why does everybody want to shave there heads "for me"

I think they just want to be supportive but aren't sure just how to go about it. I think a lot of people understand that hair loss can be one traumatic aspect of cancer so they think maybe it will be less horrible if they do it too? Or kind of a show of solidarity? A few people offered to shave their heads for me -- even my husband! I told them that's not what I wanted and said that I would prefer practical support like help around the house & meals & things like that. I also told people that I didn't mind losing my hair & it wasn't a huge thing to me. I think I would have been really upset if anyone actually did shave their head for me. 

I had two friends (female) shave their heads and stay bald for the entire five months I was doing chemo.  Neither friend was a particularly "close" friend, though I care for them both very much.  I was surprised by how much it bothered me when it happened - I had no choice in my hair falling out, they just had to shave every couple of days.  They talked to me about their experience - how much of a chore shaving was, how itchy their heads were as the hair grew back, how much time it shaved off their morning routine by not having to "style".  :-)  

I realized this was more about them than it was about me, and I simply let it be.  When people asked why they were bald they said, "In solidarity for a friend with cancer," and of course people oooh'd and ahhh'd over the sacrifice they made.  It was a nice gesture, but to be honest I think I would have preferred they not do it - hard to explain but I felt a little "used" for their own agendas, if that makes any sense.  

My husband offered to shave his head, too.  Of course he's lost most of his hair anyway, so I scolded him for wanting to simply get rid of the rest of it.  :-)  We had a good laugh, and he understood that this was, in essence, my "battle scar" for enduring chemo, and mine alone.  I love him for his sense of humor, but am glad we weren't Baldy Twins.

Nancy, I think that's how I'd feel, "used" kind of, if my friends had gone through with it. Like I'm the token "friend with cancer" that will somehow gain them sympathy or admiration or attention or whatever it is they get out of "identifying" with me by shaving their heads. That must have been tough for you!!

Annika, perhaps you can suggest instead that they just cut their hair short and donate it? If that would be meaningful to you, that is. My husband ended up doing just that (he had a long ponytail) and I felt way better about it -- one, because I like his hair, and like that he kept some of it! Two, I don't want to be constantly reminded that I'm bald by seeing him bald. And three, because in donating it he is actually doing something concrete to help someone. I have chosen not to wear a wig, but it means a lot to me that he is helping make it possible for someone else to wear one if they end up in my position.

In the end, it is their hair, their body, their choice... but if you can tell them how you feel before they shave it, or channel their support in some other way, then they might not go through with it. They might even be relieved! Or they might do it anyway and you can chalk it up as one of those friendships where they can't really listen to you and take your words to heart. Good knowledge to have...

My son offered to shave his head and I asked him not to, although I appreciated the gesture, but I couldn't see the point. 

I can understand a parent shaving their head if their child is undergoing chemo...it might make the child feel better.

If someone shaves their head for a fundraiser, as Barsco so generously did, then there is a reason for it. Same as a parent if they sense their child will deal with it better.

But people like Nancy's "friends"? It was an attention-getting device, a way to look good. "Look at me! I'm so wonderfully sympathetic! My friend has cancer so I shaved my head!" Your friend has cancer and you want to be sympathetic? Do her laundry. Send in meals. Drive her to appointments. Do her grocery shopping. Oh, but none of them is particularly visible. Nancy, you're a lot nicer than I am. I would have said something, and they would be exfriends (who would undoubtedly shake their heads in sorrow and say how the cancer had "changed" me and didn't I understand their sacrifice).

Leah