear all with grace. But sometimes, you have to just break down and feel sorry for yourself. I just hate freaking out everyone around me. I don't want my friends and family to feel bad on my account, especially my youngest son, 13.

    Still awaiting phone call.

    I can do this.

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  • ballet12
    ballet12 Member Posts: 981
    edited June 2013

    Keep us updated and breathe deep!

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  • liefie
    liefie Member Posts: 2,440
    edited June 2013

    Dear Breathdeep, you are in a very tough situation, and my heart goes out to you. I guess in the end the decision is made for you, dictated by the circumstances. In my situation I was diagnosed with a small tumour, but it was behind my nipple, lumpectomy was not really an option, and right out the gate I had no other choice but mastectomy. Took me weeks to wrap my head around that, and come to grips with it. That was more than a year ago. Now I don't miss my breast anymore, and had DIEP reconstruction surgery 6 weeks ago which gave me back my breast using my own skin, fat, tissue, veins and arteries. I feel so grateful and blessed that this amazing surgery is available for women like me who have lost a breast. All the best, and big hugs to you!

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  • mrenee68
    mrenee68 Member Posts: 383
    edited June 2013

    Breathdeep I understand where you are coming from and I hope you get the answer you are looking for. My DCIS was to large so I had no choice but to have a MX. I won't lie, it totally sucks. Everyday it gets better and I hope one day to put all of this behind me. Hang in there.

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  • proudtospin
    proudtospin Member Posts: 5,972
    edited June 2013

    I had 3 lumpies but I am a DD+ so well, lots left.  My surgeon was great and promised she could get it all.

    Guess she did as it is now 5 years and so far so good although, tomorrow is my 5 year mamo~~~I do know that per my surgeon, since I did rads 5 years ago, if anything were to be found, I would have to do the mastectomy

    but I like I kept the dang boobie for 5 years so will see what we see

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  • Beesie
    Beesie Member Posts: 12,240
    edited June 2013

    Breathedeep62, yes, sometimes you do just need to break down.  Let's face it, you just got a major kick in the gut.  Sure, it's DCIS so it could be worse, but that's a longer term perspective. Right now you are dealing with surgery upon surgery upon surgery and lots of uncertainty and a bunch of crappy choices.  The good news is that I always found that after I gave myself permission to break down - for me it would be curling up in a ball in bed for a hour or two - I would always feel so much better afterwards.  More in control, better able to face whatever came my way. 

    proudtospin, good luck with your mammo tomorrow!  Looking forward to hearing that it was nothing more than a routine mammo and you are done for another year!

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  • proudtospin
    proudtospin Member Posts: 5,972
    edited June 2013

    thanks Bessie and I look forward to a non eventful mamo although not sure if I will get results right away, think it will be mailed since I am considered sort of long term followup~

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  • Breathdeep62
    Breathdeep62 Member Posts: 9
    edited June 2013

    My doctor didn't call today. Argh! Unbelievable.



    Beesie, you're right, melting down allows you to regroup. And put things into perspective. You are right, it could be worse. I reread my mri that said "no invasive carcinoma present." Thats a big positive!

    Everyone lives with the fear of cancer so that makes us warriors: we are fighting it head on. Some days will suck amd you gotta just ride it out. As my moniker says, breathedeep. Ativan helps too :-)

    Good luck proudtospin, I am sending good vibes your way.

    Thank you all, you have motivated me to join a support group. I think it will be the final step in accepting the fact that I have cancer. After 4 lumpectomies, lets hope its gone.

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  • Breathdeep62
    Breathdeep62 Member Posts: 9
    edited June 2013

    So, dr. Finally called and said we are within .1 of margin but my team thinks I can go ahead with rads. She has to examine me on Monday. That is what I prayed for but of course now I am second guessing myself thinking maybe I should just have the damn mx and get it over with.

    Like I said, I am emotionally spent and the decision is difficult on a good day. There are many pros/cons to both sides.

    Joined a support group today, my heart is lighter.

    Thanks again for your support, sisters in arms.

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