A Rant: I HATE YOU stupid cancer

gramwe
gramwe Member Posts: 251
edited June 2014 in ILC (Invasive Lobular Carcinoma)

Through this journey/nightmare I've done everything possible to remain up beat, positive, optimistic. I've shoved my real feelings into my gut, until today! I hate you, you nasty cancer. I hate what you've put my body through. I hate the financial burden you've put on my family. I hate that you've stolen my sense of well being. I hate that you've taken my self confidence. I hate that you took my breast. I hate that well meaning people pat my back and tell me with reconstruction or foobs you can be whole again. NO I CAN'T. Foobs out of a box are NOT real. Months of tissue expanders and gel implants are NOT real. My real breast are gone, their tissue was probed, prodded, and disposed. I hate that I now have to ingest drugs that kill the hormones that made me female. I hate you drug companies who make millions of dollars playing with our lives. I hate every flipping thing associated win cancer.

End of rant.

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  • ndgirl
    ndgirl Member Posts: 986
    edited June 2013

    I will second that big time!! I too have been trying to be as upbeat as possible with all things going on with our bodies and never before had to take any meds and now this pill that I will never know for sure is keeping the cancer away or not.. just rolling the dice I guess. I know we are not to be vain, but damn! it is hard to have a positive image of our bodies now isnt it? I am not having reconstruction or at least not now, but kinda wish I would have had the other removed at the same time, but cant look back now. Hang in there we are just going thru a tough time and it is ok to vent!!

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  • wallycat
    wallycat Member Posts: 3,227
    edited June 2013

    Gramwe, you said it!

    I am 6 years out and thankful I am still here, but there are days I weep.  I weep for the whole me that will never be.  I weep for the angst and worry, for the loss of my breasts/sexuality, for the doctor visits that they insist we have to have.  I miss that I was unable to go through menopause naturally and that the drugs may have caused longer term ramifications, yet unknown.  I HATE that breast cancer is never cured and as personality type that plans and wants to know everything, this has been the ultimate slap in my face, never mind much else.

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  • codavis
    codavis Member Posts: 122
    edited June 2013

    A second before I read the title to this post, I was thinking, "I hate you cancer!" I go through periods in which I force myself to ignore it, but the truth is, just as gramwe wrote, it's always there. Every time I get dressed (or undressed). Every time I look in the mirror. Or take a shower. Or try to imagine what it was like when I had two relatively equal-sized natural breasts. I'm uneven. I don't feel normal, and I hate it. I know I could have more surgery to even things out, but I just can't face more. I'm in a funk right now, and I blame CANCER!

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited June 2013

    I'm with you all here. I hate stupid cancer too. In less than two weeks I'm back to being touched, probed, incised, bruised, sick, anesthetized, in pain, and then two real parts of me are GONE forever.  I hate that I had positive nodes and whenever anyone hears that part of my story, they wince, like I'm already done for.  I hate that I have to mutilate myself in order to TRY to buy myself a few more years.  ARRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!  I HATE CANCER!

    (that felt good and now I feel better!)

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  • Crescent5
    Crescent5 Member Posts: 442
    edited June 2013

    Gramwe I get it. Cancer sucks. It sucks moose d*ck. It's a c*** s******* m******** and all the other things.

    I loved my breasts, and I will probably always miss them. But I want you to know there's life after this. I don't call my reconstructed breasts foobs or anything like that. They're my breasts. I earned them. No I don't have the same feelings, and they're not always warm. But I've grown to love these girls. They are part of me now. I didn't grow them, but I earned them. I fought tooth and nail for them, and cancer's not going to get these puppies. I never thought I would feel that way, but I do.

    Scream, punch, kick, get mad. Cancer sucks! But I promise you will live again. You won't be exactly the same woman, but you'll be here to fight on and to inspire the next women.

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