Chemo May 2013
Comments
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eh, you are allowed. We all have rough days. But we've got to do all we can now, to prevent it from coming back. That's what keeps me in treatment. I want to know that I've done all I can to try and prevent a reoccurance.
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This is definitely an emotional, mental and physical roller coaster we are all on. I've been watching a lot of funny movies to keep my spirits up. I don't want to be watching sad and depressing movies during this time.
Here is hoping for a good nights sleep before chemo in the morning. I hope every is feeling ok and are able to get some much needed rest Goodnight. -
Lorrie I feel the same. I used to be so positive and lately I've been down and depressed. I blame the chemo, the hormone imbalance, the aches and pains. Before treatment I felt well, now I feel like a sick weak person with cancer. We know we are really not, it's the effect of the treatment that will help us, but its a hard thing to get your mind around.
I think cancer wanted to teach me a lesson about vanity. I was finally happy with how I looked for the first time in a long time. I had lost weight, I had beautiful long blonde hair, the longest it's ever been, clear skin, white smile. Cancer says I'm gonna take it from you...my hair is gone, I'm averaging a pound gained for every week in treatment, I have terrible cystic acne and hyperpigmentation on my face from the chemo. I can't believe how far I am from the person I was in January. That's all I'm letting that bastard take though. Did you notice I didn't even mention my boobs being gone? For some reason I don't care about them. Hair grows, my skin won't always look like this, and hopefully these pounds aren't here to stay. What matters is sucking it up and letting that poison seek out those cancer cells and kill them! That's what I tell myself anyway! -
Lorrie,
Sorry you are feeling that way.
Prior to the start of treatment I had spoken with a BC survivor for about 2 hours on the phone, she kept mentioning "when the pity party starts go with it"...I thought to myself...I'm not the type for a pity party. I had been taking notes and finally wrote down Pity Party. Being the "researcher" that I am I looked up the rules for a pity party online after I got off the phone. I then made a sign to hang up. "Pity Party in Progress. Go Away". Then I sat my kids down and explained "the rules" of the pity party to them , showed them my sign and we all had a good chuckle, but they then understood I might need to do that and "what the rules are".
Long story short....we all have our little pity party here and there. (See, there are rules on the Internet). We sure as heck are entitled. You are still that positive person on the inside. Perhaps this "life lesson" (chemo and its effects) will enable you to help others who are going through, or will be going through, the same thing and they will see you CAN come out on the other side OK.
Big hugs for you Lorrie. One day at a time.
Pat -
Hey Everyone,
I think we're all in the same boat right now. I was UBER possitive at the beginning of this, never complained at all, and now i"m just a depressed weeping mess. But we are going through so many changes with the chemo and it's hard to be upbeat all the time.
So after surviving all the crappy SE of my last round of chemo - I ended up with a bad chest cold and really sore throat. Still haven't made it back to work
I am hoping to go back on Monday. And then my whole chemo regime will be different so who knows how I"m going to react moving forward. -
Hey ladies: Jenna you hit on the head! I have been down lately as well. I was physically strong and felt very healthy before the BC treatments started. I am tired of feeling sick and looking so different. I think they call us survivors because we have to survive all the treatment. My cancer did not hurt or make me ill but my treatments do and they also alter my life, eating habits, all the pills or Gods sake all the pills. Never took many before BC. Went to the doc once a year for that physical, and then Bamm I have a fleet of docs and tons of appointments and blood tests, I cant think about what is ahead and try to foucus just on the treatment cycle I am currently in.
My brain kept telling me all the reasons to sit in that chemo chair yesterday to kill any of those nasty little bastards thet may have gotton away, but my body was screaming run away, run away!
Guess we are all now in the phase of letting go of the past and learning what our "new normal" that everyone that when before us has been talking about. I am hoping we all look back on this in 6 months and realize how strong we have been through all of this, pity parties included!
Hughs to all out there! On my way back to the clinic for that Nasty Neulasta shot armed with my Claritin and my steroid pill!
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Yes - can so relate to being in that "healthy" place. I ran a full marathon in January! I felt so strong and powerful (although extremely tired - did not know I had cancer at that point!). And I was SO healthy - I had never even been under general anesethsia before - whenever I went to the docs I always checked all the "no" boxes on any questionaire!! And here I am, weak and pathetic and devoid of any fun....
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This 2nd nuelesta shot is breaking me. Every bone even in my face hurts so bad. I even took a Vicodin yesterday and didn't even touch the pain.
I haven't had hardly any nausea because I've been doing the phenergrine suppositories and zofran so that is good.
I was reading about Claritin I took one this morning but I'm guessing you have to do it before the shot?
I had my 2nd treatment on Monday and the shot on Tuesday. -
Are u guys able to sleep??
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Hi everyone. I started my chemo May 15 and have been lurking reading everyone's posts. It helps to hear everyone's experiences. I thought I'd share a few of my own, maybe they'll help someone, too.
INDIGESTION - I had never had real issues with indigestion in my life, not even when pregnant. My MO said the T/C would "tear up" my GI tract (one of his fellowships was in GI/Colon cancer) and had put me on Prilosec 40mg once a day. On day 15 of my first treatment I developed excruciating pain in my chest. MO doubled my Prilosec and I started to see some relief, but still was taking antacids before eating anything. When I went in for my checkup prior to tx #2 he asked how it was and when I told him I still could only eat bland food he added Zantac twice a day. This was like a miracle cure! The pharmacist said that by using both I could become dependent on them - but after crying myself to sleep one night, I don't care. At this point it is a QOL issue. MO also reduced my steroid dosage on the 2 days after treatment to see if that helped, too.
NEULASTA - my WBC were still very low after the shot, but my MO wasn't concerned. I did not have leg or hip pain, thanks to the Claritan. I did have horrible neck and jaw pain. I didn't even connect it to Neulasta, but MO said that was what caused it. He reduced the dose of my shot the second treatment from the 6ml to 3ml (makes me cringe that half of it is going to waste - but I am fortunate my insurance pays 100%) and this time I ached only a bit and was allowed to take ibuprofen for the aches.
What really prompted me to post are the recent posts about feeling down. I have had the same issue that last week or so. I took short term disability at my work and have been home and feel just plain lonely. I've decided to go back to work and just got the all clear from my company doctor, I'm hoping being back around my friends at work help pull me out of the dumps. I worked after my dx and took 3 days off after surgery and worked through my radiation and was much better emotionally - only having pity parties for a few minutes at a time (usually at home). I think some of it has been the days I am taking the dreaded steroids. But I feel if I sit here at the house I will be in a pit I will never dig myself out of! Of course, I'm getting nervous about going back to work LOL!
Have a good weekend, everyone!
Tina
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If you are having trouble sleeping, its mostly anxiety, according to my Mo. He perscribed Ativan, I take it and sleep until about 3, I wake and take another, gets me to about 7. Works like a charm.
I am sure if you ask they will give it to you. My MO said he is not concerned at this point about perscribing prevenative meds that we need to get though treatment. He said we will worry about weaning off later....heheheh. He is a good guy! He said no need to be miserable on top of everything else we are dealing with...kids, husbands, household running, and BC.
Just got back from Neulasta 3....so far so good. So funning the sales rep for Neulasta was there when I was getting the shot and the nurses were telling him how much Claritin works for getting rid of the nasty bone pain! You go girls!
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Alibeth, I can only sleep if I take half an ativan. Before chemo, I used to sleep pretty well, with an occasional melatonin. I know other women here are taking the ativan it seems. If you haven't tried it, you may want to. I think it is addictive, but I'm planning on getting off it, after all this is over. Otherwise, I wouldn't be able to sleep. Some nights I try and then give in the the Ativan at 1 or 2, but other nights I figure I might as well take it when I go to bed and get a good night's sleep. Getting outside and going for walks also helps with the sleep.
Carla, thanks for the sympathy.
I'm feeling right with everyone on the positive attitude thing and how being in the middle of chemo kinda sucks some of that out of you. I too have told my husband that I want to quit after my fourth treatment sucked my vitality out of me and made me feel like crap. But yesterday, I went in and had my 5th treatment. Congrats to everyone half way. Next week will be my half way point. Maybe doing this is a different kind of marathon.
I think the positive attitude that most of us have is that we're going to beat this. Allowing ourselves to acknowledge that we feel crappy along the way is just reality and being honest. It is strange, though to go from feeling healthy to having the treatment make you sick. It's made me more committed to an even healthier diet and more exercise after it's over. I hope that I really put that into action. Right now, all I can manage are walks for exercise and, some fruit most days, and salads on my 2-3 good tummy days a week.
I'm rooting for everyone. May you have few side effects, more good days than bad and may you be kind to yourself on the bad days.
Deb -
Gully - maybe they will admit there's more pain with Neulasta than the ads let on LOL!
My nurse told me how my MO had not heard of using Claritan for the pain when he first came to my Cancer Center - but he is sold on it now and prescribes it to all patients geting Neulasta - he is such a good guy! Not every doctor is so flexible.
I don't have trouble sleeping. I do sleep less than I used to and I am careful not to take a long nap during the day. I used to sleep about 8 hours a night, now I can't sleep longer than 6.
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I have been blessed to have more good days than bad days. Working has surely improved my mood as I was very depressed while out on disability.
That being said I try to follow what my body tells me. I sleep when I am tired, turn over chores to kids and dh when I am worn out. Sounds simple but I am very used to doing it all and was astounded that I cant. MO reminded me I am not superwoman and to get over it!
Hope all have a good weekend
Lisa -
Lisa, I feel like superwoman when I have the energy to do laundry and put things away. It's not that often, but it's a great feeling!
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Down to one eyelash on one eye. And yes, I applied mascara to it today.
About 6 or 8 hairs on my eyebrows, but they are laying wonky so those will be gone soon. I hope they grow back before too long. Weird looking. -
So yesterday morning at about 4a.m. the pain from my wrist, hand and arm woke me up. red spots were still there and it was swollen. Went to see my onc and thought she would put me back on antibiotics. Much to my suprise she got a room for me at the hospital. Ends up I had a fever too. Started me with one antibiotic i.v. but when my hand swelled bigger and my temp went 101.8, they added a second antibiotic. Never a dull moment. today my fever is down to 99 and the swelling is not as severe. one day at a time. I can"t think of what I've been through or what's ahead of me because it gets to overwelming. i look at it like this....You know ItisWhatitis. We have to GoWithTheFlow. I mean Gully gee whiz, as long as PattySmiles and we are a DebWarrior life will be fine.
Blessings to all of us in this crap season of our lives. - Carla
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Carla,
Sorry for your hospitalization. Rest up, get better and soldier on. It WILL get better.
Go with the Flow...one eyelash. You are an inspiration. I'm thinking of changing to mascara that isn't waterproof so I won't have to rub so hard to get it off!
Pat -
I thought I would share this.
A former co-worker of mine anonymously signed me up. (I found out later who it was) to receive good wishes from strangers. The cause is Joan's monarch wishes. I had to google it to find out what exactly Joan's monarch wishes was. Here is a link that might explain how it started better than I could. http://t.recordonline.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20120823/COMM/208230307/-1/NEWS14&template=tabletart. If not google it.
Anyhow, I get a bunch of well wishes each month, from complete strangers, and have been getting them for 3 months now.
Today I received another and I thought it was appropriate to share due to a lot of us being overwhelmed (myself included). I imagine it was copied from somewhere (not that it matters)
"What Cancer Cannot Do"
"cancer is so limiting....
It cannot cripple love
It cannot shatter hope.
It cannot corrode faith.
It cannot destroy peace.
It cannot kill friendship.
It cannot suppress memories.
It cannot silence courage.
It cannot steal eternal life,
It cannot Conquer the Spirit.
Just thought I would share.
Pat -
Pattysmiles- Beautiful. Thank you for sharing.
Carla
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Went to my local Relay for Life, fundraiser for the American Cancer Society.
I thought I might handle it emotionally, but I didn't.
I was ok to check in, get a goody bag and have dinner.
When I went to check out a table they were handing out boxed butterflies to set free as a group. The woman who gave me my butterfly had a daughter in pre-school with my son, years ago. Her daughter moved on and had cancer, and subsequently died (I had heard through the grapevine). I ran into this woman in the fall after all these years and i had told her I had a dream about her daughter who had passed. We chatted briefly and I remember saying "I don't know why she visited me".
So here she is handing me a butterfly and I am almost in tears, as I remind her of our little run in from the fall....and I said "I guess I know why your daughter visited me!"
After That I walked around and checked out the booths and then there was the ceremony to open the event. As I sat in the "survivors" area and listened. they mentioned how the first lap would be walked by the survivors and their caregivers while every one else would cheer us on. I could not picture doing that lap, and especially not to cheers.
I left before the survivor lap.
I don't think I would classify myself as a survivor. I feel like I am still fighting. Classify me a fighter!
I think I still have a long road ahead of me before I would be comfortable with the term survivor.
Anyhow, finished up the night at my daughters Girl Scout meeting. I liked being in a "normal" environment.
Pat -
Pat... & everyone else... Thank you for sharing your experiences! It makes me feel "not so alone!
I have plenty of family and friends that want to be there for me... To support me.... I feel like I get more benefit from you ladies... Because you know what we're going through...
I love and adore my family & friends for their support... I think in some odd way, I don't want it because it makes me feel less than what I was before BC... I'm working through it tho!
Thanks for all of you chiming in on the pity party I'm in... I'm doing much better knowing that it's my new "normal"... And I will... We ALL will get through it!
I never cancelled my picc apt. I stayed on the fence all week! I will be going in on Monday to get it. My hubby will be there and I'll take an Ativan just before for the nerves. I figure from "I feel a lump" until now, I have endured much less while awake and can do this! I'll laugh if when it's over I say " it was nothin"... This means more visits to the hospital, but less worry about each IV and vein damage in the future!
Thanks all for all of your input! I hope everyone is doing well this evening! Have a super-d-duper-weekend!
Happy thoughts!
Lorrie -
Lorrie,
Good luck with the picc line. I'm jealous!
Pat -
Carla, you are too funny! Sorry you ended up in the hospital, but hope they get it under control and you are feeling better soon.
Patty, if it's not waterproof mascara, I'd cry it off in 5 minutes. I sobbed monday and today on the rad table. I don't know why it scares me so much. I love that poem. It's so true and inspirational! The relay for life story is so touching. And you are a survivor in training woman! I went two years ago after my thyroid cancer. Last year I was on the planning committee for my local relay. I just couldn't bring myself to go this year. Maybe next year.
Good luck on Monday Lorrie!
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Carla,
So sorry to hear about your hospitalization. That sounds rough. Hope you're feeling better now. Sending good wishes for a much easier time moving forward.
Deb -
Pat - thanks for that poem. And the touching story.
Lorrie - good luck with the PICC line - I think it's a good decision. Carla - so sorry you ended up hospitalized. Just another round of crappy luck!!
I have been posting on this local message board since I had my son in 2006 - it's called "Triangle Mommies" and it's basically a place for moms who live in the Raleigh/Durham/Chapel Hill area etc. Anyway - i logged on this morning and one of the long time members lost her 3 month old son. I don't know how or why but it really took my breath away and put things back into perspective for a moment for me. I can't imagine if it was one of my children going through cancer. This all is crappy right now, but I'll beat this and we'll move forward....
We are headed to the beach today and are staying overnight. I can't wait to feel the sand between my toes and the sun on my shoulders. I'll be rocking my Buff (SPF 50!!).
Stay strong ladies
xx
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I had chemo #2 yesterday. I got great news after my blood test, my white blood cells were high enough I still don't need the neulasta shot. That made my day. I still had them push the Cytoxan for an hour. I got a mild sinus pressure/headache from it again. So glad I didn't let them do it in the normal 30 minutes. Next time they told me they could push Tylenol before it or I could take some myself. Also told me to make sure they always do it for the hour. It makes my chemo day a four hour visit but well worth it. Yesterday was a good day. My daughter stayed with me until dinner time (she takes me to my treatments) then my parents came over with dinner. We went for a walk and watched a movie after. I even got some sleep last night. I woke up a lot but was able to get back to sleep. I did wear a scarf part of the day yesterday and from now on most of the time I am out of the house. I can see more scalp than hair and I hate how my scalp hurts. But I/we will get through this it will grow back. I so far still have eyelashes and eyebrows but I have a feeling those will go after this treatment.
I hope you all have a good weekend! The beach sounds wonderful! -
Kate... Have a great time at the beach!
Angie... I hope you are in less pain now! I felt the same pain after my treatments & I don't get the N shot that some of you do.... I hope it eases up for you!
Hubby went off riding today... After last weekends ride, I opted to stay home and cook! I love being in the kitchen! Gonna whip up some yummies to take to a BBQ at some friends tonight. A lot going on next week at the hospital, so I'm gonna enjoy every minute of the weekend!
I hope the rest of you are feeling as well as possible!
Happy thoughts!
Lorrie -
ukkate, Lorrie,GoWithTheFlow and Deb Warrior - Thank you for the god wishes.
Lorrie - Good luck with your picc insertion. I have a feeling that it will go well. Also, have fun at the bbq.
Ukkate - so sad about the woman losing her 3 month old child. i just could not even imagine the pain. Have yourself a perfect time at the beach.
Teresa - glad you don'thave to get aneulasta shot this go around. That is a blessing. Sounds like a few blessings going on.
Each of us has this journey that we are taking. One that kind of smacked us in the head. And keeps smacking us. What I love, is that we can lay it out here with no judgements, only empathy and understanding. And what I also love, is hearing the little blessings each of us gets in the midst of it all.
For me, so many, everyday, as long as I look for them. Even when I maybe feeling at a low point.
still in the hospital with an infected hand. won't be able to be with my family on father's day. that sucks. BUT, here I am, in a room by myself. All three meals a day are cooked for me., t.v. good movies, No one asking me to do anything. And it's Dr's orders. How can I possibly complain too much. Next Thursdayis supposed to be my 2nd treatment (as long as this infection gets under control.) Let's see how blessed I feel a couple of days after that. ha ha It will be there, I may just have to look a little harder.
Hoping for a good weekend for all and a Happy Father's Day to all the daddys.- Carla
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Carla, hope that infection gets cleared up and you are home soon!
Just got back from taking my son and his friends to Best Buy for the Nintendo game preview. They are now in the livingroom playing games. I've missed that over the last 6 months. So glad Im having a good day so I could take them.
Going to nap because there's a "dive in movie" at the waterpark tonight. I won't go in the water so I don't erase my sharpie markings for rads, but two friends are coming so I'll have company sitting around.
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