Extreme anxiety before followup mammos & -- HELP!

I was diagnosed with early stage IDC, 1 cm left breast, no nodal involvement, ER-PR positive in March 2010, had a lumpectomy and radiation only (no chemo needed) at a prestigious hospital, following with Arimidex for 5 years. Since I had a complete hysterectomy a few years prior, I have no ovaries. All of my 6-month followups have been normal. I realize I am very blessed it was caught on digital mammogram, as it could not be felt. I fully realize I am blessed overall.



Still, despite the faith and trust I have in my doctors and the hospital, prior to EVERY single 6-month followup I become extremely anxious leading up to the mammo and exam. Since it's been 3 years post DX I don't usually think about my diagnosis, but I'm a wreck prior to followups. My followup and exam is tomorrow. I particularly dread the 20-30 minute waiting period after the mammo before the tech tells me if I'm "okay to go," meaning they saw nothing suspicious. I've been blessed with an "okay to go" for 3 years, yet I actually get physically sick and wake trembling a few days prior to followups. I keep thinking they'll call me back for an ultrasound (like when I was diagnosed) and although I consider myself strong, I am weak in this area. I pray to remain calm, but the anxiety overtakes me. I've been on clonazepam for several years and am advised to take 1/2 more tablet prior to mammo, but it has little effect. Once I even took another 1/2, was still anxious but just fatigued.



I have only two people to emotionally support me. My husband used to go with me, but because of his business rarely does now. My 22-y/o daughter just graduated from college and insists on taking me. I don't know if I should let her, although she has come once in the past and insists on it.



I believe in God and pray continually not to be extremely anxious prior to exams, but even when I distract myself I wake up trembling. Since I know I was blessed with early stage disease and no recurrence to date, how can I COPE with this extreme ANXIETY. I have to be bike to accept whatever comes my way without falling apart. Oddly, I took my initial diagnosis very well. It's just the days leading up to the followup exams that cause me to become abnormally anxious and depressed, etc. I do briefly discuss it with my husband when he sees me so anxious, but the obligatory "you'll be fine" he gives me doesn't help. My 22-y/o daughter can see I'm anxious today with a medicated (severe) migraine and I hate this weakness in myself, especially since I know how blessed I've been. I used to work at this very hospital and I know I'm fortunate.



I do NOT want to be like this before exams. Does anyone have any tips that help me? Tonight I am going to a restaurant gathering for a few graduations in the family (including my daughter) and have o get we'll and calm down. I thought my BC "sisters" would know what to say to me. I was VERY strong when first diagnosed; it's just the followup exams and mammos that cause this over-the-top anxiety. I have no symptoms leading me to worry, but then again I had no symptoms or palpable lump when first diagnosed.



Help please? I apologize in advance for being such a baby. Please excuse typos as my migraine is severe. Thank you for reading this. xo

Comments

  • ByFaith
    ByFaith Member Posts: 270
    edited May 2013

    P.S. If it's any help, my oncologist is very kind and comforting and says all the "right things" so I don't worry, but I still get this way. I have called her once in the past in hopes of decreasing anxiety and even had post-treatment therapy sessions from a hospital psychologist who sees only cancer patients as part if my overall treatment plan. This therapist has even seen me since then, but nothing helps. What is wrong with me?!?! It seems my early life experiences (family died at early ages; only sibling died of cancer when he was 11 and I was 7 and it was a horrific shock) have led me to be this way and I would love any and all tips. Bess you all.

  • ByFaith
    ByFaith Member Posts: 270
    edited May 2013

    P.S.S. if it's any help, I've been diagnosed with chronic intractable migraines, chronic anxiety and moderate (with antidepressants) depression for nearly 20 years. The Arimidex is the best of the AI's I've taken, but still worsens my depression, once to severe. I expect a change of antidepressant soon. When my sibling died at age 11 when I was 7 years old, my parents told me only they had a "sickness, like a bad cold." When he died in our home it was inconceivable to me that young people could even die. Since then it seems I always project the worst to try to avoid shock. Therapy over my adult years has helped me to understand, but not for the worrying to go away. As an example, I've long overcome related OCD, but still have long-standing anxiety. I want to be happy. I have much o be happy for. No one has ever helped. I pray all the time for myself and others. Sorry to ramble. :-/

  • kaza
    kaza Member Posts: 284
    edited May 2013

    Dawnsm....i also have a follow up appointment tomorrow, feeling very anxious also, we cannot control our emotions, i also try to distract myself .

    We were both dx at an early stage, our prognosis is rearly good, the chances of us facing this again is so small, we should have a long life ahead of us.....BUT  even though we know this we cannot change the way we feel, maybe experiences in early life affect our emotions in dealing with this. I keep saying to myself this time tomorrow the app will be over, i wish we lived closer, sending you (HUGS) xxxx

      

  • ByFaith
    ByFaith Member Posts: 270
    edited May 2013

    Kaza ... Thank you. I'm surprised anyone read through my long post. You're a kind soul. :)



    I agree with what you said, and it will help me to think of your kindness and wise words tomorrow. I'll pray your anxiety goes away as well.



    I have a family celebration event to attend tonight and with my migraine, don't know if I'll be able to make it. I'm limited to treating migraines no more than 2-3 times a week.



    I'll be thinking of you, kaza. Hugs back at you!

  • kaza
    kaza Member Posts: 284
    edited May 2013

    Dawnsm.....i will be thinking of you also tomorrow...regarding family celebrations this evening...only go if you rearly want to, having a migraine and having to make conversation with others may be hard. Perhaps having a relaxing bath, and some me time may help that migraine. I sometimes feel making time for oneself and doing what you truely feel, not always trying to please others gives a sense of control over ourselves, and can reduce stress/anxiety..hoping you feel a little more relaxed soon. PM me anytime kaza xxx

  • ByFaith
    ByFaith Member Posts: 270
    edited May 2013

    kaza -- Your words are sincerely wise and very comforting. Just reading what you posted relaxes me overall and relieves me of some guilt this evening regarding the event. I hope your wise words -- and the loving thoughts of myself and others -- calm you tomorrow, too.{{HUGS }}

  • ICanDoThis
    ICanDoThis Member Posts: 1,473
    edited May 2013

    I did the same thing, so many of the same reasons.

    What finally worked for me was Cognitive Behaviorial Therapy - I worked with a therapist who specializes in this treatment, and learned how to change the experience.

    Took a while, so it may not help for this time-around, but it really made a huge difference. I got to be in charge of my feelings.

  • LittleMelons
    LittleMelons Member Posts: 273
    edited May 2013

    Hi Dawnsm,

    I was diagnosed a few months after you were in August, 2010 with a similar diagnosis.  I am also grateful that it was caught on a routine mammogram as it was not palpable and am happy that I have a relatively good prognosis.  However, I feel very anxious about follow-up mammograms as well.  I am having one in just over a week and am worrying already.  I find it comforting to think of the worst case scenario, i.e. that they find something suspicious that turns out to be a recurrence.  When I think of that, I realize that I can handle it as I handled it fairly well the first time around and am fortunate to live in a big city with good cancer care available.

    I also had an unstable childhood, with the early death of my mother and being left with a father who obviously didn't enjoy having children.  These early experiences no doubt contribute to our anxiety.  I think you should try another medication other than clonazepam as it is not working well to alleviate your anxious feelings. Maybe Ativan which is directed at anxiety.

    Try to schedule a treat for yourself after mammograms, so you have something to look forward to - dinner out, shopping, a good movie, whatever you enjoy.  I hope your mammogram is done now and all is well.

    Come and talk to us here about your anxiety.  We understand how you are feeling!  I don't talk to non-BC people about my anxiety anymore as the eye glazing-over reaction is a downer. 

    Take care.  Big hugs!!!


  • ByFaith
    ByFaith Member Posts: 270
    edited May 2013

    Thanks LittleMelon, ICanDoThis & Kaza ...



    All of you gave great advice! First things first, thank God (literally), my mammo was fine as well as my oncology followup. It always humbles me to see how many people are living with serious health issues; today's hospital visit was no exception. I find it helps me to think of good things in the future for them and take my mind off my (fortunate) self.



    Today, while awaiting my mammo results, a woman came out of a nearby ultrasound room asking where the restroom was. I directed her, noting she was wearing a blanket because she was cold. She said on her way back, "The biopsy doesn't hurt," even though she knew I wasn't there for one. I think it was her first biopsy and I felt compassion for her. I smiled and told her yes, I'd had one before and "women are so strong, aren't we?" I wanted to hug her because she looked alone and afraid, but she disappeared back into that room. I'm thankful it's such a great hospital with such loving practitioners. Still thinking of her tonight.



    Did I handle my pre-visit anxiety well? No?! I added another half clonazepam while waiting for results. About 45 minutes after, I could barely stay awake for my oncology appointment, although my oncologist said I looked great. Won't do meds again. Yes, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy sounds like just what I need.



    Hugs to all of you for caring for a fellow "sister."

  • pegnie
    pegnie Member Posts: 17
    edited May 2013

    Wow - you all are talking about me!  I have always been afraid of what any dr. would say, not only for myself but also for my husband and my kids.  I know the reason - my mother was the third of three kids, born actually in the late 1800's, and her two siblings died very young, leaving her as the only child in the family.

    My mother was so devastated about this loss that she was, understandably, very fearful about any illness that my sister or I had and therefore communicated that obsessive fear to me.  Don't know if my sister feels that or not because in addition to the above, my sister has cut me out of her life so we don't speak at all.  That's another issue and off-topic here.

    Anyway, I've developed a kind of superstition about going to the dr.  I figure if I worry enuf in advance nothing bad will happen.  Now this is totally without any rational foundation because of course I worried when I had the mammogram that showed my bc, and the worrying didn't keep the problem away.

    My friends sometimes kind of tease me by asking me to worry about them before they have potentially serious dr. visits.  (I tell them OK, I'll worry for you.)

    The only way I can get my mind off the waiting period in the waiting room at the mammogram clinic is to take a hard crossword puzzle with me and work on that.  That's another stupid superstition - I worry if I don't take the puzzle that I'll get bad news.

    I've had plenty of cognitive behavioral therapy.  It just doesn't work with this very deeply ingrained fear.

    Would love to hear other opinions on this and also for the recent mammogram appointment people, I hope that everything was fine.  Please let us all know.

  • kaza
    kaza Member Posts: 284
    edited May 2013

    Dawnsm....i was thinking of you yesterday, we did IT and we had good news regarding mammo....what a relief to know thats it for 6months, the anxiety this causes is so bad.

    I am sure past experiences mainly from childhood affect us now, my childhood was not great and i lost my brother at a young age.

    While i was at the hospital yesterday i was waiting at reception to let them know i had arrived, there were a few of us waiting,one lady had already had her mammo we just lookes at each other and smiled, that look said everything she said i just want to run out of here, i felt the same, so not in control anyway had my mammo got results that were fine i was shaking so much when i came out, managed to keep my emotions together my friend who was with me starting crying so i comforted her, it is also hard for our friends and family, i felt guilty causing her to feel this way. when i escaped went into town, then to a garden centre where there were water features, we just stood looking at them, the trickling water created a calmness both my friend and i were just standing there an extreme tiredness came over both of us, like a real relaxation we both felt we could have dropped off to sleep on our feet, so calm feeling the emotions drifting away.............

    I hope you also find calmness,cognitive therapy may help us cope with these emotions i am certainly going to give it a go and inquire today.

    Hoping you are feeling a little better today and your headache has eased, sending you warm and sincere hugs Kazaxxx

    Ps...i am going to get a water feature for my garden   Godbless  

  • pegnie
    pegnie Member Posts: 17
    edited June 2013

    Good for you, Kaza!  So glad to read that the trauma is over for 6 months.  Honestly, I start worrying more than a month in advance.  So purposeless but as I wrote, it's a kind of superstition.  Duh - to think that if I worry enuf I won't have any problems.  But can't seem to break that habit.

    Anyway, we've moved to another state but I'm still keeping my onc team in FL, so will be going back there for a full day of drs. appointments in June.  Want to get it over with!

    Tks for listening. 

  • kaza
    kaza Member Posts: 284
    edited June 2013

    pegnie......hi, we all have our own way of coping, worrying is just so normal, and we all have our little coping habits, its whatever helps us to ease anxiety/stress a little.

    I will be thinking of you as you approach your appointment, please post date and time, so good you have kept your original onc team as they are familar with your your dx and surgery. You will soon have this ordeal over and then 6mths to put it to one side/ or at least in a litte box on the top shelf, i guess thats how i cope, as soon as appointments are over all paperwork, appointment cards i put in a little box as soon as i get home, they then go on top of my wardrobe right at the back, there they stay for 6mths works for me, its sort of now thats it over, freedom for 6ths if you what i mean. Treat yourself well the next few weeks, do what ever you enjoy, have some treats, PM me anytime.....sending you a big HUG ...kaza xx    

  • crystalphm
    crystalphm Member Posts: 1,138
    edited June 2013

    I have had anxiety to the extreme also...and what fed my anxiety was having to go through this twice...but I take xanax before an exam, I make myself sick if I don't have help. I also listen to Guided Imagary CD's...Naperstek has some great ones...and I buy magazines that are pretty mindless so my mind is always kept busy while waiting.

  • sgreenarch
    sgreenarch Member Posts: 528
    edited June 2013

    So interesting to read all of your posts! I, too, have extreme anxiety around these scans. Mammogram in December, the MRI in may, each year, also since 2010. I'm convinced this is PTSD, and it's akin to making a plane crash survivor relive the crash twice a year. My BC was found on a routine mammogram, with additional tumors found on a subsequent MRI. No symptoms. Just going into the mammogram room makes me physically sick. Thinking about the MRI makes me a wreck for a month prior, an I worry about freaking out while in the machine itself. Oh, best part is that I worry about the worrying! What if all this stress impacts my body and makes the cancer return! Can't win.



    My mom was a holocaust survivor who lost most of her family and my dad lost his dad at a young age so illness and death were prominent subjects in our household. Any illness was a cause for panic. But I'm not sure this is all of it, tho it must play a part. I think anyone who finds out they had BC purely through a scan (no symptoms) will be scarred from the experience. Wish I could figure out how to handle it as I hate this terror. I do have faith that ultimately I'll be ok, so it's strange that I get this way. Still waiting for official read on last weeks MRI. A colleague of my husbands read it and said alls clear but won't be totally at ease until I get the final report. Nutty. Wish I had more insight for you, but maybe this is part of the situation.

  • pegnie
    pegnie Member Posts: 17
    edited June 2013

    Will pm you kaza.  Thanks.  Interesting to hear your experiences, sgreen.  I certainly understand re your childhood.  Don't know if we really have an "inner child" or not, but I sure still have the emotions.

    Any of you tried the eye movement therapy?  It's supposed to help with PTSD. 

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