The never ending funk

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anastasiab
anastasiab Member Posts: 8
edited June 2014 in Mental Health: Because Cancer Doesn't Just Affect Your Breasts

Maybe I'm being too optimistic, but I really thought I would handle this whole breast cancer journey more graciously than I have.  I was diagnosed in January and have my mx on Jan 31 with subsequent lymph node dissection in mid March.  I think I totally disassociated myself from Jan 4, when I was diagnosed and didn't check back...but hadn't realized I had check out.  My live in BF left me the week I started rads, dumping me via text twice within a week (for the record, I didn't take him back after the first time and in fact, told him to never call me again, not sure why he felt the need to do it again a second time, but this was a totally different thread on another board).  I finished rads 2 weeks ago, but over the last 8 weeks, I have gone from bad to worse.  Profoundly sad and depressed.  Sobbing for no reason in the middle of the day.  I have a great support system and even two great sons who oddly enough adore me (they're 13 & 16).  I have onc social workers, a fantastic pcp and a psychiatrist independent of this whole ordeal, but I can't seem to pull my head out.  Honestly, if I didn't have my sons, I would kill myself.  Does this ever get better???  How long can I expect this to last?  I've read on different threads one year and two years...I'm on lexapro 20 mg; tomorrow I'm meeting with an onc psychiatrist to tweak a med or something.  Can anyone offer any hope about this journey?  I'm ready to hop off this train ASAP.

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  • barbe1958
    barbe1958 Member Posts: 19,757
    edited June 2013

    anastasia, first, know that you are NOT alone in feeling like this!!!! We are women. We are GREAT during the crisis and can even lift cars off our children if we had to.....but, when the crisis is over, we allow ourselves to break down and cry. With breast cancer, it's never really over. You will have to deal with vigilence and the reminder of the loss of your right breast for the rest of your life. You MUST tell your doc tomorrow how desperate you are feeling!!! It's like being in a war. We have seen the bullet that might kill us. This is serious shit.

    Your emotions WILL settle down as you get used to the fear cycles of tests and scans. But you might end up having to take something with the Lexapro to get you balanced at this point. It may take weeks to find the right cocktail that your body needs to feel "safe". Do not give up on a medication if you feel woozy or dizzy at first as that feeling settles down. You HAVE to give the meds a chance to work. Make sure you mention the feeling of the fact that only your kids are holding you back from killing yourself. Sadly, suicide has always been an "option" for me and I had to find the right meds to make sure I didn't perform a permanent solution to a temporary problem!!

    You WILL feel better, but you DO need time. For goodness sake, you're only 5 months out!! Get the help you need and know that we care dearly for your mental health.

    With love,

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  • Nel138281
    Nel138281 Member Posts: 2,124
    edited June 2013

    Ditto what Barbe said.  Yep a tweak of meds may be a huge help.  This is an overwhelming experience and we should expect some changes and emotional breakdowns.  I am sure you have handled it all gracefully, and breaking down is not ungraceful - -it is to bee expected.  Not crying etc some of the time - -would be not handling it well.  And you probably never had the time to mourn the loss of your BF.  Even if you realize it is better, really he had to break up twice, that was for his benefit hoping you would ask him back!  Male ego.  You need to mourn the loss of any realtionship. 

    Yes it will take time and it will improve.  No jumping off the train - it will slow and become a beautiful sunny drenced convertible!

    Be well

    Nel

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